At Rest?

Dearly Departed

Dream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you’ll die today. —James Dean

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to bid a fond farewell to our dear brother Hayden and to celebrate the life of a man who brought joy to countless…”

Guy (whispering in back of room): What is she talking about? Has Hayden Christensen kicked the bucket?

Girl (suddenly scared): I have n-n-n-n-no idea. C’mon, let’s g-g-g-get closer.

“My friends, Hayden would not want you to mourn his untimely demise. No, no, he is likely looking down on us all. Smiling that devastating smile of his, urging us to see his next film due out in a couple of months, Jumper XLVI: Anarchy of the Paladin Clones, for which he’d humbly accept a posthumous Oscar nomination. He was telling me the other day, God rest his mortal soul, ‘This one is going to be a doozy, Sister. One for the ages!’ He was so proud…”

Guy (still whispering): But how did he, um, die?

Mourner in Black: I heard he got whacked by some Paladin disguised as an infant. Right between the…

Guy: No, I didn’t mean in the film. I meant…

Girl: Pipe down, would’ja? I’m tryin’ to hear what she’s sayin’.

Now, ladies and gents, this was only a drill. If this had been a real funeral/memorial service for Hayden Christensen, you better believe you would have received a super urgent text message alert by now. Rest easy, dearly devoted… er, Hayden fans. It’s been confirmed by officials at Skywalker Ranch that our boy is very much alive and kicking.

Hey, I didn’t mean to scare the living crap out of y’all, but there was an article about Steve Jobs, the guy who brought us the iPod…

Host of angels (singing): Hallelujah!!

Stuff a sock in it, cherubs! I think you’re wanted in Studio B. Skeedaddle!! Now, where was I … oh, yes. It turns out that the bumbling financial news service, Bloomberg, inadvertently sent out on Wednesday last an unfinished and entirely premature obituary for Mr. Jobs. It was yanked posthaste, natch. Howev, it isn’t unusual for news services to write pre-cadaverous obits for celebs. Just in case they… you know. But this incident got my gears spinning. Is our Hayden famous enough to currently have his obituary a work-in-progress? Goodness, it’s a scary thought, isn’t it? And yet, Heath Ledger is but one example of a young chap who perished before his time. Were the journos caught unawares on that one? Need I remind you that Hayden has taken up the dangerous hobby of piloting small aircraft. Yeah, a family friend died doing that. So did New York Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle. Crashed into a 40-story building, he did.

Okay, okay, enough of this morbid chit-chat. Nobody’s writing off Hayden’s life just yet (knocks on wood). Certainly not me (throws salt over shoulder). He’s got plenty of terrific performances left in him. Don’t want to hear no comparisons of him to that James Dean fella. That’s like the kiss of death. This is one actor who is going to live to see his star ensconced on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. No sir, no dirt napping for him. [28 August 2008]

Beijing Olympics

Olympic Haydens

First off, let’s put those salacious rumors to rest, shall we? I am not dating swimming phenom Michael Phelps!

Goodness gracious, how do these outrageous gossipy gems get started? Yes, it’s true that I love swimming and, due to having a fish brother, attended a few hundred swim meets over the years. Therefore, I grew to appreciate the male physique finer points of the sport. For instance, did you know that some swimmers “shave down” for important meets such as the Olympics? They shave nearly all exposed areas on their body (except guys, for some inexplicable reason, refuse to shave their pits) in order to “enhance laminar flow” (i.e., cut down on water resistance). Of course, the new body suits also help with that.

Now, I realize Michael is all the rage since he won those 8 gold medals in Beijing. He’s been training here in Ann Arbor since the Athens (2004) Olympics, yet he and I have never crossed paths. By his own admission, all he does is EAT, SLEEP & SWIM. Since I have stepped foot only once inside Canham (where Club Wolverine trains) during the past quadrennial, it’s easy to understand why we haven’t met.

