Things You Should Have Learned
The Time You Reach Middle Age
is a very high price to pay for maturity.
to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes
you a car.
intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
well, stay fit, die anyway.
are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
always look bigger going than coming.
is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need
is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
37 Things you wish you could say at work:
1. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
2. How about never? Is never good for you?
3. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
8. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
9. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
10. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
11. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
12. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
13. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
14. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
15. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
16. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
17. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
18. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
19. You sound reasonable.Time to up the medication.
20. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
21. Do I look like a people person?
22. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
23. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
24. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
25. Allow me to introduce my selves.
26. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
27. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
28. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
29. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
30. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen
31. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
32. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
33. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
34. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
35. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
36. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
37. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.