Back on the market

Laughing ’Til It Hurts

So much to say, so little time.

I guess it’s settled. The engagement is off. I pretty much figured it out weeks ago because they hadn’t been photographed together for ages. Given how he used to follow She-Who-Shall-No-Longer-Be-Named around like a puppy dog, it didn’t take a genius…

Apparently he’s not doing interviews even though he is out promoting a new film (i.e., Takers). This has confused some of the more feeble-minded members of the media (yeah, I apologize for the redundancy there). Clearly, he’s not ready to talk about a very painful chapter of his life. Give the man some space, will ya?!

It cracks me up how the media gets it wrong in so many ways: They announced their engagement in February 2009. Or was it February 2008? No, I could’ve sworn it was December 2008. Or was it… ??? (Actually, I don’t recall that they ever made an announcement. Unless waving a big rock on your finger qualifies as an official announcement these days. I believe a betrothal was implied when her rep recently said the engagement was off. Ergo, acknowledgment that such a thing even existed.) And, of course, how can we forget that they met on the set of Jumpers. Jumpers? Really???

Last week I was on vacation. Truthfully, it was a stay-at-home-because-I’m-broke vacation. The week prior I got tons of e-mails from my casting agency asking me to do this or that project. A director even wanted to meet with me about a featured extra role in a vampire movie (my sister was green with jealousy… loves anything vamp-related). I had to turn it all down. Yes, turned. it. down. I had two major projects which were due at my reel real job before I left on vacation. I couldn’t take time out to sneeze.

Needless to say, I was eager to work as much as possible during my vacation. Adding a little ka-ching to the cashflow is always a good thing. I had the opportunity to be in the opening scene for the pilot of Detroit 1-8-7 — filmed at Detroit Metro Airport. Sweet! Of course I didn’t get booked for that. I was bummed for an entire 48 hours.

Yet, never fear, my friends. While Hayden was gliding across that red carpet for the Takers premiere, yours truly was working a grueling 14-hour shoot with the likes of Demi Moore, Miley Cyrus, Ashley Greene and Maggie Smith, among other lesser knowns. Ho-hum. Oh, did I mention that Mr. Demi Moore, AKA Ashton Kutcher, was there part of the day? Yeah, twittering madly on his iPad. If he had bothered to look up he might have been mesmerized by my loveliness. His loss. yawn

I kid you not, it was grueling. You try working in an air-condition free building in 90-degree temps and high humidity while wearing slacks and a long-sleeve jacket. The “official” extras holding area was air-conditioned but I spent less than 90 minutes there. The rest of the time we were holed up in a room which could’ve doubled as a sauna. If I hadn’t snuck in a few of my own snacks I would have been toast. Worst physical conditions of any shoot I’ve worked so far.

I had to report at 7:15 a.m. and we didn’t eat lunch until 2 p.m. Around 1:30 it got deathly quiet in our holding cell room. Everyone was trying to conserve energy and avoid heat exhaustion. Now, I’m not trying to point fingers at the production. I know they tried. They bought two small, non-oscillating fans to cool a room of 40 people. Unfortunately, a heavyset extra decided that one of the fans would make an ideal personal fan, positioning it so it cooled only herself and a friend. Grrrrr. Twice they brought us bottled water, but after drinking a whole bottle you kind of need to pee and as those wacky PAs are fond of saying, “Peeing is a luxury on a film shoot.” Right, only if you’re an extra are you required to hold it until you’re ready to pop. At one point I thought there would be a mutiny. Luckily, it never came to blows or anything ugly. We were civil. Pissed, but civil. If we had been minors they’d have called it child endangerment.

For future reference, if the makeup gal gives everyone their own personal blotting towel, you know you are in for trouble. Just sayin’.

They did, however, pipe cool air into the set areas through giant-sized Slinky tubes which made the acting part of the day slightly more tolerable. I wish I could say the principal actors had it just as bad as us slaves, but they got more breaks and I can’t help but envision crew members fanning them as they sipped on nice, cold beverages. You know, the kind with actual ice in them. LOL.

Believe it or not, that’s the name of the film. LOL: Laughing Out Loud. We were explicitly threatened warned not to mention our involvement with M-I-L-E-Y on any social media sites. I guess they didn’t want to get swarmed by Hannah Montana fans. Of course, mentioning Ashton K’s name might have had the same effect.

