Hayden at Cannes

CANADA DAY

How patriotic is our boy?

Sunday is Canada Day. Great! So, what can I, a non-Canadian hockey lover, possibly contribute that would be apropos? I felt discomfited until the timely arrival of a book by one of my favorite writers, Mark Steyn. He’s a transplanted Torontonian currently residing in New Hampshire whose column appears in several newspapers. The premise of his book, America Alone: The End of the World As We Know It, is that Western civilization is doomed. Cheery subject, eh? But Steyn is a talented writer who has the ability to make you laugh about it. He reminds me of that Italian Jewish father (played by Roberto Benigni) in the film Life is Beautiful (La Vita è bella) who clowns around with the Nazis as they drag him off to a concentration camp, so his little son will not be frightened. Sometimes you have to use humor when the subject matter is so scary. Death and dying is scary.

Steyn claims there are three key factors contributing to our demise: (1) demographic decline, (2) unsustainablility of the advanced Western social-democratic state, and (3) civilizational ennui (page xvi). To avoid losing my audience, I shall concentrate on the first factor, demographic decline, and how it relates to Hayden. Natch, to prove his point, the author quotes a few enlightening statistics:

…a stable population — i.e., no growth, no decline… — [requires] a total fertility rate of 2.1 live births per woman. That’s what [the U.S.] currently has: 2.1, give or take. Canada has 1.48, an all-time low… (p. 2)

Yikes, Canada is well below the replacement rate! The European Union is even worse off (1.38, collectively) than North America. But, relax Euros, Japan (1.32) and Russia (1.14) will beat you in this race to extinction based on the population factor alone. Just don’t get too complacent since the other two factors may hasten Europe’s decline. In short, kids are no longer valued in Western societies, as this timely survey of Americans shows: in less than two decades, having children dropped from the third most important factor in a happy marriage to eighth (out of nine!). Steyn goes on to suggest that when tax and social policies encourage non-traditional family models, as Canada’s does — i.e., gay marriage was legalized nationwide in 2005 — you also get a lower marriage rate (e.g., in 2002, the U.S. marriage rate was 11.7 per 1,000 population; Canada’s was 4.7*). I wondered why Hayden hadn’t made a move toward the altar, but this would explain it. He’s a typical Canadian!

Sadly, the wealthiest, most technologically advanced nations on the planet are self-liquidating. Why? Steyn thinks it is caused by our ennui, which is a result of the collapse of Communism in the eastern bloc and the collapse of confidence in the West. We no longer think we can/should win battles and no longer want to fight them. Likewise, we give in far too easily, opting to support any culture but our own. Yet, Westerners don’t see a correlation between these factors and the rise of non-Westerners. Which group is on the rise, demographically and confidence-wise? You’ll have to read his book to find out that little nugget of information (hint: they are the ones currently kicking our wimpy butts!). Needless to say, as Westerners croak and valuable real estate is freed up, The Others will simply move in. The newly minoritized natives — Canadians, French, Germans, what have you — will find themselves with two choices: conform to their new government… or leave!

Of course, you know where I am going with this. Hayden, an allegedly proud Canadian, simply must do his patriotic duty: sustain the native population and keep Canada from frittering away. Yes, yes, if it takes 5 or more kidlets, so be it! He needs to produce at least two/deux rugratsrugrats can be a pejorative term for a toddler to keep the nation afloat, but since his country is rife with genitorial slackers it would be prudent to triple that number. Fortunately, at the rate Canada is going, polygamy will soon be legalized, so he can enlist multiple wives in the endeavor (I’d volunteer my services — ’cuz I am one smitten kitten — if I wasn’t so flippin’ old). Or, in lieu of polygamy, Hayden could become the new celebrity face for embracing marriage and family in Canada. I mean, wouldn’t you be inspired to “go forth and multiply” if Hayden and his attractive brood of junior Haydens were cheering you along?

The world’s population will peak around 2050, just as poor Hayden reaches retirement age. As luck would have it, Canadians are aging a lot faster than the Yanks. Due to their below-par fertility rate, there will be a lot less younglings available to care for them. The kids that Canadians couldn’t be bothered to have won’t be around to work either. Thus, those taxpayer-funded generous government-subsidized programs will go bye-bye. That means Canada’s economy will collapse well before the United States’ will. Even more reason for Hayden to get on the stick. Yeah, I know. He’s filthy rich. Why does he need a multi-child safety net? Hey, you never know. He might just lose his shirt in this pig farming enterprise of his!

