It was time to sell the old computer. After perusing misc.forsale.computers, I had determined (a) what a reasonable price was and (b) that I would not write Yet Another Boring Ad. Some hours of giggling later, the following ad got posted:
Date: 5 July 1990 00:28:22 GMT
From: scs@spamtrap (Steve Simmons)
Subject: Amazing Ginsu UNIX-PC For Sale!!!!
Newsgroups: comp.sys.att,unix-pc.general,misc.forsale.computers
Summary: Not your everyday ad . . .
Keywords: cheap reliable does everything
Organization: Inland Sea
What would you pay for an experienced, proven home-performing UNIX system of your very own? Before you answer, just take a look at this incredible list of features:
Complete UNIX-PC hardware, including 68010 processor, monitor, keyboard, mouse, floppy and hard drive, 1200-baud internal modem, serial and parallel ports, and all the fixings. This machine started life as a 7300, but has now been upgraded with several 3b1 components. Current disk is ~43MB, system has 2MB RAM with Combo Card which also gives you 2 extra serial ports for a total of 3. And a printer port is included absolutely free.
Fabulous UNIX-PC software from AT&T, including 3.51 operating system, the elusive calendar, development utilities, extended editors, text processing system, graphics drivers, installation disks and MANUALS for all of same!
But wait, there's more:
A `ls -C' list of public-domain software longer than your screen, including gcc, rcs, config, C news (working!), nn, pathalias, elm, faces, many FSF utilities, yaman, perl, afio, month, spiff, and more.
And what about manuals for all the PD stuff? But of course! Many are supplied both in on-line and paper form. Better yet, the manuals are 8.5 by 11, rather than the wimpy original size!!!!!
Ready to make an offer? Hold on, there's more to come:
If you act now, we will throw in some SPARE HARDWARE!!!!!!!! Yes, a complete replacement monitor (7300 style case), 7300 power supply, and original 20MB disk are your absolutely FREE if you order now. Plus a WD-2010 chip that won't work with this drive!!!!
But what happens if you find bugs? No problem! ALL the source for the PD utilities are included free on floppies. We will supply you 3 (count 'em) 3 ring binders full of source code at NO CHARGE for the floppies. We'll even throw in enough disks to do TWO COMPLETE backups!!!!!!
Does this system have potential? Absolutely! Consider that this is an unmodified 7300 motherboard. That means that if you (or a trusted friend) are handy with a soldering iron, you can:
Would you give $10,000 for this? $5000? Well how about the incredibly low price of $1200 --or-- Best Offer??? I'll even throw in a few hours of free advice on managing the thing once you get it. Write now to scs@lokkur.uucp { ...sharkey!lokkur!scs } or if you're incredibly anxious or bored you can call me at home 7PM-10PM Eastern Time M-F or weekends at 313-426-8981, or 9-6M-F at the office, 313-769-4086. Buy now, the quantity (1) is limited!!!
While the add generated a lot of attention and brought in offers, it didn't generate the sale I expected. This occasioned the second ad:
Date: 11 July 1990 12:54:35 GMT
Subject: Amazing Ginsu UNIX-PC Threatens Sepukku!!!
Xref: lokkur comp.sys.att:1464 misc.forsale.computers:2 unix-pc.general:1317
Path: lokkur!ox.com!itivax!hela!scs
Summary: Not your everyday ad
Keywords: 7300/3b1 hybrid, loaded
Sender: scs@lokkur.uucp (Steve Simmons)
Well! After several days of low offers and questions about ``would you sell me the combo card?'' ``would you sell me the 2010?'' ``would you sell me the 3b1 top?'', my Amazing Ginsu UNIX-PC has offered to commit honorable suicide and be sold as parts! Geez, what a guy.
Here's the deal:
I've received some lowball offers for the whole package, and a lot of inquiries about individual pieces. Below is a list of parts. You can buy one, you can buy all (asking $1200 for all, make an offer). I'll add up the offers on July 21, and if the sum of parts offers exceeds the offer for the whole, that's how it's sold. Parts marked with a '*' are not currently installed in the system (ie, are my current spares or extras).
If you're interested in the whole package (or just need a good giggle) the original ad is included at the bottom.
The parts list:
The above text was followed by a copy of the first ad. Much to my non-surprise, people bought spare parts right and left. After the dust settled there was one last shock waiting, which caused the writing of . . .
Date: 26 July 1990 02:48:41 GMT
From: scs@lokkur.uucp (Steve Simmons)
Subject: GINSU III -- The Machine That Wouldn't Die
Newsgroups: comp.sys.att,unix-pc.general,misc.forsale.computers,mi.misc
Summary: ``Are you fully functional, Mr. Ginsu?''
