The San Ramon "Fuck Me" Quote List
Featuring: Abby Albrecht, Nigel Bennett, Jon Cassar, Catherine Boone, Amy Denton, Dianne De Sha, Susan Garrett, John Kapelos, Jill Kirby, Sharon Himmanen, Jennie Hayes, Amy Hull, Lizbet the Merc, Natsuko Ohama, Gary Rieck, Perri Smith, Some Strange Man at the Airport, Karen Swanson, Betsy Vera, Maureen Wynn, Jessica LaFrank, and probably a few others I've forgotten to mention.
Un-official con limerick, courtesy Betsy and Perri:
There once was a man named Parriott
Who went to a con at the Marriott
I like to talk baby talk. Please let me in, please let me in...Bastard.
Bear left. Frog right. Scottie!
No shit, just turn.
I cut you off, that's okay.
They're not bright or shiny! How about a little truth in advertising, Jesus!
Pretty, bright, shiny Merc.
Wouldn't you die to live there?
We are not lost. We know where we are, it's just the wrong place.
Oh, that would be dumb.
This my be the only city in the world where the Natpack can wander around and not be institutionalized.
The Guy is perfectly balanced.
Go this way until you run into the Embarcadero. Which is just before you run into the bay.
We saw Nick's but the light was out.
It's a sad day when the audience is yelling at you to "Put it on!"
You've never heard of a K turn?
My arms don't bend that way, I don't care how tall I am!
If you're going to humiliate me at least do it right!
Most of them are zoned to the world, but a few of them are just throwing
hissyfits.
You know you're way homesick when you want to hug a freeway.
Do you ever wonder about what he could do with the feathers in those wings?
The Merc tortured me. She took me across an orange bridge.
Oh, god, now they're bouncing on me!
She's holding a Lucy Lawless appearance over my head.
Am I ignoring being ignored?
It's like Sunset Magazine threw up out there.
Thank you, Mr. Bennett...
He's got the same "Boo Aura" going.
Always happy to traumatize someone's brother.
If I ever get within 10 feet of Peter Wingfield I'm going to go into total 'bear mode.' You know - stand very still, don't let it know you're afraid. Oh, and make low noises. Because they eat things that make high squeaky noises.
Beat up Dianne is just always running through Boo's brain.
It's a fashion gradient.
She has a migrating pet.
Hey, I had the Black Death, dude. Cool!
Wake up, you've got a hot object in your hand.
She wants a hairy angel. She wants one particular hairy angel.
If I were married to Ger he would be like stapled to the wall.
I'm sitting here with mail in my hand...and not the right kind, either!
Alka Seltzer...Nick...Oooh!
If the rain is turning white and fluffy we have a problem.
Start hanging from the chandeliers and scratching your armpits and they'll do anything.
The 'pack is running low on blood sugar...
Kinda makes you want to go to Wales and go shopping, doesn't it?
I used to drive my physics feature crazy...
This would be a fun town to hang-glide over.
You're a very annoying NatPacker-type...but you make a good table.
Lion and tiger feeding at 2...they feed them?
I leap in, I paddle.
Quick! Act dangerous!
The one out asleep on the couch - she's got a nice face.
I've never seen a man bounce so much and not lose face.
Act like you're hugging the musk ox.
Alaska! Extinct! Baaaad...
If you want it dead, give it to me.
What, in fact, we are doing with the camel would be a good thing to have straight.
It's springy, it's scary - it's Natpacker flooring!
It never occurred to me, the things elephants could do with their trunks...until now.
Why do I want to climb that tree so badly?
Never underestimate the power of a quotelist.
Cross the 'pack with the Mercs and you get the Perks!
Oh, my god, they're computerizing it already!
What?
Lamb are fluffy and cute and food is not.
Just get on 280 south and it becomes 680 north--don't ask.
I love roads with noone on them 'cuz I can be stupid and everybody's OK.
She's got these amazing, heat-generating hands. Like bunny ears.
There was on one in that shoe - that's good.
I find nothing at all bizarre about bonding over a toilet.
The 'Pack is self-sabotaging.
Natpack's coming...make sure you give 'em a car with handles.
She's surviving on promises. Dark chocolate.
No vampire on the half-shell, please!
