"In a thousand years, there won't be any men or women; there'll just be WANKERS"--Trainspotting
People, Activities, Contests, Letters, Rankings, Wanker Lexicon, Quote of the Week
This is the homepage of Wanker Hall (otherwise known as 2nd floor Hayden Hall, East Quad, University of Michigan). For more info about the history of Wanker Hall go to Dogg's Wanker Page. You could also read a response to a letter sent to us (see the letters section below for origional). Hey, while you're here, e-mail us all at our own e-mail address <wankers@umich.edu>, and stuff.
The original Wankers are: (links are to personal homepages)
Duende Ryan (a.k.a.Wanker, Leprechaun, etc.)
Jimmy the Snake- has a hot girlfriend, Rachel; he's also a bartender at TGI Fridays
Fireman Mike- has more stories than you can shake an 8-pound broadhead at
Circus Boy (Ryan)- he juggles knives and torches, rides unicycles, and hey, he's even worked the streets for money
Tailhook Drew- He's a seaman
Democrat Mike- the Prez a.k.a. Hoosier Daddy; the chicks dig his wife-beater under shirt.
Big O Oliver- he's got a ponytail
Nate Dogg- one of the most popular Wankers. (This has absolutely nothing to do with the fact he has a Sega. Really it doesn't.)
Shan Fu (a.k.a. the Regulator, Backroom Pimp)- he's an RA and a 2nd year grad student who hangs out with Freshmen
Josh the Master- according to him, at least, 'cause he can only touch Jewish girls; he also does great covers of Alanis Morisette songs, look for him coming to a city near you!
Captain Morgan (Jake)-likes the Yankees
Carpet Scrubbin' Rick- the cool one; master, along with Fu, of the "Aw Yeah" yell
Big Dog Sammy Sam- the other cool one
"Badass" Stefani- what's his first name again? also the inventor of the "pass-out" maneuver. "Just Leeeaaave"
Slow Hand Tony- 'nuff said
Harsh- that's really his first name; he adds a "z" or "iz" to everyone's name, i.e. Jizosh (Josh), Jizake (Jake), Dizogg (Dogg), Jizim (Jim)
B- his name is Brian, inventor of the "sit-down-on-the-couch-and-make-out-with-any- girl-who-looks-like-she's-lookin'-for-someone-to-make-out-with" maneuver
Sideburns Brendan- Josh likes his girlfriend
Tone Loc- real name's Loc, pronounced "Lau" - the only one who's 21 - nudge nudge :-p
Axel Rose- Tone Loc's roommate, 2 rock stars in one room; who'da thunk?
Aaron "Pimp Daddy"- he's got women coming in and out of his room on an hourly basis
Melanie "Queen of the Night"- not really a wanker, but she procrastinates just as much as us, and she plays a mean game of GOAL!
Reah- Wears pink thongs (called "flip-flops" in other places) and green Spandex :-)
Ankur- he's like from India and stuff; he can get you some camel milk if you want
Siegs- real name is Adam and he studies as much as the rest of Wanker Hall put together, which doesn't say much
Tuve- Tuvester the Molester, that's all you need to know
Ari- At first, he was a real GOAL novice, but now we have shown him the way: he is a GOAL addict!
There is, of course, the infamous and coveted Wanker Cup. This is a masterpiece of cardboard and duct tape which is awarded seasonally (about once every three weeks) to the Wanker Hall Champion (plus a few additions) of NHL '96 (trademarked, no doubt), or, as we call it, GOAL!
Currently, Wanker Hall has in its possession two Segas, one belonging to Nate Dogg and one belonging to Stefani. The first resides in Nate Dogg's and Big O's room, and the other migrates from room to room.
This season, standard rules are: 10 minute periods, off-sides are on, and line chages; penalties and icings are in effect. Playoffs start . . . well . . . soon (we hope!). The Red Wings and Nordiques (we may be a few years behind, but you're ugly!) are off-limits; a player must stay with the same team all season.
The second-most popular activity of Wanker Hall is Quake. The preferred method is using the University ethernet connection to kick everyone else's butt, either in Capture the Flag or Every Man for Himself!!! As you walk through our hall, the sounds of gunfire and explosions, as well as screams of agony, can be heard from behind many doors.
The newest, most popular game in which we vent our ultra-violent, psychopathic inner feelings is Mech Warrior II. We have also arranged nightly field trips to the lounge to intellectualize about our badass inner children.
If you want to be our Freak of the Week, just send us a description of your freakish qualities. Maybe, just maybe, if you are *incredibly* lucky, you, yes you, can be on our homepage, too.
