This one is too good to let disappear, I will not let it. Phod and Kkat's
sTraTeGy RuLebOok has a home here now… A True Classic… -_Zappa|
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Phod and KKat's -EXPANDED- Official Strategy Rulebook
DISCLAIMER
: Any poker losses resulting from following this rulebook are your responsibility, not KKat's or Phod's. Keep in mind that this Strategy Rulebook is just a betting template and that people change all the time.1. Rule 1 - RULE ONE
2. Rule 2 - Food
3. Rule 3 - Betting #1
5. Rule 4 - Posture
6. Rule 5 - Seating Arrangement
9. Strategy Rulebook Quiz #3
10. Strategy Rulebook Extra Credit Quiz #1
11. Rule 7 - Poker Odds
12. Rule 8 - Character Evaluations #1
1.1 If any of the following people raises your bet, you have the same chance of winning that hand as you have of shaking a glass jar full of watch parts and creating a working watch: Enygma, riker.
1.2 If Enygma bets BEFORE the discard, flee. Gather no belongings. Let he who standeth at his plow leave his plow in the field.
1.3 If you have a full house and after the discard, you call a bet of 100 or below, you have qualified yourself as Rule 1.
1.4 Rule One Syndrome (ROS) has been known to show (but not limited to) the following symptoms: A definite stench of dairy products emminating from your person; holding trips before the discard, betting 10, and hoping to keep the people with no pair in the game; problems making watches from watch parts.
1.5 Auditioning for Rule One is prohibited by law in the following states:
Alabama, Florida, Delaware, Minnesota, New York, South Dakota, and sometimes Wisconsin.
2.1 Please help yourself to the cheez-whiz and weiners. Also kool-aid and warm beer.
2.2 Who opened the bag of Fritos and forgot the CHIP-CLIP?
Rule 2.2 Corollary - Oh, never mind, they're stale.
2.3 Best Undernet Poker Munchie: Sour Cream and Onion Chips w/ Coke.
2.4 Worst Undernet Poker Munchie: Dog crap w/ lemonade.
2.5 Undernet Poker is BYOB: Bring Your Own Banana.
3.1 If geirel bets an amount x, and discards y, find x+y, determine the prime factors, square root both sides, and if the result is even, see his bet, and if odd, fold, cuz either way, who knows?
3.2 If ichiban discards 1 and then bets an amount most easily expressed in scientific notation, she has quads.
Rule 3.2 Corollary - ichiban doesn't exist anymore, however, if you happen to see his/her ghost, say "u banned".
3.3 If KKat bets zero and discards zero, ignore it.
Rule 3.3 Corollary - KKat is sometimes wiggin.
3.4 If Phod bets an amount then claims that you should not raise because he has a really good hand, raise.
3.5 Don't trust rhondamn.
3.6 Onioneye usually laughs more than he bets.
Rule 3.6 Corollary - Get Onioneye laughing enough and he'll lose all his money.
Corollary to Rule 3.6 Corollary - Mention "Mr. Ameoba, PT Boats, and the Mastiff
3.7 If yotes bets amount "x", divide "x" by "x" and if you get a 1 then raise all he has.
Rule 3.7 Corollary - yotes has been known to wait 2 hours to play only to be banked first hand. WTG yotes.
Corollary to Rule 3.7 Corollary - What IS yotes?
3.8 If Cirra raises your bet by 69 then either,
a) You are dead. Fold now, cry later.
b) She's trying to distract you from your moderately decent hand.
c) You are dead.
1. What goes good with weiners?
a) lemonade
b) cheez-whiz
c) banana
d) nats
e) &
f) weeniew
2. Rule One Syndrome is best treated with?
a) a cold rag soaked in methane
b) Pepto-Bismol
c) a Winnie the Pooh bandaid
d) geirel
3. When KKat discards zero cards after checking, he's really telling you..
a) "I have crap cards and am too lazy to do anything about it."
b) "You suck, bow down to me."
c) "I have to go potty."
d) "tasten good yea."
e) "Wanna touch my monkey?"
