Not Enough Hayden :: Part 2 - Assorted Musings

Kissing Hayden

Ha! now that I’ve got your attention....

Yes, today Hayden has achieved a milestone — completing his first quarter century of life. That, of course, is the nice way of saying that he’s getting bloody OLD. But, hey, he wears 25 pretty well, dontcha think? Anyway, I took part in the HCBP3, otherwise known as the third annual Hayden Christensen Birthday Project, sponsored by DesiringHayden.net. As promised, here is the dirt on my submissions.

MUSIC (iTunes users can click on links in this paragraph to hear audio excerpts) — I submitted “I Am In Love With You” by Imogen Heap. Why? Because I incorporated words from the lyrics — “Another Please” — into my “kiss” artwork. My original plan was to put “Right Now, Another Please” on the lips but I couldn’t get it all to fit. Naturally, I found other songs I would have preferred after I committed myself to this one, but only one per customer was allowed. What were my other picks? A live version of Cheap Trick’s “I Want You To Want Me” would have been perfect. Also in contention were “Ordinary World” by Duran Duran, “Livin’ On The Edge” by Aerosmith, and Rush’s “YYZ.”

THE KISS — The virtual kiss artwork (above) was submitted for the HCBP birthday card.

RECIPE — Because she played a crucial role in our boy being here, a cookbook was compiled for Hayden’s mom; I submitted my great grandmother’s “so easy even I can make it” crumb cake recipe.

DONATION — I made a donation to Child Find Ontario in Hayden’s honor. A total of $835 was collected from his generous fans. Wahoo!

I also snail mailed a handcrafted card to the birthday boy. The contents of which shall remain between him and me, although I will say that I was very pleased with the way it turned out. I called it the $100 Birthday Card. Over the past two years I had amassed probably $100 worth of art supplies for the purposes of cardmaking and scrapbooking but had yet to use any of it until this card was made. Thus, the $100 Birthday Card was born. But, hey, he’s worth it! [19 Apr 2006]

Losin’ It

Now I’ve done it. I’ve gone over the edge. Lost my marbles. Dove off the deep end — all because of Hayden. I have done the unthinkable, something absolutely horrible. It is really beneath me — sunk to a new low I have. I promised myself I’d never go to that dark place…

Some background would probably be helpful before I continue. You see, I like a wide variety of music, nearly every genre there is. Rock, pop, classical, jazz, soundtracks, gospel, folk, alternative/punk, electronic, metallic, some R&B/soul, some country, some new age, a smidgen of opera, as well as many types of ethnic music. Notice anything missing from that list? Anything that Hayden favors? Like, oh, maybe rap and hip-hop. Yes, I’ve gone and downloaded… I’m ashamed to say… (hyperventilating) I dunno if I can… They say confession is good for the soul, so I’m just going to spit it out. (deep breath)

I downloaded an EMINEM song!! (burying head in hands)

This is sooooooooooo humiliating! Oh, the absolute shame!!

Even the song’s title is apropos: Lose Yourself. From his last album, Curtain Call. And you know what’s even worse? Uh, I think I… well, to be blunt: it’s not awful. Really, (whispering) I don’t hate it. What is wrong wit me… with me? I’m gonna end up in jail or shot. Oh, gosh, this vile stuff is already rubbing off on me! Oh, man, where is my Carpenters CD? I’ve got to get clean again… [22 Mar 2006]

Life As A Cubicle

A true sign of obsession is when an individual can link the topic du jour, or any topic at all, to their prime object of affection. Allow me to nimbly (or is that numbly?) demonstrate this skill as it pertains to Mr. Christensen. However, let me preface this exercise with a few requisite disclaimers: Only the truly obsessed should attempt such an endeavor. Do not try this at home without expert supervision. Keep both hands inside the vehicle at all times and do not unbuckle your seatbelt until you see the light go out on the overhead sign. Let us proceed….

In yesterday’s staff meeting (yes, I’m a working girl), a colleague mentioned a fun, yet work-related, website called Virtual Breakroom. It is actually a portal to Kelly Services, a job placement service based here in Michigan. This breakroom has several distractions, including movie quotes affiliated with the world of work. At least one of them came from a Star Wars movie. Another mindless time-waster is the Work/Celebrity Name Generator. So, naturally, I plugged in Hayden’s name and got “Cube Hopper” in response. Cute, eh? That got me to thinking. Without the assistance of Kevin Kline (and a slew of set carpenters), a cubicle is probably the extent of what Hayden could build. Shhh, don’t tell him I said that.

How about my name? K-A-T-H-Y… Name Generator chortles back at me and spits out “The Grubworm.” What the !@#$% kind of nickname is that? I know, I’ll stump it with a tough one… T-O-V-E. That one will probably crash the system…

“Golden Boy”?? (looking peeved)

Somehow I have the feeling that one fits. It’s definitely a few notches above “Grubworm” in the work world hierarchy. What about the rest of Hayden’s family? Dare I even ask?

David; or Dave	He Without Synergy; Squeaky
Alie	Czar of the Coffee Break (shouldn’t that be Czarina?)
Hejsa	Supervisor of Subordination
Kaylen	The Mad Hungarian

What about…

Ewan (as in McGregor)	Emails With All Caps

Yeah, I bet he does (smirks). It’s so annoying when people do that.

So, what happens if I key in Hayden’s first and last name?
H-A-Y-D-E-N C-H-R-I-S-T-E-N-S-E-N.

