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Me taking an X-treme foto Me attempting a no-look, over-the-shoulder, spin-shot...there's no way this foto could turn out...is there?...X-TREME! A typical photo of Yosemite Valley that Stephen Hawking could have taken from his wheelchair. An X-treme foto of Yosemite Valley. My inspiration. X-treme Fotographi Many of you have probably noticed my recent obsession with taking pictures. More likely, though, you haven't noticed anything, you just stumbled onto this page because it came up in your Google search for "extreme goat herding" (which is also discussed at length on this site, I do everything EXTREME!)...but trust me, what I am about to tell you is almost as interesting. Well, not really, but since you are here, let me tell you about a new form of photography I am pioneering. It came to me while I was slamming Dew and munching on Extreme Doritos. I call it X-treme Fotographi and it throws conventional photography techniques out the window, pumps up the volume, and blasts you with a thrilling synergy of mind blowing action and personal expression. If you go to most photography sites you will be subjected to mind numbing information on apertures and shutter speeds and ISO settings. BORING. If I want to spend a bunch of time pushing buttons I'll try to set my VCR clock. I couldn't care less what the camera settings are, I just want to snap pictures while I'm pulling off a double-jump-sidekick. I know what you're thinking: Why would you jump around when you're trying to take a picture? That's not extreme, it's stupid. There's not even any risk. Yes, that's easy to say for someone who has never tried it. But X-treme Fotographi is actually very risky, there is a high probability that your shots will come out blurry, improperly exposed, poorly framed, or, most likely, all of the above. So have fun setting your camera up on your little tripod and waiting for the wind to stop blowing so you can get your perfect shot, I'll be busy shooting while doing double-360 jumps, pushing photography to it's limits and beyond. And if you're still wondering where my "extreme goat herding" musings are, sorry, those are now only available with a $5.99 per month subscription. Here I am taking an X-treme Foto in one of the most foreboding environments imaginable, any one of those trillion billion grains of sand could get into my camera and jam it:

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for many years, people have been struggling to convey emotion over the internet by using primative punctuation characters, such as: :)     (smile) ;)     (wink) >:(   (anger) well, these simple characters obviously cannot capture the breadth of emotions that humans are capable of. however, with the advancement of science, it is now possible to convey any human emotion over the internet through the use of owls. don't believe me? see for yourself: did someone just tell you something ridiculous? try responding with: (oh really!?) did someone just think that something you said was ridiculous when it was not? surprised? excited? need something? scared? some other people have tried to imitate the expressions of the owl but always just end up looking like confused monkeys: if i were an actor in hollywood i would be pretty worried about my job security right now after this scientific discovery, i don't think there is an actor alive today who can convey 1/10th of the emotion of an owl.

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with an update like this, you can be sure that i will have to make many more updates in the near future to push it further down the page, into obscurity...being on a site that no one knows about, on a page that no one reads, is not enough... lately, the only times i have been motivated to write is when i have been mad about something (red states, etc.)...so i decided i would take a cue from the rap world and turn my anger into beautiful music...i must warn you that these lyrics are so explicit that the RIAA is forcing me to put a "GRANDPARENTAL ADVISORY: EXPLICIT LYRICS" warning on them...that means that if you are underage your parents will have to ask their parents if you have permission to read them. Yes, show me the lyrics, I have asked my parents parents for permission. it's not perfect, i know, but that was without a rhyming dictionary...you still liked it though right?...i mean but you think i've got talent and all, right?...well...just blink if you agree...yeah...with your eyes...you know...open, close...ah, okay, there you go, i think...thanks... anyway, it will be intresting to see which of you now go on to be criminals after reading those swear words and stuff...it was harsh, but so is reality...

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my 10 year high school reunion occurred recently...i didn't attend but i did exchange some emails with the planner until she filed a restraining order...i mean, it turns out that the one from ten years ago was still in effect but who can keep track of those things anyway, am i right? i mean you know what i'm talking about right?...those things...you know...well, all i have to say is if they didn't think i was retarded in high school, they certainly do now...i mean, even i think i'm retarded now and i have really low expectations for myself...like, how am i even typing this... anyway, if I can't make it please be sure to tell everyone that I am earning 6 figures, driving an expensive european sports car, and have a super model girlfriend...but seriously, is it okay if I just show up in my McDonalds uniform? it's the only clothing I have...do you guys need any food for the event because we throw away a bunch of fries every night and if you want i could save up like a weeks worth and bring them...they might be kind of crunchy but we could just call them "gourmet potato strips" and everyone would like them...I actually had to check the spelling on "potato" there which I jointly blame on dan quayle and my high school education...which is an excellent segue back to the reunion which i have nothing to say about really, i just wanted to use a fancy word that i did learn in the 11th grade, yeah that's right, i didn't learn how to use the word "back" correctly in a sentence until 11th grade...In case you couldn't tell, no part of this is serious (weather has kind of sucked here lately so i am going insane)...ok, it's not the weather...it's these pink little fairies that keep following me around, they are making me insane... then she had the audacity to tell me to come as myself... disclaimer: this email contains no critical information so feel free to delete it now if you don't feel like wasting 5 minutes of your life...it does, however, contain graphic depictions of farm animals in lewd situations...like, have you ever heard of a pig at grocery store?...it's ridiculous...only on the internet folks!...man, i really hope you didn't stop reading after you read the farm animals thing, that may have left you with the wrong impression...this is not a wholesome farm email... come as myself? nice thought, but i want to impress people, not be laughed at...unless i'm telling a joke, and even then, the laughing should be followed by a statement confirming that you were laughing at the joke itself and not because i f***ed up the punchline...to this end, i have hired a professional writer to create "stories of my life" for me, based not on my actual life (they need to be interesting), but on what would impress other people...and i have been working with my acting coach to make sure the delivery is believable...so far he says i am coming off as a pompous, self-centered, ego-maniac...so, i am almost there, i just need to be a little more condescending to top it all off...i think that one's all in the eyes...this acting stuff is hard work, no wonder they make millions...it helps though that i am pompous, self-centered, etc. in real life... screw reality though, reality does nothing but bring me down...i'd be hopping along in green meadows with friendly lions under a blue sky raining gumdrops into waterfalls of chocolate being gazed upon by midgets dressed in bunny suits - if it wasn't for stupid reality...and it's not that life doesn't have really great prospects, it's that reality screws them all up...like here's this really great tasting food but it will give you cavities and make you fat...here's this really nice car that you could never afford, this wonderful guy/girl who would never give you the time of day, this really great pair of shoes that cost $100 but will go out of style in 3 months, DAMN YOU FASHION INDUSTRY!...man, i am totally materialistic...i'm sure that the true joy in life is good friends and good times and good caviar but as a society, i really think we should be striving to live like they do in the movie "the matrix"...let our physical bodies live in reality with machines feeding our physical needs (food, etc.) but our minds can live in some make believe happy fun world...screw this reality bs, why would i want to live in a place where i could be born ugly or dumb or in mississippi? why would i want to live in a world where my hand could get chopped off by a lawn mower? where doing crack is considered to be a bad thing?...no thanks, not for me please...not to the crack, i will gladly accept that, but you can keep your reality...i'll be in the movie theater dressed as an ewok watching star wars perpetually and pretending that it is my life...you know, that's almost like the matrix, the theater being the pod and the movie being the alternate reality that is better than my life...in my case, i could be watching "the texas chainsaw massacre" and it would be better than my life...problem is that movie theaters are not far enough removed from reality because i still get laughed at in my ewok costume when the lights come on...just joking of course, i do not own an ewok costume...i have to borrow it from a friend...okay, i have no friends...it's sad when you're making up friends so that you can say you borrowed an ewok costume from them...actually, it's sad if you ever mention ewoks, ever, for any reason, at any point in your life... in all seriousness, i'm not sure if i'll make it, but thanks for all of your (and others) efforts in planning it and i hope that everyone is doing well, just slightly worse than me...if i have time though, i will go to kinkos and make a cardboard cut-out of myself which you can just stick in the corner...most people won't even notice it's not really me...plus, you can use it as a dartboard later in the night...with my luck though, i'd show up at the party later and everyone would be like "yeah, we liked the cardboard cut-out better...it had personality"... but you know, just because you don't remember me doesn't mean that i wasn't totally popular in high school, we come from a very big school and i'll have you know that i was popular in certain circles....the 9th graders, for instance, always went crazy for me, when i walked around in my crazy clown outfit...ok, those were just my normal clothes and makeup...and the 9th graders were taunting me...but, it's all in the interpretation... which is a total f$#!ing segue back to what i was saying before, life is all malleable perception except for the physical needs of our bodies (food, air, excercise) so why in the world do we feel the need to always perceive reality so realistically?...i mean i know why, because we'd die or get laughed at if we didn't, but why don't we find some way around this rather than trying to send a man/woman to mars...like in reality, i am the dullest person you could imagine and there's nothing i can really do about that...but man, if i could make up my own reality (that wasn't real at all), then i would become slightly more interesting, although self-righteous and annoying...but in my reality, you'd love that, and think it was cute and irresistable...or wait, i don't want to be cute...quit trying to f@#% up my reality and get your own...all i'm saying is lets give up on this whole living together in the same reality thing because we are obviously all just making each other miserable (see middle east) and lets all live in our own virtual realities where everything can be controled and finely orchestrated like a hollywood movie, the pinnacle of perfection...i am referring of course only to steven seagal movies...everything else hollywood has produced has been crap...i know that one day computers wiill bring us to this beautiful goal...

