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by **Squid** » Thu Nov 20, 2008 4:46 pm

Just finished reading this.

I don't know who all did what but Good job to everybody. I liked every bit of it and I'm looking forward to the finished product.

Great Artwork. Very skillfully done, I'm sure it took a long time to do but I'm not a fan of the Ape look. Still a great picture though.

Great Story. Good imagery, and its easy to read. It would have been nice to have there be a happy ending. Its important for the heroes, after they have seen horrible things, to get a happy ending.

I like the changes to the Balor, and I find the Asakku interesting and new.

I wouldn't change a thing.

5/5

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by **Luz** » Sat Nov 22, 2008 10:35 pm

I've so far read about the balor and thought it was really well done. The added melee muscle finally makes the balor a real physical threat, which is something I thought it was lacking before (for its CR). The gore attack in particular is a nice touch. Beefing up the spell-like abilities was also good.

Great picture, love the pen and ink work. Kind of reminds me of Tim Vigil's style.

If someone wouldn't mind bringing me up to speed, why does it get ten feats now instead of seven?

by **Kain Darkwind** » Sat Nov 22, 2008 10:43 pm

Luz wrote:I've so far read about the balor and thought it was really well done. The added melee muscle finally makes the balor a real physical threat, which is something I thought it was lacking before (for its CR). The gore attack in particular is a nice touch. Beefing up the spell-like abilities was also good.

Great picture, love the pen and ink work. Kind of reminds me of Tim Vigil's style.

If someone wouldn't mind bringing me up to speed, why does it get ten feats now instead of seven?

Pathfinder gives feats every odd level rather than first and every third level.

by **Luz** » Sat Nov 22, 2008 11:12 pm

Kain Darkwind wrote:
Luz wrote:If someone wouldn't mind bringing me up to speed, why does it get ten feats now instead of seven?

Pathfinder gives feats every odd level rather than first and every third level.

Thanks, really gotta get myself a copy of Pathfinder...

by **Glabrezubane** » Sat Nov 22, 2008 11:14 pm

Luz wrote:
Kain Darkwind wrote:Thanks, really gotta get myself a copy of Pathfinder...

Given the Beta is free, and the product is, in my opinion, pretty high quality stuff? Yeah, definitely.

by **Luz** » Sun Nov 23, 2008 2:22 am

Glabrezubane wrote:
Luz wrote:
Kain Darkwind wrote:Thanks, really gotta get myself a copy of Pathfinder...

Given the Beta is free, and the product is, in my opinion, pretty high quality stuff? Yeah, definitely.

My thanks, Glabrezubane, I had only seen the printed copy and didn't know it was a free download. Check one PF Beta.

by **Crazy Art** » Wed Dec 03, 2008 6:03 pm

The pictures are awesome. WHo did them? The mountain demon is freaking great!

I also liked the Balor's story. I'm reading the Asakku's, now.

by **The Serge** » Wed Dec 03, 2008 7:58 pm

Crazy Art wrote:The pictures are awesome. WHo did them? The mountain demon is freaking great!

For some reason, our resident artist wishes to remain nameless...

I also liked the Balor's story. I'm reading the Asakku's, now.

Thanks on the balor "story." It's intended to be a scholarly treatise rather than a story and I hope we got that right.

You will LOVE the asakku story. The gents that wrote it did a great job.

by **Crazy Art** » Wed Dec 03, 2008 10:11 pm

The Serge wrote:
Crazy Art wrote:The pictures are awesome. WHo did them? The mountain demon is freaking great!

For some reason, our resident artist wishes to remain nameless...

That's weird. Will you do some of the drawing? Or fafnir300? You guys rock too.

I also liked the Balor's story. I'm reading the Asakku's, now.

Thanks on the balor "story." It's intended to be a scholarly treatise rather than a story and I hope we got that right.

You will LOVE the asakku story. The gents that wrote it did a great job.

I was just lazy to use a proper expression. I get that its a treatise on balors. They don't exist anyway, so its sort of a story

by **Palindrome** » Wed Dec 03, 2008 10:20 pm

Crazy Art wrote:
The Serge wrote:
Crazy Art wrote:The pictures are awesome. WHo did them? The mountain demon is freaking great!

For some reason, our resident artist wishes to remain nameless...

That's weird. Will you do some of the drawing? Or fafnir300? You guys rock too.

