MSE 250 Creative Writing

by
Students of the 9:30 lecture

Chapter 1

10/28/92

As our hero was slowly driven out of his mind by the MSE 250 lecture, he heard a strange buzzing sound. It grew louder and he didn't see where it was coming from. All of a sudden he saw everyone running out of the room. He was confused, but went along with the crowd. As he ran outside, he saw that what used to be an ugly white sculpture had turned into an anemic offspring of the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man! A mad dash into the EECS atrium only made matters worse as the anemic offspring smashed through the front of the building looking for people to eat. Among one of the innocent victims was the imfamous professor Gibala. He was still yapping about material defects. Nobody seemed to mind so the offspring ran off to find professor Laine. The monster found professor Laine drinking expresso in his office so the monster thought 'ohh, and expresso flavored professor' and quickly ate him up. I.W. Chen was yelling, "No... No... do not eat Professor!" But the monster didn't speak chinese. So the monster piked up I.W. Chen and took a bite, but then began gasping because of the awful taste. "Ha!" laughed Chen. "A block copolymer mixture of polybutadeine and polystyrene in my clothing must have enflamed one of his taste buds!" In the meantime, the MSE 250 TA's were getting together to find a way to stop the creature, knowing that there would be big money in it for them (and the knowledge of having saved a few underclassmen lives). They began drawing phase diagrams and TTT diagrams for marshmallow fluff. Finally, they came up with a plan. They would blast away this marshmallow man with a polymeric residue.

Chapter 2

11/2/92


Our hero, Virgil Smith, was pissed that the TA's would get all the credit, so he stole some of the polymeric residue and formed discs for his disc gun. Loading them with the notch first, he looked down the hall with intense paranoia. As he glanced from left to right he saw one of the MSE TA's walking toward him. He decided to practice on the TA with the disc gun and so he took aim. But out of nowhere sprang Chen, still limping from the gangrene infested chunk taken out of his leg by the Marshmallow Man. The crush he had on the TA had been kept in the closet for a long time, and this was his chance to show his love for her. He picked up the coors hammer and began to repeatedly beat our hero over the head with it while shouting "Taste my sintered-ceramic hammer you undergraduate scum."

Chapter 3

11/4/92


Editor's Note: Chapter 3 was accidentally lost to posterity.

Chapter 4 11/9/92


Virgil woke up, his head still bleeding. The last thing he seemed to remember was fighting Chen, but other than that Chapter 3 was a blur. He stared at the three empty cases of assorted Canadian Brew, and then saw Chen lying in the corner. It looked like Chen passed out before he could finish the Canadian Brew so Virgil polished it off. Virgil soon after, passer out from all the beer he drank. He woke up a half hour later with his face in a puddle of puke and was now saying the word "eh" after every word. He vaguely remembered the Marshmallow Man, grabbed his gun, and staggered drunkenly off to find him. After a long tour of the North Campus, Virgil finally glided into Cafe Pretentious in the North Campus Commons. He was about to order a blueberry muffin when he noticed the Marshmallow Man disguised as an art/music major, wearing black depressing clothing and experimental facial hair, drink a cup of Hot cocoa (with out the little marshmallows). But before he could grab his disc gun and get off a couple of rounds the Marshmallow Man threw a half-caf double decaf caf with skin milk and a twist of lemon in his face. Virgil screamed in agony as his face proceeded to slowly deform, you see the temperature of the coffee exceeded the Tm of Virgil's skin as he slowly proceeded to melt into a small puddle on the floor of Cafe Pretentious. "oh, wow man" commented one of the art students as he puffed on his clove cigarettes and twisted his goatee in deep thought over his half-caf double decaf. Meanwhile the Marshmallow Man slipped out of the door and proceeded over to the Dow Building.

Chapter 5

11/11/92


As the Marshmallow Man got to the Dow building he saw Bryan what's-his-name coming out of the EECS building. He grabbed Bryan and ripped all his limbs off. Meanwhile, Virgil was in the process of recrystalizing after turning into a puddle. Unfortunately for sorry Virgil, he was recrystalizied in the shape of a highly attractive female. The very attractive female saw Gary what's-his-name, gasped in horror and ran off creaming. Gary was so embarrassed taht his head collapsed. Prof. Chem had by this time made his way to the Auto Lab basement and laughed, knowing that his top secret prototype and pride of the Engineering Staff would surely destroy the sadistic work of art. Chen fled the building as it transformed into a 5-story fully functional replica of Jonny Sako's robot.

