"Taking Back the NatPack(er)"
by Christina Kamnikar, MMG of the Merc's Guild

(w/help from Dianne, Lizbet, and Sara of the Guild; Dawn the NatMerc;
Perri & Cath & Betsey & Jill & Mo of the 'Pack; and the Hostage Herself,
Jennie) 

Time: Sometime after "Evil Pink Penguin" Wraps Up
Place: Nat's Apartment and Merc Central

I.      A Decision is Made

"We have to rescue Jennie," Cath said determinedly to Perri as five of the
NatPackers ate ice cream and watched the All-Methos Channel in Nat's
apartment. Most of the rest of the 'Pack were out shopping for new chairs;
but the former Knighties, Jill, Betsey and Judy had decided to take
advantage of the TV being perfect and stayed in. "She's been in the
clutches of Mercdom for... well, I don't know how long, but longer than
she should've been. It's time to take action." 

"Okay. Do we have a plan?" Perri inquired. "Plans make these kind of
attempts easier. Or so I've heard." 

"No. No plans. We're just going to overcome by sheer force of arms." 

"What arms?" Judy mumbled around a mouthful of New York Double Fudge
Chunk. 

"Bouncing. Surprise. Throwing chocolate to distract the Mercs. Winging it.
After all, that's what we're good at:  applied chaos." Cath grinned
maniacally and bounced up from the couch to grab the phone book. "We'll
take a cab. That way, we'll be able to find Merc Central without Maureen
driving us there." 

"Cooool." Betsey grabbed a NatMare, a NerfGun, and some more chocolate ice
cream from the fridge.  "Should we leave a note for the others?" 

The War Trills exchanged a considering glance, then simultaneously went,
"Naaaah." 

"They'll figure it out," Jill said cheerfully. "Or just follow the trail
of destruction in our wake.  Whichever's easier..." 

II.     A Grand Entrance (sorta)

"Whoa. Local earthquake, you think?" Perri blinked at the sight of the
large crater surrounding Merc Central, and the sight of the MC itself
having sunk one storey downward into the ground. Not being from
California, she deferred judgement on the cause of the destruction to her
partner in crime, who studied the facade with academic interest. 

"Weapons practice, probably," Cath responded, drawing her trenchcoat
around her tightly. "C'mon, let's sneak in the back." 

"Where would they be holding Jennie?"  Jill wondered as Cath jimmied open
a window peeking out from the ground. 

Her question went unanswered as the remnants of the Merc Emergency
Quick-Alert Alarm System (TM) were activated by their total lack of
sneakiness in trying to force the window. 

"*eeeeeeep!*"

III.    Searching for the Prisoner of the Guild

Boo bounced backward, almost tripped over Perri, who stumbled forward and
fell into the crevasse surrounding the house.  "Aiiiiiiiiiii! Cath! Help
meeee...." 

"Perri!" Alarms were still blaring, lights flashing, and Perri had slipped
downward out of sight. Betsey and Judy started after her, but were pulled
back by the slightly-more-sensible Jill, who shoved first one, then the
other through the window, then followed head-first. Gulping in shock, Cath
ducked in after her, shut the window, and then led the quartet in search
of a way downstairs, in order to save her friend. 

IV.     Searching for the Prisoner by the Lost Rescuer

Perri, meanwhile, had crawled down the crevasse (okay, she somersaulted
downward, and landed with a thud!  against the back door) and walked in
the former back entrance fairly easily. She was extremely relieved when
the alarms shut off. Clutching her bag of supplies tightly to her, the
NatPacker hugged the wall as she made her way deeper into the domain of
the enemy. (It seemed like the thing to do, and besides, the wall seemed
to be fairly stable, which was very reassuring). 

Inching slowly along the hallway, Perri came to a grinding halt when she
was discovered by the Merc Cats, who meowed demands for extortion payments
in return for not telling on her.  The Texan was forced to follow them
back to the kitchen. 

"Well, it's about time you got here!"

"Maureen, what are you doing here?" Perri asked, while cats twined
themselves around her ankles, demanding treats. 

"Waiting for you guys to show up," the former-Merc said, calmly taking
another spoonful of Chocolate Caramel Smoothie Ben and Jerry's ice-cream. 
"I knew the Natpack would show up sooner or later, so I thought I'd just
wait here." 

"Well, if you were here already, why didn't you get Jennie out yourself?!"
Perri said, exasperated. 

"What, and cut short Dianne's torment?  Surely you jest!"

"Oh.  Well, now that we're here, can we go get her out before the Mercs
catch us and force you to pay for the ice-cream you've eaten?  Oh, and
don't call me Shirley!" 

So they put away the ice-cream, fed the cats some Tender Vittles to shut
them up, and went in search of their wanna-be Merc Natpacker. 

