Christmas Is Just Around the Corner

Jackson asked for books on cloning. Julie asked what he would clone.
"I'm not sure yet," he said.

If you run across any books by Stanley, or Dora the Explorer, on cloning, please let us know.

Meanwhile, if you meet a large, bald salamander with a liberal slant, please take me home.

Good News, Bad News

Good News: We now have our own Air America radio station, WLBY 1290 AM Ann Arbor.

Bad News: WLBY is only 500 watts. The station manager says they're going to ask Clear Channel to apply for a power increase.

Bottom line: 500 liberal watts are better than 50,000 conservative watts. But I'd rather have 50,000 liberal watts.

The Ypsilanti Heritage Festival: I Love a Parade

Actually, Ypsilanti loves all its parades. We have four of them as we celebrate Memorial Day, Independence Day, the Heritage Festival, and Labor Day. We line the streets and gossip and applaud the local marching bands, the police cars that would raise our blood pressure if we were together in traffic, the firefighters, the old soldiers, the babies, and the elected officials. Our children scramble for the candy that the paraders throw at our feet. It's a charming, small town habit where we embrace the comfort and artifice of tradition. We are as one -- one big, warm, lump of Cheez Whiz.

The antique tractors were preceded today by a golf cart (John Deere, of course) inviting us to guess the age of each tractor. The age was pasted on the back of the seat. Julie and I played along as the fifteen or so tractors rumbled by. I won, of course, due to my extensive knowledge of 1950s John Deere products. It's easy if you pay attention to the headlight design -- they're a dead giveaway. Fortunately, we didn't have a tractor crisis like we did at the Fourth of July parade. One of them stalled in Depot Town, causing a backup that looked like farm town rush hour.

The antique tractors were followed by this year's newcomers, the Read Lit ladies, an elderly group of garishly dressed women with red feather boas. Julie wondered if we were supposed to guess their ages too, but, as they didn't have any numbers pasted on their fannies, there wasn't much point to it.

My favorite parader, every parade of every year, is the gentleman who tows a calliope trailer behind his red 1960s Cadillac convertible. The top is down; his straw skimmer hat is jauntily cocked to one side in counterpoint to his emotionless face. As he drives with his left hand his right hand perches a monkey hand puppet--a monkey oven mitt, really--on the top of the windshield. The monkey dances to the calliope music and smiles at us. He does the best he can, having only a head and two arms. He just bounces a little from side to side and claps his little hands to the calliope beat, hoping that no one will notice the big red Caddy beneath him.

Sucker puncher

2004 Republican Convention Event Schedule

By Rich Procter

(FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE)

The following is the "first final" list of events for the Republican National Convention in New York City, August 30 to September 2.

AUG. 30

6 p.m. -- OPENING PRAYER read by Mel Gibson, while being flogged with a spiked leather strap wielded by Ann Coulter, who will enjoy it a little too much.

* TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to RED.

* LEST WE FORGET -- HONORARY ROLL CALL of All Members of (and Friends of) Bush Administration Who Might Very Well Have Been Killed In Vietnam If It Hadn't Been For Nasty Trick Knees, Anal Cysts, Recurrent Headaches, and Highly-Placed, Overly-Protective Parents. (Sponsored by Tyson Chicken)

* ANTONIN SCALIA speaks -- "SLAVERY - THE ORIGINAL INTENT OF OUR FOREFATHERS, AND GREAT FOR BUSINESS! (Sponsored by Wal-Mart)

* DICK CHENEY hosts AMBASSADORSHIP RAFFLE - Opening Bid 1,000,000 (cash, non-sequential bills 20's or less)

* CLIMAX OF THE EVENING -- FILM - "BRING IT ON!" Stirring fictionalized re-creation of Mr. Bush's actual dental appointment in Alabama in 1972, where he showed the incredible courage to allow "deep cleaning" of gums without anesthetic. (Sponsored by Sinclair Broadcasting)

* SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT -- "GET BAKED WITH RUSH "Crankster" LIMBAUGH! (Location TBD) (Sponsored by Pfizer)

AUG 31

6 p.m. OPENING PRAYER read by Our Lord (The Passion Of) Jesus H. Christ, as channeled by Lt. General William G. "Jerry" Boykin, the man who first revealed that Mr. Bush was chosen by God to lead this country into war against the heathens. Mr. Boykin will then give a short, upbeat presentation on Islam called, "My God can Beat Up Your God."

* TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to FLASHING RED.