*Although same-sex marriage became legal in some Canadian provinces in 2003, the overall marriage rate did not change from the previous year; data is unavailable for years after 2003.   [29 June 2007]

Hayden and his Jag

Driving Lessons

What do you get when you cross
a Jaguar with a ’vette?*

Had to giggle over one of today’s headlines: “Shiftless crooks clutch over stick.” A pair of lame-brained teenaged felons-in-training decided to steal a car. Only one problem: it had a manual transmission and the geniuses didn’t know how to drive one. As is typical, Reuters news service had to get all smarmy felt compelled to explain to its readers that the majority of U.S. simpletons drivers tend to operate vehicles with automatic transmissions and are therefore unfamiliar with the complexities of the “stick shift” (save for farmers who evidently don’t count in the grand scheme of things). Hey, I am proud to say that I learned how to drive a stick — in a green ’vette, no less — at the tender age of fifteen. So there! Take that, Reuters, and “stick” it where the sun don’t shine!

In fact, the first car I purchased had a manual transmission — a stunning, two-door Pontiac Sunbird SE with sexy pop-up headlights. Lipstick red, of course. Loved that car. Okay, so it can’t compare with the luxury vehicles that Hayden owns or those reserved for his use in road rallies, but it was definitely sporty, in a budget-conscious sort of way.

Oh, did I fail to mention that the ’vette was actually a revolting, limey-green Chevy Chevette? with a white vinyl interior? Yeah, kind of tacky, but it actually came that way from the factory. Here is a photograph of one very similar to that which I was weaned on. (Disclaimer: the author is not responsible for any adverse affects the viewer might suffer from viewing the aforementioned linked image) Funny how, when I googled “lime green Chevette” it asked if I meant “lime green Corvette.” No, nimrods, I meant what I said. Sheesh! I’m beginning to think Google is in cahoots with Reuters.

*Answer: a Jagvette, silly!

[20 June 2007]

Lego Face Hayden

Lexiphanicism

(Pretentious linguistic expressions)

One of the reasons I am particularly enamored with Hayden is… well, actually there are a plethora of reasons. Firstly, he’s an agamist. Enormously advantageous since I am similarly affected. Keep in mind that I am prone to korophilia, particularly when it comes to histrios. I am enthralled by the characters he elects to portray, especially the agathokakological ones in the vein of an Anakin Skywalker. Hayden’s facundity during query sessions enchants me. In fact, the mere timber of his voice can yield a mickle of horripilations. When solicited with mortifying interrogatives, his traulism is usually endearing. Unlike people of similar ilk, Hayden is not a rantipole nor inclined toward louche behavior à la Britney/Paris/Lindsay. I feel the vulgus can relate to him since he lacks pretentiousness. Irrefragably, he is a recusant compared to the rest of his Hollywood counterparts; he degusts the hermitical life.

I fear, though, that he is a nullifidian and my fideism would probably result in several contentious tête-à-têtes. Since neither of us is known for our loquaciousness, it may be a moot point. Still, I haven’t quite ascertained his Weltanschauung, so I may have misgauged his otherworldliness. Regardless, I am cognizant of a nolition regarding hymeneal pursuits, so my frustraneous efforts to woo him are probably viewed by him as peculiar bêtises. Alas, better to be thought a mome than a Xanthippe. Should he persistently spurn my virtual belgards, I may feel inclined to concoct an extraordinary philter that will render him helpless. Ultimately, my objective is to appropriate his cognomen!

Blank stares. Okay, I can see my lexiphanicism is not helping matters. Let me translate.

One of the reasons I am so attracted to Mr. Christensen is… well, there are a vast number of reasons. To begin with, he is an unmarried person. That is a good thing since I am, too. Then there is the fact that I am often attracted to younger men, especially those actor types. I am captivated by the characters he chooses to play, especially the ones who are both good and evil, like Anakin Skywalker. Hayden’s eloquence during interviews leaves me breathless and wanting more. In fact, just the sound of his voice can produce an embarrassing amount of goose bumps. When asked awkward questions, his stammering is often charming to behold. Contrary to some of the rich and famous, Hayden is not a wild, unruly young person, nor does he exhibit tasteless or immoral behavior like Britney Spears & Company. It seems the common people can identify with him due to his earthiness. Indisputably, he is a nonconformist next to the rest of his Hollywood peers; he savors a reclusive life.

I fear, though, that he is a religious skeptic and since I am someone who leans toward faith in matters which cannot be logically explained, we might find ourselves locking horns in many private conversations. Since neither of us is known for being very talkative, that may not even happen. Given that I am still trying to figure out his philosophy of life, I could be wrong about his spirituality. Regardless, I perceive an unwillingness on his part to pursue matrimony, so my vain attempts to romantically engage him are probably seen as strange and foolish acts. Ah well, better to be thought a fool than a shrew. Should he repeatedly ignore the loving looks I cast in his direction via cyberspace, then I shall be forced to mix up a special love potion in order to seduce him. You see, I will not stop until I share his surname (family name)!