I can't believe we weirded someone through a microphone.
That's OK, I'm just holding it over the floor. It's a rental car.
You can't pet me into submission.
If I can't get my salt in fries, I'll get it from blood.
Why were you brought across?
I think I'm channeling Gabrielle 50% of the time.
That was Jennie; you do it much differently, dear.
Welcome to NatPack Last Minute Travel Reservations.
Of course I can. We just breathe jointly.
Oh, look. They're no longer attached at the neck.
Dianne, could you get my brain out for me?
What happened at 4:30 this morning? She was talking.
I've discovered the source of the earthquakes in California: too many NatPackers bouncing at the same time.
Where did the disgusting lady go?
I'm torturing someone here. Is this important?
I am so frightened. The NatBorg is kicking in.
Did someone say they were going to do a VCR?
Just don't block my view and I'll be fine.
If no one can read her handwriting, it doesn't count.
Resistance is futile; you will be banned.
We left our natural homicidal instincts.
Stop talking so she stops writing and we can go.
It's not just a group; it's a herd.
I predicted that by the end of the con two things would happen: by the end of the con I'd end up walking around with a microphone attached to my shirt, and my name would go from Catheboo to Boo to Schnookums.
Guys, we're in public on a bus.
I've never rented a car that had an aura of smoke.
Staying a Knightie is chickening out.
We were--especially about flat ground and big rocks. (They're called hills.)
That's all you got from the Weekend? Ger sweats like a pig?
She's NatPack. The plan is....
My brain is moosh, but that's okay.
Oh, tall buildings. Thank God.
Long as you don't die, it's all right.
If you take him apart, he's not really gorgeous.
Perri's under the bed. Actually Perri's head is under the bed.
I love you all dearly and I'm going to strangle you in your sleep.
I was the velcro against the wall.
She's catching my attention just to bounce at me.
Do you want to do charity stuff? We can give people your phone number.
Oooh! Oooh!
He's more than adorable; he's Death.
Got the serious bondage thing going.
We're going to get so many pictures of us lying in bed together.
She's out picking up chicks?
I look like Deb and I sound like Jennie.
Now I liked your zine. Deal.
Why are people moaning over there?
We can play "Beat on the Knightie" until we get food.
A collective whoo-hoo.
I can"t watch that show without walking away in a diabetic coma.
I"m just going to play with The Guy.
I got you into dude. You got me into dude.
You can hit her; you're closer. She's bigger, but you're closer.
Hang with the NatPack, discuss medication.
I was so Ger'ed over.
People would look at me and they would just start laughing.
Girl scouts--it puts MacGyver to shame.
You can't take the girl scouts camping on the beach.
You're too cute to swear.
As far as ass goes, you not only hear the word on TV, you see them too.
Now was that a stunt butt or was that his real butt?
Who lobotomized you? What color is the sky in your world?
NatPackers, ho! NatPackers, ho! Who you calling a ho?
Drive with your knees.
Oh, oh my God. I love you. Will you marry me? I'm a whore.
Have you ever tried to read fanfic smut when there's men on either side of you?
Possessed happy strange NatPackers
My breasts are like, "Hello!"
If they're glancing over, the word penis just jumps out.
Ger-adelli.
He was like, Rita's girlfriend.
I'm going to intravenous injections of Churchill.
I don't suck unattractive dicks.
Bitch and moan. Bitch and moan.
I was thinking in the shower about writing Xena lesbian porn.
Several fingers made contact.
I only want a Gabrielle doll so I can pose.
Xena's a time lord; she's Leela's daughter.
Where's my quote list?
The mattress pad is terrible; it's all over me.
I bring you peeeeace.
Being locked in a room with NatPackers; I suppose there are worse things.
Where's Amy? Oh, here she is. She's very compact.
I'm getting myself well-moisturized.
I bring you fey.
Shit me. Fuck me. Fuck me.
The world is not moving inside my head; it's moving outside my head.
I've mowed it. It seemed big then.
I would do many things for The Guy. I would eat my most hated food if he offered it to me on his tongue.
We love you....you do not make us bounce and grin quite that maniacally.
Basically, we're an operating system.
I figure if I ever want to commit suicide I'll just put him on and I'll just have an aneurysm and that'll be it.
