Saint George and the Bandit--er, Dragon

by Amparo Bertram and the Bedlam Players

Cast of Characters:
NARRATOR enters and sits at a desk with a quill and a long scroll. He/she begins to write with exaggerated gestures.

A funny thing happened on the way, no, no. A long time ago, in a village far, far away--uh, uh. Aha! Once upon a time there was a...bandit.

BANDIT enters stage left and stands in the center of the stage, trying to appear menacing.

One day while out looking for victims to rob, the bandit happened upon...the town mayor.

MAYOR, wearing a distinctive hat, enters from stage right and walks obliviously up to BANDIT.

The bandit quickly drew his...

BANDIT draws a sword.

...His flintlock.

PM enters from stage left and brings a gun to exchange for the sword, then dashes back. MAYOR mimes being held at gunpoint.

On second thought, let's make him a dragon.

PM dashes onstage with the dragon head, which he exchanges for MAYOR's hat. MAYOR/DRAGON menaces BANDIT.

The mayor was terrified at the sight of the great beast.

Realizing they were in error, PM comes back and switches the dragon head to BANDIT, returning MAYOR's hat, then leaves. While BANDIT puts on the head, MAYOR politely holds the gun for him, then gives it back when the transformation is complete.

The dragon swiped at the defenseless mayor with his cruel claws.

PM brings out a set of claws to exchange for the gun. As soon as DRAGON gets the first one on, he uses it to keep MAYOR at bay while PM puts the second set on his other hand. Finally PM leaves again. DRAGON menaces MAYOR with exaggerated gestures.

No, let's say the dragon swiped at the defenseless princess with his cruel claws.

PM brings out a wig and switches it with MAYOR's hat, then leaves.

The beautiful, defenseless princess.

PRINCESS comes from stage left. MAYOR takes off wig and hands it to her, then exits stage left. PRINCESS glances witheringly at the wig and tosses it aside.

The dragon took the beautiful princess captive and, binding her tightly, took her to his cave.

DRAGON takes PRINCESS back a few steps and wraps a rope around her wrists. As soon as he returns to his previous position, the rope falls to the ground. PRINCESS quickly picks it up and holds it in place.

Luckily, a mighty hero appeared to rescue the hapless maiden.

MAYOR enters stage left in his new role as HERO.

No sooner did he spy the monster, than he drew his...

HERO draws a sword and forces DRAGON back.


PM exchanges HERO's sword for a kitchen knife. Now DRAGON forces HERO back.

Rather, his sword.

PM switches the kitchen knife with the same sword HERO had drawn in the first place. HERO brandishes the sword and circles DRAGON, until they reverse positions on the stage.

Make that his deadly lance.

PM runs out with a long, awkward lance, trips, and impales DRAGON, who promptly falls dead. All characters stare at the mess in shock.

The hero charged the dragon with his lance, and the battle commenced.

PM lifts up DRAGON's body, with HERO's help, and HERO pretends to fight the dead beast while PM manipulates its limbs.

The two fought long and hard, first one gaining the upper hand, then the other.

HERO stands still while PM makes DRAGON claw at his face. PM is tiring rapidly. PRINCESS drops the rope and runs to fetch the combatants some water to drink.

The dragon roared in rage.

PM, thinking quickly, shouts out, "Roar!"

As the hero's lance pricked through his protective scales...

Believing the battle to be over, PM drops the body.

...The dragon attacked with renewed fervor.

PM and HERO exchange disgusted glances. PRINCESS brings the water, and they all have a brief rest.

Finally, just as it seemed the hero was lost...

PRINCESS takes the drinks away and they all resume their positions. PM holds DRAGON's claws around HERO's throat, and HERO pretends to strangle.

...An army of one thousand men appeared, sent by the princess' father...

All three look around, puzzled.

...And slew the mighty beast.

PM steps back and lets DRAGON fall to the floor, then dashes offstage. PRINCESS untwists her hands from the rope.

The hero untied the grateful princess.

HERO turns to PRINCESS, who shrugs and holds up the rope.

He leaned toward her...

They lean toward each other excitedly, hoping for a kiss.

...And fell on one knee.

HERO reluctantly does so.

She bent down and gave him...

PRINCESS leans toward him, ready for a kiss.

...A token of her affection.

PRINCESS pats her "pockets," then realizes the only thing she has is the rope, which she drops into his hands apologetically.

She proclaims, "I thank you for your timely rescue, good sir. I cannot help but love you for your noble deeds."

PRINCESS lip-synchs the words.

"I will never leave your side."

PRINCESS thinks the speech is over and stops, only to find out that there were two more words.

"Never, ever." Then they look deeply into each other's eyes...

HERO and PRINCESS think they will finally get to kiss.

..And walk off into the sunset.

HERO and PRINCESS shrug, join hands, and walk off stage left, stepping over the dead DRAGON.



© 1996 Bedlam Players. First performed at the Cynnabar Wassail, December 20, 1996.