Father’s Day is Sunday. Don’t forget to tell Dad how much you love him! Last year, I started a new tradition with my dad. I made a compilation CD of music from my iPod that I thought he might enjoy. It’s a good way to expose him to new music and musicians. It can be challenging, since Dad is no fan of hip-hop, rap, or even most rock ’n’ roll (the latter due to its repetitiveness) and he likes country more than I do. Here is the CD I compiled for 2007:

Song	Artist	Album	Genre
Libertango	Antonio Agri, Hector Console, Horacio Malvicino, Leonardo Marconi, Nestor Marconi & Yo-Yo Ma	Classic Yo-Yo	Classical
Someday Never Comes	Brandi Carlile	Brandi Carlile	Pop
Nobody Does It Better	Carly Simon	Reflections: Carly Simon's Greatest Hits	Pop
Before He Cheats	Carrie Underwood	Some Hearts	Country
Your Joy	Chrisette Michele	Your Joy - Single of the Week	R&B/Soul
One Shining Moment (Original with Golden Street Prelude)	David Barrett	One Shining Moment (NCAA Basketball Anthem) - EP	Pop
Ashoken Farewell	The Deer Lick Holler Boys	10 Bluegrass Classics	Country
The Look of Love	Diana Krall	The Look of Love	Jazz
World	Five for Fighting	Two Lights (Bonus Tracks)	Rock
Baby, It's Cold Outside	Jane Monheit & Steve Tyrell	Martha Stewart Living Music: Traditional Songs for the Holidays	Holiday
My Old Kentucky Home, Goodnight	John Prine	The Songs of Stephen Foster	Folk
Heaven	Los Lonely Boys	Los Lonely Boys	Rock
Save the Last Dance for Me	Michael Bublé	It's Time	Vocal
Useless Desires	Patty Griffin	Impossible Dream	Folk
Fever	Peggy Lee	The Best of Miss Peggy Lee	Vocal
Beautiful Dreamer	Raul Malo	The Songs of Stephen Foster	Folk
A New Game	Sam Spence	Selections from Autumn Thunder: 40 Years of NFL Films Music	Soundtrack
You Can't Hurry Love	The Supremes	20th Century Masters: The Millennium Collection: Best Of Diana Ross & The Supremes	R&B
Holiday Schottisch	Will Barrow	The Songs of Stephen Foster	Folk

[15 June 2007]

This little piggy went Weeeeeee!!!

Farmer Hayden?

Why milk baths may be hazardous to your health

We all knew it was coming sooner or later, but it sure looks as though dear Hayden (bless his heart) has finally “jumped the shark.” Mark it on your calendars, people. June 2007. Tragically, the boy has gone daft. Perhaps some milk got sloshed around between his ears during that photoshoot — addled his brain — and he started yammering all sorts of nonsense to his interviewer, Mr. Preville.

That is one plausible explanation for Hayden’s latest mindblowing revelation in June’s issue of enRoute magazine: He wants to be a farmer. Yes, you heard me correctly. Pigs, cattle, horses — the whole kit and caboodle. Goodness gracious, I nearly had a cow fell out of my chair when I read that. Oh, but at least he still plans to act for a while. Phew! For a moment there, I thought he was certifiable.

Farmer Hayden. Hayden slopping pigs. Wrap your brain around that one for a sec or two. Now, I have absolutely nothing against farmers. I come from a long line of ’em, actually. Both of my parents grew up on farms. My dad has long maintained that everyone should have to live/work on a farm for at least a year. That way they’d learn about life and death, where their food comes from (no, not the grocer), hard work, responsibility, family values, yada, yada, yada. It sure ain’t The Simple Life as depicted by Paris Hilton, sweetheart!

Although Dad espouses this philosophy, he didn’t exactly follow through with his own progeny. Yet, both sets of grandparents still farmed during my early childhood, so I was exposed to chickens, cows and horses (the sheep and pigs were long gone by then). I’ve witnessed the birth of calves (cute buggers once you wipe off the goopy mess) and fed them bottles, seen chickens slaughtered in ways that gave me nightmares, squeezed a cow’s teats, watched Grandma candle eggs. I’ve ridden atop hay wagons and strained to lift straw bales. Helped Grandpa drive a tractor to spread manure on the fields (pee-u!). My favorite part of the tractor was the smoothly-worn knob on the steering wheel (no power steering on that sucker).

Sheep and hogs

Mom inherited the farm and I currently reside in the mid-1800s-built farmhouse. The doors lock with this skeleton key — how cool is that?! We even have a decommissioned outhouse. I have an antique handbill from 1908, when my great grandfather and his father auctioned off some of their animals and equipment in Ohio before moving to Michigan. That’s right, nearly one hundred years in the same family. It will be a centennial farm in 2008. ’Course we don’t farm it ourselves. A neighbor farms the land for my mom on shares. There are only crops now (wheat, corn, soybeans), no livestock (Darth Kitty and the resident groundhogs do not qualify as farm animals).

Hayden says he might get cattle. I hope he means beef cattle, not dairy. Dairy cows require milking twice a day, which really ties one down. And I sure hope his oinkity-oink farm is, um, situated downwind from major residential areas, since neighbors are unlikely to appreciate that malodorous scent wafting into their yards. Natch, he would need some hired help to take care of all them critters while he’s off filming. (Is that where his family comes in? Are they as enamored with farming as him? Just askin’.) Life on a farm can be plenty dangerous. My mom lost a finger as a toddler when it got caught in the pulley system of an outdoor pump. My grandpa lost parts of several fingers — and could have bled to death — when his hand got caught in a corn picker machine!