I need just five minutes with a hot curling iron and I'm fine.
My own personal big-penis vision.
I didn't have to get behind Stupid Volvo Man.
And since when did they start growing crops in circles?
She's the worst fucking driver in the whole fucking world.
We're the Fuck Me NatPackers.
There's the type where they're not brothers and there's the type where they are brothers and they don't care.
Usually the "Klingon Rod of Might" is involved.
Stephen, where'd your other chins go?
Take us to your grocery store.
It's the Safeway or the NatPack way.
You'll have hands all over your head tonight.
I couldn't see myself sneaking up and slipping boxer shorts on her.
Every time we mention The Guy you pull out that salt shaker and it's kind of embarrassing.
Oh, that's right. We don't have a whole lot of boobage, do we?
I have the knife from hell. I have the knife from a few doors down from hell. 668--The neighbor of the beast.
I'm just trying to imagine what my big fat white ass would look like in a copier.
It's a hung salad.
Push it in like kind of hard.
He's Mr. No-Balls.
This is corruption of the innocent con.
Tell Jill where to go.
When you're directing someone like Nigel, it's like you're holding a fish and you put it back in the water and it just swims.
Jill giveth, and Jill taketh away.
Who's 47? Oh, we are....
I've lost too many needles in my tomato. Natalie and Methos story? When are they having sex?
He's a virgin, so you're safe. But you're not.
He has no spine. He is jello-boy.
I'm sitting on my episiotomy and it hurts.
Oh, that's Maureen.
Perri, flip your thing.
That's a bad potato flake day.
I'm not only looking, I'm thinking.
JetC must be free. It must flow.
Jill is in the bathroom. Alert the media.
How long do you think it'll take them to get cinnamon sugar out of their shorts?
They were people. They weren't us.
The Guy is coming unzipped.
I'm not fighting with you; you're big and you have a beak.
I work fast and I work cheap.
We need to make a banner that says, "We love Susan. John 3:16"
Shit. I'm the king.
As an actor, they usually tell jokes till they call Action.
Why did I make this list? Because it's a document of my failure.
You're in the middle of a scene playing LaCroix and suddenly you have to call, "Okay, cut."
We dubbed the directors of our episodes, "the victim of the week."
I'll take Amy on my lap. You can tell me what you want for Christmas, little girl.
This car is one hundred percent NatPack.
If I start to bounce, just shoot me in the head.
You people are so bizarre.
You're all damned lucky I love you.
This is the cheap trill corner.
I'll give you permission to play with my hair...I don't like that smile.
Oh, yeah, we already did John.
It's really easy; if Nigel can do it, anyone can.
We're bid seventy dollars for this hand-signed, hand-spun, plastic mug.
Going once, going twice, going three times....this is so exciting!
I don't know if I'm up to handling something so large.
He's dead, Jim.
It's an undulating hug.
We want you to take home a little piece of us.
It's a do-it-yourself Nigel kit.
I said cash station, not castration.
This coke can is going for more than Natalie's clipboard.
Your Uncle wears army boots.
It basically got completely absorbed by my crotch.
It ended up in Froggie's Scott bag.
We can always get back where we come from, we just can't always get where we thought we were going.
I think we can make a left on that road even though we came from that road.
Being a full-time Nigel Bennett butt bunny....
Maureen and fried prunes?
Ri-coooo-laaaah
No MSG, right?
John would have appreciated the NatMare, and Natsuko would have been stunned.
This is a big small.
Tami knows that when the NatPack is fascinated, trouble can only ensue.
The troop movements of Normandy were not this complicated. You think getting 4,000 men on the beach is hard, try eating Chinese with the NatPack.
What, they tried to add the twice-cooked pork and the five-spice chicken and came up with ten?
I'm gonna pop like a tick.
We have a mercling here although she's not actually here at the moment.
Look at me! I have beads in my hair.
The teacups? Ohh! The teacups.
You've heard of Shaken Baby Syndrome? I had Shaken Susan Syndrome.
You have an excuse, but some of these people have just come back from perk central.
Welcome to the NatPack, Sydney Bloom.
That must be a NatPack week in boobage.