Chapter 6

11/16/92


Gary of the concave head was shocked that his head imploded. He tried to pull his face out but due to the deformation the yield strength equaled the ultimate strength, so his head exploded into tiny pieces. Fortunately, Gary's brain wasn't and integral and necessary part of his body. Due to loss of all facial features, though, Gary only lost 1 point of charisma (down to a 31 out of 100). He was still capable of funtioning on a semi-normal level. By this time, the robot was up and functioning. It scratched its "head" and said "Damn, I could sure go for some expresso." Oh no, had the robot turned into an art school student or the dreaded L S and Player? Chen was ready for this and broke out his brand new anti-Artsy Fartsy reverser ray beam and zapped the robot back to normal. With new found life, the robot set about to destroy the Marshmallow Man. Unfortunately, Prof. Chen mistakenly programmed the robot to destroy anything made of marshmallows. The robot headed off towards the nearest Meijer to wreak havoc on the defenseless mini-marshmallows. The robot never locked onto the Marshmallow Man because he was hiding in the Ford Reactor at the time. He was now the Radioactive Marshmallow Man. The newly Radioactive Marshmallow Man walked out of the Ford Reactor ans saw our heroine, Virgil, a now highly attractive female, and smiled. Marshmallow Man swaggered up to our heroine and, while suavely running his pudgy finger trhough his marshmallow mop top, he tried to pick up Virgil. "hey babe, I bet you could make part of this big softy real hard." At this point Virgil whipped out her gun.

Chapter 7

11/18/92

Virgil shot two rounds into the Marshmallow MAn's groin, which took eight and on half weeks to travel the fifity-five meters. In the meantime, Prof. Chen had noticed our attractive heroine and started putting the moves on her. Virgil vainly tried to get rid of Prof. Chen as he grabbed her and tried to kiss her. Meanwhile the Conduction Band began playing "Kiss Him Good-bye."

Chapter 8

11/23/92


Devoid of all tought and reason, probably because she stayed up until five AM, our heroine went to Toledo for some night-life. But, before our heroine could even get off of North Campus she found herself sitting in the North Campus Commons sipping an expresso with Prof. Chen. As they were sitting there, the highly enraged Marshmallow Man crashed through the windows and headed for our heroine. Our heroine then proceeded to pull out her HK P9S 9mm pistol and M 79 grenade launcher. She put one round from the HK into Prof. Chen's head, between the eyes of course, and fired the M 79 at the Marshmallow Man. Suddenly, Gibala could be seen coming around the corner with his ceramic hammer. His love for Virgil was too strong. He knew the Marshmallow Man had to go. Unfortunately, Prof. Gibala remembered that he died in Chapter 1 and fell to the floor at this realization. (Editor's note: Lets not create anymore plot holes, OK?)

Chapter 9

11/25/92


The Marshmallow MAn, having no substantial body parts to detonate a grenade, watched as the grenade flew harmlessly through him. It impacted the Marshmallow Man's gallstones (which do have substance). On impact the greande exploded and parts of flaming marshmallow flew everywhere. The Marshmallow Man was now nothing more than a pile of roasted marshmallow which Virgil began to eat. Unfortunately th robot created by Prof. Chen had finished destroying the local Meijer and was on his way back to North Campus. The sight of so much exploding marshmallow overloaded the robot's programming and it went on a rampage, targeting in on Bursley Dining Hall. Unfortunately there were Rice Crispy bars for desert in the dining hall. And everyone knows marshmallows are the key ingredient in the bars. The robot smashed through the huge plate glass windows of the dining hall and proceeded to pulverize the deser island. Back at Cafe Pretentious our heroine was checking all clips and reloading in preparation to take out the robot when she noticed something on Prof. Chen's corpse.