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i wasn't finished i had a half eaten sandwich still in the refrigerator i wasn't expecting to be done today i didn't think it would be over now i had so many things still to share, to do i wasn't ready to stop yet was that the last joke i told? the last thing i said? the last time i spent with you? there was more

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From a National Geographic survey: "WHERE IN THE WORLD Among 18- to 24-year-old Americans given maps: 87 percent cannot find Iraq 83 percent cannot find Afghanistan 76 percent cannot find Saudi Arabia 70 percent cannot find New Jersey 49 percent cannot find New York 11 percent cannot find the United States" the most acute response i have heard to these survey results is: "OMG thats like 300 percent!" first of all, the east coast states are a total mess...i think they got their horses drunk before they jumped onto them to mark out the state lines there...nobody should be expected to understand that disaster... second of all, thinking that this survey measures anything useful would be a total mistake...i know your first reaction may be to think "OMG AMERICANS ARE SO DUMB!", and we are, like all other people, but not because we can't find shit on blank maps. when i was in 7th grade i had the locations of all the african and middle eastern countries memorized...these days i can only point at an unlabeled map and say "OOH PRETTY COLORS! ME LIKE!"...was i smarter then than i am now? am i less worldly now? most likely, but i'm also probably better at smashing your face in with my fist. maps have labels for a reason and i think that reason is SO WE DONT HAVE TO MEMORIZE THEM... "If our young people can't find places on a map and lack awareness of current events, how can they understand the world's cultural, economic and natural resource issues that confront us?" says John Fahey, president of the National Geographic Society. i think finding a place on a map and understanding the worlds cultural, economic and natural resource issues are two different things...being able to label a map doesnt indicate that you know anything about world issues...it indicates that you play RISK way more than anyone should... i think this highlights my point: "Although 81 percent of the surveyed Americans knew that the Middle East is the Earth's largest oil exporter, only 24 percent could find Saudi Arabia on the map." this tells me that that the vast majority of americans know the current significance of the middle east in relation to our economy, but that they haven't subjected themselves to the mind numbing exercise of memorizing exactly where all the countries of the world are located. WHO CARES IF THE MAJORITY OF AMERICANS DON'T KNOW WHICH BLOB ON THE MAP IS SAUDI ARABIA?... "The society survey found that only about one in seven -- 13 percent -- of Americans between the age of 18 and 24, the prime age for military warriors, could find Iraq. The score was the same for Iran, an Iraqi neighbor." luckily, the military owns maps, WITH LABELS. i can't even understand whats going on in my own country, state, city, family or even my own head, there's no way i'm going to understand the entire god damn world...which doesnt mean i shouldnt try, it just means that i have to decide what information is and is not most useful for me to spend my time interpreting/memorizing and i, like many americans, have decided that memorizing how to label a blank map of the world is not the best use of my time...i'm not trying to be unworldy, i just have more pressing concerns, such as who is dating who on the hit sitcom Friends . what's more scary than these survey results is that a lot of people will read them and think they mean something significant...chances are that american youth are more aware of the world than ever due to the advent of the internet (thanks Al Gore)...it's now extremely easy to interact with random people living all across the world and while interacting with them may not help you find their country on a map, it may teach you something about how different or similar their culture is....however, because the world has become smaller due to the internet/high speed travel/etc. being aware of world issues is probably more important now than it ever has been...so dont get me wrong, im not saying americans shouldnt be more worldly, im saying that using map labeling as a measure of their worldliness is stupid.

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i think back when i used to enjoy the endless frustration of arguing with my cousin about religion, i ran across this site: http://www.christiananswers.net/. the site contains many exercises designed to teach children that god is real and evolution is heresy which anyone should find humorous, dispite your beliefs on religion...bolded text is quoted from christiananswers.net... Christian Answers Student Exercise: Show them a picture of Mount Rushmore, and make it clear to them that the Presidents' heads did not get there from millions of years of wind and water erosion, but by people who applied intelligence to make the carvings. the theory of evolution does not state that the faces of presidents will evolve naturally on mountain sides...i think you are confusing biology with weather...although i'm sure you could find natural rock formations that do look like faces somewhere... Point out that airplanes and watches and computers don't come together by chance - they have been designed and made by people. By using these examples you can show them that life, which is much more complicated than a computer or an airplane, also had to be made by someone - God. Life could not have happened by chance. the theory of evolution actually does not claim that watches or airplanes evolved from one celled organisms, or anything really...in fact, i think the theory of evolution would support the idea that watches and airplnes could NOT evolve in nature because airplanes and watches are not self-replicating, there is no way for them to evolve... Christian Answers Student Exercise: Put a number of Lego bricks (about 100) into a shoe box, place the lid on the box, and have the children shake the box and then look at the result. Repeat this five times, then have the children build a house out of the Lego bricks. Explain the difference between chance and intelligence to produce order. nowhere in the theory of evolution has it ever said that if you shake a bunch of pieces of plastic in a box that they will assemble themselves...perhaps the students should try an alternate exercise: mix a polar liquid (water) and a nonpolar liquid (oil) together...have the children shake the mixture up and then look at the result...Explain to them that the liquids stay separated and the less dense liquid always remains on the top because that is where GOD PUTS IT, not because of the natural order of the universe, the universe is, after all, total chaos and they are just lucky that the jar didn't blow up in their hand... ANALOGIES ARE NOT SCIENCE, they can not prove anything, in fact they tend to be EXTREMELY MISLEADING...if you want to show something about some thing then work DIRECTLY with that thing...you cannot say legos do not arrange themselves, therefore X wont either...im fine with people teaching their kids religion, but dont teach them to be stupid... Also share with them that the next time a teacher (or anyone) talks about "millions of years ago," the student could ask, "Were you there?" Explain that no human being knows everything, or has always been there, so how can they really know what happened in the past? we could just read the bible of course!...or wait, i wasn't there when the bible was written so i dont really know who wrote it or why so how can i really be sure of what it is?...oh dear, this is all just so confusing to me! alternate exercise: take students to magic show...explain to the students that the woman WAS actually cut in half because they were there and that is what they saw...eyes are simply ONE way of gathering information and not necesarrily any better than anything else...to say that we cannot figure out anything about the past because we weren't there to see it is quite ridiculous... Christian Answers Student Exercise: Give each student an M&M to eat. Have some of them go outside and eat it without anyone watching. Then ask each student to prove they ate an M&M. It should be obvious that those who have witnesses will have an easier time attempting to prove this than those without witnesses.  alternate exercise: have several students witness an event and give a written explanation of what they saw...then note how each one discribed the event differently...explain to the students that eye-witnesses simply cannot be trusted to be unbiased and since that is what the bible is based on, it cannot be trusted either... or how about this, have the student read a comic book and then explain to the student that the comic book does not portray a real event. inform the student that since the bible is a book too, it does not portray a real event... i mean, why bother using any logic at all? it just makes it harder to prove things... All animals, including the first dinosaurs, were created to benefit mankind in one way or another. God's exact purpose for the various dinosaurs is still a mystery. Perhaps the larger dinosaurs kept certain types of lush plant life under control and cleared paths through the forest. Using their long necks, some dinosaurs could have eaten foliage at the tops of tall trees. In a thick forest, this would let light come down to the ground so smaller plants would have a chance to grow. well if god wanted us to know his exact purpose for dinosaurs im sure he would have had someone write it in the bible, so lets let that one rest and just be thankful we got the 10 commandments!...praise! but wait, instead of creating tall trees that are really dense and block light, small plants that need lots of light to live, and then having to create dinosaurs to trim back the dense trees so the small plants could live, why not just create small plants that don't need light to live or create less dense trees in the first place?...i'm not saying i'm smarter than god, maybe just a bit more logical....it seems like a lot of work to create an entire species just to do some tree trimming... In those first, early days the earth was a beautiful paradise. Everything was happy and perfect--just as God intended. Wouldn't it be wonderful to have lived in those days? There were delicious fruits and plants of all types to eat. They were probably much better than the kinds available today. i don't know, todays watermelons are pretty f'ing good!...seedless even...

