[Back to Scene 13]

[Scene: Pit of Despair]

Obi-Wan: Well, the Kenobi's have never taken defeat easily.* Come along, Yoda. Bring the body.

Yoda: The body?

Obi-Wan: Have you any money?

Yoda: I have a little.

Obi-Wan: I just hope it's enough to buy a miracle, that's all.

[Scene: Outside a small hut. Obi-Wan knocks on the door. A small window opens and a face appears]

Miracle Mace: Go away. [Obi-Wan continues to knock.] What, what?

Obi-Wan: Are you the Miracle Mace who worked for the Chancellor all those years?

Miracle Mace: The stinking Senator fired me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed. [knocking] Beat it, or I'll call the Jedi squad!

Yoda: I'm on the Jedi Squad.

Miracle Mace: You are the Jedi squad.

Obi-Wan: We need a miracle. It's very important.

Miracle Mace: Look, I'm retired. And besides, why would you want someone the Chancellor's stinking protege fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle.

Obi-Wan: He's already dead.

Miracle Mace: He is, huh? I'll take a look. Bring him in.
[They enter. Anakin is laid on the table. Mace lifts an arm and drops it. Mace examines him further.]

Miracle Mace: I've seen worse.

Obi-Wan: Sir...sir??

Miracle Mace: Huh?

Obi-Wan: We're in a terrible rush.

Miracle Mace: Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got money?

Obi-Wan: Sixty-five Republic credit.

Miracle Mace: Sheesh! I never worked for so little. Except once, and that was a very noble cause.

Obi-Wan: This is noble sir. This is the chosen one, the one who will bring balance to the Force! His midiclorian count is higher even than Yoda's!

Miracle Mace: Are you a rotten liar!

Obi-Wan: I need him to help avenge my Master, murdered these twenty years.

Miracle Mace: Your first story was better. Where's that bellows crammed? He probably owes you money, huh? Well, I'll ask him.

Obi-Wan: He's dead. He can't talk.

Miracle Mace: Hoo hoo hoo! Look who knows so much, heh? Well, it just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead.* There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please, open his mouth. Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead...well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing you can do.

Obi-Wan: What's that?

Miracle Mace: Go through his clothes and look for loose change.
[Mace puts the bellows to Anakin's mouth, and blows air in.]

Miracle Mace: Hey! Hello in there! Hey! What's so important? What you got here that's worth living for?

[Mace pushes down on Anakin's chest, forcing the air out.]
Anakin: T-R-U-E...L-O-V-E...

Obi-Wan: "True Love", you heard him? You could not ask for a more noble cause than that.

Miracle Mace: Yeah, True Love is the greatest thing in the world, except for a nice BLT---Bantha, lettuce and tomato sandwich, when the Bantha is nice and lean, and the tomato is ripe. [makes puckering sound] They're so perky. I love that. But that's not what he said---he distinctly said "To blathe" and as we all know, to blathe means to bluff, heh? So you were probably in a Sabacc game, and he cheated--

[A lady storms into the room]

Adi Gallia: Liar! Liar! Liar!

Miracle Mace: Get back, witch!

Adi Gallia: I'm not a witch, I'm a Council member, but after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore.

Miracle Mace: You never had it so good.

Adi Gallia: True Love, he said "True Love", Mace.

Miracle Mace: Not another word, Adi Gallia.

Adi Gallia: He's afraid. Ever since Senator Palpatine fired him, his confidence is shattered.

Miracle Mace: Why'd you say that name? You promised me that you would never say that name!

Adi Gallia: What, Palpatine?

Miracle Mace: Aaaigh!

Adi Gallia: Palpatine! Palpatine! Palpatine! Palpatine! Palpatine! Palpatine! Palpatine! Palpatine! Palpatine! Palpatine!

Miracle Mace: I'm not listening.

Adi Gallia: His life's expiring, and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help.

Miracle Mace: Nobody's hearing nothing!

Adi Gallia: Palpatine! Palpatine! Palpatine! Palpatine!

Obi-Wan: This is Amidala's True Love. If you heal him, he will stop Palpatine's wedding.

Miracle Mace: Enough! Wait, wait. I make him better, Palpatine suffers?

Obi-Wan: Humiliations galore.

Miracle Mace: Ha ha ha! I'm gonna lick the dalmation! That is a noble cause. Gimme the sixty-five. I'm on the job.

Adi Gallia: woo-hoo!

[Change to Adi Gallia coating the pill with chocolate]

Obi-Wan: That a miracle pill?

Adi Gallia: The chocolate coating makes it go down easier, but you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency, and he shouldn't go in swimming after for at least--

Miracle Mace: An hour--

Adi Gallia: Yeah, an hour--

Miracle Mace: A good hour.

Obi-Wan: Thank you for everything.

Miracle Mace: Okay.

Adi Gallia: Bye-bye, boys!

Miracle Mace: Have fun storming the castle!

Adi Gallia: Think it'll work?

Miracle Mace: It would take a miracle.

Miracle Mace and Adi Gallia: Bye-bye!!

[Go to Scene 15]

[Go to the Index]

* True. One of Obi-wan Kenobi's ancestors was a famed general who, even when facing eight to one odds during the last expansion phase of the Republic seven hundred years ago, refused to leave the field to his opponents. Although he had already been defeated once by the same opponent, he charged his opponents line. For Obi-wan's sake, however, we will not discuss what happened to that ancestor. (If you really must know, ask Yoda-he was at the Jedi Academy at the time, after all.)
* The Standard Dectarii Credit is the official currency in the Galactic Republic. As there is no other significant power in the galaxy, it has no exchange rate. Rather, its value is set by the Galactic Trade Commission and periodically adjusted as necessary. In many parts of the Republic, it is nearly impossible to find anyone who will honor it.

* Editor's Note: The clinical definition of "Mostly Dead," as defined by the Coruscant University Medical School, is "A being that is between 1.50 and 2.75 percent alive, or between 97.25 and 98.50 percent dead, will be defined as Mostly Dead."

[Miracle Mace was a bit cynical about True Love and BLTs.]

[Those eyes just scream "Paranormal Activity!"]

[Miracle Mace (w/ Miracle Hat) finds a noble cause...]