Indefinite Article

by Amy Hull


Time: Around 1:30 pm
Place: NatPack Hostel

"Thish ish getting reeeeallly annoying," Amy grumped, dropping her book to the floor in disgust and rubbing her eyes.

"Tell me about it," Sharon said, also rubbing her eyes. "The Guy's screen is getting all smeared from my nose."

"We're going to have to kill them," Elaine said emphatically. "That's all there is to it."

"I'm getting a shtiff neck from moving my head to see the entire line in my book," Amy complained loudly.

"And you think I'm not?" Sharon demanded. "I have to lean forward to get my face close enough to The Guy to even do email."

Amy, Meredith, and Elaine all began to giggle. "Ah, but the advantages of simply having to be so close to The Guy," Meredith teased.

The smear of color that was Sharon got very quiet and seemed to be lost in thought. Amy could imagine the blissfully blank, distant grin that must be gracing Sharon's face, and the glaze that would have been added to her already unfocused eyes.

"Hey, Amy, you could read that paper Jill got a few days ago," Elaine suggested. "Newspapers at least have narrower columns."

"Or we could put a movie or show on that we've seen before and at least listen to it," Sharon added helpfully, apparently jolted out of her reverie by the comment.

"It just really sucks that our glasshes are taking extra time," Amy continued to complain. "I mean, I know we're really blind and all, but this is an emergency." She took another drink from her ever-present bottle. "They probably won't even get them right, and then we'll have to wait for them to try again. I hate this."

"Well, what movies do we have," Meredith asked, hoping to divert Amy's attention like you would a three-year-old's.

Everyone looked blankly at each other, suddenly realizing that they didn't know. They didn't even know if there were movies around.

Elaine began to giggle again. "Anyone know if Blockbuster delivers up here?"

"Do they even have Blockbuster here?" Amy asked in forlorn frustration. No one knew, and checking the phone book seemed like just too much work. "Well, does anyone know where the paper is? It may well have been thrown out already."

"Not unless you did it," Meredith answered. "You're the only one who tends to get that compulsive cleaning thing going."

"That's not really true," Sharon said. "And have you noticed Maureen? I'd suggest you check that box she set up for the 'paper trash.' I'll bet it's there."

"And if it is, it'll be clean, too," Elaine added. "She practically bit Pod's head off the other night when poor Pod headed toward it with something Maureen considered part of the 'organic trash,' and then almost tackled Jennie's Coke can the moment it was empty so she could rinse it and put it in the recycle box."

Amy grimaced. "Where did she get all the boxesh?" Everyone shrugged. "Well, where did she put them?"

"Kitchen," the others chorused.

Amy returned shortly with a neatly-folded paper and a refilled bottle. "This is shcary." She gestured to the paper. "Even I wouldn't do this. It looksh like she ironed it or shomething."

Sharon looked up as Amy walked past and caught sight of the bottle as it was carried past her face. She reached out and grabbed it. "Amy, what is this? I thought the gin was gone."

Amy grinned lopsidedly. "I dunno. It was in a big bottle. I grabbed it yesterday while we were out. Maybe vodka?"

Sharon sniffed the bottle, grimaced slightly, then nodded. "Yep. It's vodka."

"You know, said Amy thoughtfully after retrieving her bottle and taking a long drink, "it's amazing that this shtuff is so good considering that it's made from potatoes."

The others decided to leave that alone, and silence (if not peace) descended again.

Moments later, however, Amy squealed and gasped, "Oh, my" through soft giggles.

"What?" Meredith asked, coming to look at the paper Amy was holding to her face.

"Um, you know the KISSH impershonators Jamie sent Sunday morning?"

"Yeah." The others shuddered.

"Well, we weren't the only ones she sent them to."

"Of course not," Sharon responded. "I got them too. Paid them off." She smiled in a mysteriously self-satisfied way.

"No," Amy said, "I mean the NatPack weren't the only ones."

"How do you know?" Elaine asked.

She and Sharon also came over to look at the paper. One by one, they passed it around and read:

Toronto Globe and Mail, Monday, July 29, 1996, Section B, Page 1:

KISS impersonators fill Toronto ERs

The city's emergency rooms were flooded early Sunday morning with injured KISS impersonators. The unfortunate musicians awakened several groups of unidentified individuals at 5:00 am. In many cases, these encounters turned ugly, resulting in injury to one or more of the musicians. The hospital staff had difficulty determining the extent of the injuries due to smeared jelly, custard, and makeup. Most impersonators were treated and released. One was kept for observation due to burns caused by scalding coffee. One musician commented, "I can see why people might have been startled by us, but we were only doing our job. I don't know why they had to get nasty."

The NatPackers looked at each other and cringed.

"I really hope we didn't hurt them," Meredith said softly.

"Well, I know Jill threw the doughnutsh at them," Amy said thoughtfully, "but I don't think they were in anything hard that would have caushed problems."

"What a waste of good coffee," Sharon said. "Not that that was particularly good coffee, but just on principle."

Elaine began to giggle.

"What?" Amy and Sharon chorused.

"I just figured out what looks funny about you. It's your noses."

Meredith began to giggle as well.

"What about our noses?" Sharon demanded while Amy tried to glare but kept smiling.

"They're black from the newsprint," Elaine gasped.

Amy leaned into Elaine's face, causing Elaine to cough at the alcohol fumes. "Ha!" Amy declared triumphantly. "Your nose is black too!" She paused, and began to try and rub the ink off her nose. "I want my glasses back!!!" she wailed, and curled up in the corner of the couch to read and sulk more.

[War Stories]