Thornhill Lane, Undisclosed Locationsville, TN

Follow the Signs

I’m back from my vacation at Undisclosed Locationsville, Tennessee. Really, sometimes the preparation and aftermath is more stressful than the vacation itself. Prior to departure I had to write annual evaluations for 15 staff members (a more detestable task does not exist). Upon my return I had to trade offices with a co-worker. That meant having to find a new hiding spot for my clandestine photo of Hayden and there just isn’t an equivalent perfect location in this new office. Currently, it is taped to the underside of a shelf next to my desk, visible to anyone sitting at chair level. Furthermore, his face is now distorted (flattened) due to this new perspective. Unacceptable! This closet Hayden fan is perilously at risk of being exposed and feels quite vulnerable right now. Eek!

You know you’re obsessed in thrall with a particular individual when you constantly look for parallels between things happening in your life and his. Not surprisingly, I saw signs of Hayden everywhere during my vacation. For instance, sighting a Bobcat in a road construction zone triggered immediate recall of Hayden’s claim to have bought similar construction toys. Also, while traversing the fearsome Cincinnati bridge, we followed a vehicle sporting an Ontario license plate. Coincidence? And, incredibly, when I took in a local theatrical production of Guys & Dolls last week, who should I see on stage but Mr. Christensen himself! Um… well, actually, the actor who played Harry the Horse (a gambler’s nickname, not a guy in a horse suit) was named Kacy Christensen. But, hey, it’s close enough for me. Although an understudy, he did a terrific job. I clapped extra hard for him.

There were no big name actors* in this production. The only quasi-famous person in the cast was Craig Blake, whose bio claimed recent participation in a Dancing with the Stars tour, a fact I was unable to verify. He was the one whom Kacy Christensen replaced, so I didn’t get to see him. The Cumberland County Playhouse attracts a lot of local, transplanted, and temporarily, specially-engaged talent. My favorite is Carol Irvin, a Florida native who has appeared in over 150 CCP productions. Now that’s what I call job security!

While driving around the resort where I was staying, I came across yet another sign. This one said “Thornhill Lane.” A reminder of Hayden’s childhood domicile, Thornhill, Ontario. Natch, I snapped a photo for y’all (above) since I figured you would think I was making it up. I wanted to snap Kacy Christensen's mug as well (he was twentyish and kind of cute despite a shaved head), but photography wasn’t allowed during the performance and he didn’t greet patrons in the lobby after the show.

A dreamboat of a home in Tennessee

I could bore you with numerous photos of flora and fauna, picturesque golf courses, the Cincinnati skyline, stone bridge architecture, and Lexington (Kentucky) horse farms, all taken with my nifty new camera, but I shall limit myself to just one more: one of the many lovely homes at the resort where I stayed in Undisclosed Locationsville. It sits opposite the marina and positively reeks of money. It doesn’t have that coveted wrap-around porch, but isn’t it a beauty? There was a house near a golf course with a to-die-for wrap-around porch. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to get a picture of it.

Last of all, I have a movie recommendation. On my final day of vacation I went to see Stardust, starring Claire Danes, Charlie Cox, Sienna Miller, Michelle Pfeiffer and Robert DeNiro. A delightful fantasy flick. It reminded me somewhat of The Princess Bride, with its low-brow humor and all. Yes, there is swordplay, although nothing on par with Princess Bride or even Revenge of the Sith. Still, I thought it was a fun film that definitely deserves a future home in my DVD collection.

*According to the Guys & Dolls program, Josh Powell (playing Sky Masterson) was the only performer appearing courtesy of the Actors’ Equity Association.  [16 Aug 2007]

Googling hole no. 6

Gone Golfing

Soon I will be taking off on a much-needed vacation. It’s been an extremely stressful week, so I’m eager to go. My parents own a condo at a resort in Tennessee and that’s where I am headed. To relax, play with my new camera, see the sights, eat way too much restaurant food, do a little shopping, and take up crocheting again.