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advice > My kitchen floor is sticky wear sandals > I do, but they stick to the floor and come off my feet. when your sandals come off your feet just leave them there, covering up the unwanted stickiness....buy new sandals as needed and pretty soon your floor will be covered with sandals and the problem will be solved...over time, the sandals will build up layer by layer like sediment...many years from now, archeologists will be able to excavate the area and determine what sandal fashions were popular during various eras of human existence.... personal ads first of all let me say that i'm way too cool and un-desperate to ever place a personal ad, but here are some of the ones ive tried...PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE WON'T SOMEONE REPLY TO ME: if you like flashiness then you probably wouldnt like me...but if you like honesty and integrity then you probably wouldnt like me either....but if you're deaf and blind then you probably wouldnt like anyone at all because you'd be so bitter (helen keller anyone?)...but if you're not bitter, thats nice. i'm trying to think of something less retarded to say than "i like to have fun", which is not to say that people who say that are retarded, they at least distinguish themself from the people who like to rub sand in their eyes and chew on tinfoil... i'm not shy, i'm complex...i mean i have a complex...i mean i'm a deeply disturbed individual...i mean i'm really really nice when i'm on my medication...i don't really remember the times when i'm not medicated, but that's actually a good thing because it's a really good defense in court... maybe its easier to define me by what i don't like...i don't like baseball...ok, this is not working well...god damn, nothing i do ever works out right...anyways i don't know why i'm even writing this, i know you won't like me...nobody ever likes me... i think figuring out what to write here is the most challenging thing i have ever done, which is not to say my life has been easy, but it has been, i mean, one time i had to get the shrinkwrap off a new cd, but other than that... yeah yeah, youre just in the personals becuase of a bet with a friend or you were just bored or you did it on a dare, why dont you just admit that this is your last desperate attempt to meet someone?...ok, enough talking to myself...but seriously... First Date so youre a runner? ... are you more of a speed or a distance runner? ... im just trying to figure out, if you took off running i probably couldnt catch you? ... i guess ill have to limit my converstation to unoffensive things then ... because ive had that happen before...but i just stuck my foot out and tripped her...i mean i guess she was just trying to go to the "bathroom" but how was i supposed to know?...i mean she told me but...it was our first date, we hadnt built up that level of trust yet... random i didnt break any bones skiing, but i did have to break some bones to get decent service at some of the restaurants....i swear, you step on a few people with your skis when youre walking in and all of the sudden they want to kick you out...i mean, i apologized to that lady for accidentally poking her eyes out...i dont know, i'm starting to think i should take my skis off before entering the restaurant... next time listen to your heart, it will never steer you wrong! except when it comes to love... "its so cold i saw a lawyer with his hand in his own pocket" i forget who told that joke but i thought it was funny, not because i hate lawyers or anything but because i think pocket is such a funny word...i mean, "pock" followed by "et"?..come on, youve got to be kidding me... yeah, i dont know...i keep it calm on the outside, but inside, a storm is brewing...not a destructive one, just one that brings rain for the flowers and stuff... "Efficiency is intelligent laziness" "Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten." - BF Skinner "Life is 10% what you make it and 90% how you take it." - Irving Berlin

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sorry about the lack of updates, but as you know, i always try to keep this site fresh and in your face so i thought i would try doing one of those last man standing reality shows that are so popular now but in this case, people would get voted off the site...well, i voted myself off the first day because i was being kind of a jackass, and since im the only one here, that was it...needless to say it didnt get the ratings i was hoping for so the studio canceled it... how cold is it? its so cold, i saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both frozen... so naturally i scooped them up and put them in the freezer for dinner...just joking, im saving them for a special occasion...like lunch...yeah so if you didnt grow up watching johnny carson like i didnt, i guess he had some spiel where he'd have the audience ask him "how hot is it?" and he'd come up with spontaneously witty, pre-scripted replies...like "its so hot, i saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking"...there, now you know everything...

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how is it that when i cut open a melon and then leave the rimes in my sink for a few days or weeks, fruit flies magically appear?...i mean do they just hang out in the area, casing places and then when i leave some fruit out theyve already figured out a way in so theyre just there...or do they ride home from the store with me?...and then theyre like "god damn, when is this mother f*cker going to chop this melon open, i knew i should have gone home with the old lady, she would have known to cut the melon before it goes bad..."...hey f you you little fruit fly bitch, the old lady may cut it quick but would she leave the rimes in the sink for 2 weeks?...yeah you know who your daddy is now dont you... fruit flies like a bananna i bought these 10$ speakers at best buy and the cashier was like "do you want to buy an extended warranty plan for those?" and i was like "no, they cost 10$" and he was like "oh, you like to throw money away? if you want to throw away 10$ then ill take it"...uh, no, if i liked to throw money away i would have bought the extended warranty plan...they're speakers dude, they have no moving parts, the only way they'd break is if i smashed them with a hammer...which, i accidentally did on my way home...so, im writing this to tell you to ALWAYS BUY THE EXTENDED WARRANTY PLAN...i dont care if youre buying a can of spray paint...actually i do kind of care because aerosol cans are bad for the environment, would it kill you to apply the paint with a brush?...sure, its harder to get a smooth coat, but when youre vandalizing something, does it really matter?... anyways, i have no way of contacting her, all i know is her first name...so, i was thinking of trying to follow her around for a bit to see if i can figure out which mailbox is hers so i could get her name that way...then, if she has a rabbit or anything, i could kill it and leave it in a boiling pot of water on her stove...i need your perspective on this though, pretend you were a girl, would that freak you out?... Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by rulers as useful - Seneca the Younger (4? B.C. - 65 A.D.)

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this is a big page for someone with nothing to say

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yes, im done with school now but i still need some time to recover...luckily, dennis miller was kind enough to update the whatever for me: Wow, this internet stuff is crazy isn't it?...I mean, it reminds me of when Garla Blanchard went to Tupkia...like Furmo meets Gutolupa...I mean I don't want to go off on a rant here but...if the internet were a flower it would be blooming like a southeast asian Fumerolactica...And I'm starting to wonder if it's not going to take over our entire society...Hi Dennis, how are you? I was wonder...hold on just a second, I just got a new email and I've wired the teleprompter to display them over top of my lines...that was like going to Arlieo and getting some Richima in your Patool...like Elvis meets Richard Caliesto...

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yes, it is true that i have not had much time to update my page lately...so, taking a cue from popular talk shows, i have decided to arrange some celebrity hosts to fill-in for me until i have more time...the following "whatever" update is from a professional wrestler... I AM TEH SLASHER AND I AM USUALLY IN TEH RING SMASHING PEOPLES HEADS BUT I TOKE SOME TIME AWAY FROM PUTTING PEOPLE IN HEADLOKS TOO LERN HTML SO THAT I COULD TELL YOU ENTERNET LOOSERS WHAT I WUOLD DO TO YOURE SCRAWNY LITTLE BODYS IF I CUOLD GETS MY HANDS ON YOU. FIRTS I WOULD PUT YOU INTO A HEADLOK THEN I WOULD TWISTE YOURE NECK UNTIL IT EXPLODED MAYBE YOU ARENT USED TOO SEEING NECKS EXPLODE BECUAES MAYBE YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN IN TEH RINGE WIHT THE SLASHER BEFORE. THEN AFTOR YOUR NECK HAD EXPLODED I WUOLD BREAK YOURE LEGS INTO TOOTHPICKS AND USE THEM TO PICK MY NAILS WICH ARE PRONE TO GETTING DIRT STUCK UNDAR THEM AND THNE I WOULD RIP YOUR ARMS FROM THERE SOCKETS AND BEAT THEM AGAISNT THE FLOOR UNTIL SOMEBODY STOPPED ME BECAUSE I WAS GETTING THERE CARPET TOO DIRTY WITH YOURE BLOOD WHICH IS DIFFICULT TO GET OUT UNLES YOU HAEV STAINMASTER CARPET MAYBE YOU HAEV READ ABUOT STAINMASTER CARPTE ON THE ENTERNET. OR DO YOU SPEND ALL OF YOURE TIME CHATTING WITH OTHER ENTERNET POEPLE ABOUT YOURE FAVURITE COLOR. SORRY TO BRAEK UP YOURE LAME LITTEL ENTERNET PARTY BUT THE SLASHER IS NOW TAKING OVER TEH ENTERNET AND THERE WILL BE NO MORE ARTICLES ON CARPET OR ENTERNET CHATTING ABOUT FAVORIT COULORS AND THERE WILL ONLY BE ONE ADDRESS; WWW.SLASHER.COM. SO LISTEN NOW ENTERNET LOOSERS, AT WWW.SLASHER.COM IT WILL BE OUR GAOL TO SLASH DOWN PRICES ON ALL THE THINGS YOU NEED. JUST LEIK I SLASH PEOPLE DOWN IN THE RIGN I WILL SLASH PRICES. YOU CAN NOW BUY YOUR GROCERYS AT SLASHER>COM, OR EVEN GAS, OR ANY OTHER THING THAT YOU WOULD COMMNLY NEVER THINK WOUDL MAKE LOGICLE SENSE TO ORDER OVER THE ENTERNET. MY BUSINESS ASSOCAITES AND I HAEV DONE COMPLEX MARKET TESTS TO DETERMINE WHAT PEOPLE WANT AND WE ARE GIVING IT TO YOU: GAS OVER THE ENTERNET. NOW RATHER THAN HAVING TO GO TO A GAS STATION, PUT YOUR CREDIT CARD IN THE THING AND THEN PUMP GAS YOU CAN GOT TO YOURE COMPUTOR AND LOG ONTO THE ENTERNET, GOTO WWW>SLASHER>COM ADN FIND A PARTICIPATING GAS STATION THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE NEAR YOU, NEGOTIATE FOR CHEAP SLASHED PRICE GAS THOURGH OUR SPECIALE 10 SIMPLE STEP BIDDING PROCESS (WHILE YOU ALSO READ SOME ADVERTISEMENTS, THIS IS HOW WE MAKE OUR MONEY WHICH ALLOWS US TO SLASH PRICES), GO TO THE GAS STATION YOU DID OR DID NOT FIND ON OUR SITE, PUT YOURE SPECIAL SLASHER.COM CARD IN TEH THING< AND PUMP YOURE GAS AND NOTE HOW THE PRICE HAS BEEN SLASHED BY 1 OR 2 CENTS IN TEH OPTIMAL CASE. FINALY SOMEONE HAS REALIZED WHAT CONSUMERS WHANT: WW.SLASHER.COM.