Chapter 10

11/30/92


The remote control for the robot was on Chen's corpse, but a piece of shrapnel was stuck in it. Unfortunately Virgil was a Naval Engineer and didn't have a clue when it came to electronics. Had she been a navel engineer (a belly button engineer) she would have known how to remove the cioncidentally placed piece of shrapnel. Virgil grabbed the remote control, still containing the piece of shrapnel, and went looking for the robot. Virgil found the robot in the commons beating the shit out of Prof. Van Vlack. Van Vlack screamed for help but the whole MSE department was out of town. Van Vlack proceeded to charge his capacitors to shock the robot. Virgil simply stood watching and laughing as the robot kept pounding on Van Vlack. Pounding and pounding and pounding and pounding, after several weeks of brutal pounding the robot dragged Van Vlack over a carpet of tacks and dipped him in alcohol, followed by a liberal rolling in a bed of salt. Van Vlack's only reaction to the whole incident was to while in a pitiful child-like tone "I'll never publish again. I'll never publish again. I'll never publish again." The robot laughed hysterically and screamed "This is for the Winter '92 MSE 250 students!"

Chapter 11

11/2/92


During the time the robot was beating up Prof. Van Vlack, Virgil went to the Art School and got an arc welder. She then proceeded to weld the robot's ankle joints. It was too bad the SiO2used as an insulator in the arc welder had been replaced with simple ceramics. In a flash of light, the ceramic exploded and blew up the entire lower half of the robot. The enraged robot began to drag itself by its arms toward our heroine. When it got to our heroine it discovered that she had been killed by the explosion, so the robot then initiated self repairs and proceeded to wreak greater destruciton on Noeth Campus. Meanwhile, at the office of the Michigan Daily they heard rummors that something was happening on North Campus, but since they didn't have any "reporters" who knew what North Campus was, let alone how to find it, they ignored they story. Back on North Campus the robot was offering any passers-by a complimentary beverage before thrashing their bodies into a bloddy pulp through a process not dissimilar from a jucier.

Chapter 12

12/7/92


The robot was growing bored with all of the senseless violence. It was also sick of the music school's senseless violins. The robot looked at its watch, a Rolex, and it was 9:40 am on Wed. Heeey! The robot remembered that this was when MSE 250 was, so he returned to the room to see if there were any profs. or TA's left. As th robot busted into the room 1013 Dow he found the remaining TA's flipping a coin to see who the unluckly one would be to try to decipher Prof. Laine's notes and give lecture. The man who won the toss was a silly looking, tired, old man whose name no one could remember for more than a week. The psycho-robot proceeded to bash the silly old man's head in, all the while chanting, "Robots don't like MSE" with a stupid grin. The robot then trashed the remaining TA's and profs. and smiled with satisfaction, knowing that every MSE TA and prof. was dead. But wait, didn't Ohio State, MSU, and Notre Dame all have MSE departments? The robot's job was not yet done. As the robot was heading off to Ohio it passed the commons and smelled coffee and decided to take a quick detour to Cafe Pretentious. The robot got his espresso and was getting ready to sit down and enjoy it when he noticed that there were no seats. The robot got real mad and threw his boiling espresso at an innocent looking art student.

Chapter 13

12/9/92


The art student got annoyed at the robot for throwing the coffee. She pulled out a familar looking remote control, but it didn't have a piece of shrapnel in it. She had always wanted to be an electrical engineer but her parents made her become an art student. She presed the self destruct button and instantly, the MSE departs of every college and university in the world blew up. No one noticed at State though. She then looked up at the robot and with a smile pushed the other button on the remote control (this one was suppose to kill the robot) but, her head blew up instead. The robot breathed a sigh of relief and continued on to Ohio State, but on the way it fell in a hole where the EECS building had been. And then from out of the sky came a man clad in blue and red who dissassembled the robot and fired beams from his eyes that slagged the robot. As he left he said but one thing, "I'm not really dead, I'm just taking a four month rest." Thanks to Superman life was able to get back to normal. North Campus was rebuilt, and classes continued on as they had before Chapter 1. The End. (Editor's note: Due to time constraints the ending was just sort of tacked on.)