You better believe I watched every one of his races and very nearly missed his record-setting result in the 4 x 100m medley relay, all because there was some dude in the next lane named Hayden Stoeckel (2nd place Australian team). Yeah, talk about a distraction. Anytime I hear the name “Hayden” my little antenna goes bonkers.

Surprisingly, there are not a lot of “Haydens” competing in the Olympics this year. However, one of them, Brent Hayden, is a 24-year-old Canadian swimmer from Vancouver, British Columbia (gasp!). His best finish was 5th in the 4 x 200m freestyle relay—alas, no medal. The other Olympic-Haydens are both on Team New Zealand:

• Hayden Roulsten :: Cycling-Track
• Hayden Shaw :: Hockey

Out of curiosity, I watched some of the trampoline competition because Hayden’s older sister Hejsa used to compete (those trampoliners are scary-good!). Y’all know that story about how Hayden was discovered, right? If not… Hejsa was a former junior trampoline champion in Canada (she’s actually a tremendous athlete who could kick my butt, if not Hayden’s). She was asked to appear in a Pringles commercial and advised to get an agent. One of the times she met with this agent she had to take little Hayden along because she was “stuck” babysitting him. Bummer, huh? Natch, the agent was enthralled with that pint-sized marvel and offered to represent him, too. So, that’s how our boy started doing commercials, which led to Star Wars and the like. [19 August 2008]

Señor Smolder

Hayden Valentino

Some people have speculated that Hayden’s middle name (if he has one) is Sterling. Or that his real name is Sterling Hayden Christensen. Now, this would suggest that Hayden’s parents either (a) had extraordinary divinatory powers or (b) intentionally steered their youngest son into the acting profession. Why? Because “Hayden Sterling” is a transposition of the name Sterling Hayden (1916-1986) who was an American actor (The Asphalt Jungle, Dr. Strangelove). Given that his father allegedly wanted him to pursue a tennis scholarship and pooh-poohed his idea of becoming an actor, both scenarios seem implausible.

However, let’s not sell David & Alie short. Perhaps they could see into the future. Indeed, Wikipedia describes Sterling Hayden as “a genuine adventurer and man of action.” And get this… he was known as “The Most Beautiful Man in the Movies” and “The Beautiful Blond Viking God.” Sounds like someone we know, ja? Yet, the similarities end there. Mister Hayden (not to be confused with our own darling boy) reportedly had a distaste for film acting and viewed it simply as a means for funding his many sailing adventures.

For the record, I don't believe Hayden’s middle (or first) name is Sterling. I haven’t the foggiest idea what it might be. Still, I think everyone should have a middle name or two or three. The possibility that Hayden might not keeps me awake at night. Not really, but it gives me an excuse to make one up!

How about these…

• Hayden Jayden ?
• Hayden Thatdanishgod ?
• Hayden Helluvaguy ?
• Hayden Adoresme ?
• Hayden Saint ?
• Hayden P. Diddy ?
• Hayden Luke Skywalker ?

Which begs the question… was Anakin’s boy named for his creator, George LUCAS (Luke>Lucas)? Just askin’.

What, you want more middle names? No prob. I aim to please.

• Hayden Aloysius
• Hayden Jedi
• Hayden Valentino***
• Hayden Scott Barringer
• Hayden Yoda-Wan
• Hayden Nelson
• Hayden JackieTitoJermaineMarlonMichael
• Hayden Raz — after his idol, Robert Allen Zimmerman, aka Bob Dylan
• Hayden Lex Luthor
• Hayden Zephyr
• Hayden Thor — hey, what’s wrong with Thor? it’s Danish!
• Hayden Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious — and my 5th grade teacher thought I’d never find a use for that word!
• Hayden Del.icio.us
• Hayden Googleit
• Hayden Lando — mmmm, the best of both worlds

When naming a kid, experts advise parents to consider what the little munchkin’s initials will spell. For instance, H?C could be…

• Hayden Atticus Christensen (HAC) — sounds like my cat came down with another hairball
• Hayden Ignatius Christensen (HIC) — he may be a farm boy now, but he’s no hick
• Hayden Olaf Christensen (HOC) — and if his mom’s maiden name was Key he would be Hayden Olaf Christensen-Key or HOC-KEY
• Hayden Ulysses Christensen (HUC)

Huc… Huck?? Like Huck Finn?