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i was a bit late sending my sister her birthday present this year but rather than give her some lame ass excuse about how i was just sooo busy, i figured id give her some lame ass excuse about how its not really my fault, its just this crazy, crazy world we live in... the world is just becoming too impersonal these days...so when i told my secretary to type up a birthday letter from me to you i told her "hey, dont use the rubber stamp on this one, give it to me and ill sign it by hand with my own rubber stamp..."...and then i went to the post office with the letter and was like "id like to have this letter delivered to my sister"...and they said "ok we can ship it out today and it will be there in 3 days"...and i said "ship?...3 days?...hey, you know thats great...but thats so impersonal to have it sent by ship...im trying to mail a birthday card here, not some meaningless bill...why does everything have to be so rushed?...why do we have to be so efficient?...did you take the time to look at the sky today?...or the trees?...youre trying to run through life so fast that you are completely missing it..."...he said nothing...then i realized i was talking to a cardboard cut-out of a ups guy...feeling a little dumb that i was talking about "u.s mail" with a "united parcel service" guy (good thing he was only a cardboard cut-out or boy would my face have been red!), i left the post office...i wanted my letter to be hand delivered which obviously they could not help me with, at least not in a reasonable amount of time...so, this letter was really stressing me out and i refused to give into this impersonal world where no one really cares about anything because we are essentailly just drones carrying out tasks that we really wouldnt give a shit about had society not brainwashed us into it...so i thought "hey, it would be nice if this was someone elses problem"...so when i went home that day i went over to my neighbors house and said "hey, i am trying to get this letter hand delivered to my sister and i have thought of a way...all you have to do is pass this letter to your neighbor on your west and tell your neighbor to do the same whom should then tell their neighbor to do the same and so on until it gets to golden, colorado...then, have the person who receives it in golden drop it into a mailbox there so that it can be shipped to the central u.s. postal processing station in maine and then back to golden, colorado to my sister"...and they said "ok, but youre our first neighbor to the west"...and i said "well, sometimes you have to make 3 left turns to make a right turn" and i ran out of their house leaving the letter with them and yelling back that "i would just die if that letter were to not reach my sister"...surely, they would not just throw it away would they?...i didnt really care anymore, it wasnt my problem...i thought my plan was perfect...how great would it be to have the letter personally delivered hand by hand, by total strangers, across the country...but obviously that plan did not work, probably because of some lazy ass in nebraska or iowa who didnt want to travel 20 miles to their nearest neighbor...hey buddy, your corn isnt going anywhere, i think you could have taken 20 minutes out of your day...but thats ok, here is the text from the original letter in its entirety: Happy Birthday Kristen love, Lars Jensen CEO, Random Software jensenl@random.com (123) 867-5309 so, sorry about the delay in getting this letter to you...but its all because of some fucker in iowa....

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the following is fictional and you should have seen "chasing amy" before reading it... Chasing Whoever the girl at the front desk...she looked interesting...she was like "the person whom you want to meet with is not in right now"...so that would have been a good time to start some conversation but i was just like "shut up, dont tell me what to do, youre not my mom"...no actually, i was like "ok, thanks"...what a dumbass thing to say...i should have tagged a pickup line on the end of that "ok, thanks", like: "ok, thanks...hey, havent i seen you here before?" "yes...i work here" "whoa, easy there tiger...we just met, you dont need to be telling me where you work...so are you coming over to my place later tonight or what?" "hey, do you play basketball?...youre tall...thats why i ask..." "yeah, i play basketball, and thats not the only thing i play if you know what i mean...i also play chess...i was in the chess club all thru high school..." just then silent bob entered... "hey man, youre chasing whoever" he said "what?...im chasing who?" "whoever...youre chasing whoever you see..." "nonsense...i didnt chase after her over there..." "thats a him not a her..." "yes, its hard to tell with dogs...but i didnt chase after it...anyways, i couldnt pick up a girl if i had a forklift...i just dont know how to operate the things...i mean, its a pain in the ass to try and convince a girl that youre someone she should be interested in...i think people should have relationship resumes so that rather than having to wine and dine some girl to make her think youre a decent guy you can just hand her your resume, she can call a few of your references and find out that you are indeed, not worth dating..."

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The Internet the internet...have you heard about this place?...girls are meeting guys from the internet and getting raped...kids are downloading porn...peoples credit card numbers are getting stolen...sure, this kind of thing is normal daily life in new york city, but is this kind of thing really acceptable to the rest of us?...personally, i am outraged...i want all of these internet people rounded up and put into jail...i mean not a night goes by that i dont see some news story relating to how someone got screwed by the internet...and i dont mean that in the good way...but why is it, i ask, that when someone, lets say, for example, gets killed by an internet stalker they always make such a big deal about "oh she met him on...THE INTERNET"...so what, she met him on the internet, she could have met him on the street and got killed just the same...the internet is just one more tool that will better allow murderers to stalk their prey more efficiently...arent you in favor of efficiency?...but the internet doesnt kill people, either people or guns do...even if the internet advanced to the point where you could kill someone by clicking on a link, you still have to look at where the responsibility really lies, and that is on us (by the way, if the internet ever does advance to that point, consider yourself dead, i hate you)...there is nothing especially bad about the internet, other than the fact that it is inhabited by people...and human beings are lying, cheating, disgusting, vile creatures and you have been this way ever since the beginning of time, from what i have read...yes, i do not consider myself to be human, i am on a moral pedestal far above anything you could ever hope to reach...and i had to blackmail a lot of people to get to this point so im not leaving anytime soon...ok, everything before this is total sarcasm...like when i said i hated you, well, i meant that...but everything else was pure sarcasm...of course, i wouldnt expect you humans to be able to understand that...but is the internet a danger to society?...sure, in the same sense that the liquid plumber under your sink is a danger to you...just dont do anything stupid, like drink it, and youll be fine...sure its easy to lie on the internet due to the anonymity, did i mention i only weigh 120lbs? or wait, its girls who lie about their weight, not guys...but dont let a few bad apples ruin the bushel...just mush them all together and make some cider...the other day some girl from zimbabwe randomly contacted me thru an instant messenger over...THE INTERNET...now how often do you get the chance to talk to someone who is all the way across the ocean from you, almost in a different world?...sure, i couldnt understand anything she said, but she typed characters on her keyboard and they came all the way across the ocean and appeared on my computer screen...and isnt that whats important?...so lets forget about how the internet facilitates things like murder, rape, and stealing, and focus on how the internet facilitates the transfer of alphabet characters, even over such great distances as the ocean....

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no subject based on the counter, it appears that more than just i visit this site...no one seems to want to say hi though...i feel kind of guilty not updating the site much if people are actually coming here...ive been busy programming lately, or as i like to call it, "making computers my bitches"....just joking...but today i figured out how to convert orientations represented with euler's rotations to axis angles using quaternions....cool huh?...my computer gave me a little flak at first by telling me stuff like it didnt know what the "cos()" function was but once i laid the smack down, by fixing my stupid mistakes, it computed axis angles like the little whore that it is...its amazing how many stupid mistakes i make while programming...its amazing how many stupid mistakes i make during the course of a day, like did you know that youre not supposed to smoke while you pump gas?...well, i didnt really smoke, i was just walking around the gas station with a blow torch...i tell you, people are so paranoid...when you threaten them...or even just their children...i dunno...maybe i shouldnt have pointed it at people and yelled "ready to fry motherf*cker!?"... theres this car commercial out now that cracks me up, its a guy talking about his new fatherhood...it goes something like: the idea that i am now responsible for someone elses life is utterly ridiculous...like a cookie falls on the floor and im supposed to tell them not to eat it...but really, im thinking "5 second rule...that cookie hasnt been on the floor long...that cookie is still good"... the 5 second rule sounds pretty conservative to me...i think most floors are cleaned more often than i clean my hands...just joking...its probably a tie... snippet what are we talking about here, nutty like a snickers bar or nutty like a payday?...cos paydays are f ing nutty...dont lump me in the same group as paydays...i dont do crack, and as a matter of fact, i hold the opinion that smoking crack is unhealthy...often times when i see little kids i tell them not to smoke crack...but i really find that its easier to keep kids from doing crack by getting them hooked on some other drug, like heroin...you may think heroin is just as bad, but think about it for a second...when you smoke crack you always run the risk of getting smoke in your eyes which could make your eyes water...you dont have this risk with heroin...sure, theres aids from shared needles but kids just dont seem to get this, you throw too much stuff at them and they just get confused...so i try to keep it simple...they seem to really understand the whole smoke in the eyes thing... one more peaceful medicated moment...

