Getting away from the guards still wasn't easy even once Tevis came back.  I have a certain political utility in the games of empires (seems strange to use that term when there are at most three of them and can't be more).  I've also figured out that my Father would dislike it excessively if something nasty happened to me.  I haven't exactly figured out why Merlin's wishes weigh so heavily with so many people around here.
     Anyway, I needed space to figure out some things that I'd sort of, well, picked up from Merlin's mind.  "Picked up" in this case does not imply learned exactly, more like contracting a disease.  I'd gone deeply into his shape shifting below the levels of what he consciously knows, and some of it ended up stuck in my head along with all the other pieces floating around.  Since this is actually useful, I spent some time thinking about it.  There are changes in me and in how I will react to certain stimuli.  I don't know what all of them are.
     I avoided bringing this subject up in my conversations with Merlin because I realized that I was viewing the whole thing as more mental contamination.  Until I got that under control...  For some reason, my Father's feeling matter to me.  That is a new thing for me, at least as Cordelia.  I remember what love is like, but this is different.  He's offered me his love and support without judgment.  Mama did that, but I was a child then and had very little about me to be judged by.  Now I'm a complicated tangle of an adult.
     If I can, I will not harm that relationship.
     Funny how I can talk to Tevis about the things I can't bring up with Merlin and the other way around.  He has some ideas of what shapeshifters can do based on his time on the Wall.  Neither of us even considered asking Fayne.  I don't know if Tevis' reasoning was the same as mine.  I want something I can do that Fayne doesn't know about.  I think Tevis just may want to help me with something that Fayne isn't in on.
     We finally just walked out.  I hadn't really been outside the city.  I have enough trouble just walking around the city without getting lost.  I haven't craved more wilderness time.  I've been to the ruins and to the Tir.  Going up the mountain didn't seem likely to give us privacy.
     Tevis' knowledge of the area was a bit better than my own even if he hadn't actually seen all of the areas in question.  He aimed us for some woods not too far away.  I asked him to try to lose anyone following us.  Sure enough, there was somebody.  I don't know if we actually lost them, but we ducked around an awful lot.  I don't think Tevis was completely satisfied.  I don't think he's ever satisfied about things like that until later events show his success or failure.
     We'd considered trying to Trump to somewhere in his home shadow, but Tevis wasn't sure what the place was like these days.  Besides, the risk of his being recognized seemed too high to me.  It was bad enough bringing him to Amber and letting him go with me to the Wall.  Okay, so I do care.  Maybe Father's right.
     The privacy was necessary because I knew that what I was going to change into would be frightening to someone not used to it.  I wasn't sure what I was going to turn into.  There was something coming up out of my mind and wanting to reshape my body.  It was giving me nightmares almost as it found its way into my consciousness.  I was trying to wrap my mind around the idea that shapeshifting could include truly non-human forms.  I could have done it in our rooms, but I didn't want to scare the kids.
     The shift the first time hurt a lot.  I never changed that way before.  Suddenly, extra limbs, everything in utterly the wrong place.  I couldn't hold the form for long the first time; it was too alien.  That required several attempts.
     Tevis stood firm and watched the whole time.
     I had to learn to use the abilities of my new form.  Flight.  Flame.  Web spinning and climbing.  Tevis supervised and suggested moves.  He managed not to show any revulsion at my appearance.  I found it interesting that I could tell what the body's hidden abilities were.  I just knew.  I'd always been aware of every bit of my body, but that was a body that functioned the same way for years.  Even becoming human hadn't been such a change; that time, all the internal organs stayed in the same place.
     It took a long time and a lot of food, but I think I mastered the form.  I believe that I can use it at least as well as I can use my humanoid forms.  That may not be much compared to most people, but this form has extra abilities, and I can use them.  I think the key is not letting anyone know about it in advance.
     I couldn't do anything about people who might try to follow me, but I did cover as best I could for those who might seek me in my rooms.  Having servants is a wonderful thing, especially if they're willing to talk to you or, even more, lie for you.  Ruth's Thari still isn't the best, but she's learned a lot.  She's even got her own young man now.  She regards me with a strange mixture of familiarity and awe.  I am obviously powerful here, as she measures things, but I was once less than she.  We both know drudgery.  We both know the dangers of a wealthy man's lust.  She was servant not slave and theoretically free, but we come from the same view of the world, the same Evara.  Not Russell's Evara, not even Rebecca's.  I think Ruth's even thankful for being kidnapped.  The modern conveniences that made work easier don't exist here, but she's got higher status, and I will hurt anyone who abuses her.  If I can't do it myself, I'll find a way to get someone else to do it for us.
     Anyway, I think Ruth hopes for some sort of romance between myself and Tevis.  I let her think that we were planning to sneak out in order to get some privacy some place where neither the kids nor my father would find me.  (I had to come up with some reason why the gardens weren't good enough.  Merlin as ogre would only work on an Evaran.)  She promised to swear to anyone who came looking that I'd gone into town.  I had, so that much wasn't a lie.  All I asked her to do was to give the impression that I'd been planning to shop for gifts.  I needed her help to put together the food Tevis and I took with us.  She thought she was preparing meals for a prolonged tryst, I'm sure.  I sketched her, and we called whenever we were running out of food.
     When Tevis and I got back to the castle, I wasn't particularly surprised to find a polite note from Sarah (Am I supposed to call her Aunt?) asking me to stop by when it was convenient.  It was late, so I just sent a message to her office saying that I'd be available the next day at her convenience.  I didn't figure that it was worth waking her over.
     She apparently didn't think it was that important either because she waited until after my combat lesson with Fayne to summon me.  She was actually eating lunch when we got there.
     She looked me up and down then gestured me to a seat.  She let Tevis stand.
     "You don't seem any the worse for the wear," she observed.  She took a bite of her sandwich before going on.  "My people are there to look after you, Cordelia."
     "I wanted some privacy for a little while."
     She arched an eyebrow (I wish I could do that).  "It's not that hard to come by."
     I raised both of my brows and shrugged a little.  "I live with two teenagers, and my father's keeping a close eye on me."
     "Not that close an eye, but the teenagers I will grant you."
     "I'm sorry to have caused you trouble, but I had something I needed to do."
     "Please.  You're not sorry in the least.  I just ask that you not do it again."
     "No promises.  I can't.  I won't do it without thinking, but I can't say I won't do it again."
     "Okay, I'll give you honesty."  She took another bite of her sandwich.  "Fine.  Go away.  Just don't get yourself killed or kidnapped.  Even the idea makes Merlin miserable."
     I stood up and turned to go.  But I couldn't just leave it there, so I turned back.  "Don't think that I haven't thought about that," I told her softly.  "I'm not stupid, and I do care.  I may not be used to all of this Amber and Chaos and such, but I've spent a long time working on surviving."  I met her eyes directly.  "Now I've just got other reasons for doing it."
     As we walked down the corridor, Tevis asked quietly, "Was that wise?"
     "Maybe not wise.  Necessary, but maybe not wise."
     I didn't even want to go into all of the ways that it wasn't wise.

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