Hayden is truly a Renaissance man. His interests certainly run the gamut: sports, acting, modeling, business, fast cars, English literature, architecture, piloting aircraft, and now construction, farming and animal husbandry. A complex man, that Hayden. What is next on his plate? Is there anything left to conquer? Oh wait, yes there is. Needless to say, I won’t be introducing him to this guy from my hometown. Of course… Hayden could be yanking our chains just to see what gullible saps we are. He probably dreams up alternative careers to confound us while he “hermitizes” in L.A.  I wouldn’t put it past him. Yet, I can envision him in chaps and cowboy boots, twiddling a blade of wheat in his teeth, very easily. Personally, I think the dude is having a whopper of a mid-life crisis — at twenty-six?! Well, I guess I shall look at the bright side. Frequent hefting of hay bales can only enhance an already killer bod. Plus, now we have one more thing in common. [11 June 2007]

Edgy, man!

Sequel-itis

Summer of ’07

Sequels. We love them and we hate them. The number of sequels slated for this summer may, in itself, be a new record. There is Spider-Man 3, Shrek the Third, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surf and Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I’m sure I missed a few. In regards to the aforementioned list I, respectively… did not see it because reviews were mediocre, saw it and liked it, saw it but was disappointed by it, don’t plan to see it, and definitely will not miss it.

One reason we love sequels is because it gives us another opportunity to relive those bygone days with our favorite characters. Plus, in this era of lousy filmmaking (just my humble opinion), there is something safe and comfy about going with a known entity. Still, we feel less confident about plunking down that ten-dollar bill for a ticket at our local cineplex because we know it is inevitable that our favorite movie franchise will “jump the shark.” We just hope it won’t be this particular 10 bucks we are wasting.

I really thought the Star Wars franchise had jumped the shark when Phantom Menace came out. It reminded me of Saturday morning cartoons, what with the pod racing and Jar Jar Binks. I know Lucas was trying to capture the imaginations of a new generation of film-goers, but he nearly lost his adult fans in the process. Attack of the Clones was an improvement, mainly because it had Hayden(!), but also because they traded Natalie’s dorky royal attire for considerably sexier duds — and allowed her to kick some Geonosian butt. Yet, I think Star Wars fans have always been a bit frustrated with Lucas’ galaxy when it comes to romance. We loved the snippy banter and sexual tension between Han & Leia, but when those two finally swapped spit, it didn’t exactly cause us to melt into a puddle of goo, did it? And it was much the same with Anakin & Padmé. Sterile, dull, insipid. Like kissing your sister, right Luke?

Don’t get me wrong. I loved Sith, but Anakin’s transition to the Dark Side felt rushed to me. Had I seen real proof that he truly could not live without That Hot Little Number Known as Mrs. Skywalker, I would have found his reasoning for committing treason far more persuasive. I mean, we get one piddly scene of those two in bed, but do we get a smidgen of snuggling? a crumb of cuddling? a scintilla of spooning? a jot of ear nibbling? No, we get nightmares. Nightmares! How do we know that it was actually Anakin who got her in a family way if we don’t get so much as a hint of nooky action? C’mon!

We want Hollywood to throw us a few original bones now and then, but we usually get rehash after tired rehash — sequels and remakes of television shows. Some sequels are decent, like Star Wars and Harry Potter, because they tell a long, involved, mythical story that is broken down into digestible pieces. But some are overbudgeted, overhyped, bloated pieces of crap, like Pirates. I hear Knocked Up is getting rave reviews. It might be worth risking another Hamilton. And, with its ‘R’ rating, I might finally get the chance to live vicariously through characters who actually have a sex life. Yep, I am definitely sex-starved these days. If I were a Roman Catholic I could qualify as a nun.

L to R: Ashburn, Chenault, Hoyes, LaPensee, Serra, Spoor

On a serious note, here in southeastern Michigan we are mourning the loss of six dedicated professionals who perished in service to a fellow human being Monday, June 4, 2007. These six men, part of the University of Michigan Health System organ transplant team, lost their lives when their twin-engine Cessna Citation jet crashed into Lake Michigan shortly after takeoff from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. They were returning to Michigan with donated organs procured for a patient at the University Hospitals who remains in critical condition. [UPDATE: Great news! He received a double lung transplant on Thursday.] The team consisted of two pilots, two surgeons, and two transplant donation specialists. One (LaPensee) was a 14-year firefighter and EMT. Another (Chenault) was a beloved cross-country and track coach who was to have been honored that same night with two Coach of the Year awards. One (Spoor) was a native of Canada. All six were married and leave behind fifteen children to mourn them. It is a terrible loss to the entire U-M community.

