The redhead snuggled beneath the covers, seeking an echo of vanished warmth, deciding to make the most of the opportunity. He had to admit, his youkai lover was more than accomodating when it really mattered. He couldn't begrudge the early morning disappearances.
Casting his thoughts lazily back to the previous night, he rolled onto his side and gathered an armful of blanket for something to hold. He wouldn't give up the nocturnal visitations for anything, but it was sheer torment to remain silent while Hiei had his delightfully wicked way with him. He understood the necessity; he definitely shouldn't disturb the rest of his family with his private affairs. He buried his face in the bundle of fabric that was a poor substitute for a yielding body. The bedroom walls were far too thin for comfort.
"We *have* to get our own apartment," he pointed out logically, his words muted by the rumpled quilt.
He relinquished the blanket and shifted position again, lying on his stomach, his head pillowed on his forearms. "After graduation," he amended. He couldn't support them both--or even himself--yet. Not as a high school student. That meant spending several more months this way, enjoying each other's company only in rare, carefully guarded moments.
"Mm, and I *do* enjoy your company," he assured the mental image of his soon-to-be lifemate. He stretched, fully aware, now, that he wouldn't be getting any more sleep. He stood, albeit grudgingly, and began folding his quilt for storage.
He paused before tucking it away in the closet, regarding the black silk with a wistful smile. "When we have our own place..." he said quietly.
He finished his morning routine and then set himself to the task of planning his wedding. He had already decided where he would hold it: his former retreat, the same clearing in which he and his fire demon had first shared the truth of their feelings. He would bend all his skill toward making it ready, enhancing its beauty until it properly reflected his inner joy.
He grew a single rose and twirled it between his fingers in contemplation. Flowers, yes, but something more, something to represent his other half. Outside his window the sun was well up, climbing toward the apex of its journey. Its rays shone in on him, pleasantly warming his skin. Their ceremony would not take place in such bold light, but in the dimness of evening, beneath the glimmering stars that had watched over them the first time they had slept together as lovers.
And to fill that darkness... Candles. Dozens of them, each flame a glowing reminder of Hiei's powerful spirit.
He stroked the soft petals against his cheek, his anticipation growing as he pictured the scene. He wondered if the fire demon had anything special in mind, or if he was going to forge through the ceremony with his typical blunt, straightforward efficiency. Kurama might have bet on the latter, except...the youkai seemed different somehow since accepting his proposal. More intense. More focused. More determined.
Determined to *what*?
He shook his head in consternation. First the little devil acted even more standoffish than usual, and then suddenly, as soon as the door closed, he became a creature of unrestrained passion. The youko certainly didn't object to the attention, and it was always a pleasure knowing that he was the only one to whom Hiei entrusted those personal, vulnerable moments; he just wished his lover would confide in him with words instead of keeping him guessing.
He sighed. He would simply have to bring the matter up himself at his next opportunity.
He ghosted his lips against the redhead's temple before closing his eyes and curling up. Now that he had made the necessary arrangements, all he had left to do was wait until the items for the ceremony were completed.
He roused at his usual hour and found one of Kurama's arms curved around him, not enough to restrict his movement but sufficient to prevent him from leaving without awakening its owner. He smirked at the gesture, even if it had been unconscious. After a moment's thought, he decided to play along. He laced his fingers through the longer slender ones draped over his ribs and tugged.
Kurama blinked his eyes open, then tightened his grip and rolled closer to tuck his face beneath the youkai's chin. He murmured a greeting, his actual words lost as they tickled against Hiei's neck.
The fire demon rumbled a nonverbal reply, content for the moment to lie in his lover's drowsy embrace. Finally the fox, having convinced himself that no one was going anywhere, propped himself up on his free elbow and smiled. "No pressing business this morning?" he asked teasingly.
"Hn." Hiei sat up, drawing his knees to his chest. There was no point in elaborating upon the blatantly obvious.
"I'm sorry I missed you coming in. We don't get enough time together."
That was true, but it couldn't be helped, not as long as Kurama insisted on living out this human charade. However, that was part of what he accepted when he agreed to bond himself to the youko. "You need your rest," he explained, shrugging.
"Oh?" The redhead leaned forward, amused, giving his hand a squeeze. "Am I saving up my stamina for anything in particular?"
Hiei snorted. He had never known such a single-minded creature.
"That's what I like about you: your sunny personality." Even in the dim room, the fox's eyes laughed. "So," he prompted, tilting his head to shake a stray lock of hair back into place, "what's the big, mysterious secret?"
The youkai frowned, puzzled. "What are you babbling about?"
"Whatever has you all hot and bothered." Kurama's voice took on coaxing tones. "I can tell there must be something; I know you too well to miss the change in your behavior. Don't you feel you can share? Or is there a reason you won't talk to me?"
Some emotions were too strong--or frightening--to put into words. The youko should understand that. "Just following your example," he tossed back, before realizing the full import of what he had said.
Silence reigned for a moment. Then, "What do you mean?"
Hiei disentangled his fingers and looked away. He hadn't wanted this to come up, now that the issue was behind him, but since it had...he might as well get it out in the open. "You keep your own secrets readily enough."