* WAYNE LAPIERRE will pry Davy Crockett's Kentucky Long Rifle out of Charlton Heston's cold dead fingers (subject to Heston's death) (Sponsored by Smith & Wesson)

* DESIGNATED BROWN PERSON (Hispanic or Muslim, or possibly an Hispanic Muslim, if we can find one) will speak on how being a brown person doesn't automatically disqualify you from being a Republican (subject to finding a brown person capable of being bribed to do this - may need professional actor, possibly brought in from 3rd world country)

* CLIMAX OF THE EVENING -- PAUL WOLFOWITZ announces American plans to invade Iran, strip them of nuclear weapons, and turn over entire country to Bechtel to be run as a subsidiary. (Wolfowitz will tell anxious voters that the operation will involve 200 out-sourced "consultants", will take one week and will be entirely funded by pocket change found in a White House couch.) (Sponsored by Halliburton)

* SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT -- "RIDE THE WAVE WITH RUSH "Big Oxy" LIMBAUGH!" (Do a couple of 'ringers' with Big Pharma - sponsored by ROBITUSSIN)

SEPTEMBER 1

* 6 p.m. -- OPENING PRAYER by the REVEREND JERRY FALWELL who will demonstrate the spirit of Compassionate Conservatism(tm) and the eternal mercy of God by wishing a horrible fiery death and an eternity in the pit of hell for all non-white, non-male, non-Christian non-heterosexual non-Republicans.

* TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to PULSATING RED

* THE AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF INSANELY RICH PERSONS (AAIRP) will present LAURA BUSH with A PLATINUM CHAINSAW in thanks for the Bush Administration tax cuts (Sponsored by Gulfstream)

* ANN COULTER, BILL O'REILLY and SEAN HANNITY will lead a special TWO-MINUTE HATE aimed at photo of John Kerry.

* CLIMAX OF THE EVENING -- DIEBOLD CORPORATION WILL ANNOUNCE ELECTION RETURNS - BUSH WINS RE-ELECTION WITH 51% OF VOTE (YET TO BE CAST). (JUSTICE ANTONIN SCALIA will certify vote results) Diebold Board member Wilbur H. Grafton will deny fraud, announce his retirement, and be named the new Ambassador to Jamaica. (Sponsored by Diebold)

* SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT -- GET WRECKED WITH RUSH "Kicker" LIMBAUGH (sponsored by Eli Lilly)

SEPTEMBER 2 (nomination night)

* 6 p.m. -- OPENING PRAYER by ATTORNEY GENERAL JOHN ASHCROFT, who will then sing "Let the Eagle Soar" and light the ceremonial "TORCH OF FREEDOM(tm) with the (actual) Bill of Rights.

* TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to Fire Engine Red, and ANNOUNCES CAPTURE OF OSAMA BIN LADEN.

* CONVENTION SHIFTS TO "GROUND ZERO" - DICK CHENEY will introduce and personally re-nominate PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH, who WILL IMPALE OSAMA BIN LADEN WITH DAVY CROCKETT'S KENTUCKY LONG RIFLE donated by Wayne LaPierre (Sponsored by NRA)

* PRESIDENT BUSH WILL GIVE ACCEPTANCE SPEECH, standing on Osama's dead body.

FIRST PEEK - Here is the proposed text for President Bush's speech: "Hey, Freedom-Lovers! 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay The Course Evil-doers trust my gut 9-11 Freedom Evil-doers Stay The Course Democracy 9-11 Evil-doers trust my gut 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay the course Trust my gut Tax cuts Who cares what you think Evil-doers Things are great Jesus speaks to me 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay The Course Evil-doers 9-11 Freedom Evil-doers Stay The Course Democracy 9-11 Evil-doers trust my gut 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay the course Trust my gut Tax cuts Who cares what you think Evil-doers Things are great Jesus speaks to me. G'night everybody!

POST CEREMONY CLOSING NIGHT PARTY OPPORTUNITIES:

* "GET MAXED with RUSH "ROCKET CAP" LIMBAUGH!" (Sponsored by GlaxoSmithKline)

* RICK SANTORUM 'DOG ON DOG' PETTING ZOO (adults only, please)

* BILL O'REILLY SHOWS OFF PULITZER PRIZE, ACADEMY AWARD, AND NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

* SPECIAL BUFFET - JOHN ASHCROFT will PERSONALLY EXORCISE A KINDLE OF CALICO KITTENS, BARBECUE THEM, AND SERVE THEM ON CANAPES (sponsored by KRAFT "Thick N' Spicy" BBQ Sauce)

(courtesy of smirkingchimp.com)

You have to see this.

Will Ferrell plays Dubya in this ad for Americans Coming Together. You know it's going to be good when he begins with: "This is George W. Bush and I approve this message because I think it's totally awesome."