V.      Searching for the Prisoner by the UnLost Rescuers

"Merc Central. Hunh." Cath was not impressed. She hadn't been along in the
last War to rescue Maureen, but she'd expected better from all she'd heard
about it. Of course, the hot tubs currently sitting in the middle of the
living room were just tacky; and the smell of limburger really didn't do
much for the place. But still. "Ought to bring Decorator Lacroix in here,
or one of the Janettes...  this place could use a makeover." 

"Even the Perkulators could do better than this,"  Judy observed, turning
around as she studied the shambles that had once been the HQ of one of the
most-feared factions. 

Hearing someone coming down the hallway, Cath ducked under a dessert cart
just as Sara and another Merc passed by, talking agitatedly. Jill *eep*'d
and hid behind the curtains, while Betsey and Judy looke at each other,
and simultaneously dived beneath the piano. 

"Where did they go?"

"The monitors lost them once they were inside." Two pairs of sneakered
feet stopped right in front of Cath, and she held her breath. "Everyone's
looking for them..." 

"Uh-hunh... well, let's hope they just don't run into Dianne in her
current condition. It wouldn't be pretty if she came face-to-face with
more NatPackers right now."  The feet moved away, and Boo inhaled with a
gasp, shaking her head. Where would they be hiding Jennie? At least Perri
was okay, if both of them were inside.... 

VI.     Hide - and - Seek

Cath backed down the hallway away from the retreating Mercs, step by step,
her fellow NatPackers following as sneakily as they could... 

Perri hugged the wall, slooooowly finding her way in the dark, Maureen in
bringing up in the rear, checking around for an ambush.... 

*bump*  *bump*  *bounce*  *bounce*

"AaaaaaahhhhhHHHHH!" One scream, two throats.

"Don't do that!" Perri and Cath whispered in fierce chorus to each other
as Mo rolled her eyes, then sighed in relief as Betsey, Judy and Jill came
running up. "Have you found her yet?" Boo asked after she got her breath
back. 

"No. We were ambushed by the cats."

"The rest of the Guild knows we're here. We've got to find her fast, or
we'll run into Schnookums, who's evidently more homicidal than usual right
now." 

"Right. Ideas?" Betsey asked, chewing on one of her newly-blonded strands
of hair. 

"Now would be a good time for a plan." Jill muttered, wishing that a
convenient Plot Device would show up. 

"Agreed." Judy glared at Cath.

"Too bad we don't have one." Boo's expression was grim. This wasn't going
to be as easy as she'd hoped... 

"*Duh*, Cath."

"Hush, Trill. This way...."

VII.    MMG in Mourning

The next room the Rescue Team entered was the TV Room. Had been the TV
room. Evidently the redecorating had taken out the Audio-Visual Center,
and all that was left was cracked TV screen and a pile of VCR components. 
Chaos sat in front of the mess and stared at it blankly. 

"Chris?" Perri asked tentatively. The glassy look that was turned on her
obviously didn't register that NatPackers were invading the sanctum of
Mercliness. "You okay?" 

"Boom." Chris blinked at them. "Boom _today_. No boom yesterday. No boom
tomorrow. Boom *today*." 

Cath patted her understandingly, then asked in a coaxing voice, "Kiki?
Which way to Jennie?" 

The MMG pointed wordlessly toward the stairs, still staring at the mess in
front of her, the last remains of her only path to Nirvana. 

VIII.   Contact is Facilitated

Downstairs was pretty darn big.

"How many cupboards have we checked now?" Perri grumbled, leaning against
the wall and checking around for wandering Mercs. 

"Sixteen. Seventeen. I don't know, I lost count after we let the Beat
Tracy out of the closet." 

"Jill---"

"Sorry. Unregistered and inaccurate pun."

Cath slid down to sit on the floor and groaned. "How many secret
compartments does this place *have*?" 

"Fifty-eight," said a voice from behind them. All six 'Packers *eep*'d and
bounced backward, away from the figure silhouetted in the nearby doorway. 

"Calm down, it's only me," Lizbet said, stepping into the light. 

"Aaaaahhhhh!"

Lizbet winced. "Funny. Very, very, funny. Now will you take the key to
Jennie's cell and get her *out* of here?" 

"What?" Cath asked weakly.

The petite MAA smacked the key into Perri's hand, then sat down on the
floor and rubbed her temples. "Go rescue her. Please? We tried to explain
how to escape, but somehow she refuses get it. We even opened the front
door and tried to wave bye-bye, but Jennie just kept protesting that she
was a Merc now. Sara and Chris had to sedate Dianne and stick her in the
sauna with a handful of champagne truffles." 

Cath and Perri looked at each other, caught Jill's eye, who was studiously
avoiding looking at Betsey, who's jaw was clenched nearly as hard as
Judy's. Maureen didn't even try. As she giggled hysterically the WarTrill
cracked up. 

"Do you guys want to get out of here, or stand there imitiating hyenas?"
Lizbet asked, climbing to her feet. 

"Outta here. Definitely," Boo wheezed.

"Fabulous. Take me with you?" Lizbet smiled pleadingly. "I need shopping
therapy like you wouldn't *believe*." 