When I say I’m “going golfing”, please don’t take me literally. This resort has four golf courses with highbrow names like Stonehenge, Druid Hills, Dorchester, and Heatherhurst, but don’t look for me on the links. Miniature golf is more my speed. Incidentally, the above photo is not an innocent golf course shot inserted merely to illustrate this piece. On the contrary, I believe it has special meaning for You-Know-Who.

Lest you think this will be a Hayden-free vacation, perish the very thought! I may work on the redesign of this website, although the planning will be done mostly in my head since I won’t have a computer with me. I already have the new banner made and I am very pleased with it. Unfortunately, the banner is the easy part. I shall be thinking of Hayden as I partake of a local theatrical production at the Cumberland County Playhouse. Not sure if I’ll see Guys and Dolls, Death of a Salesman, or The Mikado.

Before I leave … I have to add my two cents worth concerning Hayden’s latest project. We all know (or should know) that he bought some property in Ontario and is designing/building a new house. Well, I hope he doesn’t mind me offering a few suggestions on what his new house needs. First of all, a big, wrap-around porch is a must. Furnish it with rocking chairs or a porch swing so you can relax and chew the fat with your family, neighbors… or any fans who might have an affinity for wrap-around porches. Second, get a friendly Alaskan Malamute to welcome cute but shy women who wander by and a menacing Doberman Pinscher named “Fang” to sic on the annoying stalker/paparazzi types.

Happy bums

Third, I just found this advertisement for a… well, I’m not exactly sure what to call it, but I guess you could refer to it as a P.C.S. — Personal Cleansing System. Washlet is the brand name; “Clean Is Happy” is their motto. The videos are quite smirk-worthy, but how could anyone resist those cute bums? Don’t we all need a little pampering? And if Hayden takes that suggestion seriously, I might renounce my allegiance to him!

Update: Keep the people of Minneapolis and their loved ones in your thoughts and prayers. After seeing that devastating bridge collapse, I’m not excited about crossing Cincinnati’s Brent Spence bridge (same vintage, cantilever truss design) twice during my TN trip. A school bus full of children has been prominently mentioned by the media (all survived). Having been in a school bus accident at age eleven, I feel for those kids. It’s a terrifying experience.   [01 Aug 2007]

Deathly Hallows book jacket (U.S.)

The Boy Who Lived (mostly OT)

Yesterday was a banner day. My new digital camera arrived in the mail and I finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Actually, I finished the book during the wee hours of Thursday morning, but let’s not quibble about trivial matters. Oddly enough, the first picture I took with my new camera was of the book’s cover. Boring, huh? Then I snapped pictures of a live subject. Darth Kitty was being very uncooperative during her photoshoot. In the first good photo she is sticking out her tongue at me. Priceless! My cat takes after Hayden. No surprise there. She is a big Anakin fan.

I did not upgrade my shipping at Amazon.com, nonetheless Deathly Hallows arrived on the release date, Saturday, July 21. What a pleasant surprise. Took my time reading it, though, because I wanted to savor the experience for as long as possible. So, does Harry Potter live? Or does Lord Voldemort triumph in the end? Don’t worry, I’m not going to reveal any spoilers here.

I thought the book was marvelous. Although the camping expeditions got a bit tedious, I loved the ending. I thought author J.K. Rowling did a wonderful job of wrapping it all up. A mind-numbing amount of detail is regurgitated from earlier books, all ultimately relevant to resolving this epic tale. I had my own ideas of how it should end, but Ms. Rowling chose a different path. Essentially, I got my wish, but not quite the way I had envisioned it.

Yes, there is humor and a smattering of romance, fearsome fighting, narrow escapes, and death. And ruminations galore by our hero Harry and his dynamic Hogwarts duo: encyclopedic Hermione Granger and cheerleader Ron Weasley. Still, there are disappointments. For instance, I felt there was a missed opportunity between Ron and Hermione. Eventually, the pivotal moment does play out, but it was ill-timed as far as I was concerned. I guess Rowling was going for the slightly comedic value while I was looking for a moment of tenderness.