Works for me. Ulysses it is!!

Seriously, I’ve always considered Hayden Christensen to be a yummy name needing no embellishment. Yet, if his middle name is Sterling, then he and I would have another thing in common: middle names that start with S.

***Funny, true story. My dad was born close to Valentine’s Day and his mother wanted to name him Rudolph/Rudy after heartthrob/silent movie actor Rudolph Valentino. Grandpa wisely put the kibosh on that one. But this little vignette proves that I come by this infatuation for actors stuff naturally. It’s in my genes. Personally, I would have voted for the much sexier Olivier over Valentino any day.

UPDATE: While my name suggestions were made with tongue firmly implanted in cheek, singer Gwen Stefani named her newborn son Zuma Nesta Rock. “Mother, baby and family are all happy and healthy,” according to Stefani’s publicist Dave Tomberlin. Oh, really? How much you wanna bet little Zuma’s not doing backflips over his name. [15 August 2008]

Hayden gets jumbled

Neuroconfusion

I’m getting mixed messages. Has Hayden been canned? dumped? rubbed out? Or is Seven Arts Pictures just cleaning house?

Quiet Earth recently stumbled upon some early Neuromancer film poster art and mentioned that Hayden was attached to this sci-fi flick. But a quick look at IMDb and Seven Arts’ site reveals that Hayden’s name is missing from the cast list (indeed, no actors are currently listed). Furthermore, the phrase “Hayden Christensen stars as Cage [sic]” has been, shall we say, “cleansed” from the film’s current synopsis page as revealed in this snapshot taken by Google on 08 August 2008, a mere five days ago. The main character’s name is Case, not Cage. I know this because Hayden was previously listed as Case on IMDb, plus I am presently reading the William Gibson novel on which the film is based. Btw, Gibson coined the term “cyberspace” in 1984. Dude!

Actually, I was befuddled by the news that Hayden was doing this film. Especially since it is in the sci-fi genre and so is Jumper. Why paint himself into a corner, doing two similar flicks/roles so close together? I thus considered it more rumor than fact. If Hayden was attached to Neuromancer, perhaps he thought better of it and decided to back out. Or maybe the Jumper sequel has solidified to the point that he could no longer commit to both. (He reportedly signed a contract that committed him to three Jumper films.) Or maybe… he changed his mind when the producers nixed Blanche as his choice to play the part of Case’s sidekick, Molly.

Just wondering… did I miss Hayden’s interview at DesiringHayden.net? He promised Jen he would do it and we know that Hayden always, always keeps his promises, right?

UPDATE: Ahhhhh, I need to read the authoritative DH.net website more closely… it’s been confirmed that Neuromancer is O-U-T, maybe never was.

License plate recently sighted: DARTHX [13 August 2008]

Kaleidoscopin’ Hayden

2 Normal 4 Showbiz?

I’m baaaaack! Miss me?

It smelled like something had died in my house. Terrific. Did Darth Kitty go to that Great Cat Ranch In The Sky while I was away? You’d think her caretaker would have at least warned me so I wouldn’t walk in on my beloved pet… petrified. Wait, there’s a note. Teenaged cat sitter astutely surmises putrid smell to be a deceased rodent of undetermined location. Following my nose I discover the pungent mouse… under my bed. What a swell homecoming gift. Had to sleep on the living room sofa until the smell dissipated (48 hours). Ick!

Otherwise, it was a relaxing break. Sightseeing, check. Sample the local cuisine, multiple checks. Take in a play (where I assisted in a medical emergency!) and antique shop, check and check. I also managed to read three novels. I haven’t zipped through that much pulp fiction since last year’s Harry Potter marathon. I finally got around to reading Jumper: Griffin’s Story by Steven Gould, third book in the Jumper trilogy. It was specifically written for the film to introduce new characters: Griffin and those creepy Paladins. My expectations were kinda low for this book, but it was better than expected.

