From: Lisa Luksis <LLUKSIS@ALLSTATE.COM>
WAR:  Spandex, My Ass!
time:  very early morning Thursday, 8/1
place:  CERK and the Perkulators' hotel room

(CERK)

Tok laughed to herself as she assembled the special package for Jamie. 
There was a box of Frango mints (courtesy of Marshall Field's back home),
a cold pack containing two cans of diet Pepsi and a pint of frozen solid
Bailey's flavored Haagen-Dazs, and a very special 'alarm'.  She was
particularly proud of this device. 

"It's very simple," she explained to Cousin Gandalf, the vamp-kitty.  "You
remember Jamie -- she was with us for a while in War 5." 

<I remember her, Mom.>

"Good, then you ought to be able to home in on her with your new powers. 
When you find her, I want you to deliver this ... umm ...  thank-you
present to her for her wake-up call Sunday morning." 

<Those silly men in black spandex playing *that* music?>

"That's the one.  I've rigged this bag so you can carry it easily," Tok
said, indicating the canvas tote with the GenCon logo on it.  "Once you
find Jamie, you leave the bag next to her and pull out the alarm.  This is
pretty neat, if I do say so myself." Tok giggled softly.  "All you have to
do is press this button here. Then, at 5:30 AM, she'll be treated to Garth
Brooks singing 'Fever' at full volume.  It's on continuous loop and has
its own power supply.  The only way to turn it off is to smash it." 

<This is a *good* think, Mom.> The vamp-kitty rubbed his head on her arm
and purred. 

Neither of them noticed Cousin Willow, tiny kitten that she is, snuggle
into the tote bag next to the nice *cool* cold-pack.  It was a nice
comfortable place to take a nap, she thought as she curled up with the
crumpled-up CERK stationery she'd been playing with.  Neither did they
notice her when Tok put the alarm inside and handed the bag to Cousin
Gandalf, who flew out the window with it in search of Jamie. 

(Perkulators' hotel room)  Gandalf had sensed Jamie in this hotel.  He'd
found his way in easily enough, and made his way past the slumbering perky
ones to the place where Jamie lay sound asleep.  No doubt dreaming of
long-haired men in tight black spandex, judging by the smile on her face. 
The vamp-kitty carried out Tok's instructions and left as quietly as he'd
come.  The note propped up by the alarm read: 

     Dear Jamie,
        I just wanted to let you know how
        much we all appreciated your kind
        gesture Sunday morning.  I know this
        isn't men in spandex, but I hope
        you'll accept it in the spirit in
        which it was given.  Enjoy!
                         A friend

A little while later, Willow poked her head out of the tote bag.  She'd
had a nice nap, but now it was time to play.  She picked up her paper ball
and hopped to the floor.  This wasn't CERK, though.  Where was Mom? 

The sleeping woman next to her wasn't Mom, even though she had blond hair. 
Willow trotted over to check the other sleeping forms nearby.  <Where's
Mom?  Will you play with me?>

One of the Perkulators was awakened by a kittenly pounce.  She opened one
eye to see a cute gray kitten and a wadded-up paper ball by her face. 
"Where did you come from, sweetie?"  She stroked the kitten's head and was
rewarded by loud purring.  "You don't belong to any of us, and I don't
think the hotel would allow you anyway.  What's this?"  she wondered as
she uncrumpled the paper wad.  CERK stationery!!? 

At that precise moment, a loud "click" came from Jamie's direction, and
Garth Brooks' voice blared out. 

   "He's got a split finger wrap
   And his rope's pulled way too tight..."