Keywords: cheap reliable smaller available buyit
Organization: Inland Sea
You sit in a darkened theatre, waiting for the main feature. The screen flickers. Then the words `Coming This Summer . . . ' appear on the screen, followed by:
In the basement of Simmons laboratories, just twelve scenic miles from Hell, a computer is being tortured. Dressed in lab coat and anti-static strap, the maddened sysop approaches the cringing machine.
``No! No, master! Please! I've been good! Haven't I answered the phone faithfully? Haven't I been your servant for five trouble-free years?''
``You don't run BSD,'' he snarled, ``you're a System V box! Take this!'' Brandishing a Phillip screwdriver, he begins removing the back covers.
``Please master, I've got more good years left! I've got a bitmapped screen! A mouse! A comfortable keyboard! Please don't kill me . . .''
``You're worth more as parts than as a unit,'' he snarled, ``and the offers have rolled in. It's the repair depot for you!'' He picks up a pair of needle-nosed pliers.
``No! No! Not the combo board! AAAIIIEEEEEE!!!!! My memory! It's fading . . . and my extra serial ports . . . I can't feel my expansion serial ports . . . *sob*.''
``What do you care,'' he sneered, ``you've still got a built-in 1200 baud modem, another serial port, and a parallel port. Of course, you won't know how to use them now that I've sold the 3.51 Operating System and Manuals. Bwah-ha-ha-ha . . .''
``You sold my OS? But master, how will I boot?''
``You can go back to 2.0 if you're desperate for manuals. And besides, 3.51 is still on your hard disk.''
``All right . . . if that's what you think of me . . . what next, Master? My fast 50MB hard disk? My upgraded power supply? My . . . *sniff* 3b1 top and new monitor?''
``No.''
``No? How about my mouse? My keyboard?''
``No.''
``What do you mean no?''
``I mean nobody bought them.''
``Not even the 100+ backup disks, in ring binders, and 50 or 60 disks of USENET software?''
``Nobody bought them.''
``But . . . except for the combo card, I'm still the same computer. I've still got Cnews, gcc, HDB uucp, smail, pathalias . . . Master, what about all the other spare parts?''
``Sold. They bought everything but the basic computer and the original monitor and top.''
``How much did you get?''
``What I was offered for the original package of the whole computer and all the spare parts.''
``Huh??? But I've still got a 68010, running UNIX . . . I've still got Cnews, gcc, HDB uucp, smail, pathalias . . . I've still got my motherboard and an extra monitor . . . Master, I'm still fully functional!''
``That's right, Varth. Now shut up, I've got to mail off all these parts and write another clever ad.''
``Yes Master.'' His disk seeks quietly for a moment. ``Master''?
``Yes, Varth?''
``Thank you.''
``Shut up, Varth.'' He leaves.
The computer sits quietly until he is gone. Then his disk chortles, and there is a crackling sound from the phone speaker. You listen closely, and as the screen fades to black you hear: ``I'm baaaaacccckkkk . . . ''
You drop your popcorn into your lap.
-----------------------------------
Yes folks, it's amazing but true. People bought spare parts right and
left, but when it was all over there was still an entire computer left!
And the spare parts brought in about what I was offered for the original
computer + spare parts. Go figure. So now it's time for . . .
``Ginsu III, The UNIX-PC That Wouldn't Die!''
Yep, a complete running UNIX-PC. .5MB ram, one serial and one parallel port. 28ms 50MB hard disk (upgradable to 70 MB if you are handy soldering, current config only uses 8 of 11 heads). UNIX V.2 OS release 3.51 installed, no manuals (but a full backup included). UNIX V.2 OS release 2.0 included on original install disks, plus manual. Includes complete development set, editors, and a boatload of PD software. Will throw in 100 5 1/4 floppies used as backups and all my USENET archive disks.
If you've ever priced parts for this machine, you've got a good idea of what an extra motherboard, backplane, etc, are worth. So don't fool around, buy this sucker. You'll not find anything cheaper, and if your present unit dies you'll have to pay going market price to fix it.
Or if you're looking for a home mail stop and way to learn UNIX, this is the machine for you.
Asking: $500. Make an offer, but make it reasonable -- if all I get is lowballs, I'll give it to charity (don't ask -- I've already got one in mind). No trades unless you've got reasonably large (100MB+) SCSI disks. I pay shipping, in original carton.
Also, I've still got an extra 7300-style monitor and top case (asking $25.00). Again, make me an offer.
Bwah-ha-ha-ha,
Steve Simmons
I can't wait.