Phantom Pain
Ao no Kiseki Volume Six
Learning about Sanshirou's involvement with the Heipan mercenaries has given Kai several concerns. First is the danger that the clan members will hunt Sanshirou down for breaking their rules as soon as he leaves the Jules Verne. Second is the fact that Sanshirou admits to committing a crime while with the clan, for which he may still be wanted by the Federation. Third is the anxiety stirred up by hearing how easily Sanshirou left the Heipan woman with whom he had been involved. Kai does his best to drag all the details from his reluctant partner.
Sanshirou had been employed to help guard a mine, along with other mercenaries and Federation soldiers, on the remote outskirts of Federation space. An enemy force invaded and attempted to seize the mine. Sanshirou met up with the Heipan there. The soldiers instructed the mercenaries to go deep in the mines to secure a base, while they went for more weapons. The mercenaries did as they were told, but the soldiers never came; instead, they barricaded themselves in with the weapons and waited in fear for the battle to end. When the mercenaries finally fought their way out and demanded their pay, the soldiers refused, so the Heipan stole everything of value and left. Sanshirou thought he was still wanted for that, but it turns out the soldiers were too embarrassed and never reported the theft.
Kai empathizes with the struggles Sanshirou went through and realizes that his partner probably remains unattached to others because of experiencing such betrayals over and over. He moves on to the next step, which is tracking down Sanshirou's former Heipan lover to straighten things out with her. He knows that all the mercenaries he met on the moon had kept locks of hair from their past lovers, and he expected Sanshirou to have done the same, which would enable him to track her DNA. He is astonished to hear that Sanshirou kept nothing of hers whatsoever, nor does he remember anything about her other than her name.
Sanshirou sulks at the questions, acting childishly peeved that Kai isn't showing the slightest sign of jealousy. Kai claims that he has never felt jealous of anyone. He has always known that he's the best at everything he does--particularly in the relationship (read: sex) department--so he never had any reason to worry that someone else would usurp his control. What he doesn't say is that he is growing increasingly upset as he imagines Sanshirou leaving him at the end of the mission and forgetting all about him.
In an effort to convey his emotions without putting them into words, he mounts his injured partner and begins making love to him. Sanshirou has very fixed ideas about what sex ought to be; he believes it should be fun, and if both people aren't enjoying it, then it shouldn't happen. He can tell Kai isn't doing it to enjoy himself, so he protests. Kai overrides him by empathically projecting arousal into him and proceeding despite objections. When he's finished, Sanshirou is seriously angry and warns him never to do that again.
That incident is only one sign of many that Kai is subtly changing. Gai notes the strengthening of Kai's empathic abilities with concern. He announces that he intends to use his authority to dissolve the ship's buddy system--temporarily--for the crew members' own good. The reason he gives is that Lord recently developed an ulcer, Sanshirou's injuries need time to heal, and the other two are showing indications of high stress from their unusual adventures. He intends to take the crew members two at a time, return them to their coldsleep capsules, and program the capsules to perform medical therapy on them. Since Lord and Sanshirou need attention first, that necessitates breaking up the assigned buddy pairs.
Kai doesn't like it, but when Gai asks if there are any objections, he can't bring himself to say in front of everyone that he doesn't want to be separated from Sanshirou. Gai is positive that Kai needs to be isolated from his partner for his mental health. He likens Sanshirou to a kind of deadly poison that can be a powerful medicine at low doses. At the moment, Kai is becoming more relaxed about his powers and open with the other crew members, showing the beneficial effects of the "medicine." Immediate therapy, if handled carefully, can heal him. If Gai waits too much longer, though, Kai will overdose and self-destruct.
The doctor attempts to explain the situation to his brother. Sanshirou can see IR light; it would be impossible for him to pretend not to see it just because normal humans can't. When Kai decided to stifle his empathic abilities, he had to do exactly that. He had to be extremely careful to monitor himself and differentiate between his emotions and those of others, then ignore those that originated from another person. His regression back to being Isis freed his suppressed powers, and his relationship with Sanshirou is eroding the distinction between "self" and "other" that has kept him in control.