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am i trying to get myself fired? i guess i was in a sarcastic mood tonight when i was replying to emails from my future boss and co-worker... my future boss emailed me telling me what my pay was to which i replied: yes, that is cool..tell Julie I charge that hourly rate for dog sitting also...just kidding, I charge twice that...that is good pay though, now I will feel guilty whenever I put my feet up on the desk and relax for a couple of minutes cos you'll be paying me like $10 for that time (I know I said just a couple of minutes but my breaks usually last 20min - 12hrs)...I mean if I just take the time to look at my watch thats like 25 cents...but luckily I don't have a watch...so I'll have to walk to the nearest visible clock which could take even more time and make me even more money...I'm getting paid for writing this email right?...Should be overtime pay as well because today is a holiday for me, I'm Jabikwish and today is our holy day...tomorrow I will be Gwattalopian because tomorrow is their holy day...I don't have to work on holy days do I?...ok, enough sarcasm for now (please do not take any of this seriously (except this phrase of course (when I said "this phrase" I actually meant the one preceding it (although the other phrase was serious too...ok, now how do I close all of these imbedded parenthesis...))))))))....Yes, well thanks for hiring me and paying me well, hopefully I will not disappoint... my future co-worker emailed me about dog sitting for her...her dog's name is Lars which is also my name, so... Yes, that should be doable...where do you live though?...because if you live in Detroit and Lars requires attention 3+ times a day that could be hard for Lars...wait a minute, you want to hire me to take care of myself?...what's going on here? and I don't need attention 3 times a day...6 times is plenty...lets see, what was I saying?...oh yeah, if you live in Detroit that wouldn't be all bad because maybe some of your neighbors will be selling crack for cheap and that could save me some money...You might be wondering how much I charge...most people pay me $10-$15 a day but whatever you think is reasonable is fine with me, I don't really do it for the money...I do it so I can throw parties at peoples houses while they are gone...just joking, I don't even have enough friends to throw a party...they'd be like "is this a 'party' or a 'get together'? because if it's a 'party' it seems like there should be more than 4 people here...wait a minute, those arent even real people, they are cardboard cut-outs..."...but seriosuly, I should be able to dog sit for you, assuming you live within the state of Michigan...

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oh my, another huge update...this one may have some boring parts, sorry... rafting i was sitting at work on friday and my friend and co-worker was like "do you want to go rafting this weekend?"...and i was like "......"...thinking hmmm, rafting is cool, but this weekend?...dont i have plans?...what time would we leave?..."4 o'clock" she said...4 o'clock?...i have to work...i need to mow the lawn this weekend...who is going?..."my best friend julie...chad...and a bunch of people i dont know...have you met julie?...i thought you had met julie..." she said...nope, i havent met julie...who is julie?...who is chad?...i dont know anyone...what is going on here...the lawn really needs to be mowed...but i have no plans...i could go...i should go...ill go...so yeah, i went...white water rafting in west virgina that is...        a few hours later we left...i was herded into a car with 3 people i had never met...crunched into the back seat of a saturn, and who ever designed the back seat of a saturn should die...who ever keeps splashing water all over the counter so that my pants get all wet when i lean against it should also die but lets not get into that...so my car trip started off with the driver of my car puffing on a joint...and i was just like "wait a minute...this is NOT good...why isnt she offerring it to me?.."...no just joking, i have no desire to smoke weed but it cracks me up how many people do when its supposed to be an illegal substance...i think they should just make it legal because they dont seem to be stopping anyone from getting it and if it were legal we could be taking advantage of the postive aspects of the marijuana plant...but anyways...the smokers on the trip seemed to spend so much time consumed with their habit, i think 50% of the interaction between people on the trip was related to smoking...like "hey man can i get a smoke?"..."hey, can i share that smoke with you?"..."anyone got a lighter?"..."who has my lighter?"...but hey, they looked cool as fuck while they were smoking so who cares...i heard some quote somewhere that was like "he didnt drink from the bottle, it drank from him" and from what i have observed with people who are into drugs, thats seems to be the way it goes...you dont use them, they use you...im not trying to rip on people who do drugs here, it is all pretty meaningless to me...i dont really have a set opinion on drugs, they are good and they are bad just like everything else in this world...        so anyways, the people i drove with were cool, we all got along...the drive to west virgina was 8hrs long which didnt seem like much to me after driving out to california...we got into camp at about 2am, it was wet but only sprinkling lightly...so we set up our tents in the dark and then i think we hung out until 4am or something before going to bed...we were up at 8am the next day to get ready for rafting...so, the rafting was good, the air temperature was slightly cool but the water was relatively warm...the water was only 1ft above normal so the rapids werent that crazy...it was a pretty laid back ride because in between the rapids there were always long stretches of calm water...during these times tho you could jump out and swim or just look around at the scenery...or start water fights...        the river guides are always interesting people and they do their best to keep you entertained...ill relay a couple of jokes one of them told us at our lunch break which you may or may not find funny...after one explained to us what we were eating and how we should get our food he said "chivalry is not dead in the state of west virginia, you ladies have a 10 second head start to get in line for lunch...10...9...8...7...[women hurry into line]...now once you ladies get done fixing a plate for your man, you can get back in line..."...see what he did there, he had you thinking one thing and then boom he flips it around on you...that is funny shit...so heres another joke he told in regards to making sure we clean up our trash, "the DNR is trying to re-populate this area with bears..now whats happening is that you guys are throwing these napkin wrappers on the ground and then the bears are finding them and they are taking them back to their den and using them as condoms..."...once again, you probably expected to hear him say something like the bears were eating them and choking to death...but youre not too smart sooo...well...what else can i say, the rafting was fun, i highly recommend you do it if you havent...a couple people in our group got knocked out of their raft but no one died...the rapids were relatively tame, but there were still some big ass swells that we ran into, and we did hit one class 5 rapid...we were rafting on the "new river" which passes under that 800+ft high bridge in west virgina, the 3rd tallest bridge in the world and the longest arched bridge anywhere which was a pretty cool sight, i am amazed by the things people have built...with legos...i mean have you been to lego land?...        in the hills around the river there are a lot of ghost towns that were deserted when mines dried up...we could see a few deserted remains from the river...i always find that shit interesting...the mystery of it or something...what were those people like?...what was life like back then?...who knows...we tend to romanticize our history, life probably sucked back then...as it does now...as it always will...so after rafting there was a whole pig roast thing where they roasted 2 big pigs...it was pretty sick...we have become so far removed from the source of our meat that actually seeing a pig get roasted and then dining on its flesh was a bit...different...its kind of sad how poorly we treat livestock and how we slaughter them (there is a great HBO documentary on this subject)...but hey, we are higher on the food chain i guess...        one thing i realized while camping is that there are a LOT of bugs...and that bugs are really dumb...okay, why are they drawn to lights?...and once they are drawn to the light, why do they just stay there?...like i can understand them saying "hey, that bright thing over there looks neat!, im gonna go check it out!! wohoo!!!"...but once they get there and realize its not doing anything for them but hurting their eyes, why do they stay?...in they daytime why dont they fly to the sun?...i mean if you want to kill bugs you dont even have to tempt them with anything good like cheese or something, you just put out a light and the dumb bastards will come flying to it like "neat!!...something bright!!!"...oh, and why is it just flying bugs that are attracted to light?...you never see ants trekking their way to a light at night...does this make sense to anyone?...i dunno...after the roast we hung out, played frisbee, volleyball, sat around the camp fire, whatever...        the whole trip made my ass sore, first we sat in the car, then we sat on the boat and around camp, then we sat in the car again...on the way home we decided to take the scenic route and ran across some really beautiful waterfalls along hwy 60, i was awed by one that was about 50ft high and the water cascaded across many rocks on its way down...you could climb up the side and sit at the half way point where the water trickled across mostly horizontal rocks...it was beautiful...but other than that, the ride home sucked...too long....someone really needs to develop a teleporter...once we got back to ann arbor i had to give my friend and her friend a ride home and my car isnt really that big and they had a lot of shit from camping so they decided they would just load up the back seat and then just both sit in the front passenger seat...so as we are driving home of course we pass a cop who pulls out behind us...and we were just like "oh fuck!" because its not like they could duck out of the way, it was extremely conspicuous...so i just quickly made a turn and drove around the block and luckily the cop didnt follow us... so thats my story...that is all...go away...