I also read Derby Girl by Shauna Cross. Now, why would I read a tome geared toward the juvie set, you ask? Well, it happens to be the novel on which the forthcoming film Whip It is based. The one I told you about earlier—Drew Barrymore’s directorial debut. She actually chose to film it here in Michigan and set up her production offices in nearby Saline. Furthermore, I applied to be an extra. Surprised? Believe me, I thought of a zillion and one reasons why I shouldn’t and nearly wimped out. Boy, what a wuss. Ultimately, I decided to take a shot at it.

According to local newspaper articles, the production wanted to cast thousands of extras, ages 18 and up. The more eccentric looking, the better. Pink hair, mohawks, bald men, people who knew sign language or who could roller skate. Filming with extras would take place July 28-August 11, conflicting with my already scheduled vacation time. Crap! Even though the timing wasn’t ideal and I don’t really do eccentric, I still emailed my application/photo and available dates to the agency in charge of extras casting. Then I waited. And waited. And waited. Nothing.

Recalling that Jumper extras, utilized in the Ann Arbor area last year, filled out their paperwork only a few days before filming began, I feared notification might come after I left on my vacation. Fortunately, three of my co-travelers brought their laptops, enabling me to check my email while away. But… you guessed it. Nothing. Nada. Zip.

Being a glass-half-full gal, I consoled myself with the fact that a casting agency did not think I was eccentric looking. Yet, being too normal was of small comfort since I yearned to make my acting debut. Imagine me, sharing the big screen with the likes of Ellen Page, Juliette Lewis, Jimmy Fallon, and Drew herself. I even pictured myself accepting that first-ever Oscar statuette awarded to an Outstanding Background Actor or Actress!

Upon returning home I was happily stunned to find a reply from the agency in my inbox. Nope, it wasn’t a rejection letter. Instead, they invited me to continue the registration process by filling out a “talent” form to become a registered extra and submitting a nominal fee. Too little, too late, it would seem.

Alas, my dream of being a Whip It extra appears to be over. Yet, who knows. Another opportunity may be lurking around the corner. Oh, Hollywood. I was willing to give you my mind, body and soul, but you snubbed me. Sure, it’s tough, reading the many reports: about filming in progress, local residents who were selected to be extras, and the actors’ favorite hangout (a dive in Ypsilanti called the Elbow Room), but I’ll survive. I still have Hayden, who has more clout in showbiz than I could ever hope to have.

What about this medical emergency at the playhouse? Thought you’d never ask. Shortly after the play began, I was startled by an odd sound emitted from the woman sitting on my right. Her head snapped backward and her eyes rolled back into her head. Yeah, scary. Then her head tilted forward until her chin came to rest on her chest. Realizing she had blacked out and this position could obstruct her airway, I pushed up on her forehead to straighten out her neck and began talking to her, asking if she was okay, could she hear me? After a few seconds, her eyes fluttered open and she groggily responded. By then, three ushers had hurried forward to help the woman out to the lobby. I’m happy to report that she was alert and talking during intermission. [06 August 2008]

Hayden and his playmate

I Want My SexyBack!

Those Brits really know how to get your attention. According to a recent article, a woman in the UK gave her husband an unusual 40th birthday gift: sex everyday for an entire year. I can hear the collective gasp of married gals across the globe (as the men snicker in unison). I suspect you have to be married (or previously wed) to truly appreciate the humor in this. Never-marrieds naïvely believe that doing the daily horizontal mambo is easy-peasy. I give this woman credit for realizing that she had given sex such a low priority that hubby was reduced to begging for it. Poor bloke.

Natch, that got me to thinking… could this be applied to my currently shagless love life somehow? Why, of course it could! I’m not getting any nookie these days and it’s making me pretty dang restless and ornery. Furthermore, Hayden’s a guy and guys think about S-E-X with a hot babe morning, noon, night, and every time in between, right? Why not kill two birds with one stone? I’m all for efficiency.

