The Two-Body Problem




If you are married, engaged, or in an otherwise committed relationship, you may find yourself part of what academics call the "two-body problem". If you have the right attitude and strategy for this problem, it ends up being no problem at all. Here are some pointers I learned from my experience.

Before you apply, there are several ways to approach the problem.
  • Location Priority
    Some couples choose a specific location and focus on applying to all schools in that area. Some of these schools will be more desireable and more difficult to get into than others, but in big cities you are often confident of admission somewhere.
  • Person Priority
    Other couples decide to put one person's career ahead of the other's for any variety of reasons, so the couple moves to wherever that person's accepted.
  • The Safe Route
    Another option is for each person to apply to "safety" schools, basically relegating both of themselves to a mostly certain yet compromised option.
  • The Application Blitz
    My husband and I weren't satisfied with these choices. We both wanted the best for ourselves and for each other, but weren't so confident in our credentials that we'd get matches if we applied to just 5 or so schools. So I applied to 19, and he applied to 24. Neither of us applied somewhere the other person wasn't applying. (He had more schools because some cities had more options for him than for me.) We got 5 matches, and had we not withdrawn from schools early, we probably would have had 8 matches in all. We are going to Michigan, a top choice for both of us, so people consider us lucky. But once they hear about our hard work behind it, they realize it wasn't so much luck as prudence.


    • If you can afford it (this may cost $4000 between the two of you!), I highly recommend the "Application Blitz" method. Unexpected events happen in both directions and you are running a great risk by applying to too few schools. Think of it this way -- you could each get into 1/2 of your schools, and still have no matches.

    Once you have decided to use this strategy, you should spend a long time figuring out which schools to apply to. You don't want to accidentally leave something off or apply to places that are ultimately not good for either of you, thereby wasting money. Use my advice on other parts of the website to figure out where to apply. Double your efforts compared to what you'd do applying by yourself.

    Even though you are applying together, keep a list and personal ranking of schools not considering your SO's options there. This keeps you from being clouded in a way that could cause resentment later.

    Put a lot of effort into each application (even the schools you don't like quite as much). Your individual goal is to get into every single school that you apply to so that you have as many options as possible, not just one school that would be right for you.

    You aren't done working when the applications are in. As soon as one person hears from a school, the other person's department should be notified. This is essential for acceptances, and optional (although maybe risky) for notifications of interviews.

    If someone is wait-listed and the other person is accepted, be aggressive and act fast if you want to go to this school. Time is of the essence. In most cases, they will be willing to put the wait-listed candidate at the top of the list when you tell them about your situation.

    While you should maintain a positive attitude with these all schools, you should never promise them anything (unless you are sure you would indeed go there if you both get in.) A department is going to be angry at you if they went to bat for your SO on the assumption that you'd attend their school if he/she's admitted, and then you end up choosing somewhere else even after you're both admitted.

    Keep in mind that throughout this process, you will actually be getting some benefits out of the two-body problem. Here are some that may apply to you:

    1) You may realize your specific interests are too specialized, so you may broaden them to have more options. This in turn could cause you to choose to pursue something more easy to study and/or more marketable.
    2) You will put more time and effort into thoroughly researching schools and programs before applying to them.
    3) In order to consider your SO's choices, you may open your eyes to programs that you would not have considered otherwise, that may end up being even better for you than your original choices.
    4) You will put more time and effort into every single application, because your goal will be to get into as many places a possible, not just a couple that you really like. Your application will be better everywhere as a result, and the different could push you not only from "reject" to "accept", but also from "accept" to "accept with extra fellowship money given only to our top applicant".
    5) All of your extra work will allow you to make a more informed choice because you will know more about academia in general, and many programs in depth. You will learn so much more from this process than the average applicant will.
    6) You will network a lot. Assuming more applications leads to more interviews and acceptances, you will be visiting a lot of schools and meeting a lot of people. Your name will be out there, and people might be even more inclined to remember you given your unique situation. By talking to all of these people you will also get more research ideas that may relate to your current or future projects.
    7) Your SO will be an asset in the process for psychological and emotional support, as well as concrete advice. My husband and I have different strengths and weaknesses, so we helped each other through this process.
    8) Your SO might also help you get in to a school, if that school accepts him/her first and really wants him/her to come!
    9) When you turn schools down, you will have an excuse. Either your SO didn't get in, or your SO didn't want to go. It's not entirely your fault! (Be honest, but yes, this is a crutch in what is a very hard thing to do -- turning down an offer.)
    10) You get to be with your SO in the end!! This is an obvious one, but don't lose sight of it. Minor or sometimes even major grad school sacrifices are certainly worth it for your relationship.

    FAQ
    We both got into Mediocre U, but I got into Stanford (he didn't) and he got into Harvard (I didn't). How do we know whether to choose distance or the better career option?
    This is an extremely difficult decision to make that my husband and I were lucky enough not to have to make. However, in our hypotheticals before Brad was accepted to Michigan, we were ready to make this decision.
    As a rule of thumb, I say if you are married or engaged and you're talking 3+ year graduate programs, you should go to the place where you have both been admitted. The distance is probably not worth it. However, if you are just in a serious relationship and you're not committed to spending the rest of your lives together, you should consider the consequences of your choice if you were to break up. Will you resent the other person? Will your career be permanently damaged? You might be in love now but many serious, loving relationships don't last. Just be careful, and be true to yourself.

    I am applying to PhD programs and need to make a decision by April 15th. My wife, however, is applying to law schools, and they often tend to notify applicants much later, even into the summer! What should we do?
    This is the exact process we had to contend with, as my husband was applying to law school. This April 15th deadline issue was the single biggest worry of mine. Everyone knows that if you're applying to law school, the longer you can afford to wait on your decision, the better school you'll get into, because that's how the rolling process works. I thought that my deadline was going to seriously limit my husband's options.
    The first thing you should do is apply early to the law programs. This isn't a cure-all, but it improves your chances of admission and of hearing by April 15th.
    The second thing you should do is never give up. This is the same advice I'd give to anyone in the two-body problem, but especially in the case of this timing issue, you should be very aggressive in getting a decision out of the law school. Your wife should contact the law school and let them know of your situation, and you should get your department to contact the law school as well. Even if it seems like your inquiries are going nowhere, you should press on if you really want to go to this place. Try calling different people if the first person you talked to didn't seem to help. Use phone rather than e-mail. You might feel reluctant to pester your department, but what's the worst they can do if they have already offered you a position? What's the worst the law school can do other than reject your wife?
    Just as some encouragement I'll give you our results. Through aggressive inquiry, my husband got off of two top-10 law school waitlists (including Michigan) within about a week of being placed on the waitlists, and well before the deposit deadlines for the schools. For two of the other schools, we know for a fact that the psychology department played a role in a faster review if his application because they relayed to me their communication process with the law school. So, in at least 4 out of our 5 matches, this method worked (and at the fifth school I know the psychology department made an effort, though the results of that effort are unknown.)