Director Lisa Azuelos is French but speaks adequate English. Her 1st AD was fluent in French & English and would translate whenever she was unsure of how to get her point across. At one point I was told to stand next to Demi and Miley, who were playing a mother and daughter. The AD said something in French to the director, she replied in French, then I was sent back to the dungeon… oops, sauna. I’m not sure what that was all about. Sometimes the crew gets ideas on the fly of things to try that are not in the script. Since I was the only Caucasian adult female extra on the set at the time, I was probably their only choice. It’s not like they had real options. Maybe they wanted me to be Demi’s girlfriend. Maybe I would’ve had to deliver a line, which would mean getting a mention in the credits.

Maybe, shmaybe. Maybe I’ll get an extra role in one of Hayden’s films. When pigs fly!

Well, it was fun, in its own hellish way. For instance, I met some interesting fellow extras. One has a recurring role as a detective in Detroit 1-8-7. Another was an extra in a scene I actually remember from Gran Torino. Another was Pierce Brosnan’s body double in Salvation Boulevard. Two words. Shower scene. Sigh. Yeah, when we’re talking about Hayden those words have real meaning. With Mr. Brosnan, not so much.

For all that pain and suffering I made a whopping $132.40 gross pay. Yep, folks like Hayden get rich on the backs of peons like me. It’s sad but true, people.

P.S. Sorry to hear Hayden is smoking again. I thought he had quit.

[12 August 2010]

Newsworthy

Stalemate

What we've got here is… failure to communicate.

Eventually the truth comes out. We have another report from the tabloids but this one passes the smell test, so let’s call it a credible rumor, shall we?

Apparently the actual bone of contention between our boy wonder and his bikini-clad beauty is where the !@#$^* they should live. She’s got her heart set on Los Angeles and he’s firmly planted in rural Ontario. Now, one would assume that this matter was settled when she moved in with him last year — that would become her permanent residence once they tied the proverbial knot.

So, what happened? Did she get all sentimental when she filled out her U.S. census form earlier this year? Did it suddenly sink in that this might be her last one?

Obviously, I knew this might become an issue which is why I mentioned it repeatedly (here and here and here). That ol’ U.S. vs. Canada squabble. Yep, it sounds like their diplomatic relations have broken down. Pity.

There really is only one solution that I can see: she has to give in. While I can empathize with her predicament, she has to embrace a life in Canada or lose Hayden. He sunk a lot of money into building that mansion castle house, perhaps even built it with her in mind. It’s my understanding that Blanche lives in a condo that has been in her family for years. She might have an emotional attachment, but not a financial one.

He could always sell his house, you say? In this housing market? Right. He would never get back what he put into it. Besides, Hayden isn’t raising his adorable kidlets in that loony bin they call La La Land.

No, I think this is about more than just geography. This is about the two becoming one. Blanche isn’t ready to cut ties with her biological family and form a new one with Hayden. Simple as that. She sees this situation as him getting it all (i.e., her, his farm, Canadian life, staying close to his family) and her having to make all the sacrifices. Apparently the payoff in all of this escapes her. Since when is getting Hayden not reward enough?!

In this age of Skype and unlimited texting, her family will always be within reach. Heck, she is blessed in that she can afford to hop on an airplane whenever she’s feeling nostalgic for home and yearns to breath in all that lovely L.A. smog.

Either they must meet halfway (live in St. Louis? Vancouver? Switzerland?) or one must willingly, yes willingly, surrender to the other. Otherwise it’s Splitsville. Sayonara, baby. It seems both are strong-willed and neither is willing to budge. Wouldn’t you love to be a fly on the wall as they hash this thing out, once and for all? Mmm-hmmm. Either it will be a discussion filled with several unhappy pregnant pauses or it will result in tears of joy and relief. Come to think of it, there will probably be tears no matter what. Talk about your dramatic scenes. This one could be a doozy. Pass the popcorn, please.

But seriously. The best decision will make both parties happy. Or not. I’ve been in their situation before except… he made the decision for the both of us. We parted ways and it was the most painful thing I’ve ever been through. No, I don’t envy them. On the contrary. I wish them a lot of luck. Happy Canada Day, Happy 4th of July, eh?

[02 July 2010]