All will be revealed...

by **Kain Darkwind** » Wed Dec 03, 2008 10:26 pm

The Serge wrote:For some reason, our resident artist wishes to remain nameless...

On the plus side, the artist can't say much when I talk about the artist's mother in a derogatory fashion on this thread. Or call the artist a punk. Even the slightest response towards my antics here might tip off others as to who the artist really is.

Mmm.....Mommy.....your child is a chump...

by **The Serge** » Wed Dec 03, 2008 11:21 pm

Crazy Art wrote:That's weird. Will you do some of the drawing? Or fafnir300? You guys rock too.

I may be doing some art... Not sure yet. Palindrome wants to keep the art on the backburner for the time being, but I do think there will be at least two, possibly three, different artists involved.

I was just lazy to use a proper expression. I get that its a treatise on balors. They don't exist anyway, so its sort of a story

Oh, I wasn't criticizing you. I just know that some folks regard it as something other than a traditional story and I wanted to make it clear that this was the intent. Still, and again, thanks!

by **Crazy Art** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 9:07 am

I am very curious about the Demon Wars. Where can I read about it?

by **The Serge** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 11:51 am

Here's a quick blurb on the Demon Wars:

Demon Wars: This devastating conflict lasted just over fifteen years, beginning in the spring of 265 ADR. Tricked by T’Oth Maldran, the wizard-king of the Kingdoms of T’Alimar Uriyens the Green cast a powerful spell designed to give everlasting life to the Eternal Forest and its inhabitants. Instead, the spell opened a portal to the Depths Below. The spell ripped the fabric of reality, allowing hordes of fiends to swarm into Drm. Accompanying them were six evil Aldra, Cabernasus, Lestonises, Malvolans, Masteronus, Ostensis, and Terranolyn and a number of cosmic daemons, demons, and devils. The spell destroyed much of the southern Eternal Forest as well as the ancient elven home, T’Alimar. Holistically referred to as “demon princes” by the people of Drm, the evil Aldra and their servants wreaked havoc as they established rulership across the continent-realm. Six locations were dominated: Quasii for Cabernasus, Mandl for Lestonises, Vhendimmoth for Malvolans, Duroc for Masteronus, Yahilli for Ostensis, and the Agrabathor Jungle for Terranolyn. The priesthoods, with the powerful backing of their gods quickly took control of these lands, turning them into bloody cesspools of madness and despair. Almost immediately, the priesthoods engaged in outright combat with each other. However, through unknown means, T’Oth Maldran gained power from the deaths of the gods’ servants, allowing him to become a very powerful lich. Directed by the gods Celzar and Nemaria, heroes known as the Seekers of Righteousness were called to stop the fiends who were eventually unified under T’Oth Maldran. While the War took a more organized turn, the Seekers of Righteousness sought the Sword of Alleris, Edifier. They determined that T’Oth Maldran was behind the entire affair and destroyed his mortal form, scattering his sentience across Drm for a time. Then, they tricked the evil Aldra, who were once again free to do as they pleased, into battling at the Temple of Winds in Quasii where Edifier banished them to their realms. Although the Demon Wars were ended, years of chaos reigned over Drm.

by **Dialexis** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 3:17 pm

Cool info, Serge.

Q: how did a mortal -even as a lich- manage to control 6 gods? I mean, some of them are like intermediate and perhaps even greater gods. Even backed by Dauth Alman, that still seems strange for one man to control six gods to that extent. Were they seriously weakened from being in Drm (ala Pact of Dominance small print like the Time of Troubles), or was he using the Spheres, or some combination of the two -or three, including the Adversary's help?

by **The Serge** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 4:46 pm

Dialexis wrote:Cool info, Serge.

Q: how did a mortal -even as a lich- manage to control 6 gods? I mean, some of them are like intermediate and perhaps even greater gods. Even backed by Dauth Alman, that still seems strange for one man to control six gods to that extent. Were they seriously weakened from being in Drm (ala Pact of Dominance small print like the Time of Troubles), or was he using the Spheres, or some combination of the two -or three, including the Adversary's help?

The accepted history is that Dauth Alman gave T'Oth Maldran knowledge that allowed him to control the "demons" that were summoned into Drm in part due to their weakness. While some scholars believe this knowledge was in the form of arcane secrets, others believe it may well have been one of the Seven Spheres, although why Dauth Alman would give Maldran -- who proved himself a traitor once already (and would prove it again when he left Branedeth Horde) -- has not been answered well by anyone. A more recent suggestion is that Maldran, through a mirror of the planes, actually stripped some of Dauth Alman's divine power, enough to enhance an epic spell that he would have cast moments after Uriyens' Summons, that granted him dominance over the weakened gods tied to Drm. This would explain why Maldran didn't have control over Orcus, Demogorgon, Caacrinolaas, or aother fiends during the Demon Wars.

