Cordelia, Diary 4Walking out in the world is fascinating. There are so many people busy at so many tasks. It's louder than I expected, and the odors are stronger. I want to learn what those people were doing and how to do it myself. I want to know where all those noises and smells come from. I expect that I won't like a lot of it, but until I test it I won't know. I've spent decades in Evara's narrow idea of what I should do and know and where I should go. It's a little terrifying, though. I keep expecting someone to come and drag me off for reprogramming. Small steps. I was silly to think I could just step out of my old life and forget it.
Part of me would just like to stay in my new room and never come out. I don't have to. There's nothing making me do it. It's not like the blue apple place where I had to be active to survive. Here, they'll bring me whatever I ask for without my needing to do more than call a servant. I could let fear rule me, but that would be letting the masters win.
I didn't handle meeting the King well at all. Merlin should have told me what to do. I still don't know what I should have done. All I could think of was clasping my hands and bowing my head the way I would while waiting for orders or permission to move. That's not how it works here; Merlin keeps telling me that, but...
I don't like Faulkner. The way he looked at me reminded me of too many things I'd rather forget. Will he stop? I don't know how that works here. Some men enjoy stalking. Merlin implied that a no from me should be respected; I'm not a slave anymore. Maybe a bit of makeup so that I look uglier...
Will Russell actual like Amber? If he wants to come, I certainly owe him at least a visit. Rebecca could escape that marriage. If all else fails, I think that as a member of the royal family I'm entitled to some sort of attendent. She could do that. I don't know if I could keep off the predators, though. She's really clueless about that, I think.
Evara and Amber are very different. Would Russell and Rebecca even like it here? A lot of the luxuries they're used to aren't here, probably wouldn't work here, and they won't necessarily be very important. I haven't seen much of how the society works here. I think I can pull it off though. Fayne has a companion, and Mythos has several. Of course, they're all adults. Would children be different? Would Russell and Rebecca be children by Amber standards?
I may not have a lot of choice about bringing them and the other children here, though. Their father's rank is new. I'm not sure how well it will stand up to my disappearance. The story I gave Russell might help, but it might not. I have no objection to scapegoating Anna since I'm only having him pretend that what she wanted actually happened. I just don't know if anyone will buy it or if it will attract her attention to him. Even if the story holds, their family will be in trouble if I bring any of them here. Another inexplicable disappearance... I think that that would really wreck them. I don't care about the father or the oldest boy. The servants should be all right, I hope, but the rest of the family I care about. I never even met the mother, but I feel very sorry for her. The impression I got from Russell is that there's not much left of her; her husband has taken it all away.
Listen to me! I want to save everyone. I learned a long time ago that that's not possible. Even if I had the power, most of them don't even want to be saved. They think things are right the way they are or that the risks are too great. The ones that dream either end up destroyed or, like me, hiding everything they are. The world's a cannibal. At least, Evara and the blue apple place are. I still don't know about Amber. The things Merlin's said about how things work here somehow don't reassure me.
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