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an update so large, i broke it into paragraphs... calitripication i swear, if you're ever told that you have 1 day left to live, hop into a car with my friend jeff and drive to california with him...your last day will feel like an eternity...no just joking, driving out to california wasnt that bad...it was just jeffs company...i mean how many times did he think i wanted to listen to him sing backstreet boys songs?...10-15 times would have been ok but he didnt sing them at ALL...i was like "DUDE, i didnt bring my collectors edition machine autographed backstreet boys cd cos i thought we could just hold hands and sing the songs together..."...he wanted to hold hands but he wasnt down with the singing...no just joking, um...so we planned to leave at 6am on thursday but jeff called me at 6:30am and was like "i feel like shit" and i was like "so do i" so we used surprisingly good judgement and decided that we should get some more rest before we started off on our journey...besides, we figured we could make up the time by averaging 136mph through iowa, nebraska, and wyoming...so, we ended up leaving ann arbor at about 11am...by 12 we were about 5 miles from home...f ing construction...but our drive through michigan, indiana, illinois and iowa went quite smoothly and i had brought a bunch of bubble wrap along so we had plenty of entertainment...        now, for some reason jeff decided that he wanted to try and drive the entire way himself and i didnt argue with him much because driving sucks...and jeff tends to scratch and bite when he doesnt get his way...i got enough of that from my sister when i was younger...and the cat...but i deserved what i got from the cat, although i still think he should have enjoyed that ride in the dryer i gave him more than he did...my sister was just mean, can you believe she would scratch a little angel like me?...but i digress, when you are driving you have to be aware so in effect you are concious of each mile marker that you pass and each minute that goes by...when youre a passenger you can drift off and be unconcious of time...unless youre driving with jeff because you will be subjected to conversation that is even more mindnumbingly boring than watching the painted dashes pass you by...i think the trick to not going insane while you drive is to not focus on your driving...that way you will end up swerving off the road into the median wall and you will be unable to continue on...you may get hurt, but you wont go insane...jeff just bought his car so like the baby that he is he decided that he should keep his eyes on the road...but we played this one game where one person thinks of a movie title and then the other person has to think of another movie title that starts with the last letter of the movie title the other person said...jeff kept coming up with titles like "debbie does dallas" and "forrest hump"...and i was just like are you sure all of those boxes in your trunk are clothes?...and why are they labeled "porn a-i", etc.?...so we played that movie title game for a large part of the trip and while it may sound stupid, it is...but still, it passed the time...        things started to get tough when we got into nebraska, a very long, flat, and boring state...oh and it was night time by now and for some reason people kept flashing their lights at us, both oncoming traffic and the people we passed...we could never figure out why, the best guess we could come up with was that jeffs car has those new brighter headlights and the people in those parts of the country had never seen them before so they thought he was driving with his high beams on...i dont know, maybe it was because i was hanging out the window flipping everybody off...so by the time we got like half way into wyoming, jeff was having difficulty driving without swerving like a drunk and i was just as tired because i couldnt sleep in the car since jeff packed his "clothes" all behind my seat so that my seat back couldnt recline past a 90 degree angle (straight up)...so we decided that we should stop and get some rest...by this time it was about 4am...the car was too cramped for comfort, it was freezing outside, and the only rest area for miles was closed...so we decided to get a hotel room so we could sleep some...but we were only going to sleep until daylight which was like 3hrs away so when we got to the hotel i suggested that we just crash in the hotel lobby or something...so we walked around the hotel looking for a place to sleep and there happened to be these 2 chairs on the second floor of the lobby...so we sat down there and fell asleep to paranoid thoughts of the hotel staff, whom we could hear talking on the floor below, finding us...every so often someone who was checking out of their room would walk by us and if i was half concious i would kinda sit up a bit and try to look like i was supposed to be there...however you do that...so once we had our 3hrs of sleep we walked out of the hotel and went on our way again...        once we got into utah the scenery started to get interesting...and the movie title game was getting real challenging since we had already named off about 4324234 movie titles that could no longer be used...so blah blah blah we got to las vegas and drove down the main strip...the casinos were amazing...but we decided not to stop and walk around since it took us over 30min just to drive the over populated mile long strip...and jeff accidentally ran someone over because i was distracting him by arguing that making generalizations about groups of people is wrong...we think the guy we ran over was french though, so you know, no loss...we had originally wanted to check out the grand canyon but we decided that it was too far out of our way...as we were driving out of vegas though we realized that we were passing close by the hoover dam...we figured we should visit at least one place where we could potentially fall to our death and we took a detour to the hoover dam...it was tall...i asked it if it played basketball...it gave no reply...so after that nothing really interesting happened until we got to california where we ran into a dust storm...everything looked really hazy and there was this dust floating in the air that looked like smoke and jeff was like "maybe los angeles has been bombed and this is the fallout"...so i was like "that is the most outrageous idea i have ever heard of...this dust is most likely just some sort of force field created by aliens to block the sun, thereby killing us...."...but yeah, it was just a dust storm...caused by aliens...but we made it to los angeles at about 11pm on Friday night...the trip was a lot less painless than i had anticipated...my thoughts on los angeles are as follows: too many people (sure its interesting to people watch, but when youre trying to get from point A to point B and there are 3453456634 people in your way it can be annoying), nice vegatation (palm trees and other tropical plants), nice sights (ocean, women, etc.), very diverse...and they seemed nice...although they could have been snobs because there did seem to be a lot of wealthy people there...i dont know, some people would say that the people in ann arbor are snobs but i havent noticed....that may just be because i am too good to associate with them so im not around it...        the worst part about the trip was not the drive out, but the flight back...i flew from los angeles to phoenix, az and then from there to detroit...my flight to phoenix wasnt bad other than it was delayed and overbooked...on my flight from phoenix to detroit, though, things started off with a flight attendant closing an overhead compartment on my head...she tried to play it off like "oh this is just a new service we are offering to our passengers...you can be knocked unconscious so that you will be oblivious to the incredibly cramped seats we put you in and the incredibly bad food we will serve you..."...oh just joking, it didnt hurt and i didnt care, it was an accident...but let me tell you, being tall is no picnic...more like a barbecue...a barbecue where everyone continually asks you if you play basketball...so my second flight from arizona back to michigan wasnt as great...being cramped together with a bunch of people for a long period of time is just not fun...ok, i just thought of a few specific situations which could be fun...but not involving a plane...ok, i just thought of one involving a plane...hey, i think jeff has a movie of that....hmm, anyways...after 4hrs of being in the plane we got to detroit and started to descend...youd think this would have made me happy, and it would have if the dumbasses in charge of the plane didnt forget to equalize that cabin pressure...as we descended i started feeling this pain in my ears which just kept growing and growing...i looked around wondering if it was just me and noticed a few people around me visibly holding back their pain and messing with their ears...somehow the cabin pressure got screwed up and that of course is not good for your ears...it wasnt just the little ear popping pressure change, it was painful...the best way i can describe it is imagine someone ramming a pencil down your ear canal...then multiply that by 2345234...then divide it by 2345234...at the peak of it i totally lost my hearing and was ready to rip my ears off my head...not because they hurt, just cos i heard vincent van gogh did it and i thought itd be cool to do...but eventually the air came on and the pressure was restored to normal...i still couldnt hear very well and i had this constant wind noise over everything...i was really worried that i had caused some permanent damage to my ears cos even by the time i got out of the airport my ears were still messed up...i had decided i was just gonna take a cab home from the airport because i didnt want to bother anyone with giving me a ride home at 1am sunday night...so i was in real bad shape, i could hardly hear and as the stereotype dictates, my cab driver was not too good with english....i kept having to have him repeat his questions and sometimes i never got them, i dont really like asking someone to repeat themselves more than twice...so usually at that point ill just give a random generic answer and if they seem satisfied with it then i leave it be...so, he ended up driving me to chicago...whoops...not really...i got home...and i think my ears are ok...

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moving after i helped my sister move out to colorado, driving 20+ hrs straight, i swore that i would never do anything like that again, or at least never volunteer to...time just passes incredibly slow when you are driving long distances...every time an hour passes by you look at the clock and realize that it wasnt an hour, it was 5 minutes...if you round up...but luckily, i was not even able to volunteer to help my friend move out to california...he selected me...saying that i was the only one he could stand being in a car with for 40hrs or something...well let me tell you, being 'easy to get along with' is not a good thing...all while you are growing up you will always be the one who has to share a room with someone...cos you cant put together the 2 kids who always fight cos well, theyd always fight...we live in a twisted world...so yeah, im heading out to los angeles, california tomorrow...a destination 2300 miles from home...1000 miles beyond colorado...oh my god, what was i thinking when i agreed to this...im going to be in a car for like 2 days straight...with no access to email...shit...i dont expect it to be that fun really, but to me it is an opportunity to see just what it was like to be one of the original settlers of america, when they first headed out west...except we wont be killing any native americans along the way...unless they stand in the middle of the road, we do have a time schedule to keep...cheryl, i took that like directly out of an email i wrote you...im recycling material here, this is not good...you know, sometimes i just have nothing to write...or say...ok, most of the time i have nothing to say...but um, when i hit a spot like this i often wonder if ill ever think of another thing to write...its kind like that song by bruce springsteen, and let me just say that i have NEVER EVER owned a bruce sprinsteen album, nor would i ever buy one...im strictly a new kids on the block fan...but there was that song "you cant start a fire without a spark", well you cant write shit without a spark either...and sometimes that spark just isnt there...and ive tried to create the spark by doing things like randomly smashing the keys of my keyboard to see if anything inspiring comes out, but all i get is stuff like: awo;pfu ef-9[awupfsdfsdfasdfpojap;jea0fg= 23pkef['pwakefg[ [w'erg[f=0iw4['w3pktggmfkjv,dldjff your typical "asdf" sequence is there, and the word "wake", but nothing else intelligible really...hey, Qwerty is the name of the guy that invented the keyboard right?...ok, then whoever told me that is evil because i was trying to sound all smart one time like "hey, interesting fact guys, you see the first 6 keys on your keyboard?...well, they spell "Qwerty", the name of the guy who invented the telephone..."...and they were like "what the f are you talking about, the keys on a keyboard were placed according to the letters frequencies in the english language, not cos of some guys name"...so i was just like "ah, but you didnt phrase your answer in the form of a question"...and they were like "what are you talking about?, we're not on wheel of fortune"...obviously they did not like me correcting them so i was just like "whatever, shut up, subject has changed, move on..."....but seriously, john crapper did invent the toilet right?...or was someone else just f ing with me?...ok, shut up, subject has changed, move on...i remember when i was out in colorado with my sister we were crossing this street one time and this guy in a passing van whistles at her and she says to me "men suck"...and im like hey, i resent that remark...and shes like ah, youre more woman than man..so im like phew!... ok, now i need to pack...i dont want to wait until morning to do it cos then i wont have any time to do my makeup...