“It would have been humanly impossible to answer every single question that comes up. Because, I'm dealing with a level of obsession in some of my fans that will not rest until they know the middle names of Harry's great, great grandparents.”
—Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling

According to comments I have read, some readers hated the ending. Many of them seem to fall into the category that Ms. Rowling describes in the above quote. I think these are the people who became overinvested in Harry’s saga. They’ve read each book 4 or 5 times; know them forwards and backwards, inside and out. They have memorized, analyzed, and hypothesized several outcomes. They feel they could have done a far better job in writing its conclusion. They want every, and I do mean every, loose end tied up. Well, folks, I hate to break it to ya, but it ain’t a perfect world! Sometimes mysteries remain just that — mysteries. Take Hayden, for instance. Do we know all there is to know about him? Of course not. Would we like to know more? Absolutely. Mysteriousness is fascinating and keeps us coming back for more. However, obsessing is unhealthy, which is why I limit my thoughts of Hayden to non-sleeping hours only!

Like Star Wars, this was a tale borrowing on many themes found in classic literature. The early stories were rather light and easy reading, fitting for any child Harry’s age, but I hadn’t expected the stories to get so dark, so grown-up, and the reading level to increase with each passing year. How fiendishly clever of the author! Children who complete the Harry Potter series are capable of tackling even more challenging literature in the future.

I liked how Harry wasn’t afraid to call evil by its true name. While others cowered and treated You-Know-Who with deference, Harry saw him for who he was: A murderer without remorse. Someone to be loathed, not revered. Someone who had to be stopped. Instead of tip-toeing around Voldemort’s name, Harry said it boldly, contemptuously, frequently, and even got others to use it. On the flip side, Harry also saw value in sacrifice and redemption.

Today’s world could learn much from Harry Potter. We no longer value sacrifice, or doing the right thing even though it might be hard. We want the easy way out, whatever will make us feel good. “Oh, no, we can’t hurt You-Know-Who’s feelings!” is postmodern speak. Who are we to judge Voldemort? After all, he had a rotten childhood! (hmmm, so did Harry Potter) We’re multi-culti wimps now. Our world is all about creating victims (i.e., the offended) and not rocking the boat. We are the Draco Malfoys who whine while criticizing those who take the risks. We are the Ministry of Magic who, when confronted by evil, says “Nothing to see here. Move along.” We are the enlightened elites who allow others — those whom we consider to be our inferiors — to do the dirty work when the going gets tough. How can good survive if so many see evil and look the other way? In the end, evil has to be confronted and defeated.

Also, I am beholden to Joanne Kathleen Rowling for creating such a fascinating, magical world: Severus Snape (who must be an amalgam of my two high school chemistry teachers), Gringotts, Patronus (mine would be a ferret), Confund, Avada Kedavra! (the killing curse), Expelliarmus! (a disarming charm), Phoenix tears, Albus Dumbledore, the Dark Mark, Xenophilius Lovegood (and Luna!), Ollivander’s, thestrals, Reparo! (a repairing spell), transfiguration, Gryffindor, Slytherin, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Bellatrix Lestrange, the Sorting Hat, Accio! (a summoning charm), horcruxes, Sirius Black, basilisks, Hogwarts, “Merlin’s beard!”, Rubeus Hagrid, Howlers, Quidditch, Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans, Dementors, Pigwidgeon, Rita Skeeter, Muggles, Golden Snitch, Draco Malfoy, The Leaky Cauldron, Nymphadora Tonks, butterbeer and pumpkin juice, the Floo Network, hippogriffs, Death Eaters, Pensieve, Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington a.k.a. Nearly Headless Nick, Seekers, mandrakes, Crucio! (an Unforgivable Curse), aurors, Tom Marvolo Riddle (“I am Lord Voldemort”), Lumos! (and its opposite, Nox), the Room of Requirement, house elves, Azkaban, boggarts, Wingardium Leviosa! (a levitation charm), OWLs and NEWTs, Arithmancy (my personal favorite), veritaserum, Potterwatch, Moaning Myrtle, and Blast-Ended Skrewts.

Accio Hayden! Dang! I can never get that one to work. Note to self: Must get a better wand. Sigh. Methinks someone has cast a protective shield charm around him. Most likely his mom.