Gai plans to tell Kai about Isis once Sanshirou is in coldsleep, then give him the counseling he needs. There are only three months until the end of the current crew's shift. His idea is that Kai will go into coldsleep before Sanshirou awakens and remain there until the end of the mission. Whether Kai and Sanshirou ever meet again is up to them, as long as it doesn't happen before Kai heals. Gai knows that Kai will be furious with him for manipulating the Lunan's future without consent, but that's a burden he's grateful to bear if it means Kai won't hate himself anymore.
It will take Gai three days to program the coldsleep capsules, so the crew members use that time to say any last words to their partners. They sit in the recreation deck, where Sandra makes coffee for everyone. She is aghast when she finds out Kai and Sanshirou never officially formalized their partnership. If they don't, it implies they don't want to work with each other again. Rather than being awakened from coldsleep for the return trip, they will be replaced by "spare" officers kept in storage in case anything happens to the current crew. Sanshirou figures he's done enough work for the Federation. He's never stayed in one place for so long, and he's ready to move on to another job. Sandra resolves to convince him to change his mind.
Kai is curious to hear that Gai asked Sanshirou about their partnership, but not him. He decides to question the doctor about that, as well as another topic on his mind. Sanshirou says that Gai isn't straightforward, and it might be hard to get the answers he's looking for. When Kai remains confident, Sanshirou warns him that "that thing you do" didn't work on him, so it probably won't work on his twin, either. Kai is confused, because he doesn't remember ever using his mesmerizing Luna Trap on his partner. He locks himself in his room and tries to get to the bottom of the mystery.
Kai's suspicions had been aroused when Sandra made him coffee the way he used to drink it when he was younger, even though she had never asked him for his preferences. Sanshirou's slip only made him more determined. He searches through the computer's files from the time of his accident until he finds one tiny discrepancy that proves someone had altered them.
When Gai calls everyone together for a meeting, Kai catches them in their deception and pulls a gun on them. Sanshirou manages to disarm him and give chase as he runs, but the others are locked in the med center. Sanshirou tracks him to the library, where he locates and starts watching the hidden, unaltered files that Sanshirou had kept. Kai assumes without doubt that Isis slept with all the men on the ship, and possibly Sandra as well, which he finds unbearably humiliating. He refuses to believe Sanshirou's assurance that nothing happened.
Kai's rational mind completely snaps. He wants to die, and he wants to take Sanshirou with him. He grabs Sanshirou and empathically projects pain into him, allowing himself to absorb that pain. Once the pain reaches a high enough level, his heart won't be able to take it and he'll die from the shock.
The other crew members manage to use the discarded gun to escape from the med center. When they show up in the library, Sanshirou yells for Sandra to shoot him. She zaps him with the stun setting, which also takes out the fully synchronized Kai.
After they regain consciousness, Gai keeps them separated. He spends a month counseling Kai, until the Lunan is ready to return to work as usual. The doctor still wants to go through with his coldsleep plan, but Kai asks to put it off for a short while so he can finish something he has to do. Gai recommends that Kai change his name to mark the significant alteration that has taken place in his life, but Kai doesn't want to do that quite yet. He admits that Gai understands him better than anyone else, so if he ever does feel like taking on a new name, he'll ask Gai to give him one.
Kai goes to see Sanshirou, who is busily erasing all the files that have any evidence of Isis. He won't let Kai watch them. Kai explains that Isis was like a phantom pain to him; when he tried to ignore and forget about Isis, he would occasionally feel pain from a wound that didn't exist. He finally made up his mind that an injury that doesn't exist can never heal. He has to acknowledge Isis inside him and point to the wound as the source of his pain. Sanshirou wants Kai to understand it isn't the *wound* that's imaginary, it's the *pain*. Still, he knows it's the best Kai can do for the moment.
Kai is surprised that the mercenary can forgive him for what he did. Sanshirou declares that he really likes Isis, and Isis made the conscious choice to become Kai, so he will accept that decision and trust it was the right one. Unlike Gai, who expects Kai to change, Sanshirou is content with him no matter what. Kai feels a twinge of emotion and is startled to recognize it as jealousy--for the first time, he has a reason to be jealous, and it is over Sanshirou's feelings for his younger self.
He slides onto his partner's lap and makes love to him right there in the chair. Since his full powers are now unleashed, the pleasure is so intense that it actually engages Sanshirou's danger-warning instincts. Afterward, Kai returns to his quarters and continues the computer project he's running. He has to hurry, because he has little time left.
End Volume Six