This is just too fucking cool. I'm sorry sweetie. That's a terrible word.
Intelligent people have much better grammar.
You're not pulling your camera out, now, are you?
That was a NatPack yank if I ever saw one.
Yes, you have to re-orient your brain around the NatPack.
I'll show you how to do it from across the room.
He's foreign.
I work with non-human primates.
Jill, get your little non-MediaWest-going hiney out here.
We'd love to have you even if you're just willing to stay.
Well, actually, it takes you whatever-the-hell direction you're going, but it feels like you're going south.
You can actually leave her on the green shit here, and we'll find her wandering around the units.
Don't worry; you'll remember it in the flashback.
Deflect blame. Deflect blame.
We bounce in more ways than one.
Yeah, I've seen you when you get back to the room and take those bras
off.
We'll bastardize the beds. She looks like Robert Hays.
Sharon, there's dumb monkey shit in this.
It's lame-o-rama.
The frolicking.
God help me; I'm going straight to hell.
I'm too horny for my bed.
Isn't fandom cool?!
Oh, just airlock yourself now!
If I put my hand here, it'll get warm. If I put my lungs right here, it's going to melt, man.
There was no one in that shoe - that's good.
Oh, don't give me Nigel's eyebrows, guys!
The quotelist is under the flowers.
I liked her until she went 'Huuunh.'
I want to go from slut to professional.
How much do you bid for your dignity?
A Ravenette, a Merc and a Natpacker walk into a bar...
If this dress comes down my life will be a more permanent hell.
There are breasts appearing in the bathroom.
Do you think Jon Cassar would marry me if I ask?
He hugs good and he smells good - this is important.
I'm wearing a Marquis de Sade original.
What we're going to do is sew them together so I don't give everyone a free show. They're going to pay.
Anything with lycra is a gift from the gods.
I have roving hands.
She's like a drug dealer working a schoolyard.
I was looking at your dress and thinking it was just generic medieval, and then I realized, you're a whore! And those nuns won't help you...
You're gonna have to pay more than that.
Oh, my God, Sharon's whimpering...
They're throwing candy wrappers down my non-existent cleavage.
Yo, leatherbride, back there!
The rat's too rich for my blood.
What size are they?
If I get to auction something, can I auction these naked people?
Take off my fucking pants.
I got a lot for my rat!
I feel like a medieval go-go dancer.
This is good but he would hurt you.
If that goes to 3000 I'll crap.
I feel like a Persian rug.
The pause is pregnant. The pause is having triplets.
Go on, Jess, be a Natpacker!
Go with Boo, my child.
Where's my little mercling sister?
The Natpack: Corrupting the innocent, the guilty, and everyone in between.
My glow is wearing off.
That child is a bundle of energy!
You know life is getting scary when you're afraid of your quotelist.
Maureen, you're not a bad driver at all...oh, my goodness, we're U-ing.
Could you please remove Amy's shoulders from her ears?
Cashew over, Moo Shu down.
Never serve anything with numbers to the Natpack.
Let's hear it for carnivores!
Congratulations, you've just been wounded by the Natpack.
We're all Ger'ed over without Ger...
You could hang plants off this one.
Richie is just a hormone.
Oh, this is the nude harp.
Perri is so cute when she's highlighted.
Are these your friends? How do you have a war?
Now she is Susan's Tracy doll!
Janette...Tracy....Janette....Tracy.
The Guy is unhappy.
You're really dorky looking.
Oh my god, I think he's doing something for me. Or it might just be the
tux.
Cool! Hand me the flame!
I love the experience that is the NatPack!
Are you hot? I wanna share your heat.
If it moves, hug it. If it's a guest, apologize.
We've been Natsuko'ed over.
Ah, the Mattehorn.
Random is good. We speak random.
Selective amnesia is very important when a quotelist is in the room.
Yes, that was lewd. And I'm not sure I want to say it again.
My butt is going to stay right where it is.
There's a NatPacker humping my arm.
Make this room smell like a french fry.
Salt intake by inhalation.
They scream out "Touched" as you enter the room.
Now you've gone and made my bladder all shy, Jennise!
I don't want your chocolate. I want your thigh.
Get in touch with your inner bitch.
Monster's just a sow.
It was a third-party spew.