In short, no one know except Maldran (who's worse than dead), Dauth Alman (who's notorious for not talking), and the various "demons" (some of whom are dead while the remaining are likewise not talking).

by **Selah** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 4:53 pm

Curiously, across the world in Oriund, Emperi and Visaous are both founded at about the same time as this event in Drm. Perhaps other things were at play, which gave T'Oth Maldran access to additional power sources for a time?

(Not a question for Serge. Just tossing something else out.)

by **Dialexis** » Mon Mar 30, 2009 5:53 pm

Ok, thought I'd share with the community; it's a bit of fiction that was written about the same time as the longer Asakku story. This one is shorter and is a sort of 'prologue' if you will. Enjoy?

Inside, Lyssa was laughing.

Hiding within a tangled grove of spoiling apple trees, Lyssa struggled to keep the laughter from escaping. It had been too easy, too simple. Much like crushing a garden blossom that took months of toil to cultivate, destroying a man’s reputation was all but effortless. Like the blossom, she could seize it, clutch it –and if she willed it- crush it in an instant, an entire lifetime of honest work ruined. All it took was one little lie, one small deception to forever stain a man’s station in society. Even to a girl of Lyssa’s age, it was mere child’s play –wicked though it was.

Unable to hold in her deviant mirth, a sibilant giggle hissed from Lyssa’s lips. Clamping her hand upon her mouth to keep any further sounds from slipping, Lyssa peered from her secret thicket, spying upon a weathered tool shed and its resident groundskeeper. Her vixen-eyes piercing through the thorny screen of a wilting rose-bush, Lyssa regarded the simple man with impish delight, cackling inwardly at the man’s ignorance of his impending doom.

The poor fool, like usual, was clueless to her machinations. Though many years Lyssa’s elder, Merrec possessed a child-like naivety. Without guile, he was far too trusting. Unlike the pampered daughter of his master, Merrec worked hard and asked for little besides an honest wage.

Like maggots to meat, perhaps it was this very innocence which drew Lyssa’s ire. While Merrec had never been anything but upright and respectful to the young girl, Lyssa went out of her way to torment the man. Although such abuse initially began with small pranks, such as hiding his spades and hammers or trampling his tomato plants, Lyssa’s acts of sabotage and slander quickly escalated.

Yet, despite her mean-spirited mischief, the spoiled spawn of House Makell was ever careful to maintain a mask of innocence in front of her parents. Pampered to excess, Lyssa had insidiously wrapped her tiny fingers around her parents. With a pout, she could earn any privilege, and with but the threat of tears, she could escape any punishment, regardless of guilt. In the deluded eyes of her parents, Lyssa was beyond reproach. Like a perverse puppeteer, Lyssa pulled the strings, causing both family and the house-servants to dance to her sadistic song. Shirking suspicion, Lyssa insidiously turned her parents against each of the household staff.

All that is, except Merrec.

Thus far, the groundskeeper’s integrity had proved impervious to implication. Even when Lyssa had planted her mother’s pearl necklace in the man’s tool box, Merrec escaped blame by promptly returning the missing jewelry. Infuriated at the trust her parents continued to place in the groundskeeper, the malicious girl decided she would no longer be satisfied with mere dismissal; she wanted blood. And so, Lyssa concocted her vile plot.

A stained night-gown, sprinkled with her favorite perfume, had been planted in the old tool shed. Waiting for dusk, Lyssa had snuck past the latest brood of paranoid, bumbling maids and had hid in the gardens outside the manor proper. Secreted away behind her screen of thorns, Lyssa slinked off her day-dress like a snake shedding its scales. Lyssa winced at the chill caress of the evening air upon her powdered skin. Anticipation flushing her naked flesh a bright pink, Lyssa peered once more at her prey. Her lips split into an evil snicker as she watched the unsuspecting man enter the shed. Once more, Lyssa contemplated the fragility of trust as she absent-mindedly crushed an annoying mosquito upon her shoulder. Its sanguine splatter leaving an unsightly stain against her skin, Lyssa moved as if to wipe away the stain, but stopped.

