What I Learned in 2004: A Practical Knowledge of God

God is a white male Protestant, although he sometimes sympathizes with Catholics. God doesn't really like Jews but he tolerates them because of their land holdings. He's a NASCAR fan. He loves George W. Bush but he doesn't like John F. Kerry. God is a suburbanite and is sending entire cities to Hell. God doesn't like seeing Janet Jackson's breast, even though he made it and thought it was good at the time. God loves the red states better. You'd think this is self-evident because most of America's televangelists are from red states, but that's just a coincidence. He really does love the red states more.

God is a citizen of the United States, even if the Immigration Department took years to get the documentation right and sent it to the wrong address. God loves America but does not love the Arabic and Islamic nations. God loves Europe sometimes but He likes China more all the time because Wal-Mart has a special place in his heart.

God blesses our soldiers but not dead Iraqi children. He blesses American fetuses and hates abortion providers, however.

God's appreciation of conservative economic theory is second only to His love of the Bible. God loves tax cuts, especially those that benefit corporations and wealthy individuals, because tax cuts reward holy works, like mergers that beget massive layoffs. God hates the Inheritance Tax and taxes on stock dividends because they impede His holy desire to let the wealthy keep more of their own hard-earned money.

God so loves American multinational corporations that He sent His only Son to sit on their boards. Jesus once ministered to the poor and the sick, but that's so 1st Century. Now He knows that the poor are too lazy to get a decent job and the sick should have chosen better health care packages. And if the sick don't have any health care coverage it's because they're too lazy to get a decent job. Why would He reward such sinners with universal health coverage or a higher minimum wage?

God hates gays. In his omnipotence, He has seen male homosexual sex and found it icky but He secretly kind of likes lesbian sex. He certainly doesn't want gays to marry. Such relationships do not result in procreation and thereby reduce the number of God's chosen people in America.

God hates euthanasia but He loves Grover Norquist, who wants to shrink government to the size of something he can strangle in the bathtub.

God reserves much of his Holy Wrath for liberals, who steadfastly resist His wishes to pass earthly judgement on the poor, the sick, other religions, and anything or anyone that He doesn't like. For example, liberals demand solid evidence before allowing the American military to invade a defenseless country and die for the oil industry. Liberals want to empower all Americans, not just God's chosen people, which makes Him particularly angry because they're Chosen People, by God, and shouldn't have to share with non-Chosen People. In short, God knows that liberals are evil. He only placed them on His earth to test your faith. Those who voted for George W. Bush passed the test.

And that's what I learned about God in this Holy election year.

Amen.

Copyright 2004, Eric Touchberry