[Back to Scene 10]

[Scene: Pit of Carkoon. Equipment is strewn liberally about the chamber. Anakin is strapped to a table; there is a computer terminal at a nearby desk.]

Lord Maul: Beautiful, isn't it? Took me half a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure you've discovered my deep and abiding interest in pain. At present, I'm writing the definitive work on the subject, so I want you to be totally honest with me on how The Machine makes you feel. This being our first try, I'll use the lowest setting.
[Maul moves a lever from zero to one. Water starts flowing, powering the machine. Anakin writhes in pain.]

Lord Maul: As you know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries old. Well, really that's all this is except that instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life. I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you, so let's just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity, so be honest. How do you feel?

Anakin: [whimper...]

Lord Maul: Interesting.

[Scene: Palpatine's Office]

Threepio: Ahem!

Palpatine: Threepio. Threepio: Senator.

Palpatine: [motions Threepio to join him] As chief protocol droid of all Naboo, I trust you with this secret: killers from the Trade Federation are infiltrating the Smugglers' Quarter and plan to murder my bride on our wedding night.

Threepio: My spy network has heard no such news, and I am fluent in over six million forms of espion--

[Amidala appears at the door]

Amidala: Any word from Anakin?

Palpatine: Too soon, my angel. Patience.

Amidala: He will come for me.[She leaves.]

Palpatine: Of course. [to Threepio] She will not be murdered. On the day of the wedding, I want the Smugglers' Quarter emptied.

Threepio: Many of the smugglers will resist. My regular droid armies will be inadequate.

Palpatine: FORM A JEDI SQUAD, then. I want the Smugglers' Quarter emptied before I wed.

Threepio: And the smugglers?

Palpatine: Wipe them out. All of them.

Threepio: It won't be easy.

Palpatine: Try taking over the galaxy someday.

[Scene: Smugglers' Quarter. The Jedi Squad moving in and about huts, dragging smugglers into waiting skiffs.]

Ben Kenobi: "The day of the wedding arrived. The Jedi squad had their hands full carrying out Palpatine's orders."

Threepio: I say, is everybody out?

Assistant Jedi: Almost. There's a Padawan giving us some trouble.

Threepio: Then you give him some trouble. Move. Oh, dear, oh dear, I knew this was a bad idea!

[Scene: Outside a cantina. Obi-Wan is sprawled near the entrance, nursing a bottle]

Obi-Wan: I am waiting for you, Nute Gunray. You told me to go back to the beginning. So I have. This is where I am, and this is where I will stay. I will not be moved.

Assistant Jedi: Ho there!

Obi-Wan: I do not budge. Keep your "Ho there".

Assistant Jedi: But the Senator gave orders.

Obi-Wan: So did Nute Gunray. When the job went wrong he went back to the beginning. Well, this is where we got the job, so it's the beginning. And I am staying till Nute Gunray come.
[Obi-Wan swipes at Assistant with lightsaber]

Assistant Jedi: You, Jedi, come here! [Yoda waddles over]

Obi-Wan: I am waiting for Nute GunrayÉ Yoda: You'll surely wait...all day. Hello.

Obi-Wan: It's you.

Yoda: Who? Look so good you do not.

Obi-Wan: Phbphbphbphbphbphbphbphbt!

Yoda: And smell so good, you do not.

Obi-Wan: Perhaps no. I feel fine.

Yoda: Yes?

[Yoda lobotomizes the assistant Jedi with a mind trick, and levitates the now passed-out Obi-Wan to a nearby dwelling.]

[INT: The Pit of Carkoon, secret torture chamber]

[The Smugglers' Quarter: a wretched hive of scum and villany.]

[A Jedi Squad, Threepio found, is a useful way to clear places.]

[The green trim can be blamed on Obi-Wan's alcohol problem.]