The first emails consistently reported that my Nigerian cousin had died in an traffic accident on an expressway near Lagos. Later emails reported that he had died in a crash of, first, an Egyptian and, later, a Jordanian airliner. If such reports are all correct, it must have been one heck of a traffic accident and would likely make for a pretty good pilot episode when they get around to doing CSI: Lagos.
More recent emails have added a new twist. Apparently anticipating that I might be sceptical that any member of my notoriously impecunius family could possibly have amassed a fortune in the range of $35-40 million dollars, the renegade bank officials and corrupt bureaucrats soliciting my help now explain that my cousin was in fact a secret agent helping the former rulers of Nigeria smuggle money out of the country and, apparently skimming a little cream for himself in the bargain. (I also should point out that at about this same time I received a similar solicitation from a man claiming to be the former president of Liberia and seeking my assistance, apparently as a randomly selected potential good samaritan, in smuggling his personal fortune out of the country. I, of course, dismssed this particularly email as an obvious fraud.)
FROM THE DESK OF:MR.DAVID WEST
TEL:0092348035725552
EMAIL:dwestx@yahoo.co.uk
I TAKE LIBERTY ANCHORE ON STRING DESIRE TO SOLICIT YOUR ASSISTANCE ON THIS MUTUAL TRANSACTION WHICH I KNOW YOU WILL GIVE URGENT ATTENTION.
I.MR.DAVID WEST OMOWUMI,THE CHAIRMAN OF THE CONTRACT AWARD AND MONITORING COMMITTEE FOR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA(NIGERIA/WEST AFRICA)AND THE SENIOR AUDITOR OF THE NIGERIAN NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION AND GHANA LIQUIFIED NATURAL GAS PROJEST HERE IN OUR POSSESSION DOCUMENTS TO REMIT THE SUM OF US45,000,000.00(FOURTY-FIVE MILLION,US DOLLARS ONLY)INTO A RELIABLE FOREIGN ACCOUNT FOR OUR PERSONAL USE.
THIS SUM ORIGINATED FROM KICK BACKS AND OVER-INVOICED CONTRACT FOR THE SUPPLY OF PETROLEUMCHEMICAL AND PIPELINE EQUIPMENT TO THE NIGERIAN NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION(NNPC)AND GHANA LIQUIFIED NATURAL GAS PROJECT BY A BULGARIAN COMPANY IN July,1998.THE BONDFIDE CONTRACTOR HAS SINCE BEEN PAID IN FULL. HOWEVER,THE OVER-INVOICED SUM IN THE CONTRACT PAYMENT VOUCHER TO THE TUNE OF US45,000,000.00 HAVE BEEN APPROVED FOR PAYMENT AS PART OF THE GRAND TOTAL FOR THE PROJECT EXECUTED.
MEETINGS HAVE BEEN HELD IN RESPECT OF THIS WITH OTHER REPUTABLE OFFICIALS IN THE CORPORATION,FEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCE AND ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT AND THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA AND CONCLUSION ARRIVED TO COLABORATE WITH A FOREIGN FIRM TO CLAIM THESE FUNDS FOR OUR MUTUAL BENEFITS.
IT IS FOR THIS REASON THAT I HAVE BEEN MANDATED TO INTIMATE YOU FOR MAXIMUM ASSISTANCE AND CO-OPERATION. IT MAY INTEREST YOU TO KNOW THAT ONE OF THE FORMER MINISTER OF FINANCE AND ECONOMIC DEVOELOPMENT,COLLABORATED WITH A FOREIGNER TO TRANSFER THE SUM OF US200M INTO AN ACCOUNT IN AUSTRA,ONLY FOR THE MINISTER TO BE DISAPPOINTED ON HIS ARRIVAL AS THE FELLOW HAD DISAPPEARED WITH THE WHOLE MONEY AND RELOCATED HIS LINE TO SOMEONE ELSE.
ALTHOUGH BESINESS IS ALL ABOUT RISK WE WANT TO MINIMIZED THE RISK INVOLVED IN THIS THAT IS WHY WE ARE SOLICITING FOR YOUR SINCERITY AND CONFIDENTIALITY.