Rest in Peace,

• David A. Ashburn, M.D.
• Richard H. Chenault II
• Dennis Hoyes
• Richard “Rick” LaPensee
• Bill Serra
• Martinus “Martin” T. Spoor, M.D.

HP Bk6, 652  / 652   [06 June 2007]

Anakin confronts Count Dooku

Star Wars

1977-2007

What can I say? That George Lucas fellow is a bloody genius. Thirty years ago, he created a galaxy far, far away just so… 25 years later… we could all enjoy the talents of one Mr. Christensen! What a swell guy!! No question, George Lucas is the Walt Disney of my generation. He created the wonderful, magical Star Wars universe which we love so dearly. But did you ever notice how that universe is remarkably devoid of smarmy cuss words? I ask you, how are those Jedi supposed to fight the Dark Side without some decent expletives to describe those SOB’s? Thus, it was left to the literary world (in Star Wars novels) to manufacture most of them.

Vader on the march

My absolute favorite shot in Sith, and perhaps the entire Star Wars saga, is the overhead shot (not the one pictured at right) looking down on Anakin, newly crowned Lord Vader, as he enters the Jedi Temple on Coruscant to commence the execution of Order 66. The march-like music which accompanies that shot is also one of my favorite musical excerpts from the films. Bit of trivia: did you know that that music cannot be found anywhere in the soundtrack for Sith? Oddly enough, you can find it in the Attack of the Clones soundtrack (“Love Pledge and the Arena”), even though I believe it was omitted from that film. Lucas has a reputation for recycling unused musical bits. He doesn’t let anything go to waste. This same musical march excerpt is used twice in Sith. The other instance occurs when Yoda visits Kashyyyk, the Wookiee planet.

Gen Con hosted a 17-hour Star Wars marathon on Wednesday, May 23rd, in Los Angeles. I was, regrettably, unable to attend. Even though I own all six movies on DVD, I doubt that I will be holding my own personal marathon this holiday weekend. So, I did the next best thing. Today I played, non-stop, all the Star Wars music on my iPod. I only have the music from the three prequels, but that’s still 45 songs (3.6 hours), so I can’t complain. My favorite Sith tunes are probably “Battle of the Heroes” and “Anakin’s Betrayal.” Thank you, John Williams and the London Symphony Orchestra!

HP Bk6, 236  / 652   [25 May 2007]

Anakin transforms into Vader

Commercial Break (OT)

Red Wings Hockey Update

Yes, I know this has nothing to do with Hayden, but I like hockey and so does he, which makes it relevant to this website. So there! It is my sad duty to report that my team will not be playing in the Stanley Cup finals. Sigh. Detroit was eliminated Tuesday night in Game 6 (Western Conference finals) against the Anaheim no longer mighty Ducks, 4-3. I think the attrition of their defensemen (Schneider, Kronwall) finally caught up with Detroit as Dominik “The Dominator” Hasek did all he could for them in goal. The loss in Game 5 was simply devastating. I think it broke the Wings, too. They looked like lost sea otters in that final game. Well, there’s always next year, right Hayden?

I am torn regarding who should win this year’s Cup. It would be great for a U.S. team (especially the one that eliminated us) to win it, however I actually have something in common with Ottawa Senators owner Eugene Melnyk, so I might root for them. And, who knows, maybe there are guys on Ottawa’s team that Hayden played with/against in Triple-A hockey.

HP Bk6, 141  / 652   [23 May 2007]

Did U believe these 2 were in love?

Pretty Boy

Well, Mom sailed through her knee replacement surgery and was shipped home after a mere three days in the hospital. Wicked 9-inch (23 cm) incision which they glued, yes glued, shut. Whatever happened to good old-fashioned stitches? or staples even? These surgeons are getting darn lazy, if you ask me!

A few days ago I read an article about “Hollywood hunks” that focused on the current crop of young male actors and the search for the next generation’s Tom Hanks or Harrison Ford. The elusive star who will be money in the bank for Hollywood producers, drawing millions of guys and gals into theatres. I was sure I would see Hayden’s name somewhere in the mix, but the closest they came was a quote from casting director Joseph Middleton, who claimed to have auditioned every twentysomething male actor for the lead role in Jumper. Incredibly, some vacuous editor decided that revealing the name of the man who actually got the part over every young actor on the planet was irrelevant. Hmmph!

My long-time fascination with Joe Lando often dabbled in this topic of hunkiness due to his then Fabio-esque looks. From what I could gather, Joe simply hated this comparison. He was a serious actor, dad-gummit, who came to regard his long tresses and dreamy blue eyes as a curse — hindrances to his getting plummier roles. Higher Ground notwithstanding, when he opted for a shorter hairstyle, Hollywood stopped calling.