'Good,' she thought, 'blood will make the lie all the more damning.' She had already considered cutting herself, but had decided against it. Self-inflicted scrapes would suffice. While she did not look forward to the pain, she was willing to pay the price. Her pain would pass quickly; Merrec’s ‘guilt’ would hound him to his grave. 'Besides,' she mused darkly, 'the pricks will make it all the easier to cry when I tell daddy and mommy how the cruel man touched me and hurt me…'

Another snicker slid from her mouth. However, Lyssa stopped cold when she heard an echo of laughter from behind the tangled apple trees. Thinking a wretched maid’s whelp had followed her, she crooned her ear only to hear nothing –nothing, save for the bumbling clatter of Merrec in his shed. Shaking her pale-blond hair, Lyssa cursed herself for becoming unnerved. 'Just the wind,' she thought silently, 'just the wind.'

Returning her attention to her sinful scheme, Lyssa winced as she snapped off a thorny branch from the old rose bush. Its sting sobering her sadistic glee, Lyssa drew the sharp pricks against her naked skin, causing crimson streaks to rise from her vulnerable, tender flesh. Hissing from the pain, Lyssa nearly jolted from her hiding place as second hiss broke the silence. Once more, the noise leaked from behind the dark cross of trees. Fresh fear began to slither in the young girl's heart. Momentarily frozen between fleeing from thicket or creeping towards the sound, Lyssa’s curiosity warred with her dread.

However, before she could decide, silence once again filled the shaded grove. Once more, Lyssa attempted to dismiss her fears. “Probably just a garden snake searching for an evening meal,” she whispered. Yet, in spite of her words, the fear remained. A layer of sweat mingling with the fresh blood of her scratches, Lyssa hesitated to turn her back on the darkness of the trees. After a long moment of indecision, malice ended the debate. Blaming her creeping dread on the guiltless groundskeeper, Lyssa started to rise. Venom dripping from her voice, Lyssa spurned the silence, hissing words of hate at the unseen man:

“I hate you, Merrec. I hope you suffer. I hope you know that I caused your suffering. Why, you ask? Why do I make you suffer? Because I can, Merrec. Because I want you to –and you’ll do what I want you to. And I want you to suffer. Suffer for me, Merrec. Suffer.”

Even as the evil words flowed from her lips, stark images flooded Lyssa’s mind –horrible, vile, dirty images. In her mind’s eye, she could see herself binding the man with thorns. She saw herself touching him, kissing him, only to viciously bite off his tongue. She tasted his blood. She enjoyed it. She gouged out his eyes with naught but her painted nails. She imagined the warm spray of crimson. She licked her fingers clean. She-

She screamed. Shaking her head as if trying to physically expel the torrent of terrible thoughts, Lyssa stumbled upon the ground, painfully brushing against the blossomless bush of thorns. Sweat and blood pouring from her skin, the dazed child gingerly attempted to rise. To her horror, something slithered from the darkness between the trees.

In the dying evening light, it resembled a snake made of shadow. Spine-studded coils glided silently upon the grass. Unblinking, pallid eyes the color of urine gazed at her with insatiable hunger and malice. Its face a frightening blend of serpentine and feline features, the monster unhinged its jaws, exposing rows of fetid fangs.

Her throat clenching with unspeakable terror, the naked child attempted to scream, but to no avail. Only a rasping hiss issued from her lips. The glowing eyes stealing her gaze, Lyssa’s mind once more reeled as her thoughts were invaded with horrific scenes, the scent of smoke, and the blinding image of her home on fire. Struggling to breathe as the very air seemed to burn her lungs, the terrified child turned to run.

Her escape was ruined. Her unshod foot slipped on a spoiled apple whose over-ripened weight had caused it to fall from the branch above. Lyssa slammed into the ground. The coppery taste of her own blood filled her mouth. She attempted to scream, but the blood just caused a pitiful gurgle to emerge. Primal panic overtaking her, she attempted to claw her way through the thorns.

But something grabbed her. As cold as death itself, some invisible force paralyzed her. Her flesh frozen, Lyssa could only stare with unblinking eyes as the fiendish being slithered to her side, all the while staring at her with undisguised contempt and lust. Once more, she tried to scream, but her lips would not obey.

A terrible caress touched her naked leg. Slithering up her inner thigh, the serpentine being hissed with hunger. She could hear its forked tongue testing the air, tasting her terror.

And then pain.