AN AGREEMENT HAS ALSO BEEN REACHED TO COMPENSATE YOU WITH 20% OF THE TOTAL SUM TO BE REMITTED INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE,5% SET ASIDE FOR ALL EXPENCSES TO BE INCURED BY BOTH PARTIES IN THE COURSE OF THE TRANSACTION WHILE THE REMAINING 75%WILL BE FOR ME AND MY COLLEAGUES.
BE INFORMED THAT WE HAVE WORKED OUT ALL MODALITIES FOR THE PERSECUTION OF THIS TRANSACTION,WHICH HAS MEET ALL NECESSARY REQUIREMENT IN OUR COUNTRY AND THOSE OF INTERNATIONAL ARBITRACTION.
IF YOU CAN PROVE YOURSELF TO BE TRUSTED AND INTERESTED,THEN WE ARE READY TO DO BUSINESS WITH YOU AND YOU SHOULD FORWARD THE FOLLOWING: YOUR FULL NAME,ADDRESS,PHONE AND FAX NUMBERS AND BANK ACCOUNT,WHERE YOU KNOW THAT TAX WILL NOT CLAIM MUCH FROM THE WHOLE MONEY.
THE ABOVE INFORMATIONS WILL BE SENT TO THE CENTRAL COMPUTING/MONITORING UNIT OF THE APEX PAYING BANK AS THE BONA FIDE OWNER OF THE CONTRACT PAYMENT.UPON THE RECEIPT OF THE REQUESTED INFORMATION I WILL SEND TO A TEXT WHICH WILL STAND AS AN APPLICATION FOR PAYMENT CONSIDERATION TO THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA.
I AWAIT YOUR ANTICIPATED CORPERATION.
THANKS,
MR.DAVID WEST OMOWUMI.
CALL ME:2348035725552.
St. Crispin
No. 6666875
D Wing
Ill. Dept. Corr. Inst. Rockwood
1415 Agincourt Avenue
Vandalia, IL 60035
I thank yo for your consent to assist me in accomodating the total amount of us45m in your country for my mutual investment as may be recommended by you.
I am very sorry for your illness and not seeing your wife,but thank God you still hve life to give thanka to the Lord God.
However,i have worked out the modalities for the presecution of the transaction which had meets all necessary requirements in my country and those of international arbitration.
So therefore you should forward the underneath which will enable us commence the transfer of funds:
Your Full Name
Residential Address
Bank Details
Age
Occupation
The above is very important and imperative as they will be sent to the central computing unit of the bank as the bona fide of the contract payment and when that is done you will receive a telex form from the telex department of the apex paying bank.I will guard you on what to fill in the telex form.
Upon the submission of the telex form to the bank they bank will use their attorney who will represent you in the signing and securing of papers for the transaction.
You will not mention my name to the bank,as i do not want to be expose and do not want the bank officials and the authorities to find out that i introduced to the transaction.
I hope to hear from you.
Thanks,
Mr.david West.
David, If you want to refer to my Situation as an "illness" that is OK by me and much better than that court-appointed psychiatrist was able to do which is why he moved right to the top of my To Do list, even ahead of Fat Tommy Malloy who got me fired for keeping my nine in my locker at the post office, but i dont knowwhy you need to know so much about me just to give me this money, especially when I saw today while doing my legal research, which I am entitled to do for two hours a day and if anybody tries to stop me they'll just see another civil rights lawsuit, no matter what that federal judge thinks with his dumb orders, anyway I saw this news article that suggested some of these deals aren't on the up and up. http://www.deadbrain.co.uk/news/article_2003_12_21_0341.php How do I know you are on the up and up if you won't just send me the money, but nothing bigger than a $20 or that I would have to show an ID for or nothing.
Your friend in need
I am very concerned that you will not answer any of my questions and put my Mind at Rest, or at least send me the money first, and in case you haven't figured it out yet, I do not like being ordered around or ignored, so you better shape up pronto if you know what's good for you.
Dear St. Crispin,
Please what are the question?
Thanks,
david west
As we discussed when you called (collect, again), you are no longer to use this email address, or to have further contact with this law firm. Please advise all of your correspondents.