4. Complete this analogy: yotes is to BANKRUPT as...
a) riker is to ZANY
b) Cirra is to CHASTE
c) sjack is to TALKATIVE
d) flowerluv is to COHERENT
e) jingo is to CONSERVATIVE
f) pothead is to PARANOID
5. After reading the Official Strategy Rulebook's guide to Food, it can be implied that which of the following is MOST likely to be edible?
a) batter fried lawn muffins
b) cinnamon roll with almond slivers
c) scalp flakes with milk
d) spooge roll-ups
e) pecker tracks and eggplant
f) excretion toasties
4.1 Always hold cards loosely between forefinger, middlefinger, and and thumb. Thumb should be slightly bent. Oh.. this is on computer.
4.2 Your chair's back should be at a 165 degree angle from the floor.
It should have a slightly elevated cushion for firm rear-end support.
Suggestions for relieving rear-end ailment:
a) Sit on a phone book
b) Stand
c) Walk outside in some fresh air
d) geirel
e) Mastiff
5.1 Undernet Poker Seat #1 is a plain bench, formerly used as a piano at a Quaker church. Turning it over reveals a scratched message which says... "i praise u on knee mr pbot to help me in church. 2 bz to wait for jesus =PPPPPPP". Seat #1 is best known for being the chair from which Burg saw a 2000 raise with King-High, only to lose to Phod's Ace-High
5.2 Undernet Poker Seat #2 is a 30 year-old Electric Chair used to execute death row inmates. Through its fabled history, this chair was used to execute ichiban and stats. stats is still alive, however, but this may begin to explain why stats is so weird. Seat #2's claim to fame is when roger was inadvertantly blindfolded and unable to see the 50,000 bet he was calling, which enabled pothead to reach 100,000 and be victorious in Reset #4.
5.3 Undernet Poker Seat #3 is a saddle with a courderoy cover sitting across two sawhorses. It is the original saddle that Lyverbe used when he ventured into the Undernet and found a new channel. Over 75% of the glossary terms have originated from Seat #3. Seat #3 also has the distinction of being the seat where kul typed the infamous, historical, and ground-breaking letter.. "N".
5.4 Undernet Poker Seat #4 is a futuristic recliner taken from the year 2654. It has a cup holder for your warm beer or kool-aid and a handy pull out tray for your cheez-whiz and weiners. If you are getting bored playing Undernet Poker or you are suffering from an intense losing streak, you can just flip Seat #4's CyberFun Jack-In Switch which will transport you to a world of fun and excitement. However, there are no cheez-whiz and weiners in this world. Seat #4 was home to geirel's 200th bank and CaptAdv's first use of the phrase "Buh buy nooooooo!"
5.5 Undernet Poker Seat #5 was salvaged from US Air Flight 202 that collided with a mountain in Chile during a storm in 1984. It so happens that the person sitting in that seat at the time of the crash was at the time developing a bot which ran much better than the current PBot. No indictments were brought, but one of Lyverbe's hairs was found at the crash site. Seat #5 has seen the highest concentration of people saying things that make no sense.
5.6 Undernet Poker Seat #6 is a Mayan clay Ritual Chair used in the Tenth century. It has two eternally burning candles sitting in its armrest and many Mayan inscriptions on the back. It is believed the Mayans used this chair to speak with their most revered of Gods, "Boney-Bo", the Mayan God of Luck. It should be noted that Seat #6 is best known for the most number of times being screwed by a discard 4 draw.
1. If your sitting chair has a back at a 135 degree angle from the floor and a .5 inch cushion, what should you do?
a) Sit on nats.
b) Make a card castle and transfer it to your seat.
c) Abort.
d) Flip the chair over and perch on an upturned leg.
e) Kick Elvis out of his chair and use that one.
f) Use a sledgehammer to bend your chair's backing to a 165 degree angle from the floor and use a seat cushion that will have firm rear-end support.
2. What phrase is MOST likely inscribed on the bottom of Undernet Poker Seat #3?
a) "wee poker ooo i love poker it makes me happy like a little girl."
b) "This is the bottom of the saddle."
c) "Scratch and Sniff here for info about PBot's author."
d) "Maybe if I put a bot on Undernet, people like jingo and CaptAdv will get the hell off of EFNet."
e) "I'm allergic to diamonds."