I already pity the screenwriter(s) of film #7. What do you leave out? It could easily be a 4-hour movie. I am so glad that Daniel, Rupert and Emma have signed on for the last two installments. Many of the finest UK actors in the business have appeared in the Harry Potter films: Alan Rickman, Imelda Staunton, Ralph Fiennes, Gary Oldman, Maggie Smith, Richard Harris, Michael Gambon, Emma Thompson, Robert Hardy, Helena Bonham Carter, and David Thewlis, to name just a few.

Okay, I know you’re dying to ask me. Did I cry during any part of the book? Did I cry? Is Hayden the sexiest man alive? Actually, I shed no tears during the final chapter or the epilogue. But I gushed like an artesian well when Harry decided the time was right to finally face his archnemesis, Lord Voldemort. Brave Harry. Would he survive? As Dumbledore said, “Ah, that is the question, isn’t it?”

Happy reading, Potter fans!

HP Bk7, 759  / 759   [26 July 2007]

Butterflied Hayden

Now Showing

The final Harry Potter book will be released tomorrow (tonight at 12:01 a.m.) amid tremendous hoopla. Last week I tried to upgrade my shipping in order to get it on the release date, but Amazon.com had already closed down that option for existing orders. Bummer. I hope I don’t hear any spoilers between now and the time I get to read it, which might not be until my vacation in early August. I went to see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix last weekend. Great flick. I think I’m developing a bit of a crush on Daniel Radcliffe. Yeah, I know. He’s still jailbait, but only for a few more days (turns 18 this coming Monday). There were several previews of upcoming films that looked interesting: Enchanted, Stardust (with Sienna Miller), and The Bourne Ultimatum look like winners to me.

Speaking of Ms. Sienna, yesterday I came across the Factory Girl DVD at a store, for cheaper than Amazon’s selling price. I wasn’t wild about the film and didn’t see the point in shelling out more than $20 for it. Unfortunately, my willpower was nil yesterday and I purchased it for $19.99, a penny under my $20 threshold. Had I exhibited a modicum of patience, I bet I could have had it for half that price. Anyway, I watched the whole thing last night, but didn’t have time to rewind and view Hayden’s sex scene ad nauseam. Nor did I watch any of the special features. The DVD contained several theatrical previews, including one for Penelope (release date August 17) starring Christina Ricci. Hayden had reportedly been attached to this fantasy flick and I was looking forward to it, but James McAvoy got the part instead. Oh, well. Maybe Hayden couldn’t fit it in his schedule, or decided it wasn’t what he really wanted to do. Reese Witherspoon is also in it.

I do need to write up a review for Factory Girl, which I feel more confident in doing now that I have my own copy. I did think that Sienna Miller and Guy Pearce turned in wonderful performances. Hayden, on the other hand, was probably fine. I just couldn’t get past my feelings that he was playing someone else, not actually being that character.

The wildly popular Ann Arbor Art Fair is going on right now. I took in several booths around my office building during lunch today (the weather is gorgeous). It’s the one time of the year I wish I had scads of money and pierced ears. Great art, great jewelry. I fell in love with a wonderful digital art piece by printmaker John Voorheis (of Mishawaka, IN) — price tag $225. Photographer Mike Moats (Sterling Heights, MI) has some stunning nature (leaf-themed) photographs that really pop out at you. Georgia Janisse (Indianapolis, IN) has lovely oil paintings of beach settings (at $2,000 a pop). Celebrity photographer Dick Zimmerman’s (Clearwater, FL) unique hand-painted photographs are real eye-catchers. Also, I couldn’t help but stop to ogle Bill McCamish’s jewelry. I bought a pendant from him a few years ago. Unfortunately, I am reduced to window shopping this year because I just ordered a new digital camera. A seven megapixel Panasonic Lumix DMC-FZ8. Hey, if I ever cross paths with Mr. Christensen, maybe I will get some sweet photographs.  [20 July 2007]

Not a basket case, just basket-weaved!