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weather yeah, so the warm weather is coming i guess...for some reason when i think of summer i keep thinking of those 90+ degree, 100% humidity days we had last summer and it doesnt sound too appealing...but its not 90+ degrees every day all summer is it?...i cant remember...heres something i wrote last summer: yeah, it was hot this weekend...we had a picnic thing outside on saturday and everyone had sweat dripping down their face...people would ask things like "would you pass the butter?" and get replies like "no, im not moving...someone blow me...i mean blow on me...im hot..."...the thing is that the hot weather wasnt the reason the person wouldnt pass the butter, the person who requested it just forgot to say "please"...remember that...

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thinking i swear...for every 5 minutes of conversation i have, i spend like an hour thinking about it afterwards...im either a deep thinker or retarded...or neither...and 5 minutes of conversation with me is like 2 words...unless the other person is talking...even so, the long silences caused by me probably average out the conversation to like 1 word per minute...dont ever call me long distance...its a waste of money...instead, just put a sea shell up to your ear and pretend the ocean sound is just me saying nothing...you wont notice a difference...oh come on, im not that bad...now youre just being mean...but um...so i ate at chilis tonight (f you cheryl...and since its virtually impossible to tell 'how' i am saying that, let me clarify that i mean it affectionately...cheryl teases me cos i eat at chilis a lot...i mean come on, is it so strange that i keep a chilis menu in my car and have them on quick dial on my telephone?...is it so strange that i spend more time at chilis than i spend with my family?...by the way, be sure to check out my favorite website, www.chilis.com)...yeah so i actually had a conversation with the waitress tonight which i normally never do...usually im just like "bring me another coke, bitch...whoops, i dropped my fork on the floor could you bend over and pick it up?...yeah thats it...oh yeah"...no i dont do that...at least not all the time...9 out of 10 maybe, but not all the time...no really, i realize that its a pain in the ass to wait on people so i try to make their job as easy as possible...i usually eat alone ever since my bastard "friend" jeff, fellow chilis lover, moved to california...so i always bring something to read or write with me when i eat alone so that i look like some scholar and not some loser with no friends...it totally worked too cos my waitress was like "you doing homework?" and i was like "yes" (conversation dies)....ha, no seriously she asked me where i was going to school and all that...turns out she is a student at emu studying early education...she has some big certification tests tomorrow...hope she does well...see all of the interesting shit i learned?...me neither...no actually, its interesting to talk to people...but i havent actually thought for an hour about my conversation with the chilis waitress...20 minutes max...ok, maybe 30...whoops, i just drifted off and thought about it for another 10 min so make that 80 min...yep, i was lying when i said only 30...no really, i was thinking about a different conversation...one i had with myself while i was driving in my car...thats normal, right?...i mean, its not like i just sit in my car and talk to myself...i use hand puppets... heres your english lesson for the day, brought to you by rachel: if you want to say something like "her and i read the book", DONT SAY "HER and i"...say "SHE and i"...now, the way you can remember this is that if you remove the "and i" from the sentence it should still make sense...cleary "HER read the book" makes no sense while "SHE read the book" makes perfect sense...so, i dont really care if you say "her and i" or not but if you say it around rachel, she will punch you...trust me, i get beaten everyday for my punctuation (well, lack of actually)...no really, she lives in new zealand...im out of reach...

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im sure youve seen the public service announcements that are supposed to scare people from smoking...here's my public service announcement: Just say "No" to Hockey Player Haircuts

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cute lets start our discussion today by reading a passage from an email from the only person who reads this page and the owner of annabelle (the cutest dog, period), cheryl: I saw the pillows move on the spare bed and her dumbass puppy face popped out, and I was all, "AWWWWWW, you ARE the cutest creature on earth!" I was weakened by the cuteness. weakened by the cuteness indeed...when my little brother was a baby i remember my dad saying "he's lucky he's so cute or we'd throw him out the window", or something like that...we were currently in the top story of the sears tower building, so yes, it was a death threat...but his point being that babies can get away with a lot of shit just cos theyre cute...they cry, they require consant attention, they crap their pants...but we put up with it because they are so irresistable...and child abuse is punishable by law...so this got me wondering, what is "cute"?...why do we percieve some things as cute (anna) and other things (centipedes) as being repulsive?...is it related to a percieved threat by that thing?...like things that most people percieve as cute (rabbits, squirrels, teddy bears, nerf balls, etc.) are not dangerous...but things that many people think are uncute (snakes, spiders, scorpians, the dark, etc.) can be dangerous...like things that taste bad are things your body thinks you shouldnt be eating, and things that look bad are things that your body thinks you should stay away from...its a primative guidance system...now that we have developed such advanced minds, we really dont need to rely so much on our primative senses and they can in fact even be misleading to us now...for instance, the reason we crave sugar is probably supposed to be an encouragement to eat fruit...but, now that we can extract the sugar out of things and make candy that is basically solid sugar, our body still tells us that its a good thing to eat even tho we know there is no nutritional value to it...so, i think sight is similar...we percieve certain things as repulsive because lets say at one time a long long time ago we used to live out in the dangerous forests and our body needed some way to tell us to stay the hell away from those hairless things that slide along the ground with no legs...beauty on the other hand is our body telling us something is safe, or a healthy mate, or something...i remember awhile ago seeing some female models auctioning off their eggs on the net so that people could have "beautiful" children of their own because "it has been proven that beautiful people are treated better by society"...uh...tell that to the beautiful little girl who is getting sexually abused by her uncle...but um...i think we do tend to treat attractive people differently than unattractive people...like if some ugly moron cuts in front of me in a line im like "you stupid dumb f*cking nim witted ass wipe ignorant f*ck piece of shit, the line starts back there" and if some cute girl does the same thing im just like "stand closer to me please, you smell good..."...no um...but yeah...or no...yes?...what?...stand closer to me...who are you?...yeah, no idea what im trying to say here......and please dont email me saying "hey, i think spiders are cute"...thats great, whatever, your genetics are obviously screwed up...

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i was extremely bored today and i was looking thru my files at school and i found my old resignation email from the Computer Aided Engineering Network Hotline at uofm: > ...thanks for > letting me work there for a semester, maybe i didnt learn that much about > the CAENetwork, but i learned something more important than that > dammit...i learned that there is no reason to buy pens when you can just > steal them from work...yeah, you were wondering why there were never any > pens to write anything down with werent you..well, let me confess, I STOLE > ALL THE PENS...yeah thats right, ive got a whole closet full of them at > home...no, im just kidding, i didnt steal anything...when people were > looking....but seriously, you were all great to work with there at the > hotline, have a good semester and im sure ill see you around... > > -lars so basically the job was helping students with computers...we'd help people who came in or called in but there was never any pens around to write down info from people who called...they basically expected us to prick holes in our fingers and write things out in blood or something...i dont know about you, but the only way im sticking a needle in me is if its a syringe full of herion... i was gonna write something about procrastination but i think im just gonna do that tomorrow...

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assholes i was getting a bagel at the bagel shop this morning and this guy in front of me was buying a bunch of bagels and just rattling off what he wants and it turned out that they only had like 6 whole wheat bagels and he wanted 12 or something so the girl is like "if you call ahead we can make sure that we have enough bagels to fill your order"...and the guys like im sick and tired of blah blah blah, youre the bakery and you want ME to call ahead?...this is ridiculous...blah blah blah...i dont know exactly what he said, but he was very angry and he took it out on the girl stuck helping him who was visibly upset by what he said...he basically expects them to have an unlimited supply of bagels so that his big random orders can always be filled whenever he wants....well listen jackass, its called running a business, you dont cook 10,000 f ing bagels everyday just because some dumbass might stumble in and make some huge bagel request...cos if you make too many bagels then you will just end up throwing them away and that is just a waste of food and money...we should send this bitch to russia where he can wait in line for 3 days to get one stale bagel that a duck wouldnt even eat...then he might realize how stupid he is for throwing a fit at the bagel shop cos they cant fulfill his exact order in less than 5 minutes...nice people might finish last some of the time, but assholes always finish as assholes...so, you know, take your pick...