Dear St. Crispin,
i will send to you the telex department form which i paid us220,remaning us200.can you help me.
the telx form is the first document you are to fill and return before we can proceed further.
let me know if you can.
thanks,
david
Moreover, as one of my friends points out, he also has clearly absorbed the lessons of Glengarry Glen Ross far better than those mutts in Boiler Room. ABC. Always Be Closing. Every message urges me to ink the deal, almost always in complete disregard of some fresh piece of lunacy or request for clarification. You have to love a guy like this, and expect him to go far. Some day, we may open the papers to see that Mr. David West is running for high public office in Nigeria. I'd be tempted to move to Nigeria for the sole purpose of casting a vote for him, but if I know David, and I think I do, I am confident that I am already registered and voting the straight ticket in his home precinct, along with all of my imaginary dead relatives.
So much for David the man. What about David the man of God (a subject of keen interest to my inner prison inmate). Let's find out whether, as we hope, he has been reborn in the faith, and how he stands on the issues of doctrinal orthodoxy that having been kicking around since about 325 AD.
David I am so confused and uncertain what to do, I want to trust you, but it is very hard when I have never met you and have recently learned, as I told you, that certain of your countrymen make offers to people like me that are not on the up and up, please dont be offended but we have hardly even gotten to know each other and to date you have given me nothing whatsoever of value, so I am confused and have prayed and taken some of my roommate's medications and talked things over with my cousin Joseph who you offered to give $5 million for his help, and have decided that maybe I should ask you a few more questions, so here goes: (please try to answer completely).
Are you a Christian?
Have you been Saved by the Blood of the Lamb?
Do you renounce the Evil One and all of his works, imps, and familiars?
Does the Holy Spirit proceed from the Father and Son or from the Father only?
Don't you agree that with all the work I am doing and having lined up Joseph to help, I should be entitled to at least 50% of the money, please observe that I am being very honest with you in asking for this and not simply lying to you and taking 100% like that fellow from Austria you told me about, so please respond as quickly as you can.
Dear St. Crispin,
I saw your mail and have answered the question.
The bank had to give me the telex form,but i told them that you are to send the sum of us200 for the balance of the form which i gave them us220.
Please send me the informations of the person that is standing as the bona fide owner of the contract payment so i know what to add in the computing unit where i have paid the last money i have.
full name
address
phone
banking details
The payment should be thru the western union money transfer with the name of:
last name:Monday
first name:ifeanyi
address:lagos-nigeria
upon the receipt of the above and the payment informations for the sum of us200,i will make sure your name is added.
You can send the payment informations to the bank.
MR.OBASEKI ABASI
TEL;23414706818
FAX:23417591915
EMAIL:cbn_west@financier.com
Are you a Christian?YES
Have you been Saved by the Blood of the Lamb?YES TWO YRS AGO
Do you renounce the Evil One and all of his works, imps, and familiars?THE EVIL HAS GONE OUT OF MY LIFE.
Does the Holy Spirit proceed from the Father and Son or from the Father only?FROM THE FATHER AND THE SON. 50% IS OK FOR YOU,BUT YOU MUST NOT DISAPPOINT ME.
THE WAY TO FILL THE TELEX FORM BEFORE SENDING BY MAIL OR FAX TO THE BANK.
1.COMPANY NAME:YOUR FULL NAME
ADDRESS?
2.US45MILLION
3.YOUR BANKING DETAILS
4.PURPOSE OF PAYMENT:CONTRACT EXECUTION WITH CONTRACT NUMBER:NNPC/Z24-X21/KD98
PROJECT SITE:10 SQ KILOMETER BETWEEN BINI GURU AND BINI KUDU COMMUNITY AREA
CONTRACT SUM:US45M
I have to say that I was a little disappointed, that David gave up so quickly on the amount of money to be shared with me. I was really looking forward to haggling with a master. Finally, I was also a little concerned that his views on the Holy Trinity, while fine by me, might not sit too well with my imaginary cousin Joseph, and I was right.
