The "A Dirty Job" Signing Tour Memory Book

Divi Do Detroit - Saturday April 8, Birmingham, MI

Unlike the other memory pages I've not attempted to get every photo on the page - tho if you want to see every one with primitive commentary, look here. Instead, I'm going to try to give you a narrative of the evening.

Attending:

• Brian 'goudron'
• Lisa 'MaryJane'
• Mark 'disco' Troyer
• Jeff 'FattyFattyPortFace' Yates
• Becky 'Becky'
• Dana 'DanaMichelle'
• 'Kate R'
• 'Laveric' and fiance
• The nameless lurker
• Steve 'sgt_steve' Simmons (your pseudo-humble scribe)

Dinner was supposed to be at Papa Romano's Italian Kitchen, starting well before the signing. Disco, Goudron and MaryJane showed up right on time. Unfortunately the reservation was in Steve's name. This would have worked perfectly if Steve had been able to tell his right from his left on the drive in, but instead he made a side trip through Dearborn with Jeff as unwitting accomplice. Thanks to the magic of cellphones, the on-time folks were able to get seated and order dinner.

Brian 'Goudron' and wife Lisa 'MaryJane' at dinner. Photo by disco.

The supremely powerful disco grows a satanic waiter out of his head. Photo by Lisa.

Steve and Jeff did manage to arrive in time to eat:

Jeff and Steve in their natural environment: a beer. Disco has cleverly hidden any evidence. Photo by MaryJane.

After a fine dinner, we all drove around the block in time to be late.

Chris was speaking already, so we stood way in the back. I'd guess there were about 200 present. Photo by disco.

Another shot of Chris, by Lisa.

The AG is funny. I mean, stand-up monologue funny. Anybody who can tell stories of his and Charlee's mothers' deaths and make the crowd laugh is pretty damned good. We won't spoil the jokes for those who haven't seen him yet, but be very alert if someone's cellphone goes off.

Immediately after the speaking, we all lined up to get books and other odds and ends signed. We were immediately joined by Becky and DanaMichelle, to whom we distributed the 'first in line' red tickets (Jeff and I had picked them up in advance).

Here we all are in a group shot with Chris:

Note the lovely Goodyear Service Center as backdrop. Borders arranged that specially for us - it's a Detroit thang. We conspired in advance to all tilt our heads so the AG guy would be in a group of similar folks, and by damn it worked. From left to right it's Becky, Steve, Dana, Chris, Jeff, Mark, Lisa and Brian. Most of us had never met face to face before, but there were enough connections that we all relaxed pretty quickly and much silliness ensued (see below for evidence). Photo by a friendly attendee unknown to us.

Becky had a fine summary post of the event:

Ok....here's a list of things I learned from going to CM's signing in Birmingham today.

1. Mapquest CANNOT be trusted.
2. Michigan roads are ALWAYS under construction, and it's always the one you need to get you to your destination as quickly and easily as possible.
3. If your detour for the closed road takes you past a car that is on fire, and we're talking open flames bursting out of the hood and black smoke everywhere, you should drive through that area at no less than 80 mph even if the posted speed limit is only 50.
4. If the detour manages to reverse the direction that you are entering the city from, you should remember to reverse the turn directions you were given so that you don't go 3 miles in the opposite direction.
5. All roads in the Detroit area are created stupidly.
6. Borders should have more parking for their muthafuckin store yo!
7. If you walk in and you're standing next to someone you believe is a boardello member, the wrong thing to do is look at them funny as if trying to decide if it is really who you think it is, and then just sort of wave when they don't seem to register recognition. I did that. I'm a moron. It was Disco.
8. If the person you think is Disco is standing right next to FFPF and you're standing right friggin next to both of them (but still aren't sure they are who you think they are), you probably shouldn't go to the exact opposite side of the room for the rest of the Q&A portion just because you spot your husband and don't want to look stupid by continuing to stand next to the guy you looked at strangely.
9. When CM gives FFPF a shout out and you realize he is who you thought he was, it's ok to kick yourself for being an idiot.
10. When you're sure that you know who/where the boardello members are, you should probably not lurk in the card section near them looking on and observing for 10 to 15 minutes because you're too chicken to actually go over and say hello.
11. Steve is your friend at signings because he has the extra red tickets so that your ass doesn't have to go to the back of the line because you got there 5 minutes late and got stuck with a crappy ass orange ticket.
12. FFPF really does have a great accent.
13. You should not make plans to attend your friend's birthday party the same night as the signing so that you can actually go out for drinks with everyone. That is stupid.
14. Apparently my husband looks like Joaquin Phoenix in addition to the Office Space guy. I myself do not see it, but he was quite flattered.
15. People may think I've imagined my husband into existance because his introverted ass went off shopping and looking at DIY books (You were right FFPF!!) instead of waiting in line with me.
16. The only thing worse than trying to get to Birmingham is trying to get home from Birmingham.
17. CM should do his future signings in Ann Arbor just for my own personal convenience.
18. Over all a good time was had, and I'm glad I went.

Disco's also wrote up a nice bit on things learned:

I learned that if you hang out long enough after the signing, Chris will share his Goldfish crackers with you - yes, Lisa got them from me because I was nice enough not to run through the store laughing maniacally and screaming that I had sole possession of the AG's crackers.

I learned that Becky is as nice in person as online, and that her husband is even prettier than she is.

I learned that it takes the same amount of time to drive to Birmingham from Cleveland as it does from my house, and I live in the same freakin' state!

