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Monday, August 22, 2005

A glimpse into the future

Election Day 2008
7 AM, EST: Polls open on the east coast.
7:45 AM: Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton concedes to Republican Bill Frist, citing the need for national unity. Clinton said: "I will not put America through the trauma of 37 days of indecision, like Al Gore did, or even 18 hours like John Kerry did. And even though I opposed Senator Frist's plans to bring some of our troops home and to allow the use of stem cells in medical research, I call for all Americans to stand behind him and give him your full support."
10:15 AM: Reports out of the green zones in Baghdad, Tehran, Pyongyang and Caracas indicate that progress is being made on all four constitutions.
11:07 AM: Reports out of Baghdad indicate that an insurgent blimp bomb has destroyed Basra.
12:30 PM: President Bush calls for America to stay the course in all twelve quagmires, and for Americans to unite behind apparent President-elect Frist, should Bush decide to turn power over to him.
2:30 PM: Supreme Court Justices Scalia, Thomas, Roberts, Gonzales and Ashcroft rule that all votes for Democrats are invalid, giving the Republicans every seat in the House and 87 seats in the Senate.
5:30 PM: Grand opening of Alaska's first water theme park. They had to wait until November for temperatures to cool down sufficiently.
6:15 PM: Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald indicts Karl Rove, Lewis "Scooter" Libby, Dick Cheney, Stephen Hadley and Donald Rumsfeld for their involvement in leaking the names of CIA agents Valerie Plame and Rush Limbaugh to the media.
6:30 PM: President Bush issues a pre-emptive pardon to all indicted members of his administration and declares Fitzgerald to be an enemy combatant.
8:00 PM: Osama bin Laden releases a new video, saying "Oops, I thought the election was tomorrow. Death to the infidel, yada yada yada."
10:00 PM: Vice President Cheney reminds the country that we are fighting the terrorists in New Jersey so we don't have to fight them in Texas.
10:15 PM: Fox News declares Frist the winner.
10:25 PM: Fox News issues a correction--"We thought the election was tomorrow."
11:00 PM: Cindy Sheehan announces plans to move Camp Casey to Tennessee.