This is one way I could trump Blanche. Sure, she’s hot, according to some people. But I’m better than hot. As an older woman, I’ve got something to offer that she doesn’t… tons more experience. What my “experience” entails, exactly, must remain a mystery. Can’t give away the farm, now, can I?

Plus, I don’t need no blonde wig to make the boy giddy.

So, here’s my offer… if Hayden agrees to marry me, I will give him hot, drippin’ wild SEX every day during the first year of our marriage (Years 2, 3, 4, etc. are subject to negotiation). Talkin’ dirty to make him blush, black negligées, lacy corsets, stiletto heels, fishnet stockings, handcuffs, chocolate syrup… whatever his little heart desires. Nothing is too good for my guy. Talk about wedded bliss!

Yes, I realize he could snap his fingers and a gaggle of eager ladies would probably swoop in and do his bidding. But that’s not the point. No, the point is that I can proffer something beyond his wildest dreams. Stability. Stamina. STD-free whoopee.

So, Hayden darlin’, I surrender. To you, I will surrender. 365 days. a. year.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER CLAUSE: This “proposal” is for a Limited Time Only. He has until December 31 to make up his mind and collect on my bootylicious offer. After that, this Pussycat Doll will go poof, bye-bye, ridin’ off into that beaut of a sunset. Hayden, hon, mull it over and get back to me, ’kay? [11 July 2008]

Jumper spoof video

Skipper

Things have been hopping around here. I am in the midst of a renovation project. Well, someone else is doing the labor and paying for the work, but it’s still taking place at my domicile. My landlord finally bit the bullet and decided to replace my enclosed front porch with a more spacious version that will also give me a walk-in closet for my bedroom and a nook for my computer. To say I am excited would be an understatement. My bedroom, which currently doubles as an office, has a teeny-tiny closet, so we’re talking extremely cramped quarters. Just so you know, 150-year-old farmhouses generally do not come with closets and the previous owners added only three small ones. Geez, how did they cope? Obviously, their wardrobes were much smaller than moi’s.

The work began on my day off. After witnessing the initial demolition of the old porch, I left for the local cineplex to see WALL-E. Charming animated film whose main character is voiced by Star Wars sound designer Ben Burtt. Which reminds me… I saw a poster in the theatre for Star Wars: The Clone Wars, due out August 15. Now, don’t get too geeked. Hayden is not, I repeat, not voicing the Anakin character. Darn! It is pretty slick looking, though. Check it out.

Okay, I have to make a confession. I bought my own copy of Jumper last week. Couldn’t hold out any longer. I think this film was such a disappointment because I was a fan of the books. If you can pretend that the books never existed and take the film at face value, it is somewhat palatable. But just barely. It still has eye-rolling dialogue and thin character development. I understand that director Doug Liman planned a trilogy from the get-go, but I wish he had spent more time in the first installment establishing David as a guy we can embrace. Teenager Davy I liked. The twentysomething version was more cocky and blah. Yes, Hayden was blah. For whatever reason, he didn’t bring his “A” game to this film. He phoned it in. Hayden. Our Hayden. phoned. it. in. JMHO.

His worst lines in the film? When he tells Millie, “It was always you. Since we were five.” Or something like that. Blech! Made me want to retch. In fact, he looked like he had a tummy ache when he delivered it. How ironic, considering that Blanche is his main squeeze. Unfortunately, I think this scene revealed Hayden’s Achilles heel: he is such a private guy that he’s unable to display his most intimate feelings in front of an audience. If he can’t convince me that he loves Blanche, of all people, then he’s really lost me.

The other gut-wrenching part was in the special features, where author Steven Gould explains why he sold his soul (cha-ching!) to the Jumper producers, allowing their screenwriters to hack his novels into unrecognizable bits. Maybe that’s why I enjoyed this Jumper spoof video almost as much as the real thing. [03 July 2008]