3. Complete this sentence from someone who used the CyberFun Jack-In Switch on Undernet Poker Seat #4:
"Damn, this world has no _______ or _______."
a) Sega / Nintendo
b) verbs / pronouns
c) cheez-whiz / weiners
d) chaosbot / acrobot
e) weeniew / mebs
f) pens / pencils
g) septums / sphincters
h) similes / metaphors
i) pizza / decongestants
j) quartz / golf
4. Undernet Poker Seat #2 is an Electric Chair that has been used on stats.
Of the answers below, which is MOST likely stats' final words before being zapped?
a) "I'm being electrocuted.. anything to mumble?"
b) "I am having lobster and meatballs toni--- *ZAP*"
c) "stats crispspspspsispspisps"
d) "hey, i can't die. I am hvae making lobstter and meatbals."
e) "hahahahhahahahahahahahahah"
f) "hey, can you turn it down to like 550 votlage pleas e?"
g) "stats is having ?banana? with volts.. *crispy*"
5. Fill in this sentence spoken by a recent patron of Undernet Poker Seat #6:
"If I get _______ one more time by a ________ _____, I'm going to kill someone!"
a) cornholed / Xdot munch
b) cored / Anal Intruder
c) laid / gorgeous Swede
d) checkmated / fourth grader
e) screwed / discard four
f) interviewed / Nightline anchor
g) fondled / drunken mime
6. kul was the originator of the infamous, historical, and ground-breaking letter:
a) Q
b) A
c) Xtol
d) Gee
e) mebs
f) N
g) &
h) hi
i) oosp
j) Z
k) 3.14
7. What is LEAST likely to be said by a person sitting in Undernet Poker Seat #5?
a) "I raise my fist at the hand of three!"
b) Anything said by elcid
c) A conversation between flowerluv and Burg
d) "The weather today was quite pleasant. Very temperate with a few chillies, but overall, quite peachy!"
e) "ganja"
f) "Needing to discard cards: pothead"
g) Someone dictating the puppylingus FAQ
6.1 A Pair
a) A pair tastes better than an apple, but some say it doesn't have the same nutritional value.
b) A pair of Aces is pretty good.
c) Don't bet 22 with a pair of 2's. You might give away your hand.
d) The best pair to have is Queens, because two Queens can lead to Mutants if you are fortunate. (See below).
e) Some say that a pair of 5's has some mystical value. Next time you have a pair of 5's, trying farming it. Who knows.
f) After exercising, my pair of pants were stinky.
g) When the bet is 50 or under, if you fold holding a pair.. boy.. are you cheap.
h) A pair of 8's are called snowmen. It has something to do with a carrot, but I have forgotten what it is.
i) A pair of 7's sorta look like upside down L's.
6.2 Two pair
a) Two pair is better than one pair. Unless you are talking about tumors, strange warts, or in-laws.
b) If you have two pairs of the same card (for example, you hold four Kings), this is NOT two pair. (and I repeat) This is NOT two pair.
c) Discarding one at the discard is a dead give-away for holding two pair. (Of course unless you are hiding trips, have quad, going for a flush, going for a straight, going for a straight flush, holding a Queen, a 3, a 7, and a 9, bluffing two pair, going for two pair by holding two kickers, just being wiggy, or pulling a KKat but instead discarding 1 instead of 0.)
d) Two pair, Aces and Eights, is called the Dead Man's Hand. It has something to do with foot odor, but I have forgotten what.
e) If you are holding a pair and decide to hold a kicker at the discard, shout out "YYYIIIKKAE" for good luck.
f) If you hold two pair, a good opening bet is 2091. Cause hey, you got two pair.
g) PBot's favorite two pair is two's and three's. PBot likes babies. (Dont's hurt the babies)
6.3 Trips
a) It is always good for the Undernet Poker soul to take a few trips outside to remember that there is a Sun.
b) Three Queens is called "Mutants". It is rumored that this is actually the highest hand in the game. If you have Mutants, bet like there is no tomorrow because rumors are sometimes right.
c) Discarding 1 holding trips is kinda fun, because people will think you are holding Quad.
d) Trips stands for Triple or three-of-a-kind. This means you have to bet a three digit number. Try 251.
e) When you see the phrase "-PBot- Needing to discard cards: SkulKillr", this means PBot is signalling you to discard. Maybe you'll get trips.
f) Three 8's is called a really fat snowman.
g) Never call a bet above 98881 with trips. Because, that is a large number.
