I am A Sinner
1997 by Rick Lupert

I am a sinner
I've said the wrong things
to the wrong people
at the wrong times,
and then I've murdered them all
and eaten their bodies.
I'm not aware of what any of the laws are
and therefore don't follow any of them.
I have lunch with Satan every Tuesday
Not only does he already own my soul,
but I owe him three others.
I have mixed every kind of drug,
with every kind of alcohol
and then driven the streets of Los Angeles under the influence
aiming my car directly at
newlywed couples,
infants,
and frail old people.
When this doesn't work,
I usually set myself on fire,
run into day care centers
and hug all the children.
I only date married women
or people under fifteen,
or women of any age
who will take it in the ass
all the while screaming
"Rock my hiney hard, Satan Boy."
All my clothing is made out of dead animal fur,
all my furniture is constructed out of rain-forest tree wood
(except for my entertainment center which is made out of
elephant tusks)
and the only foods I eat are
veal,
dolphin,
meat from endangered species,
and head cheese.
For creative output, I write poetry,
but only misogynistic verse
or poems about my penis.
I believe the world revolves around my penis,
and so does it.
These are my sins.
This is my confession.
Please,
forgive me.