"When?" Kurama countered. "My whole life is yours for the asking. When have I held anything back?"
The fire demon clenched his hand into a helpless fist. "How long have you considered inviting me into this ceremony?"
"Long enough to be sure it's what I want."
"And all that time, you didn't mention it to me."
"No, but..." The redhead pushed himself into a sitting position, the sheets rustling against his pajamas. "I didn't think I should, not before I knew my own mind. I needed to be certain that it was the right course for us, that we were ready to make a permanent, binding commitment." He hesitated. "To be honest, I was afraid it was too soon for you to be comfortable enough to accept."
"I know." He glared up at the kitsune. "Now."
"Hiei? What's wrong?"
"I thought--" He bit off the end of the sentence. Once spoken, the words could never be taken back. Yet this had gone so far, he couldn't stop without clearly pushing the fox away. Damned by both options. "I thought you were tired of me."
"Where did you *ever* get an idea like that?"
"You said it yourself. Our relationship isn't enough for you."
"I didn't intend it that way, love, I..." He faltered in the face of the other's grim regard.
"I could tell that you weren't satisfied. I didn't know why. You weren't talking." The youkai lifted one shoulder in a half-shrug. "We all have secrets. Don't fool yourself by pretending otherwise."
"Hiei, I never..." The growing light of morning made his hair burn and his eyes shine. "You *know* I would never leave you like that. It's being separated from you that I can't endure." He hugged himself for the comfort that his lover wished he could give. "But you didn't know, did you? Even after everything, you didn't believe in me."
The fire demon covered the ache in his heart with a stony mask. He didn't need to make the situation worse than it had already become. "I didn't betray you."
"Maybe not," Kurama admitted, "but you doubted me. Perhaps I was wrong after all."
"Wrong about what?"
"About us. About being ready for this marriage."
The youkai surged to his feet, fury and terror battling his control. "Are you withdrawing your proposal?"
The kitsune bowed his head. "I just think we should reexamine our true feelings. How can you promise eternity to someone you don't trust?"
Hiei could hardly breathe, the pain of seeing his fox's disappointment was so great. There was nothing he could do, no action he could take that would set matters right again. He would challenge anything, go to any length to protect Kurama's happiness, but this time the threat didn't come from the outside. This time *he* had brought about his lover's sorrow. There was only one way to eliminate the cause.
And so he fled.
Kurama shook his head. How could his fire demon possibly believe that he had grown tired of him? All right, maybe he *did* have a point about Kurama keeping things from him, but the youko had to be *sure* that he truly wanted to bond with his lover. Hiei deserved nothing less than absolute commitment.
He sighed deeply as he walked over to his desk and looked at the books resting there, then turned away in frustration. He couldn't bring himself to sit down and calmly do his homework when Hiei was out there all alone. He scooped up his pillow and sat with his back resting against the headboard and hugged the pillow to himself. It was no substitute for the person that he longed to embrace, but it did fill his empty arms.
Kurama leaned his head back and closed his eyes in exhaustion. He was so tired. He found that he could no longer sleep very well when he knew for certain that the small demon wouldn't be joining him. His dreams were filled with images from their parting fight, and each morning that he woke and reached for Hiei to dispel the lingering fear, he faced the realization all over again that he had failed his fire demon.
It wasn't that he had *meant* to hide things from Hiei, and it had never been his intention to hurt him. He winced as he thought back to his last comment to Hiei before the fire demon had fled. How can you promise eternity to someone you don't trust? He had known immediately that Hiei would take the question the wrong way. *He* trusted Hiei, but he was no longer certain that the youkai trusted *him*.
He never dreamed that the smaller demon was still so vulnerable concerning their relationship. It had been almost a year since they had laid claim to each other. Hadn't he told Shiori about them? Hadn't he risked losing his human mother's love because Hiei believed that she should know everything about her son, including his demon nature?
Yet it wasn't enough. Nothing he did to prove his feelings for the youkai was enough to banish his remaining doubts. What could he possibly say to make Hiei finally understand that nothing was ever going to make Kurama stop loving him? Kurama drew up his knees and dropped his head to rest against the pillow. He realized now that Hiei was not going to come back. If Kurama wanted to salvage this relationship, he would have to go out and find him.
If he *wanted* to?!
Could he stand waking up every morning having lost another small piece of his soul within his tormented dreams? *Want* had nothing to do with it. It was what Kurama *had* to do!
But where would he have gone? With Yukina spending more and more time in Kuwabara's presence, he doubted that Hiei would have gone there. He immediately dismissed the possibility that the small youkai would have gone to see Yuusuke. Hiei was a solitary type of personality, and he couldn't picture him going to be with other people no matter how hurt he might be. That left...where?
Kurama turned his head and let his gaze wander around his room. Through the open door of his closet, he noticed the quilt that Nuriko had given him folded neatly on a shelf. That quilt represented some of his happiest memories, and his thoughts turned helplessly to that long ago night when Hiei had delighted him by confessing his feelings in the wooded area of his old retreat.
