Well, my first child was a sweetie.
The first word she said was “please,”
And I told all of my friends
“Hey now, this parent gig's a breeze.”
So then I rolled over and said to my honey,
“Would you like to try for two?”
And that's why I stand here with the
Second child blues.

I knew things would be different
On the day that he was born
When he checked in at eleven pounds
And got bigger every morn
At eight weeks he started to arm wrestle me for breakfast.
At ten I started to lose.
Now I eat Egg McMuffin with the
Second child blues.

I asked him “Tell me why
Did you hit your sister with a bat?”
He said “'Cause Beavis told me so
Heh, heh, heh!”
So this is where Butthead lives. Wonderful.
Now we watch `Nick at Night' and sing the
Second child blues.

He says “Dad, come here. I need you.”
I say “Son, can't you say please?”
Then he grabs me with a wet hand and says
“But Daddy, I just sneezed.”
And I say “Thank you son, I just noticed.”
He says “You're welcome!” What can I do?
Except stand there politely with the
Second child blues.

But my friends I must admit
Sometimes he's really not so bad.
Like when he climbs up on my lap
And tells me “You're my favorite Dad.”
Then he gives me hugs and kisses
And snuggles down real smooth.
And right then it's all worth it for the
Second child blues.

A standard 12-bar blues, written about my son Rob when he was only four (in 1988). He loved the song for years, which lead us to think he wasn't listening to the words. Now that he's old enough for kids of his own, he has no comment.

The third verse was updated a few years after the song was written. The original was

I asked him “Tell me why
Did you hit your sister with a bat?”
He said “'Cause I am Mighty Mouse,
And she's an Evil Cat!”
And I say “Thanks a lot, Ralph Bakshi,
I guess it's time to sell the tube.”
So we watched PeeWee Herman with the
Second child blues.