Ten Ways We Should Have Prepared



10. One week before the trip, have ten cubic yards of sand delivered to your home. Sprinkle liberally in your bed, dresser drawers, and on kitchen and bathroom counters. Fill your saltshaker, sugar bowl, and cereal boxes with sand, and use as usual. Fill garbage can lids full of sand, place in front of fans, and run them continuously at maximum speed (the giant fans used on movie sets are preferable). For added realism, dig a large pit just in front of the fans and sand, fill with 300 lbs. of charcoal, and light. (Do not do this indoors!!)

9. After renting a projection TV, illuminate the walls and ceiling of your bedroom with old Dracula movies, especially snake, spider, lizard, and bat infested scenes.

8. Have your friends form a long line, and systematically pass the contents of your home out the front door and in the back door of your house. This will not take as long as one might think.

7.With an industrial size brush and a bottle of bleach, wash, rinse, and sterilize the hubcaps of your car 30 minutes after sunrise and immediately after sunset for eight days.

6. With a large meat tenderizer, practice beating beer cans down to the thickness of hockey pucks. Extra credit if you can use your bare hands.

5. Sit on the hood of your car while riding through the car wash. To accurately simulate the water temperature, do this in the winter.

4. Line your sandals with sandpaper and spend two hours per day on a Stairmaster.

3. Arrange your allotted contents of your brown grocery bag on the bushes and rocks of your back yard, and twice a day practice changing clothes while your neighbors watch.

2. With 27 friends standing in the shallow end of a swimming pool, practice looking nonchalant as you carry on a conversation and pee simultaneously.

1. Crap in your upstairs waste basket, and then with your pants still around your ankles, run down and pee in the tub.