It had been the first time they had made love. The first time in so very long that Kurama had felt complete. He felt his eyes burn and his throat constrict with repressed tears. Hiei, that night meant everything to me. And now, after experiencing so much joy with you, I want to share the secrets of my soul, but I don't know where you *are*! A solitary tear slid down Kurama's cheek, and he buried his face in the pillow, preventing more from following. More than anything, he wanted to return to that one night. He still remembered how happy and safe he had felt in that clearing...
Kurama froze. Suddenly he knew where Hiei was. Bakayarou! he cursed himself. Sometimes he could be so *slow*! If Hiei was hurt or was looking for somewhere to think about things, then that was the one place that Kurama could bet on finding him.
The youko stood up as certainty filled him. That *had* to be where Hiei had fled. Maybe he didn't know the words to convince Hiei, and perhaps there were none, but if he *was* to lose Hiei, then he wanted to gaze once more into those beautiful crimson eyes and tell him the one thing that Kurama knew with absolute certainty, Ai shiteru, Hiei...ai shiteru.
He knew that Hiei must have sensed him as well, but was choosing to remain silent and watchful, leaving the first move up to Kurama. Well, you always *did* say that I talked too much. I hope I can convince you to give us another chance. The rueful thought helped boost his sagging confidence, and the youko took a deep breath. In a sense, this was the most important battle he had ever fought. And no sweeter prize existed.
Kurama walked slowly to the center of the clearing and knelt there, hoping that his submissive posture would subconsciously affect Hiei. He wasn't admitting defeat to the fire demon, because that wasn't what either of them wanted, but instead he was hoping to prove that he could bend whenever their relationship tested their individual wills. He just hoped that Hiei was willing to compromise as well by accepting his gesture.
"Hiei, I know that you're here, and I know you can hear me." Kurama licked dry lips as he thought about what he should say and noticed that the night seemed unusually quiet, as if the nocturnal creatures were aware of the events unfolding and were curious to see what might happen. Not knowing exactly where Hiei was, the youko tilted his head back and addressed the stars.
"I've thought about what I should say to you to help you finally understand that I'll never leave you, but I don't think there are any words to convince you." He heard a rustling in one of the trees to his right and turned to pitch his voice in that direction. "You know I've lived a long time, Hiei. I've spent most of that time as a thief, and I made sure that I was one of the best." A proud smile curved his lips, "Perhaps for a time I *was* the best, but I'm not that thief anymore. That existence seems centuries ago, and it no longer appeals to me."
The smile disappeared. "Do you know what I stole?" He paused for a moment, then continued, "Jewels mostly, outrageously expensive and rare, and do you know something, Hiei? They meant nothing to me. They were just ways to prove that there was *nothing* I coudn't take if I wanted it. It wasn't until I became human that I realized how empty that life was." Kurama dropped his head forward, allowing his hair to slide and obscure his face. Now for the hard part.
"Hiei," his voice was much lower, and he knew it would force the fire demon to join him in the clearing in order to hear him. "You know that I've had lovers in the past. I'd like to say that they were all just like me and content to love for the moment...but that would be a lie." He could feel Hiei's youki more strongly and pictured him standing just a few feet away. So close...
"There were times that I set out to seduce another, not because I thought we might bond together, but because of the challenge. Then, when the novelty wore off, I moved on to someone new. It never occurred to me to wonder if I'd hurt my former lovers." Kurama swallowed painfully past the lump in his throat as he forced himself to continue. "The reason I'm telling you this, Hiei, is because I need you to understand just how important our relationship has been to me."
He paused again and smiled ruefully, "Do you know that our friends seem to think that I'm the kind and gentle one? They never look beyond your cold, prickly exterior to the warmth within. I first learned about love through my mother, but if it hadn't been for you, I never would have learned about the kind of love that friends can bring each other. Even before we became lovers, I had become dependant on your company to help me choose between the selfish impulses of my youko nature and my instincts as a human.
"I can't do this alone. I've finally found someone I want to pledge my life to protect, someone to grow old with me. I can't learn what it means to love another with my whole being and then lose him. I'm not that strong, Hiei. I feel as though every moment that we're apart is one more layer of ice that wraps around my heart." Kurama placed one hand on the ground for balance as his body shuddered with repressed emotion. "I'm so cold, Hiei," his choked voice was barely audible, "if you leave me now, there will be nothing left."
He waited for what seemed like an eternity until strong arms wrapped around him and he was cuddled in a protective embrace. Warm energy surrounded him, along with something more, something he was almost afraid to identify. "Stupid fox," Hiei murmured into his hair. Kurama wound his arms tightly around the fire demon and rested his face against the muscular chest. "I made a promise to you here almost a year ago, and I intend to keep it."
Hiei pulled back from the embrace and used his hand to tip Kurama's chin up. He solemnly gazed into the green eyes for a minute, then leaned down to feather a kiss against the redhead's lips. "Besides," he continued, "we wouldn't want all that stamina you've been saving to go to waste." He watched as his lover's eyes widened and filled with laughter.
"Hai, Hiei-sama," Kurama promised as he tugged on Hiei's jacket and brought him down for a more satisfying kiss. Ah, Hiei...what you do to me.