1)"you wankers sound pretty funny, my friend rachel and i were fooling around on the the comp, and we found your page! we send hellos from sunny florida, palm beach atlantic college to be exact! so hello and goodbye!"
Well, they're not freaks, but it is from some chicks.
2)"I have four constantly ejaculating penises!"
uhh...EASY!!!!! Settle down you perv!
3)"As usual the Amercians have no idea about anything outside their insulated world. Try finding out the definition of wanker and you will have a good idea what you are."
Andrew Lee <ajlee@henry.katel.net.au>
Don't worry guys, I didn't let this go unnoticed. I sent back an appropriate response that made him feel like crap for messing with the WANKERS.
4)"my name is brian, and i have a fetish for girls in elevators"
-Anonymous. (I know where it was sent from. I won't say who, but it was from a Wanker.)
I think only certain people in our hall could explain this one.
5)"I am the freak. I wrap myself in celaphane and beat myself senseless. and I like to write. now how weird is that?!??!?!??!"
Oh.
6)"I once touched myself. It felt good--I have to admit."
-The Non-Wanker. (Ryan Sherrif)
Thank you for sharing.
7)"you suck. you changed names. andrew. not drew get it right. plus wanker is no girls remember! that is why you all wank all of the time.-to cooley to be a wanker
- Not sure.
I am really confused as to who sent this one. In reply, we can have anyone in Wanker we want. You're just jealous.
8)"Um... I kill people a lot. PLus I use a lot of .... these things.... when I type. I think Boba Fett sux just cause Ollie thinks he's cool. and Vampires are WAAAAAAY cooler than werewolves, especially glasswalkers. I like to play Malkavians if you don't know what a malkavian, shoot yourself. I was (sic) a frozen tundra once. megalomaniac. whenever I think I'm not God. Some say I roleplay too much, but that's silly cause how could anyone roleplay TOO much? Occasionally I do random acts of senselessness... I put blue cheese on my pizza and ice cubes in my chocalate milk. top that one - except maybe rice and ketchup..::shivers::Once, this big guy.. he was pretty big, he walked up to me and he said "hey." Just thought I'd tell ya. Orange. Condensation. Rigor-Mortis."
Noctifer <noctifer@thehelm.com>
Tihis was from a friend of Ollie's. I think most of it is inside stuff. I hope so.
Current NHL '96 Rankings (Wanker Cup)
(Well, there aren't any; we're lazy. But Harsh won Wanker Cup I by schooling The Master, so he's probably ranked pretty high. Duende Ryan, who did not participate in WCI, protests, but hey, we never really pay attention to him anyway. We started a new season, WCII, but about half of the way through the season, we lost one of the controllers through a freak accident, and it all went downhill from there. We've got 2 controllers now, but nobody has played a season game in about a month and a half, so I'm not really sure about the current status of the season.)
Wanker Lexicon-(a.k.a: the way we talk)
Boba Fett- The supreme being (according to Big
O.)
Subdefinition: Boba Fett- O's unhealthy obsession (according to the rest
of the hall)
Career- said after anything that is done well, such as a goal in Goal (from Stefani)
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeasily- means "easily" (from Wanker)
Get out!- said quickly with a thick U.P. accent
In the third row- used to describe something done badly; ("the goalie's jock was in the third row [on a missed save in Goal]!!")
Just leeeeaaave- used when someone says somethng stupid or ignorant
____ like a banshee- in similar context to, "He scores like a banshee."
'n stuff- means "and stuff"; can be used with any phrase ("That's cool, 'n stuff")
Obviously- this one is pretty self-explanatory (from Dogg)
Sketchy (at best)- used when something is questionable ("That goal was sketchy at best")
Soil, to- used to describe doing badly on a test (Q: "How did you do?" A: "Soiled. Obviously.") (from Fu)
That was such____!!!- Used to place emphasis on anything ("That was such goal!" and "That was such class!" and "That was such soil!")
Vampires- the ultimate (un)life form (according to Melanie). No one else quite buys it (though O. is willing to consider the idea if she will concede that Boba Fett can be an honorary vampire)
"These plans are sketchy at best." - English officer in Independence Day.
You are the person
to enter the realm of the WANKERS!!
Web Page designed by the Wankers (mostly by Circus Boy Ryan, Big O, Nate Dogg, Captain Morgan, and Democrat, though)
Send e-mail regarding this page to The Wankers
Updated: 6/19/97 @ 11:30p.m.