[Back to Scene 15]

[Before the wedding, somewhere in Theed Palace.]

Palpatine: You don't seem excited, my little muffet.

Amidala: Should I be?

Palpatine: Brides often are, I'm told.

Amidala: I do not marry tonight. My Anakin will save me.

[Scene: The Chapel Royal]
Impressive Clergyman: Mawwage. Mawwage is what bwings us togethew today. Mawwage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within a dweam.

Voice: [distant] Stand your ground, droids, stand your ground! Oh dear, oh dear!

[Scene: outside the Palace gate]

Threepio: Stand your ground! Oh, my!

[Yoda, with holocaust cloak, stands atop the astromech droid's periscope. Quite a strange sight they are, a six-foot tall green-skin with small head and pointy ears. Obi-wan is ducking behind the struggling astromech, dragging Anakin with him.]

Yoda: The Sith Lord Vader am I! No survivors will there be!

Obi-Wan: Now?

Anakin: Not yet.

Yoda: Many are here, I am here. But soon, you will not be here.

Obi-Wan: Now?

Anakin: Light him.

Yoda: The Sith Lord takes no survivors! All your worst nightmares are about to come true!*

[Back in the Chapel]
Impressive Clergyman: And wove, twue wove, wiww fowwow you fowevah--

[back outside]
Yoda: The Sith Lord is here for your...er...subprocessor matrices!

Voice: Stay where you are! Fight! Stay where you are!

Impressive Clergyman: So tweasuwe youw wove, --

Palpatine:Skip to the end.

Clergyman: Have you the wing?

Amidala: Here comes my Anakin now.

Anakin: Yoda, the blast doors! [As the blast doors close between Threepio and the trio, Yoda makes a small gesture with his hand. The doors suddenly stop and, with a whine of overstressed servos, open again.]

[In the chapel again]

Palpatine: Your Anakin is dead. I killed him myself.

Amidala: Then why is there fear behind your eyes?

[outside again]

Anakin: Give us the access code.

Threepio: I have no access code. I am, however, fluent in over six million forms of--.

Obi-Wan: Yoda, tear his arms off.

Threepio: How rude!

Obi-Wan: Yoda, his arms.

Threepio: Oh, you mean this access code.

[Back in the chapel]

Impressive Clergyman: And do you, Qween Amidaaawwaa,--

Palpatine: Man and wife! Say man and wife!!

Impressive Clergyman: Man and wife.

Palpatine: Escort the bride to the honeymoon suite. I'll be there shortly.

Amidala: He didn't come.

[A corridor in the palace. Darth Maul and a number of battle-droids encounter Obi-Wan, Yoda, and Anakin. Yoda is levitating Anakin along.]

Lord Maul: Kill the sprout-headed one and the midget, but leave the third for questioning.

[Obi-wan ignites his lightsaber and obliterates the droids. Lord Maul ignites his own and engages Obi-Wan but is steadily retreating.]

Obi-Wan: Hello. My name is Obi-Wan Kenobi. You killed my Master. Prepare to die.

[Lord Maul steps backward and a blast door drops between ]

Yoda!!!!!! I need you!!!!!

Yoda: I can't leave him alone.

Obi-Wan: He's getting away from me, Yoda!!! Please!!! Arr!!! Yoda!!! Aaargh!!
[Obi-wan is struggling to Force the door open.]

Yoda: Return I will.

Obi-Wan: Arr! Arrgh! [Yoda raises his hand and gestures at the door. The blast door is blown off its rails in a shower of sparks and smashes into the far wall.]

Obi-Wan: Thank you.

[Scene: A different corridor somwehere in the Palace]

Chancellor: Strange wedding.

Chancellor's Aide: Yes. A very strange wedding. Come along.

Chancellor: [Amidala kisses him] What was that for?

Amidala: Because you've always been so kind to me, and I won't be seeing you again, since I'm killing myself once we reach the honeymoon suite.

Chancellor: Won't that be nice? She kissed me! [laughs]

[Scene: In a castle stairway to cellar dining room. Obi-Wan is bleeding badly from a dagger thrown my Lord Maul.]

Obi-Wan: Sorry, my Master. I tried. I tried.

Lord Maul: You must be that little Padawan brat I taught a lesson to all those years ago. Simply incredible. Have you been chasing me your whole life, only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I've ever heard. How marvelous.

[Scene: Honeymoon suite. Amidala has taken a jeweled dagger out of its box and is about to kill herself. She doesn't see Anakin lying on the bed behind her.]

Anakin: There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. 'Twould be a pity to damage yours.

Amidala: Anakin! Oh, Anakin darling! Anakin, why won't you hold me?

Anakin: Gently.

Amidala: At a time like this, that's all you can think to say, "gently"?

Anakin: Gently! [thumps head] Urr!

[Go to Scene 17]

[Go to the Index]

[Int: the Chapel Royal at Theed Palace]

* Editor's Note: Battle droids, do, in fact, have dreams and consequently, nightmares. These frequently involve being disassembled or turned into common household appliances. A food processor is the absolute worst fate for any droid. It should be noted that only androids, and not battledroids, dream electric sheep.

["Your Anakin is dead. I killed him myself."]