Cordelia, Diary 3I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Merlin'd obviously recognized the name Evara. I just didn't want to really think about it. The thought of a family is still so alien. I'm not sure I want one.
It's not really like I've got much choice right now, though. The shadow I was in after Evara showed me how terribly unprepared I am to function in a normal world. I don't want to have to live that way again either. The choice between slavery and living as a vagabond in the wilderness is not that hard to make, but I'd rather be able to be a normal person living among other normal people. I think Merlin and his family can teach me that.
I wanted to hate him, to blame him. He seemed to feel so horribly guilty that I couldn't quite. I can make him feel worse; that much was obvious from our conversation. He really doesn't like thinking about my past, and I think he does feel that he should have prevented what happened to me. I'll have to think about that... It's something I can use in dealing with him if I ever need it which would mean that I should keep some details back from him until they're useful.
On the other hand, it might be better to get it over with. Given the timing, I could be his grandchild which could mean that I have a parent and possibly even siblings in Evara. These theoretical others would be his responsibility too, and I'm not sure I can condemn them to continued slavery just to maintain an edge. Well... If I'm going to be honest, Merlin doesn't seem so far like someone I need a hold over. Keeping the information back would be more a way of punishing him. Every time he thinks he's come to terms with Evara, I could reveal something new.
That's an ugly way to approach things. I don't want to be a torturer, but I do want to make somebody pay for what happened. I hadn't really thought that through before. Retaliation wasn't even a whisper of a dream. My position was just something that I had to deal with, and I had only the masters and my own natural abilities to blame, and the masters were untouchable. I've tried to train enough other artists to know that not all that many of the candidates have the spark. How many children did I see taken away to be reprogrammed into "something useful" after they failed to learn my art? How many of my teachers are still the people they were when I knew them? I know I was pushing my time limit in my "career" in Evara. I remember forty-five years of training and service.
If I want to be able to live with myself, I think I'll have to give Merlin my identification code so that he can look at the records. If I do have other kin in Evara, he should be able to find them that way. I can't imagine the masters not keeping track. I can't do it (I'm not sure I can even go back to check on Russell, and I wouldn't know the first thing about getting at the records anyway), but I'm sure he can. He has no choice.
Of course, that means he'll know what I really am. They all seem to be human here. Will it bother them that I'm not? Merlin claims I can trust him, but I think this might be putting it all to the test sooner than I'd like. If I give him that code, I won't have any secrets from him. He'll know what was done to me and what I did. I wanted to leave all of that behind me. An impossible dream, I've come to realize. I am what I was made and how I dealt with it all.
I hope that Merlin is right in his evaluation of Anna. I'd really hate to have Russell pay the price for my running from her. She's also not the only danger to him. If I were sure that Amber was a safe place, I'd ask him if he needed sanctuary. Of course, Amber may be safer than Evara right now. I'll try to reach him this evening when I get some time alone. He'll need to see me as I was, and I don't want anyone else seeing that. I don't think I could bear it.
If I can take Merlin at his word, though, I think I've got a way to start learning everything I need to know to take care of myself. I want to know everything. I don't ever want to be helpless again.
Back to Index
Back to Cordelia 2
On to Cordelia 4