After looking at the group picture again, I learned that yes, in fact it does appear that FFPF is eyeing my neck. Funny, I didn't notice the fangs when talking to him...

Unbeknownst to us, Kate R was in the crowd, and she got a friendly stranger to take this shot of her and Chris:
She writes:

You know, I saw all of you there and didn't work up the guts to go say hi. It's like - "hey, I occasionally talk to you all on the internet! Nice to see ya!" Anyway, I was with my pregnant friend who needed to leave b/c of the morning sickness that apparently happens instead in the evening. Bummer. Anyway, those are some great pics!

(An aside - anyone else come off to the AG as less than cool? Lol, he asked me if I had read the book yet and I said "Yeah, like the day it came out!" I felt so dorky.)

That's why I lurked nearby for about 15 minutes. It wasn't until Jason wandered off to go shopping and called me a chicken before leaving me all alone that I decided to say hello so that I didn't look like a freakish stalker to anyone who might have seen me. I'm not going to pretend that I didn't feel a little stupid walking up and saying hello, but everyone was very nice. Blah, who am I kidding? I still feel a little silly. I'm a bit of an introvert myself and don't meet new people easily. Hell...I don't even like calling to order take-out. I have no idea where I was going with this, but it's 11:45 and it's been a long day. I think my point was, you should have said hello, becasue I don't like being the only one who feels silly.

Also present but somehow missed was Laveric and his fiance:

He had this to say:

Sorry I did not have a chance to hang out and talk. Wrangling friends (especially when they drove bcause their car fits in those small spots at borders) did not leave me a chance to chat. Apparently Everyone wanted to take off the moment they got their books signed. Oh, well. Had I known we were going to the Baker's Square around the corner befor calling it a night I would have told you all to go and have pie.

Pie. We could have had pie. sob! (For you non-Detroiters, Baker's Square has a huge pie selection.)

The group has since agreed that next time we'll drag Kate, Becky and Jason, Laveric and fiance along with us well in advance and get to know them better.

Laveric also had a rather rare version of a "Stupidest Angel" T-Shirt (photos below). When asked about how he came by it he replied:

Apparently His Nineness had not seen the shirt before. I was a bit shocked. I thought they certainly would have sent him one. I almost gave it to him on the spot. Sadly for him greed won out so I can frame it and put it up on the wall. I am sooooooo geeked about that!

And now, some individual photos w/Chris:

Goudron, Chris and Lisa.

Jeff 'FattyFattyPorkFace' Yates and Chris. Photo by Lisa. Doesn't it look like the AG has some evil plan in mind?

Chris and DanaMichelle. Photo by Steve.

Eventually the gang of seven got through the line, and I started scanning the rest of it looking for Laveric. I didn't find him, but much to my surprise stumbled across someone else I knew:

She lurks on the board occasionally; I've twisted her arm to try and get her to participate - she's very smart, and would fit in well. Notice how the AGs fingers are worn down to nubs?

Once the line wound down completely, the Borders staff started to bring Chris a few more copies to sign...

In fact, incredible piles of copies:

Which he dutifully signed, and signed, and signed. Photos by Steve.

We had no clue what his post-signing schedule was like, so we hung around off to the side and engaged in general silliness.

Lisa holds up the AGs Goldfish crackers...mmm cheesy. Photo by Jeff.

Jeff photographs and comments: "disco acts all adult and stuff."

Disco signs the Shirt of Robb, as Jeff records it for posterity. Photo by Steve.

Not only is Jeff tall, he's really really . . . large. Don't Lisa and Brian look nervous? Tiny DanaMichelle was completely crushed, but recovered. Photo by disco.

Jeff photographs and writes: "I take a picture of me and DanaMichelle...apparently it was more of me." Looks to me like she knew it, too.

Lisa, Steve, Mark and Brian regard Jeff with suspicion as he takes another shot.

Eventually it became clear that the AG was going to be kept busy until time to head for the airport (OK, he had to tell us that explicitly before it became clear). Goudron and MaryJane headed home to rescue their floor from their dog, Disco had a very long drive back home, and Jeff, DanaMichelle and I retired to a local bar for martinis and fine scotch.

So - when's the paperback tour?

A PostScript

After the main glut of signers was gone, Jeff went back to the AG, pulled out his phone, and asked if he'd speak with Jeff's friend Mary back in England. Chris asked if this was Mary the Barmaid, Jeff replied 'now ex-barmaid', and they were off.

It seems that Mary is a big fan of the AG, and one of Jeff's copies of ADG was bought and signed for Mary. Unfortunately Mary was out drinking at the time (it being around midnight in England) and could not hear her cellphone phone ring. Due to the noisy pub. Really.

So the AG leaves her a message, something on the close order of "Hi, this is Christopher Moore. Jeff tells me you're a big fan and buy all the books, and I just wanted to say thank you. Oh yeah, and that Jeff's a wanker."

"AM NOT!" shouts Jeff as Chris is hanging up the phone.

Several hours later Jeff and I are driving home and his cellphone rings. It's Mary the Ex-Barmaid, who is utterly thrilled and says she's going to keep the message forever and ever, and that he called later than he said he would and that's why she didn't have the phone glued to her ear in the noisy pub and that Jeff's a wanker.

Or at least, that's what I gathered from hearing Jeff's side of the conversation and his recap afterwards. She definately called him a wanker, tho, 'cause I heard him shout "AM NOT!"