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moved to the art page

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people who call you to sell shit SUCK....there should be a law against tele-marketing...i already get at least one credit card application in the mail every damn day...i dont need some jackass calling me up at 10am on saturday morning telling me i need a phi theta kappa credit card...im like "sir, i already have 19 credit cards, my wallet is 4 inches thick...i have to have special pockets sewn onto my pants to carry it..."..."oh but this one has no annual fee, you could just put it in your wallet and use it every so often, maybe as a cutting utensil"...."uh, i dont think so"..."well think of credit cards like pokemon cards, you gotta collect them all"...yeah, so i used to have difficulty being rude to these people so id listen to them babble on and waste 30min of my day...but now i have learned to be rude to them and just hang up....and if youre wondering if this rudeness has carried over into other parts of my life the answer is no, you idiot, what a stupid thing to say, im hanging up on you...but um...now i just keep my computer connected to the internet all the time...not to keep the line busy so tele-marketing people cant call, im just downloading porn...joking...

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i am a dumbass...if you dont believe me, just look at what someone said to me the other day: "dumbass" well...i think that one thing that makes me seem like a dumbass is my inability to keep a conversation going...often someone will ask me a question and ill just give some stupid short uninteresting answer and the conversation will die...then later ill think about the conversation and be like, what the hell, why didnt i say this?...or that?...or the other thing?...i mean, i think i could really thrive in a world that was like that movie "ground hog day"...have you seen it?...if not, you should cos its pretty funny and maybe you would understand what im saying for once...so the basic idea of the movie is this guy gets stuck in one day that keeps repeating over and over...now if this happened to me it would be great, i could get a second chance on all of those converstations i accidentally exterminated...like lets say during the course of a day i were asked this question: do you like pez? initially i would probably answer the question with something stupid like: "uh...yeah...i guess" (conversation dies) then later i would reflect back on this conversation and wish that i had said something like: "thats a very interesting question and im glad you asked....do you know that pez is made from a strain of sugar cane originally found in southeast asia?...because as far as i know, its not...now, the word "pez" is actually latin for "candy in stupid dispenser"...in other words, pez means the same thing in latin as it does in english because its not a latin word..." now you see, thats a much better response and could lead into all sorts of other interesting conversations like: -youre trapped on a desert island and you can only have one thing: pez or an airplane that could fly you off the isalnd and back to land...which do you choose? -could mcgyver build a radio transmitter out of just pez and some radio transmitter parts? -i know youre not supposed to take candy from strangers, but is it ok to take pez from strangers?... -if you lived in a house made of pez, could you throw rocks at your neighbors?...

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this is total crap, but im recieving pressure from various sources to update my page... more snippets any correspondance to anyone living or dead is purely your imagination this may sound lame, but i think im just gonna go home and sleep for new years eve...nothing against yourself or your friends, but youre all pretty crazy right? and im pretty quiet and i dont know anyone, id be like a total outsider...i dont really mind, but i have been watching Animal Planet and i have seen what packs of lions do to other lions that try to join their group...i dont want to get eaten, and i dont think id even taste that good...maybe with a little salt...will there be salt at the party?...cos if so theres no way im going, too risky...im not saying im opposed to partying on new years eve, but like ending a year just isnt really anything i can get excited about...ending a semester, hell yeah, but a year?...like oh good, im one year closer to death...and ill write the wrong year on everything for a few months...like what is so great about the year changing from 1998 to 1999?...its completely meaningless...its a number...if there were some new law going into effect at the start of 1999 like the legalization of crack then i would have something to get excited about..but whats going to happen?...besides a big apple falling, absolutely nothing... ok, so your sister isnt interested in me...how about one of your brothers maybe?...im KIDDING...what about your mom tho?...or do you have any pets?...but seriously, how do i get back to land? (im sinking)...i dont know, usually when i mug someone i am pretty brutal, even when i dont have a grudge against the person...if you arent brutal, you risk having them come after you....best thing to do is just catch them off guard, knock them out, take their money and run...a lot of people dont know this tho, so they end up trying to mug people and they get themselves hurt...people can get quite violent when you try to mug them, and i think its important that people know this so they are sure to always try and knock their victims out when they are mugging them...you often see these public service annoucements saying things like "don't do drugs" or "objects in mirror may be closer than they appear" but what about "don't mug people if you havent knocked them out"?...i think a lot of people are getting hurt out there just because they dont know any better, i mean, it might be fairly obvious to me and you how important it is to knock your victim out, but its not something that is taught in school....we teach children math, but we dont teach them how to mug people?....wait a second, did i say mug?....i meant hug... in general tho, i think relationships tend to start out formal and get more casual as time goes on...at first, you are real careful of what you say and how you say it and you hide all your imperfections because you don't want to be rejected...its like going into an interview, you try to make yourself look as good as you can, like "I am a real workaholic, often times I will work 8hrs and not take a single break"...but once you've got your foot in the door, that gets thrown out the window and you cant even work 30 min without taking a break to play a game of solitare....as you get to know someone better you get more comfortable with them and more casual...i personally am not one for formalities, i wouldnt get offended if i went out to eat with someone and they didnt put their napkin in their lap...but if they put their elbows on the table, that would really fucking piss me off....and if they ate their dinner with the salad fork i would just get up and walk out...sometimes people are so rude...oh, im joking...except about the salad fork...i thought there was something else i wanted to say...ok, what i am i forgetting?...i mean besides punctuation... wow, i am totally into interpretive dancing too...i like to pretend that im a rock...i just sit perfectly still and do nothing...it fools a lot of people tho...they think im trying to be a statue, but when i tell them i am actually just doing a rock they all say that i am excellent at it...i think thats what its all about tho, hearing other peoples interpretations of your work...some people feel that what i do isnt even dancing because it doesnt involve any movement, these are probably the same people who said that abstract painting was not art when it was first introduced...im starting a whole revolution in the dancing world, you play your cards right and you can be a part of it all.... this same problem that i have had with performace art also shows up in the other forms of art which i actively participate in....im not sure if you are aware of this, but i am more into object orientated art than performance art...and i think that one of the greatest pieces i have created was just a blank canvas called "the perfect picture"...i think you can now see the parallel im drawing here, doing a painting with no paint is similar to doing interpretive dancing with no movement...when i turned this piece of artwork in to my teacher she was like "this is just a blank canvas" and i was like "is it?"...you see, this piece of artwork was based on a literary trick...you know how if an author wants to have a character in their book who is perfectly "beautiful" they often leave out a lot of the specific descriptions of the character so that they can be filled in by the reader?...this method is necessary because we all have a different idea of what is perfect, like the author could say "her eyes were the perfect mixture of color and emotion" or they could say "her eyes were 35% color and 65% emotion"...in the second case the reader is forced to agree that 35% color and 65% emotion is the best mixture for eyes...well, not everyone thinks this, some may think 82% color and 18% emotion is perfect...this is why the first phrase is more preferable....so, back to my piece of artwork, by leaving the entire canvas blank i left it up to the viewer to fill in the specific details of what the painting actually consists of...in this way, each viewer can create their ideal piece of art upon my canvas with their imagination....this is how i came to the name "the perfect painting"... listen, i blame everything on other people...theres 5 billion people in the world, you can always find someone...yesterday i was unable to do my homework because this bastard in canada was watching tv so i had to go home and watch tv too...but seriously, i blame as much as i can on myself because you have the power to change things that are your own fault...things that arent your fault are a little harder to fix... hi samantha

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punctuation people sometimes give me a little flak about my lack of punctuation and capitalization...but the way i see it, punctuation and capitalization are tools and should be used in any way the author wants in order to make their point, or whatever...if you think of writing as something like art then you could think of punctuation and grammar as paint and brush technique...now, we would be pretty stupid to limit artists to only using certain paint in certain places and certain brushstrokes in certain areas wouldnt we?... that would limit the amount of creativity and expression that an artist could convey thru their paintings...well isnt writing the same?...cant one convey different moods with different types of punctuation?...like on this site im trying to convey a laid back, informal, chaotic, flowing, nonsensical type of mood...and i think i do a very good job of not making sense and my use of punctuation enhances that...writing is already restrictive enough, why make it even more restrictive by saying things like "you must put two spaces after a period"...im not saying that standard punctuation is bad, it has its place, like instruction manuals, im just saying that we dont need to force all writing to be so structured...treat it like abstract art...look at it and think "hey, ive seen pre-schoolers make stuff like that...what is this doing in a museum?"...no but seriously...what am i talking about?...im flinging paint...

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snippets any correspondance to anyone living or dead is purely coincidental as far as what makes you happy tho, i dont know, i think it has a lot to do with your overall attitude...it is definitely not