Analyze This

Looking back on my recent posts, I detect an obvious, emerging theme. Marriage and kids. Of course I’ll state the obvious: Hayden is single and childless, and seems disinclined to change his status anytime soon. So what gives? Why do I keep harping on these subjects? Well, I do like to read a couple of blogs written by psychoanalysts, so I am starting to self-analyze. What is it that psychologists say… someone who represents herself has a fool for a client? Oh, no, attorneys-at-law say that. I’m sure the same concept applies here though. Anyway, don’t try this at home, kids.

After careful study I now realize what is happening. I am projecting my fears onto poor Hayden. Projection is a psychological defense mechanism. To avoid dealing with reality… scary reality — really, really, scary reality — I am attributing my unacknowledged feelings to another person. In this case, my precious Chrish. Obviously, this is distressing — for both of us. According to one of the psychoanalyst-bloggers, the projectionee perceives the projectioner as “socially undesirable, immature, difficult and out of touch.” Even worse, projection is a primative form of paranoia. Yikes!

Alright, I admit I am starved for male attention! Yes, I want to get marrrrried! Being unattached was fine for a while, but now it absolutely sucks. Yes, I’ve probably waited too long to have kids and I am feeling quite desperate about that, too. A soul mate seems like a pipe dream. I foolishly thought that trimming down to a svelte 112 pounds (51 kg) — eat your heart out, girls — would result in men crawling out of the woodwork and dropping to one knee to propose marriage! I drool over celebrities mostly because they are “safe” objects of affection, i.e., they never fall in love with you, but neither will they abandon you for being dull as dishwater.

As those shrinks like to say, I have “issues” with men. I actually do get along quite well with guys. As long as they are married or gay. It’s the single hetero males that scare the wits out of me. Precisely because they are available. Hayden, on the other hand, isn’t even remotely available. He might as well be made out of paper mâché. However, not that many available guys do show interest in moi. Or, maybe they do and I am projecting again! I think they don’t know what to make of me. In high school I was a top student… and a varsity cheerleader. A cheerleader who didn’t date football or basketball players. I dated and lusted after swimmers, who tend to be your brainier athletes (at least in my school). In college I was a math major, but ultimately fell for a musician. Two of the three guys I dated in college were the direct result of my friends’ intervention. “Who is that guy staring at you,” they’d ask. To which I would inevitably reply, “What guy?”

Yes, I’m as observant as a sleep-deprived night watchman. There could be a roomful of Hayden clones swooning in my general direction and I would be totally oblivious. Well, maybe I would notice a roomful of Haydens. How could you not? Most likely I have missed out on some opportunities due to my innate modesty. I don’t sit around, laughing and giggling and tossing my head to attract attention to myself. My head is usually buried in books, or a magazine, or a newspaper, or back issues of Not Enough Hayden. It seems conceited to gaze around, expecting all eyes to be on you. Or even 10 percent. Okay, I’d settle for two beady little eyes. No, wait, I hate beady eyes! I prefer Hayden’s eyes. Sigh.

So, my apologies to Hayden. He deserves better. And next time I blather on about Hayden needing to get married or starting a family of his own, you’ll know where I am coming from. Just roll your eyes and say to yourself (in a cloying, sing-songy voice), “Someone needs a boyfriend!!”  [13 July 2007]

The Prez in the Oval Office

7-7-07/Hayden in the White House

My cousin was among the hoards of couples that got hitched on Saturday — lucky 7/7/07. My invitation arrived ages ago and my only thought at the time was, “Oh, it’s the Saturday after the Fourth of July.” The significance of the date, which actress Eva Longoria and NBA player Tony Parker also chose for their nuptials, was lost on me until last week, when the media started airing stories about it. Honest. For being a numbers gal, I can be incredibly blonde dense sometimes. Anyway, it was a very bizarre, laid-back wedding. Halfway through the ceremony, the bride began to squirm. Whazzup wid dat, babe? Did a bee get caught inside ur dress? She whispered something to the minister and he announced that the bride had slipped out of her shoes because her feet were killing her! After the ceremony, her step-mom also ran around sans shoes.

The bride’s sister, a practicing Muslim, was dressed in abaya and hijab, yet I felt the sparkly silver eyeliner belied her supposed pious modesty. Tattoos, quite prevalent among the bride’s non-Muslim family and friends, were non-existent among the groom’s. You can probably guess to which side of the family I belonged (*cough* tattooless). Oh, excuse me. Must’ve got a frog caught in my throat.

