Assorted Jokes

Gender-varied Definitions

THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female......Any part under a car's hood.

Male..........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.


VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male.....Playing football without a cup.


COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female.......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male..........Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.


COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n

Female .......A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male...........Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.


ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male...........Anything that can be done while drinking beer.


FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female......An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.

Male...........A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.


MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female......The greatest  expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male..........Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it.


REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male...........A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes



1. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
2. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
3. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
4. Why is the word abbreviation so long?
5. Is it possible to be totally partial?
6. What's another word for thesaurus?
7. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
8. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
9. When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
10. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
11. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
12. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
15. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
16. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
17. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
18. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
19. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
20. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
21. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
22. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
23. Is there another word for synonym?
24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
25. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
26. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
27. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
28. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
29. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
30. Why do they report power outages on TV?

You know you live in San Francisco when...

Your co-worker tells you they have eight piercings- and none are visible.

You make well over $100,000 and you still can't find a nice place to live.

You think anyone who drives a car to work is decadent.

You keep a list of companies to boycott.

You would never dream of crossing a picket line.

You take the bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

You realize there are far more Rainbow flags in the city than California state flags.

The guy who cuts your hair is straight, your plumber is gay,

The woman who delivers your mail is straight and your Mary Kay Lady is gay.

Old friends you haven't talked to in years suddenly call- do you have a spare bedroom for a weekend?

You think anyone wearing a George Clooney haircut is visiting from the Midwest.

You can't remember...Is pot still illegal?

You go to your office manager's baby shower - the parent's are named Judy and Becky.

You give a "thumbs up" gesture to a car with a "FREE TIBET" bumper sticker-and you mean it.

You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown, and are willing to fight about it.

A really great parking spot can move you to tears.

You prefer the Spanish Soaps on TV - the guys are much hotter!

You know that anyone wearing shorts in June is just visiting from Ohio.

A man walks by in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't notice.

You still can't believe a company doesn't offer domestic partner benefits.

You curse those damn tourists - but always stop to help a cute guy/gal who is looking puzzled at a city map.

When you drive under an underpass- for one moment you think "earthquake".

Your boss runs in "The Bay to Breakers"... it's the first time you have seen him nude.

Your child's 3rd grade teacher has a nose ring and is named "Breeze".

You are thinking of taking an adult ed class - but you can't decide between a Yoga, Channeling or Building Your Web Site class.

Your new neighbor goes to temple- but you are still not sure if they are Jewish or Buddhist.

You realize the only Republicans you know are your Aunt and Uncle in Georgia.

Top 10 Excuses McDonalds had for Condom found in Hamburger

10. We were test-marketing the new "McTrojan".

9. Condom, condiment--what's the damn difference?

8. It still tastes better than the "Arch Deluxe".

7. It was either there or in the vanilla shake.

6. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true.

5. We're experimenting with a new, even happier "Happy Meal".

4. So what -- a regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway.

3. Employees too embarrassed to say, "Would you like condoms with that?"

2. Drive-thru speaker broken -- "Coke with lots of ice" sounded like "prophylactic device".

1. When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too careful.


Reality According to the Movies

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

The Chief of Police is always black. And angry.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill; just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: ENTER PASSWORD NOW.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt-upright and pant.

It is not necessary to say hello or good-bye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, he will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur, will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

Most dogs are immortal.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.


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