There’s been a lot of whinging and moaning lately about the change of seasons in Michigan. Some say there are only two, Winter and Road Construction. Others talk about week-long (or rather, week-short) springs and over-long winters. The problem here is that people are being a little short on facts and a little unfair on durations. So without further ado, here’s what the seasons are really like in Michigan.
Winter begins Thanksgiving weekend, while you are in a car. The event which defines it is six or more inches of snow. This used to occur on the Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend, but many people anticipated it and began returning home a day early. It now occurs at whatever point will cause the maximum inconvenience. This means it may be Winter on one side of the street while Autumn on the other. The primary color of Winter is white. The official animal of Winter is the frozen squirrel, usually dead by suicide on a major roadway.
Winter continues until mid to late February, when it is followed by Mud. Mud is a cycle of rain, freezing, snow, and thaw, repeated in random order. The event which defines it is the first thaw sufficient to remove 85% (by volume) of the accumulated snow. One salient feature of Mud is the amazing ability to maximize ugliness. If you get a snowfall during Mud, one of two things will happen. Either the ground will be warm enough to melt the snow and you then have slushy mud, or after the mud has been completely covered by pristine snow, it will rain, melt and refreeze. The primary color of Mud is brown, with occasions burst of green at the end. There is no official animal of Mud, but if there were it would be ugly.
Mud continues until Spring. Spring begins approximately two weeks before the end of school, causing complete mental incoherence in everyone between the ages of 6 and Just Finishing My Thesis. It typically runs through finals week. The weather becomes warm, you can walk around in shorts and shirt sleeves, and the mosquitos are beginning to think about sex. The precipitating event of Spring is when those in school are informed of what they have to get on their finals in order to pass. The color of Spring is light green, with scattered flowers and optimistic sunburns. The official animal of Spring is the robin.
Summer begins the day school lets out, which is also its defining event. It consists of 18-hour days punctuated by thunderstorms, lightning, tornados, and softball tournaments. It’s always hot, except during the day and evening, when it’s hot and humid. If you are 18 or older, it will rain every weekend. If you are 18 or younger, it will rain. Summer causes people to get into cars and drive randomly, hoping to encounter a body of water. It lasts about a week or until September, depending on whether you count with your heart or your head. Summer is deep green, with white and grey overhead and occasional patches of blue. Tomatoes are the official fruit of Summer. Deer are the official animal, usually seen eating your tomatoes.
Autumn follows Summer, and actually consists of three sub-seasons. The first of these is Weakening, also called Regret. Things are still green, but grass no longer grows three inches every day and the humidity suddenly vanishes. All of nature seems to go &lqsuo;uh-oh’ and begins storing up stuff. The color of Weakening is a medium green, with scattered fresh vegetables. Weakening turns into Glorious about two days after the first good freeze. Every tree within a hundred miles turns into Michaelangelo, and cranks out a year of creativity in three weeks. The weather is perfect, even when it rains. After enough rain to knock most of the leaves from the trees, Glorious becomes Withering. Everything becomes brown, and the temperature gradually drops day by day until freezing is a daily event. There may be occasional bursts of snow, but it doesn’t last. Autumn is all colors. It’s animal is the chipmunk, starting out sleek and sassy and ending fat and sleepy. The end of Autumn is in sight when your Mother calls and asks what your Thanksgiving schedule is like.
Original written June 12, 1996, rewritten June 20, 1996