They kind of did things backwards: had the baby first, then the wedding. I guess that’s chic these days. The paternal grandparents didn’t seem to mind since their long-time bachelor son provided only their second grandchild in 16 years. But that’s two more grandkids than my parents have… unless you count the granddog and grandcat.

Changing gears. Don’t you think it would be cool to see Hayden in the White House? President Hayden Christensen has a satisfying ring to it. “Wait,” you say to yourself, “isn’t he Canadian?” True. He fails to meet the criteria as established in the Constitution. Article II, Section 1 states:

No Person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President; neither shall any person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty five Years, and been fourteen Years a Resident within the United States.

So, he flunks both the citizenship and age requirements. Phooey! But there are other ways Hayden could sneak in through the back door. Aside from playing the POTUS in film or television, he could marry a woman who meets the criteria and is elected to the office (one particular dame comes to mind). Then he would be our First Jedi, er, First Gent (as in gentleman). No doubt the Secret Service would have fun with his code name, Darth Vader…

SS Agent #1: Darth Vader is on the move! I repeat, Vader is marching toward the East Room to rendezvous with the Blonde Bombshell. Our ETA is 3 minutes.

SS Agent #2: Vader arriving in three. Copy that.

SS Agent #2 (to another agent): Collins, inform the Blonde Bombshell of Lord Vader’s impending arrival.

SS Agent Collins: Right away, sir. (he departs)

SS Agent #3 (shouting): Okay, people, you know the drill… LOOK BUSY!!!

 

Fred & Jeri Thompson with daughter Hayden

Well, there is an easier way. Although Law & Order actor and former senator from Tennessee, Fred Thompson, has yet to declare his candidacy for president*, incredibly, he is the key to delivering Hayden to the White House. Another perennial bachelor (actually a long-time divorcé), Mr. Thompson has a hot-looking wife (24 years his junior) and two young children, infant son Sammy and three-year-old daughter… Miss Hayden Victoria Thompson (pictured at right). Isn’t she adorable?

*This is not an endorsement of the candidacy of Fred Dalton Thompson for President.  [09 July 2007]

Star-struck Hayden?

Tennis Star

I apologize that my Canada Day message wasn’t more uplifting. Hey, I can’t be chipper 24/7, can I? Besides, it was the perfect time to get the attention of our neighbors Up North. Speaking of timing, I think it is also a good time to update you on even more important matters. Yes, let’s revisit the things I have in common with you-know-who. In case you haven’t been keeping on top of this late-breaking news, a few more items were added to The List in recent weeks. Plus, I just thought of another one, although it isn’t really something I have in common with him so much as it is one of my relatives.

We all know that Hayden was a top-notch junior tennis player in his homeland (not so hot a ball boy, though). He might have gone on to make his millions via the professional tennis circuit, had legions of loyal tennis groupies, and dated babes like Maria Sharapova, but no… tennis was not his ultimate passion. Either that, or he was shunned by the tennis community following a tragically short-lived career as McEnroe’s ball boy!

Well, I’ll have you know that I played tennis, too. In college. Granted, it was a beginner’s tennis class, a physical education course, and half of my grade was based on attendance (which I aced, metaphorically speaking). But, I know in my heart that I could have been truly great, if only I had started a decade earlier. You see, tennis is in my genes. That’s right. My dad’s first cousin was a tennis coach at the University of Notre Dame and even wrote a book on tennis drills. In 1998 she started a sports psychology consulting business called Head Coaching (free plug ’cuz she’s my cuz).

Besides tennis, here are some other things Hayden and I have in common:

• Younger siblings born in December
• Thinks L.A. is a nice place to visit, but not a permanent address
• Live in the same time zone
• Moved when we were 6 years old
• Reside on or own a farm

Here is a trivia fact that has nothing to do with tennis. If you put me and my siblings and Hayden and his sibs in chronological order you get: girl-boy-girl-boy-girl-boy-girl, or gbgbgbg. [03 July 2007]