6.4 Straight
a) Go straight to jail. Do not pass GO. Do not collect 200 dollars.
b) A straight is when your cards numbers go in a straight line. If you lined then up on a wall that is. Try that.
c) A 4-high straight won't win you many games. So if you happen to get it, you might as well fold. Mumble something funny when you do, people will think you are wacky. Try "ganja".
d) If you are holding: Two Three Four Five Five.. Keep the pair of fives, cause those pair of fives have the mystical property. And if the first card you draw is a Six or an Ace, blame Gonz2.
e) Discarding 2 and pulling a straight is really exciting. Try betting 60000 after you get it. It won't give away what you just got.
f) An Ace-High straight is the highest possible straight. That is of course unless you are playing with an Aceless deck.
g) PBot deals a straight to Seat #3 on Game #'s whose digits added up equal 83. Be ready for it.
6.5 Flush
a) The person who forgot the CHIP-CLIP also forgot to flush the toilet. Thanks a bunch.
b) Winning with a flush is one of the most exciting wins in Undernet Poker. Try shouting "Hey, I beat you with my flush, dork! Neener Neener! Eat my flush for lunch, buddy!" to your opponent. He'll be happy that you are so excited.
c) PBot will never fill a flush when other players are holding trips. I think it is a bug. Someone tell Cirra.
d) Discarding 2 and getting a flush is for wussies. If you do it, fold. But tell everyone what you had cause they'll like you for it.
e) If you are dealt a flush, trying betting 3201. If someone stays in, discard 1. If you get a flush again, you will for sure win. Cause no one can beat two flushes.
f) The CHIP-CLIP was flushed down the toilet (working theory).
g) If you have a flush, but lose to a higher and more elegant flush, trying shutting off your computer (use the ON/OFF switch in the back). Sometimes PBot will feel sorry for you and reverse his decision. PBot can be a nice guy.
h) Holding a flush in either diamonds or hearts is a for sure winner. Red is a pretty color.
6.6 Full House
a) Anyone ever watch the TV show "Full House"? Boy, what crap that is.
b) A Full House is also called "a boat". This is because the first person who got a Full House got it while travelling on a boat. His name was Henry. Henry Full House.
c) Sometimes it is fun to seperate your full house into three-of-a-kind and a pair. That way, you can see how many people you can humiliate by saying, "Look, all I need was this pair of 10's to beat you! Haha!" or "Look, I had trips, too! Big fat snowmen!"
d) An Ace Ace Ace King King full house is called a Titanic. A Two Two Two Three Three full house is called a Dinghy. A Seven Seven Seven Jack Jack full house is called a Boomerrang. A Four Four Jack King Ace full house is called a pair.
e) If you get a full house and win some monies, thank PBot. He dealt the cards and maybe you should tip him also. PBot likes 10000 increments.
f) You are more likely to get a full house after discarding 1 with two pair than you are discarding 4 with two pair.
g) If you are dealt a full house, opening with a bet of 2 is a good way to win a 62 pot.
h) If you are dealt a full house, be sure not to give it away by shouting "I've got a full house! Holy cripes!". Still shout, but shout something else. Try "I've got 7-high! Really, I do! I don't have a full house! Please stay in, I'll only bet 1000. 7-high! Really!" This works everytime. (Note: This method doesn't work with a Titanic full house)
6.7 Quad
a) Quad rhymes with Phod
b) If you get Quad on the deal, just switch off your computer, get in your car, drive to the nearest bar, and have one on the house. You deserve it.
c) Getting dealt Quad: Probability of winning a pot more than 1000: 5605 to 1. Probability of winning a pot of 100 or less: 2 to 1.
d) If you are dealt Quad, consider discarding 3 cards and keeping a pair, cause hey.. you'll still have a pair.
e) PBot has been known to give Quads to the first person who types "/notice #poker Gimme dem Quad thingers".
f) To prevent giving away your stellar Quad hand, try betting a five digit number. Your opponent will think you went loopy.
g) Four 8's is a snowman with a severe weight problem. Contact health officials immediately.
h) Ace Ace Ace Ace King can be thought of as a REALLY full house.
