[Back to Scene 15]
[Before the wedding, somewhere in Theed Palace.]
Palpatine: You don't seem excited, my little muffet.
Amidala: Should I be?
Palpatine: Brides often are, I'm told.
Amidala: I do not marry tonight. My Anakin will save me.
[Scene: The Chapel Royal]
Voice: [distant] Stand your ground, droids, stand your ground! Oh dear, oh dear!
[Scene: outside the Palace gate]
Threepio: Stand your ground! Oh, my!
[Yoda, with holocaust cloak, stands atop the astromech droid's periscope. Quite a strange sight they are, a six-foot tall green-skin with small head and pointy ears. Obi-wan is ducking behind the struggling astromech, dragging Anakin with him.]
Yoda: The Sith Lord Vader am I! No survivors will there be!
Anakin: Not yet.
Yoda: Many are here, I am here. But soon, you will not be here.
Anakin: Light him.
Yoda: The Sith Lord takes no survivors! All your worst nightmares are about to come true!*
[Back in the Chapel]
Voice: Stay where you are! Fight! Stay
where you are!
Impressive Clergyman: So tweasuwe youw wove, --
Palpatine:Skip to the end.
Clergyman: Have you the wing?
Amidala: Here comes my Anakin now.
Anakin: Yoda, the blast doors! [As the blast doors close between Threepio and the trio, Yoda makes a small gesture with his hand. The doors suddenly stop and, with a whine of overstressed servos, open again.]
[In the chapel again]
Palpatine: Your Anakin is dead. I killed him myself.
Amidala: Then why is there fear behind your eyes?
Anakin: Give us the access code.
Threepio: I have no access code. I am, however, fluent in over six million forms of--.
Obi-Wan: Yoda, tear his arms off.
Threepio: How rude!
Obi-Wan: Yoda, his arms.
Threepio: Oh, you mean this access code.
[Back in the chapel]
Impressive Clergyman: And do you, Qween Amidaaawwaa,--
Palpatine: Man and wife! Say man and wife!!
Impressive Clergyman: Man and wife.
Palpatine: Escort the bride to the honeymoon suite. I'll be there shortly.
Amidala: He didn't come.
[A corridor in the palace. Darth Maul and a number of battle-droids encounter Obi-Wan, Yoda, and Anakin. Yoda is levitating Anakin along.]
Lord Maul: Kill the sprout-headed one and the midget, but leave the third for questioning.
[Obi-wan ignites his lightsaber and obliterates the droids. Lord Maul ignites his own and engages Obi-Wan but is steadily retreating.]
Obi-Wan: Hello. My name is Obi-Wan Kenobi. You killed my Master. Prepare to die.
[Lord Maul steps backward and a blast door drops between ]
Yoda!!!!!! I need you!!!!!
Yoda: I can't leave him alone.
getting away from me, Yoda!!! Please!!! Arr!!! Yoda!!! Aaargh!!
Yoda: Return I will.
Obi-Wan: Arr! Arrgh! [Yoda raises his hand and gestures at the door. The blast door is blown off its rails in a shower of sparks and smashes into the far wall.]
Obi-Wan: Thank you.
[Scene: A different corridor somwehere in the Palace]
Chancellor: Strange wedding.
Chancellor's Aide: Yes. A very strange wedding. Come along.
Chancellor: [Amidala kisses him] What was that for?
Amidala: Because you've always been so kind to me, and I won't be seeing you again, since I'm killing myself once we reach the honeymoon suite.
Chancellor: Won't that be nice? She kissed me! [laughs]
[Scene: In a castle stairway to cellar dining room. Obi-Wan is bleeding badly from a dagger thrown my Lord Maul.]
Obi-Wan: Sorry, my Master. I tried. I tried.
Lord Maul: You must be that little Padawan brat I taught a lesson to all those years ago. Simply incredible. Have you been chasing me your whole life, only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I've ever heard. How marvelous.
[Scene: Honeymoon suite. Amidala has taken a jeweled dagger out of its box and is about to kill herself. She doesn't see Anakin lying on the bed behind her.]
Anakin: There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. 'Twould be a pity to damage yours.
Amidala: Anakin! Oh, Anakin darling! Anakin, why won't you hold me?
Amidala: At a time like this, that's all you can think to say, "gently"?
Anakin: Gently! [thumps head] Urr!
[Go to Scene 17]
[Go to the Index]
[Int: the Chapel Royal at Theed Palace]
* Editor's Note: Battle droids, do, in fact, have dreams and consequently, nightmares. These frequently involve being disassembled or turned into common household appliances. A food processor is the absolute worst fate for any droid. It should be noted that only androids, and not battledroids, dream electric sheep.
["Your Anakin is dead. I killed him myself."]