Metaphors Found in High School Essays
She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind
you get from not eating for a while.
Grandpa had a mind like a steel trap, only one
that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil.
But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her
breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he heard
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
It was an American tradition, like a father chasing
around his children with power tools.
She walked into my office like a centipede with
98 missing legs.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally
staple it to the wall.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli
and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that
had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
Thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking
alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like
that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond
exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement
like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair
after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just
like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
They lived in a suburban neighborhood with picket
fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two
hummingbirds who had also never met.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from
experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without
one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking
at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one
of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years
had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like
a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole
scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another
city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed
lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains,
one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical
lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping
on a land mine or something.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
to the Funny Stuff page
to Betsy's Main page