6.8 Straight Flush
a) Confirmed: The CHIP-CLIP was given the straight flush down the toilet.
b) Worship the Straight Flush
c) Xdot has claimed to miss more inside straight flushes than anyone. (Conspiracy)
d) An Ace-High Straight Flush is called a "Royal Flush". A Nine-High Straight Flush is called a "Serf Flush". A Five-High Straight Flush is called "Loser Flush".
e) PBot deals a straight flush once every 56,231 hands. That equates to irreversible butt damage if you sit there for all 56,231 hands to witness two straight flushes.
f) Hey, if you have a straight flush, you win. 'Nuff said. Unless "Mutants" come into play. (See above.)
1. If you turn a pair of 7's upside down, the resulting image closely resembles which of the following?
a) a pair of 3's.
b) the word HELL (add 4 and 3, use calculator).
c) the Mona Lisa (magnify 120x).
d) a pair of upside-down 7's.
e) the antennae of the Insect Lesbians of Rigel-XII.
f) they look like tiny little raisins.. if you squint.
g) The Chinese characters for the phrase "Poker rules sometimes."
2. Solve this analogy: Pair of 5's is to MYSTICAL as ...
a) CaptAdv is to COMPASSIONATE
b) Xdot is to IRRATIONAL
c) nats is to WIGGIN
d) Quasar7 is to INTRIGUING
e) Lyverbe is to MACHO
3. Having two pairs is preferable to:
a) Biting into a hotdog and finding a vein
b) Being strapped face down into the sweaty crack of a fat woman's ass
c) Licking honey out of Willard Scott's ear
d) Losing your dinger in a bull-riding accident
e) Losing a hand of poker and seeing this: CaptAdv - ZOINK!
f) a) and c)
g) d) and a)
h) e), b), a), and z)
i) None of the above.
j) All of the above.
4. The best thing to yell when holding a _______ is "_______".
a) squash , "Will Rodgers, please come home!"
b) pencil, "This is a pencil!"
c) thing, "What is this thing?"
d) footlong hotdog, "Holy sheester, lookit that fat guy!"
e) kicker, "YIIIKKAAEE!!"
f) pie eating contest, "SOOEEEE PIG PIG PIG"
5. Solve this anagram, which means "Three Queens": SMUNATT
a) Tantums
b) Quizlet
c) Mutants
d) One more than two Queens
e) mebs
f) Excretion toasty
g) Mattnus
h) wiggin
6. Mumbling "ganja" implies that:
a) Your nick is "CaptAdv" and you just banked Giant for the 5th time.
b) Your nick is "KKat" and you just got booted off by the TIMER.
c) PBot gave you a wedgie.
d) Something was wrong with the cheez-whiz and weiners.
e) Your next tidbit will be "burg want bank u hahahahahaha".
f) Something was REALLY wrong with the cheez-whiz and weiners.
7. The only thing that can beat *TWO* flushes is:
a) Mike Tyson
b) A really large stick
c) The Incredible Hulk
d) bad breath
e) yotes
f) All of the above
g) None of the above
h) bad breath (rotten cheez-whiz and weiners variety)
8. Complete this sentence, "If you lose to a better ______, try hitting your __________."
a) rodent, Grandma
b) flush, ON/OFF switch
c) Beauty contestant, broken nose
d) cookie, chef
e) quartz, golf
f) full house, gall bladder
9. True or False: A "Ten Ten Ten Five Five" Full House is called a "Lubricant".
a) True
b) False
c) Unknown
d) WOL
e) geirel
10. If you are dealt Quad, which of the following is MOST likely to occur?
a) You are playing against rhondamn, Izit, Burg, geirel, and CaptAdv.. all of whom were dealt a full house and opened the betting at 20000.
b) You pee in your britches in glee, then fold accidentally.
c) Your spouse says it's time for bed and switches off the computer.
d) You win a pot of 692821.
e) Xdot says something about missing a Royal Flush.
f) Everyone folds before you can type "p bet 100".
g) Dogs and cats ruling the world.. total anarchy!