This, of course, is my fear for Hayden. What if Sith represents the pinnacle of his career? What if Anakin Skywalker was simply a flavor of the month? I shudder at the thought. It seems producers are forsaking the roster of “safe, not that masculine” young actors or “pretty boys” who have recently populated blockbuster films, e.g., Orlando Bloom, Josh Hartnett, Jake Gyllenhaal(!!!). Rather, the next generation’s leading man may be ordinary looking, possessing that everyman appeal, someone who can slip into real people roles, like a Gene Hackman.

On the eve of John Wayne’s 100th birthday, I want to see a similar legacy for Hayden. People loved the Duke, still love him, and his contemporaries remember him fondly.

“He had the most wonderful attitude,” says [William] Wellman Jr. of Wayne. “People always wanted to take pictures with him. He just stood out no matter what he did. He found time for everybody. He always had a sense of humor, every day from the crack of dawn until the end of the day; he just personified a kind of positive attitude.”

Now, I’m not saying that I want Hayden to do cowboy films… unless, of course, he wants to do cowboy films (no Brokeback Mountains, please). Certainly, hero Anakin and creepy Darth Vader are good building blocks toward gaining favored actor status. I’m just trying to illustrate that you don’t have to be a prima donna or narcissist to garner respect from your fellow actors.

[actress Angie] Dickinson found Wayne to be a gentle soul. “He was a very amusing guy … a sweetheart.”

And ever the stuff of fantasy.

Ever the stuff of fantasy. Yes, Hayden is that. And seemingly a gentle soul, too. But he is not John Wayne. Wayne was heroic and patriotic, an ordinary, everyman kind of guy. Hayden is, perhaps to his detriment, prettily handsome. Wayne’s gregariousness, on-screen and off, contributed to his appeal, whereas people usually have to warm up to introvert Hayden. Yet, those who have worked with him long term, be it in films, plays, or television, describe him as serious, talented, and hard-working. They seem to respect him, even if they can’t get close to him on an emotional level (though this seems to be more of a complaint from his female costars).

The bad news — should Hayden have that certain something that producers really want — is that he’s unlikely to pull down a salary in the atmospheric level of a Tom Cruise or Bruce Willis. Filmmaking is a dicey business and producers are going on the cheap these days. Thus, Hayden has to be careful that he doesn’t price himself out of a career. I don’t think there is any danger of that presently, but it is something to keep in mind if he wants to stay in the business a few more decades.

As mentioned previously, Hayden started a production company of his own, Forest Park Pictures, which he shrewdly uses to find worthy projects for himself. Shattered Glass turned out to be a gem of a freshman project for FPP (a critical, not financial, success), but it remains to be seen whether lightning will strike twice. Although Factory Girl left something to be desired and I predict Virgin Territory is likely to be a dud (neither were FPP produced), his other projects do suggest potential.

As much as it pains me to say this… Factory Girl and Life As A House (and Star Wars, for that matter) has revealed him to be a flawed romantic leading man. He may be dreamy to look at, but I never see any real sparks flying. Frankly, I think the studios generate this hype about make-believe romances between him and his costars to make up for this lack of passion on the screen. Maybe it’s the way the parts are written, maybe it’s the director’s fault, maybe his leading ladies intimidate the hell out of him, but Hayden, hon, I’m just not feelin’ the love yet! But don’t give up, darlin’!!