Praise Jesus you answered my questions with willing hands and a willing heart, you would be amazed how many people dont do that, including my Handmaiden in Hollywood who never responds at all, and I was really quite pleased with all your answers, even though you seemed to be shouting at me and using your outdoor voice, which was very upsetting, also my cousin Joseph will probably want to talk with you about your answer to number 4 because of all this work he does for some friends in Moscow, helping them with their negotiations and collections and he is really quite good at it, whenever they have a really sticky problem anywhere in Brooklyn or the Bronx or Northern New Jersey or somewhere else around the world, they call on cousin Joseph and his crowbar and bam, no more problem and the roobles or whatever start flowing to Moscow again just like that, so naturally Joseph tends to identify with his Russian friends and since he is a deeply spiritual person, he gets into really complicated theological type discussions with them, so he thinks you're wrong on number 4, in fact, dead wrong, as he likes to say about anyone who disagrees with him, but you can discuss this with him personally when you see him because, Praise Jesus and surprise, Cousin Joseph landed in Lagos Saturday on a flight from Frankfurt to discuss our transaction with you and find out why his cut is only $5 million, I would have alerted you sooner, but because of all this work Joseph does for his Russian friends, he has the opportunity to fly anywhere in the world for free and undetected and with brand new papers all in order, as long as he flies in a cargo box when certain friends of his friends are on duty at Luftstahsana cargo, which always happens on short notice, as it did a couple of days ago, so he flew from JFK to Frankfurt and then to Lagos, my aunt has not heard from him since he arrived, but often he has to wait quite a while for other friends of his friends to come get the box, but he is used to it, and doesn't even mind all that much, provided he has plenty of jerky and cheese on hand and he says it gives him more time to think about how to conduct the negotiations when his box is delivered to the people who his Russian friends want him to straighten out, so he needs to have your address so he can come discuss with you how we can move all this money to the United States and maybe even to talk about his theological issues, but if he doesn't bring it up I would advise you not to mention it or any other religious subject and definitely not the Fourth Lateran Council of 1215, which always makes him see red and then somebody always gets hurt, .
May the Good Lord bless you and hold you in the Hollow of His Hand for agreeing to a 50-50 split of the proceeds, may God keep me from further greed, although that is difficult as you probably know after your disappointment with that Austrian person, but if you have his address you might want to ship Joseph to him and see if he can bring the poor sinner back to the straight and narrow, and also where shall Joseph meet you.
DAVID WEST
SEND THE BALANCE
TO THE BANK .
HAVE YOU SENT THE TELEX FILLED FORM.
THANKS,
WEST
Mr. West I write of such tragic news I can barely bear to write at all and I know how saddened you will be to learn that my cousin Joseph, who was so hoping to meet with you, has died a horrible, tragic and ultimately fatal death in your country, may God rest his Spirit. As near as I can understand from my aunt, poor Joseph was riding in a police van on your Oworonishoki Ojota expressway when the car flipped over killing all of the passengers, including Joseph and the two arresting officers, of course the late Mr.Obijeto, the Central Bank of Nigeria official who cousin Joseph had been engaged in discussions with prior to the arrival of the police, was already dead and was simply being transported back to the morgue, but the carnage was still too awful to think about. They say the fireball was visible for miles, I guess all that time in the shipping container without toilet facilities had made cousin Joseph even more combustible than usual, you probably could see the flames from your offices and never even knew it was cousin Joseph, although judging from all the emails I get from Nigeria telling me about fatal highway accidents involving relatives I did not even know I had, it sounds like the Ojota is just one long string of flaming car wrecks from one end to the other, particularly during the afternoon commute, yet another reason to be unemployed, as I always say. Anyway, what God takes away with one hand he gives with the other (assuming God has two hands) I am delighted to report that Cousin Joseph has left me the sole heir to $45 million in a Swiss bank account, so I don't need to be doing business with you after all. In fact, my new Legal Counsel has already assured me that I will have a new trial and be out of my Club in no time, DNA evidence being notoriously unreliable he tells me, also I am getting married at last to my one true Love, who had spurned, rejected, and otherwise been hostile to my Overtures, including making her studio's big shot lawyers get that restraining order against me-- as if our love could ever be restrained -- has on learning of my tragedy and new found wealth agreed to wed me here in the Club chapel at the earliest opportunity, which may be this coming Monday when the Chaplain comes to visit a clubmember who has a rendezvous scheduled with Old Sparky that very evening, so look for a wedding invitation in the mail from soon to be Mr. and Mrs. Barbara Hershey.