11. If Four 8's is a snowman with a weight problem, what is Five 8's?
a) A hand that would beat five 7's
b) Enough snow to cover the entire universe
c) Tom, Bruce, Don, Willis, and Jerry
d) Williard Scott and Co.
e) N likely
12. Using Rule 6.8d as a guide, what would a Six-high Straight Flush be called?
a) Cheese Flush
b) mebs Flush
c) Dork Flush
d) Mustard and Sardine Flush
e) Beavis Flush
f) hulkster Flush
EC1. Match the following nicks with their historical bets.
NICKS
1) geirel
2) SNUFFLES
3) Izit
4) roger
5) -Random Newbie-
6) riker
7) Burg
8) Cirra
9) Xdot
10) -Anonymous Rule Oner-
BETS
a) 69
b) 111
c) 0
d) 200
e) 88
f) munch
g) 50000
h) 666
i) p check
j) 33
CaptAdv
yotes
riker
Gonz2
Enygma
NorthExp
Elvis
1. According to the Poker Odds, the odds of you wanting to be in Enygma's Hot Tub after you see what is floating in the corner is 25,000 to 1. What is that thing floating in the corner?
a) ichiban
b) an unsterilized Four of Diamonds
c) Elvis's sequined outfit
d) a pope on a rope
e) an excretion toasty
f) a drunk PBot
2. Using the Undernet Poker Odds as a guide, complete the following sentence. The approximate odds of Cirra saying "_______________" is "_________" to 1.
a) Man oh man, I love fudge! / 1500
b) Say, Elvis, could you run PBot for the next week? / 16,000
c) dog dew / 2
d) My taco is leaking! / 5
e) I love seagulls / 200
f) I hereby announce that flowerluv is a level 1 cop! / 65,000,000,000,000
3. Which of the following IRC users has the greatest odds of being helped by an Undernet Poker Cop?
a) DAWG6
b) NoPanties
c) ttom
d) e8azcv_1
e) helpme
f) HappyMan
g) PokerStud
h) KKat
i) domnator
4. Complete this analogy: yotes is to "Vegetarian Digest" as ?
a) Cirra is to "Goddess Digest"
b) onioneye is to "The Geek Gazette"
c) Quasar7 is to "How to Make Friends and Influence People"
d) pdb is to "mebs and its uses"
e) pothead is to "Who the Hell is Conspiring Against Me Now? (A collection of short essays)"
f) CaptAdv is to "GQ"
5. What does riker call his pop can he flys around like a spacecraft at the Kwickie Mart?
a) U.S.S. Sprite
b) Please Recycle
c) The Mighty Flying Mr. PiBB
d) 1701-Delicious
e) Big Gulp (equipped with photon torpedoes and duel phaser banks)
f) The Millenium Mello-Yello commanded by Commander riker
g) Sweetcheeks
h) Romulan WarCoke
i) Mountain Doodlie
6. Complete this exclamation, said by a recent observer of the mighty GONZILLA: "Wow that Gonzilla! He could crush _________ with his bare _________.
a) ball bearings / butt cheeks
b) Tokyo / forehead
c) Rush Limbaugh / eyelash
d) CaptAdv's ego / dinger
e) Saturn / armpit
f) PBot / loogie
7. Which of the following are you most likely to find Elvis wearing when he's playing poker?
a) nothing
b) a pink leotard and some loafers
c) a g-string and some nipple stars
d) Birkenstocks and a leather jacket with fringes
e) saran wrap
f) a sun bonnet
g) his white sequin jumpsuit (the one with the taco sauce stains)
h) chocolate syrup and marshmellow
i) wool underwear and chain mail
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