"Oh, why not. You are our Merc Toy," Perri said, slinging one arm around
her little Sis's shoulders. "Show us the way to go home, Plague..." 

IX.     Resolution of Conflicted Loyalties

Lizbet led the way to the 48th secret compartment.  Cath and Perri
followed behind with only the occasional detour to check out the inards of
yet another cupboard or peek behind pictures for safes. 

Stepping into a large bathroom the size of a bedroom, Lizbet pulled back
on the lever to open the door. 

"What's that?"

Perri pointed at a shivering bundle of hair planted in one corner of the
bathtub. It looked as if Cousin It had somehow acquired black jeans. She
went over and poked It. 

"Over? It's over? Tell me it's over!!!" A rapid transition from
fetal-position-to-upright-position ensued. 

Boo pushed back some of the hair to reveal Dawn's rattled expression. "You
tell me what you want to be over and we'll find out." 

"The EARTHQUAKE! Don't <like> them. No. No. No!  Earthquakes bad!" 

Lizbet took a hand, shoved a box of chocolate covered almonds in it, then
pulled her out of the tub. "It's over... although I hope Sara's got
insurance." She paused, and then snapped back the (now half-empty box)
away from Dawn. "What are you doing here? I thought you were staying with
the NatPack?" 

"Jennie's here!" Dawn readjusted her green shirt and grabbed (missed),
grabbed again (caught them) at the goodies. "Decided there was no shame in
being at NatMerc if Jennie was a Merc." 

"You mean we're not going to get a tearful 5-part confrontation, angst,
internal torment, enlightentenment and grand realization story?" Boo
muttered. 

"Nope!" Dawn upended the box and then chewed on the last bit-o-heaven. "No
time this war. You'll have to be satisfied with the confrontation and
realization stuck-in-the-middle-of-someone-else's story bit we got right
here." 

The two former Knighties, along now with three of their comrades who were
the dyed-the-original-100%pure-wool NatPackers, the Merc, the
former-Merc-now-total-Natpacker and the NatMerc stared at each other. 

"Ok."

"Fine by me."

"Works."

"Let's get going and get... rescue Jennie."

Dawn opened the fridge positioned within easy reach of the bathtub (a
standard feature in all Merc bathrooms), and pointed at the stash of
Ben&Jerry's inside. "Here we go.  Nature's perfect food." 

X.     Safe and Sound

"I knew you would come for me," Jennie said serenely. "NatPackers always
find each other." She frowned.  "Except, I'm a Merc now, so I should do
something here...  something like make you give me chocolate..." The
NatPack hostage blinked appealingly at Perri, obviously not sure how she
was supposed to do that now that she'd been released from her dungeon. 

"Jenn, it's okay. You're a NatPacker-Merc." Cath grinned. "Give this tub
of Ben&Jerry's to Sara, and you'll have done all you have to." 

"Kewl!" Jennie grinned at Maureen, who pocketed some of Jennie's...
'equipment' with a straight face and an amazing slight of hand, then the
NatPack bounced up the stairs, followed by Dawn and Lizbet. As they
trooped through the TV Room, Lizbet halted and shook Chris's shoulder. 

"Kiki? C'mon, girl. Time to focus."

"Boom," Chris said in an explanatory tone.

"I know. I know..." Lizbet sighed.

Cath studied Kiki speculatively. "Chocolate?" she offered, sticking a
Reese's Peanut Butter Cup in the MMG's line of vision. 

"Wha... wait." Chris blinked, then made a grab for the candy. Dawn
grinned. 

"She's coming out of it."

"Gimme!"

"She's recovered," Perri decided. "Hey Kiki, wanna go shopping with us? We
need to get replacement Ben & Jerry's. And possibly ravage the finer
shopping districts of Toronto." 

"I guess." Christina studied the smoking ruins of the AV setup, then
sighed and got to her feet. "Can we bring Dianne with us? She really needs
to get out of here. I think the Fall of the House of Merc Guild was the
last straw that robbed her of coherent speech." 

"Uhhhhhh...."  Mo was smoldering, Perri and Cath looked worried, and Jill,
Judy and Bets appeared to be looking for places to hide. Lizbet and Dawn
merely looked speculative, possibly figuring the odds on a
knock-down-drag-out fight if Dianne were released from her sauna, and how
much money could be made in selling tickets. 

"Oh, come on. I'll vouch for her." Chris relieved Perri of her bag of
chocolate. "I mean, she is a Merc. She has her weaknesses... like these.
And these. She'll behave if we feed her first... And oh, give me that too,
you never know, she might be hungry...." 

X.      Conclusion Statement

And thus it was that Jennie was freed, the cats were fed, Chris was woken
from her trance, Dee was released from psychiatric watch and Perri, Cath,
Lizbet, Kiki and Dee all went shopping in Toronto. What followed next was
wholly unplanned and not at all legal, but we're not going there.  Just
because we do this stuff doesn't mean we'll admit to it... At least, not
in this post.