In summary, Hayden has his plusses and minuses for a long and successful career. The Plusses: good looks, can play against type (meaning that he looks like a nice guy but can pull off much darker roles), hard working, not overexposed, doesn’t require a fawning public to prop up a fragile ego, and he’s a sweetheart. The Minuses: good looks, his introversion can appear as aloofness, lacks comedic timing, McDreamy but still not McSteamy, and being perceived as one of those “sensitive types” to be avoided. I wish I had faith in Hollywood to realize that Hayden is that diamond in the rough. The one worth hanging on to and cultivating. But if Hollywood has proven one thing, it has shown itself to be short-sighted and unimaginative. So, if the bean counters get stuck on the idea of using only macho looking men, let’s face it, Hayden will never get tapped for such roles. It is my opinion that we need all types of people and actors to make the world an interesting place.

~~~~~~~
Making excellent progress in my Harry Potter reading odyssey. “Blimey!” as young Mr. Weasley would say. I feel confident that I will finish Book 6 (HP & the Half-Blood Prince) within the next week. Unfortunately, I came across a spoiler for Book 6 today, which rather upset me. Something I’m trying to avoid with Deathly Hallows.

HP Bk6, 95  / 652   [21 May 2007]

Hayden in silhouette

Mommy Dearest

I missed out on the Brandi Carlile concert in Ann Arbor last night because it was sold out. To get over my resulting malaise, I decided to do what every red-blooded American woman does to relieve her suffering… yes, I went shopping! Given that Mother’s Day is right around the corner, the primary focus of my outing was to procure gifts for dear ol’ mom. This year I opted for some bling. Mom loves to shop for clothes, but she rarely follows through with the proper accessories. Hence, bling it is! I did get her something practical as well. Bedroom slippers. Unfortunately, she needs them because she is spending this Mother’s Day in the hospital, recuperating from knee replacement surgery.

I hope Hayden remembers to “Honor Thy Mother” this weekend (yes, our Canadian neighbors observe this holiday). Two years ago, talk-show host Jay Leno embarrassed our boy on The Tonight Show. When Hayden informed Jay that he was unable to spend time with his own mother over the holiday (no doubt due to his demanding publicity schedule for Sith), Jay offered him the chance-of-a-lifetime: to pour out his feelings to his dear mum via national television. Hayden’s off-the-cuff response completely underwhelmed Mr. Leno, who mischievously implored His Bashfulness to “try again.” It was my first opportunity to see Hayden in an interview setting and I found his awkwardness positively endearing. You would think that all actors handle improvisation with ease. Not our Hayden. Poor Chrish must have been mortified. After all, he was there to promote his transformation into bad-ass Darth Vader, Master of the Universe. Then Leno, who clearly relished making the Dark Lord blush, blew that image to smithereens!

Regardless of what Hayden does this weekend, it is imperative that I salute his mom. Mrs. C., you did a superb job raising your youngest son. Clearly, his inner beauty and charm is a reflection of YOU! Happy Mother’s Day to you and to all the mothers out there!

HP Bk5, 112  / 870   [10 May 2007]

Damn, he looks real to me!

Return to Sender

Before I launch into today’s musing, let me just say that The Kid simply ROCKS! He helped out my high school girls’ golf team this week.

Got some bad news. Yesterday’s mail included a familiar, padded envelope with a Toronto address. It was marked “RENVOI A L’EXPEDITEUR” or “RETURN TO SENDER.” Hayden never received my birthday haiku booklet. The reason it was returned? “MOVED / UNKNOWN.” Sigh. I used this same address last year and it was listed on DH.net’s website as of early April. I am so bummed out. I slaved for hours and hours on that thing. Maybe it’s a sign…

Thump!

Me: What was that?

Chloe (alias Darth Kitty): Meow?

Thuh-thump!

Me: There it is again! It sounds like it’s coming from my bedroom closet, Chlo.

Chloe: Meow, meeeoooowwww.

Me (grabbing toy lightsaber): Who’s there? Show yourself! I warn you, I’m armed.

Man: Let not your heart be troubled. Hey, watch where you swing that thing!

Me: Hands in the air, Bud! Who are you?

Man: I AM.

Me: You’re… who?

Man: I AM. Well, some people prefer to call me “God.” (pointing upwards) You know, “The Man Upstairs”? Does “The Big Kahuna” ring a bell?

Me: God, huh? You’re not what I expected.

God: Disappointed?

Me: I just thought you’d look older. You know, with white hair and a long beard…

God: Like Santa Claus? Ever watch that television show, Joan of Arcadia?

Me: The one where the girl talks to God? Sure, I saw it.

God: Well, I took on different forms, didn’t I? Different human forms, in order to converse with Joan so people wouldn’t think she was nutters, right?

Me: Okay, so why are you here?

God: It’s about Hayden.

Me (gulps): Hayden? Christensen?

God: Yes, yes. An actor, I believe. Played that brave Red-eye mannequin or something…

Me: Anakin! Not mannequin! He played Anakin Skywalker, a Jedi Knight!! What about him?

God: Don’t you think you are a little too obsessed, my child?

Me: Me, obsessed? No, of course not. Why do you ask?

God (mutters to himself): In denial. Okay, I expected this.

God: How much time did you spend on that birthday card, that little haiku booklet thingy?

Me: Roughly? About five hours, I’d say. Perhaps it was ten. Maybe closer to fifteen. It’s not like I kept track, you know.

God: Try 26 hours, 40 minutes, and 37 seconds. Not that I kept track, mind you.

Me: Oh… that long? Gee, time flew by. It was fun. I enjoyed it.

God: And what was the result? Did he appreciate your hard work? Sent you a nice thank-you note, did he?

Me (sheepishly): Well, no… he, um, didn’t receive it. It sort of got… returned.

God: Tsk, tsk, tsk. Don’t you think you could’ve made better use of your time, dear? So, you’re not obsessed. Remind me again, what does your license plate say?