Unable to tilt her head to look down, she could only feel its intrusion. It plunged into her. Pain. Searing, soul-shattering pain. Yet, no scream escaped her lips. Only in her mind could she express her rage, her agony, her terror. But her mind was not safe. It was there. She could feel it. Somehow by entering her body, it had entered her mind, consumed it. She was violated, both soul and skin. She tried to weep, but even tears had been denied to her by her tormentor. All around her –inside her- she could feel it slithering. More images burned into her brain. Mentally, she screamed.

It listened –and it laughed.

Wild, manic laughter seeped from her throat, perverting the air with its demented cacophony. She could hear it. Down in the abyss of her soul, she could hear the laughter. Though it had issued from her own lips, Lyssa was forced to listen in mute agony. To her horror, the voice –her voice- sounded distorted and distant as if echoing from some dark, fetid well. Still, the laughter continued. As if feeding from her distress, the laughter grew.

Hearing the frenetic sound, Merrec hastily emerged from his shed and headed to the shadow-strewn garden. Through eyes and ears no longer her own, Lyssa could sense the gardener’s approach. Dimly, Lyssa could hear him calling out for her. With naught but Lyssa’s demonic induced cackle as a reply, worry and fear filled the groundskeeper. Like an animal instinctively shying away from a diseased carcass, Merrec halted. Unnamed horror filled his heart at the sound of the unnatural laugh. He fled. Disappearing into the night, Lyssa’s only hope vanished.

Lyssa tried to cry, tried to yell for help, but her panicked attempts were in vain. She was shackled to skin that no longer obeyed her will. All she could do was listen –listen to the sound of demonic cackling. The sound of it haunted her. The truth of it tore at her sanity: the laughter was not her own. While the noise may have been issuing from her body, Lyssa was not laughing.

Inside, Lyssa was screaming.

by **KingCrazyGenius** » Wed Apr 01, 2009 1:40 pm

I dunno. Seems you enjoyed describing it all a little too much.

by **Dialexis** » Wed Apr 01, 2009 6:34 pm

KingCrazyGenius wrote:I dunno. Seems you enjoyed describing it all a little too much.

Dunno know if you mean that I enjoy using descriptive language when writing fiction or if I enjoyed the horrible events of the short story. If the former, unapologetically yes, if the latter, absolutely not. Just like the story detailing the priest's death, Lyssa and her mother's death, and the intimated possession of Merrec, I don't enjoy the 'bad things' that happen(ed) in either of the stories I wrote. Similar to my style as a DM, I want the good guys to win, not the bad guys.

Website · by **MythMage** » Sat Oct 17, 2009 7:49 pm

Since I didn't do it earlier, I thought I'd critique the Asakku story. It's pretty engrossing.

Things to improve:

The whole thing feels like it should be about one-third shorter. In particular, there are repetitive or outright redundant sentences at least once per paragraph, and quite a few more such words and phrases ("so many other innumerable injustices", "sickly shade of yellow reminiscent of urine and pus"); while useful when applied sparingly for emphasis or some other effect, they really slow things down when they show up this often. In particular, it muddles and weakens what is otherwise a really awesome possession scene.
You know how one is supposed to "show, don't tell"? You're good at showing, but you drag things out by telling as well. For example, I don't need to be told Elleren's conscience stopped him "in hopes of helping a wayward soul"; that's obvious from how he speaks to Merrec in the very next sentence.
Editing errors: typo of "starring" for "staring", missing a word in "Literally throwing himself away the unblinking gaze".
You could stand to use pronouns more often instead of nouns like "the man" or "the priest".
Some bad uses of alliteration ("punctuate the proffered pact" sounds goofy and doesn't evoke an appropriate feeling for me).
Minor logic thing: Why are there blossoms on the apple trees in autumn?

Things you should keep doing right:

Interesting (that is, good) diction.
The better of your repetitive/redundant text is by and large easily strong enough to be left alone, the superfluous text simply deleted.
Fine imagery throughout. The garden was a particularly nice touch.
Excellent action (aside from the thing I mentioned above).
Some good uses of alliteration ("slowly stripping her of her sanity" evokes inhuman, manipulative evil).

Is it really accurate to say that the majority of the consequences of fear and mistrust between mortals is "spawned by demented minds and demonic flesh"?

The descriptive text is good but not exceptional. The rules text is long and decidedly too complicated, but very interesting and definitely a foe I'd like to run in a game.

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