As I would have years ago, I crammed them into my mouth, hoping to kill the pain before it got any worse. I'd probably need some ice. My anger from that morning was beginning to die, but when I felt eyes upon my back, it flared again, burning anew.
"Who's next!" I half-cried, slumping my shoulders as I dropped the bow.
"Easy now," said my father.
Here we go.
*****
She was with my brother and a man, Jenner, who I had not met before, but I had no curiosity about him. I wondered how I would say what I needed to say without hurting her; indeed, it would probably be more than impossible, to tell the truth. We were able to retire to a side room of the castle, where I bade her sit down.
Sadly, haltingly, I began the words that I thought I had crafted as best I could; that I had learned of her feelings for me, and that, sadly, I did not return those feelings in the same way.
She absorbed my words; and as I began to tell her my lame equivalent to "plenty of fish in the sea," she spoke. She spoke in a tone that surprised me; her anger began to boil over, seething. How dare I assume to know her feelings. How dare I stand there, the pillar of my own nobility, and patronize her, all in the guise of being kind.
I was shocked, to say the least. I hadn't come there for my own sake; it was to help her get over what she obviously must be feeling. Or was it? I didn't want her to feel the anguish of something that I could not return. Or was it I? Mostly, she needed to realize that what she was feeling was a good thing, just... not applied to me. Or did I realize that I was not someone who deserved such attention?
I shoved the more introspective thoughts aside as a great and furious anger of my own boiled into a miasma of hate. I found the words of spite and shame flowed all to quickly to my lips, some cruel part of me finding joy in watching the blood drain from her face.
The remark about Jenner, I believe, was more than several meters Over The Line. I saw the knickknack coming from her hand, and I caught it, setting back on the ground. Rather than say something I truly regretted, I stormed off, forgetting able about Gen and the mission she wanted to undertake.
Great Job, Dr. Barimen.
*****
I kicked about the halls, hoping not to run into anyone. I've been angry like this before, and people have been hurt just for being too close. A page down the hall saw me coming and smartly stepped quickly in the opposite direction.
It wasn't too long before I knew she was following me, and I sighed, turning to face her. She didn't seem as irate as before, but her face definitely showed annoyance, or at least consternation. She pulled me into a nearby room, and the discussion continued, this time more subdued than before.
The problem, of course, is that she's of the mind that some things should not be said. My feelings are different -- to me, you can't live your life in quiet desperation that the object of your affection will someday notice you. Her argument that her faith and situation was different enough to give her leeway here did give me pause. I'd never had such a faith before, so I can't appreciate the force that goes along with such a thing. But it was her insistence that we just pretend that this fight never occurred... I think it that request, that suggestion, the one that brought my heart the lowest.
I looked at her, her short brown hair and brilliant blue eyes.
Who knows what could have happened if she'd just said something to me...
Somehow, I knew things would never be the same again, and I just nodded, leaving her and the room while taking my thoughts and burdens with me.
*****
Benny came looking for me a few moments after while I stalked about the library, trying to calm down. Unfortunately, Ben seemed to be nothing but an extension of Gwyn at that moment, and I found myself soon yelling at him as I misdirected dome more anger.
Then, the one thing I had not done before -- he turned from me, then, offering the forbidden fruit of some knowledge he was not willing to part with, and I struck at him, cuffing him across the side of his jaw. His anger sparked, he jumped at me; we rolled about the floor until I subdued him, and that only served to anger him more. But I would not relent until he said those magic words...
"Gwyn. I'm in love with her."
Gods, were Dworkin and the Unicorn somewhere having a great laugh?
*****
"Why don't you tell her?" I asked / demanded.
He sighed, clearly bothered by my questioning. In fact, he avoided it until I'd pestered again and again. Finally, Mount Benjamin exploded.
"She doesn't even see me when we're in the same room!" he cried. "She only has eyes for you. I've always had to live under your shadow..."
Ben trailed off, as if the implications of what he'd said bothered even himself. As for me, I felt like he dropped a Cadillac on my chest. In all my life, I'd never wanted to do anything like that to my brother. Sure, we'd had scuffles and such, but nothing so serious as this last hour.
I've always had to live in your shadow...
I left before all my illusions fell to the floor to shatter at my feet.
*****
Caine, along with the help of a double shot of bourbon, helped to bring my heart rate back down to somewhere approaching normal. Which was odd, because my father hadn't been that astute about events in the last week. I guess sometimes I give him less credit than he deserves... today, at the least, he absorbed all my crap and handed me some things to think over.
I'm making my way up towards the castle again, not sure exactly what to do with myself. I missed Gen for her mission -- I think she'll forgive me, as she saw how irritated I was when she Trumped earlier. The fallout from this day, I fear, has just begun. I've pissed off my brother, maybe the closest person to me right now... and maybe my best friend in this world I will not be able to see without the guilt of not being what she wanted hitting me, hard.
I went into this day only wanting that the people around me could be happy, even if that meant I had to let them down now.
I can only hope I don't screw up the last good thing I have left.
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