> >         MATING PATTERNS OF CERTAIN HOMOSAPIEN DESICUS MALES
> >
> > ABSTRACT: In this paper, we analyze the habitat-specific mating
> > patterns of certain male members of the said species, focussing
> > especially on the nonlinear behavior during such occurrences.
> > Our theory contradicts the findings of Prof. Ringo
> > Rangoopadhyay, who conjectured that there is nothing interesting
> > in such mating, even to the specific members involved.
> >
> >                            PAPER
> >
> > Homosapien Desicus are small, delicate, two-winged insects found
> > predominantly in the Indian subcontinent. They can be
> > distinguished from other such species by a drooping proboscis
> > (jaw) loose due to perpetual talking. Some of them also talk
> > through an air tube at the posterior end of the body. Its
> > mouthparts consist of seven elements: a food channel, three
> > saliva channels, a labium and two channels for talking. There
> > are more than hazzaar of these species, which can be divided
> > into 31 or more genera. These are found worldwide, in all but
> > the most extreme habitats.
> > Large colonies of these species are bred in special habitats
> > called the IITs across India. During this larva stage, these
> > creatures are cocooned from external environment and this is
> > where the anatomical development of body parts like mustache,
> > ego, programming ability and lust takes place. While still at
> > the IITs, the species make tentative jabs at sexuality,
> > primarily during the cultural festivals which are marked by the
> > arrival of the Queens of the species. The primitive fertility
> > rites include producing blood-curdling obscene yells at
> > appropriate intervals and occassionally wooing the female of the
> > species with such offers as "Do you want me to explain the Unix
> > operating system to you ?".
> >
> > After the pupal stage, certain advanced members of the species
> > tend to migrate to other habitats, called American Universities.
> > These young adults have crumpled polyester pants, shirts with
> > flowers on them and are directly interfaceable to computers.
> > They usually follow the money gradient. At first, the adult
> > males tend to congregate together in the same ant hill for
> > greater security and survivality. Less charitable members from
> > habitats other than the IITs would complain, not untruthfully,
> > "Look at them. IIT se keede makode ki tarah aa jaaten hain".
> > Initially, the male sublimates its libidanal energy into
> > academic work, till one day, when virgo rules the firmament, the
> > energy flow is reversed in direction.
> >
> > After watching some adult movies and visiting topless bars, the
> > insect exerts blood pressure on its body, the abdomen soon
> > expands and very soon the exoskeleton becomes darkened and the
> > male is ready to mate. The mating season lasts approximately
> > twelve months a year, during which the male comes to heat many
> > times, and stays in heat for any time between a few hours to a
> > few years. While in heat, the male exudes an odor due to the
> > sudden use of deodorants.
> >
> > The males usually refer to the females simply as 'females' or
> > 'chicks' or 'dames' and have breathing difficulties in presence
> > of one. It tries to attract the attention of foreign females by
> > flapping its wings and shouting "Coochikoochikoo". By sheer
> > persistence, the male would ultimately take the female for
> > feeding, at first to a cheap place but eventually to a
> > virus-free environment. After the first outing, the male would
> > experience elevated levels of ego and would tell its friends
> > "Linda and I are just friends. Its not what you think". "But,
> > Palvayanteeswaran, we don't give a damn about what's going on
> > between you both". "No, some people are already gossiping. I
> > have to make important decisions about whether I want to live
> > with an alien member for the rest of my life". If lucky, the
> > male stays in courtship for a few more food sessions, after
> > which it is ready to write a cross-cultural treatise on human
> > courtship in general. At some point during this process, the
> > male also developes several tentacles with which it would
> > attempt to grab the female. For a while, the male would draw its
> > nutrients only from alcohol. It would also attempt to be 'cool'
> > and would do things like skiing, take the females to movies like
> > Gandhi and in a known rare case, even play its latest compact
> > disc over the telephone to the female.
> >
> > Some other males would try to go for the desicus females in the
> > USA. In this context, males with mobility due to cars have a
> > slight advantage. Purring in the same language is a plus too. It
> > would start by first finding out from the foreign student
> > advisor which females are going to arrive, pick them up from the
> > airport and generally do peonic services. Once the situation is
> > stabilized, the courtship continues for a while and the couple
> > would shop together, find out and celebrate the respective
> > birthdays and give small gifts. However, the only fluids
> > exchanged between the male and the female during the courtship
> > are some strong smelling curries. Sometimes the male can be an
> > incurable romantic, volunteering to do ridiculous dumb charade
> > acts to impress the female. Usually, the male would procure food
> > for the female and they would watch hindi movies together, often
> > with eyes closed in ecstasy.  Finally, the female signals its
> > submission, by letting the male do her computer assignment.
> > Cross-mating with the subspecies ABCDcus is too complex and will
> > be dealt in a subsequent publication.
> >
> > In a variation to the main theme, sometimes certain fortunate
> > females can attract several males, which leads to a severe
> > competition. Even the weakest male presumes that he stands a
> > good chance and spends much time and money in courting the
> > specific female.
> >
> > Then the insect reaches the final stage of its evolution into
> > adulthood, known as 'Permanent Residency', which greatly
> > enhances its chances at breeding. When this stage is reached,
> > some members grow a special tail-like appendix. The homing
> > instincts of these species are phenomenal. A male then quickly
> > migrates to its old habitat and tells its parents "Enough is
> > enough, Even though I had been in the US for so long, I am still
> > Indian at heart and I can't give up my Indian culture. And how
> > can I say no to my own parents. I will marry anyone you suggest.
> > So help." The parents, very happy that their progenies did not
> > succumb to the vicious mating attacks of foreign women, quickly
> > search to locate the most suitable and strong-gened female of
> > the native genre, in terms of looks and money-making potentials.
> > Elaborately videotaped rituals occur near fires and mating
> > follows immediately.
> >
> > Due to certain natural laws of transmigration, only the male
> > returns to the new habitat, telling his fellow drones that it
> > wasn't really an arranged marriage. They kind of knew each other
> > even when they were only eggs, he would point out. After two
> > years of marathon phone calls and short visits for the purposes
> > of consummating the conjugation, the female arrives one day to
> > join the male. And they continue on to live a happy life of
> > reproduction.
> > In conclusion, the author would like to say that such dating
> > habits are extremely personal things and discussing them on the
> > bboard amounts to mere chitchatting. Also, the author would like
> > to warn that this article is intended to be satirical, with no
> > malice toward the IITians.