“Lunchmeat”? That’s on par with “Grubworm.” Gee, I feel a little better now.

Here’s a few more celebrity monikers from Hayden’s past:

George Lucas	Pops
Stephen Glass	Nooner
Kevin Kline	Sultan of Solitaire
Joe Lando	Manila Thunder
Peter Sarsgaard	Ol’ Stinky Britches (ew!)
Natalie Portman	Sweetness
Sienna Miller	Emails With All Caps (not another!)
Jessica Alba	Mookie
Yoda	Big Cheese
Darth Vader	Golden Boy (wait, I thought Tove was the Golden Boy… sorry, Tove!)
Harrison Ford	The One We Fired Two Days Ago

Oooo-kayyyyyy. Well, class, that about wraps things up. And, for the record, I AM NOT A GRUBWORM!!!

Next week’s Hayden-linked topic will be: MARCH MADNESS, otherwise known as the NCAA basketball tournament. [15 Mar 2006]

And the Loser Is…

THE 26th ANNUAL RAZZIE AWARDS were announced Saturday, March 4, and guess who won, no, lost… er, received an award? Yep, our boy Hayden. Nobody wants to collect a Razzie from the Golden Raspberry Award Foundation because it (dis)honors the worst of Hollywood. Its purpose is to spoof the Oscars, hence the awarding of Razzies on Oscar’s Eve. A Razzie was dispatched to Hayden for Worst Supporting Actor for Revenge of the Sith, if you can believe that. I nearly fell off of my couch when I heard the news. The audacity, the cheeky nerve of those… those yahoos. As Anakin Skywalker would say, “It’s insulting!” Of course, I suspect that Hayden would just laugh it off. Well, maybe not completely. I assume he does take pride in his work. And he did put a lot of blood, sweat and time into that role. I have to admit I am mystified by this inauspicious award. I think he did a fine job of transforming from a conflicted Jedi knight to the evil Darth Vader, and plenty of people in the industry would agree with me. Their rationale was that “he portrayed [the Sith Lord] as a Backstreet Boy gone bad.” Huh? Were we watching the same film? There is no accounting for some people’s tastes. Wouldn’t it be ironic if Hayden got the Saturn Award for Best Actor for the very same role that the Razzies hated? Who knows, maybe the ASFFH will do just that to spite the critics in Razzie-land. Unfortunately, Hayden will probably get a lot of undeserved ribbing over this. Especially from his friend Ewan McGregor. I guess that means he won’t be getting a big head anytime soon. If you actually care to participate, there’s a poll on their website: “Should ‘Annakin the Mannequin’ be a RAZZIE Winner?” They didn’t even spell Anakin right. Probably on purpose. When your organization’s tagline is “Cremating Cinematic Crap for Over 25 Years” you know you just can’t take these people seriously. Razz this, guys! [05 Mar 2006]

Attack of the (Hayden) Clones

I have never really been a fan of cloning. It seems like an unethical thing to do. Tampering with Mother Nature, especially with humans, just seems wrong. Still, I might be willing to make an exception ’cuz cloning Hayden seems like such a splendid idea. It’s certainly worth contemplating. If every person who wanted could have their very own Hayden, wouldn’t that be awesome? We’d all be walking around with big grins pasted on our faces, asking our friends to pinch us to see whether or not we were dreaming. Yet, if there were tons of Haydens inhabiting the planet, then he would no longer be unique and special. We might even tire of looking at him or hearing him talk. “Oh, there goes another Hayden,” we might say with a tinge of disgust, knowing that our Hayden is truly one among a million.

And then… I could envision a day when some people might want to tamper with the “product.” For instance, some might want a Hayden who is fluent in Russian or Danish or Thai or Mandarin Chinese. I know I’d be tempted to have a non-smoking Hayden. Others might want to augment their Hayden clone with professional masseuse skills, or perhaps they’re looking for a combined auto mechanic/hip-hop singer. The possibilities are mind-numbingly endless.

On second thought… maybe ONE Hayden is enough. Greed is bad. Let us share the one we have and count our blessings. [04 Mar 2006]

That Look

In the Questions section I talk about pictures of Hayden on this website, as well as the concept of how they are used. Generally, there’s not enough of him *sigh*, although usually I’ll allow (just barely) enough of his handsome visage to seep through. In Hayden’s case, however, “barely enough” is far better than what most of us have to offer. He’s just lucky in that department, I guess. Judging by the looks of his sibs there are phenomenally good genes in the Christensen family. Still, there are times when… um… Hayden does not… uh… look his best *wince*. Unfortunately, I have seen a few photographs of him when he’s inebriated, sloshed, tipsy, whatever. Not the most flattering sight. And I shan’t even mention the ones with a cigarette dangling from his otherwise delectable lips. But there’s A CERTAIN LOOK he has that absolutely drives me up the wall, and not in a good way. I can see the majority of you out there in cyberspace gazing back at me in abject bewilderment. Sorry, I’ll stop obfuscating. What I’m trying to say is that I detest Hayden’s “I’m Mr. GQ Model” look. You know what I’m talking about: when he stares vacantly, zombie-like, off into space. That look of detachment just drives me batty. I think it irks me because he has such wonderfully expressive eyes, utterly full of vim and vigor. I simply shudder when I see them looking so dull and lifeless, devoid of emotion. Nope, that’s not the Hayden I know and love… er, lust. Here’s a small sampling of what I mean.

Mr. GQ Model Look