Me: HAYDENC. B-b-but it’s all just harmless fun. Like my website.

God: Ah, yes, the website. Not Enough Hayden, is it? Not obsessed—are you absolutely certain?

Me: Positive.

God: So, that wasn’t you I saw stalking Mr. Christensen at the Jumper filming location.

Me: I did not stalk… he wasn’t even there! You, you can’t stalk someone who isn’t… not even in the city.

God: A mere technicality. I’m more concerned about your intent, darlin’.

Me: My intentions were not malicious, if that’s what you’re implying. I was simply curious. I probably wouldn’t have even spoken to him. It took me three whole days to work up the nerve to talk to Joe Lando and ask him for an autograph.

God: But he knew who you were, didn’t he?

Me: I guess so. He signed it “To Kathy” even though I never told him my name. It sort of confirmed my suspicion that he had been reading my musings on DQMW-L, the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman e-mail group. I was the self-appointed president of Lando Lovers Anonymous, a self-help group for the…

God: “…for the hopelessly Lando-addicted.” Yes, I remember it well. Don’t you see the correlation? Maybe you’ve transferred your addiction from one celebrity to another. He’s not real, you know.

Me: Who’s not real? Hayden!?

God (looking sad): Come, come, you’re a bright girl. Great hair, dreamy eyes, kissable mouth, sigh-worthy sideburns, tall, athletic build, well-spoken, polite, humble, a real sweetheart. If I made someone that perfect, I’d have to break the mold. (he laughs)

Me (glumly): I see your point. But how is it that I can see him if he doesn’t really exist?

God: Well, I sometimes sub-contract with ILM. George Lucas’ bunch. They do amazing computer graphics work. Don’t feel bad, hon. That “Hayden” fooled a lot of people. Millions, actually.

Me: But why? You did it to torture me!

God: Don’t be ridiculous. Torture isn’t my thing. I just like to be surrounded by beauty. Plus, you seemed so down after what’s-his-name left. I thought it would cheer you up. I’m afraid it got out of hand, though. Should’ve nipped it in the bud long ago. Look at the bright side. Now you have more time to devote to your other hobbies. Genealogy, as I recall. Have you found that connection to that Salem “witch” yet?

Me: Rebecca Nurse? Not yet. Care to be of some assistance? You have everyone’s file, don’t you?

God: What?! And deprive you of countless hours of joyful library research? I wouldn’t dream of it! Oh, dear, look at the time. I must get going. Just remember, darlin’, that Hayden fellow… not real. (he departs into a bluish mist)

Me: A figment of my imagination? If you don’t mind me saying, God, that really bites!

God: Did you say “bikes”? No, no, Hayden’s dirt bikes aren’t real either. Ta-ta!

Me: No, I said… oh, forget it!

Sigh. I’m sure He means well. I’m still not convinced. Yet… this returned envelope does say “UNKNOWN.” Hmmm, if the post office can’t find Hayden… and I never saw him at Huron High or Gallup Park… Good Lord! Maybe He wasn’t kidding…

HP Bk4, 626  / 734   [04 May 2007]

But is Hayden searching for U?

Searching For Hayden

I always look forward to the start of each month because that is when the web server statistical reports for my website are available. My favorite pastime is perusing the search terms. I’m perpetually curious to know how people found this site and what they are looking for.

Although my Joe Lando fan website closed down centuries ago, based on search queries I’m happy to report that he’s still quite popular. Sometimes more so than Hayden. If only that popularity would translate into more roles via the boob tube. My loyalty to “His Gorgeousness” has not waned one iota, although it’s hard to sustain it when his acting career is in such a dismal holding pattern. Sigh.

But I digress. Based on these search term reports, Hayden still holds his own, thank you. It may (or may not) surprise you, but the man’s spirituality (or lack thereof) seems to weigh heavily on the minds of his fans. Now, juxtapose that with the second most popular search query. I’ve got two words for you: shower scene. As in Life As A House shower scene. Uh-huh, apparently those holier-than-thou babes have got smut on their brains. I am so appalled! Yeah, right. Sign me up for that Hayden Christensen Shower Harem & Bible Study group. Amen, sister, and pass the soap!

Of course, wet and wild is not the only way they will take him. Shirtless will do nicely (your webmistress concurs). Fans also yearn to know more about his various acting roles, his hobbies and especially his family, that loveable Christensen clan. Big brother Tove has his own fan club, it seems. Does Tove have a girlfriend? Is Tove gay? Is Tove a Sagittarius? More pictures of Tove, please! Tove, schmove. Does this look like the Not Enough Tove website? Hardly. Then there’s the pervert who wants nudie pix of his younger sister, Kaylen. Ick!

My favorites, for sure, are search terms based on stuff I actually wrote. At least I know you’re breathin’ out there, folks. Ikea krabb mirror, krabbed, jake gyllenhaal myers briggs, not enough hayden(!!!), hayden christensen production company location, ann arbor gallup park star wars, hayden christensen slob, hayden christensen IQ, making violent love to me (oops, how did that one get in there?).

I wish I had the answers to all those nagging Hayden questions, especially regarding his alleged bee allergy, his sexual orientation, his desire (or not) for children, whether he and Ewan McGregor actually swapped spit at the UK premiere of Sith, his girlfriends (especially that brunette one), favorite music, coffee, etc. Apparently the guy is one big walking, talking enigma. I can’t help but feel your pain. I mean, wouldn’t the world stop revolving on its axis if Hayden refused to procreate!? Bottom line, that’s what we really fear. Good genes are a terrible thing to waste. Let’s all hope it never comes down to that, ladies and gents…

HP Bk4, 618  / 734   [02 May 2007]