See what happens when you don't spank your kids?
1. The Exorcist - Best horror movie ever. It's got everything I look for in a movie: swear words by the barrel-full, sacrilege, projectile vomiting, possessed little girls whose heads turn all the way around, and Max Von Sydow. The scene where Linda Blair stumbles downstairs, tells the astronaut he's going to die in outer space, and takes a whiz on the rug reminds me of a few parties in college... but I digress. See the original, not that stupid Version You've Never Seen. There's a reason you've never seen it.
See what happens when you don't spank your kids?
2. Halloween - All those turds disguised a sequels, not to mention the countless crappy knock-offs, tend to overshadow the fact that this movie is frickin' great. Well-made and scary. The first "slasher" movie, and the only good one. And it's fun to root for the killer to stab those damn annoying kids...
3. Evil Dead (and Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness) - Hail to the king, baby. The first Evil Dead was made by a bunch of students from Michigan State for about 20 bucks, most of which was spent on fake blood, I bet, and it roolz. The story: kids go to a house in the woods, read a mysterious Book of the Dead with a cover made of human skin (is that really such a good idea?), demons come out of the woods and possess them, Bruce Campbell has to fight them all with shotguns, chainsaws, and the awesome power of his enormous chin. This is the kind of movie that makes you say: "What? Jesus Christ, dood, don't go down in the BASEMENT of that place! No! Don't -- He's not -- OH NO! I can't believe he's -- I can't watch!!!" (viewer proceeds to watch the rest of the scene through splayed fingers). The sequels get increasingly goofy, but they're still good.
See, enormous chin.
4. Dead Alive - Directed by Peter Jackson, the guy who directed the Lord of the Rings movies. Watch this movie and you'll say, "What the fuh--? I can't believe that was directed by the same guy!" Here's the story: this loser guy's domaneering mother gets bitten by a Sumatran Rat Monkey and becomes an evil rampaging zombie, making zombies wherever she goes. The loser guy tries to cover all this up by hiding her and her friends in the basement and feeding them custard (gag, I will NEVER eat custard again) laced with tranquilzers. Soon all the zombies bust out and it's a frickin' free-for-all involving a lawnmower and about 6 billion gallons of fake blood. I bet they had to burn that set to the ground when they were done, cuz there's no way they got it cleaned up.
5. Texas Chainsaw Massacre - has there ever been a better title for a movie? All movies should have descriptive names like that. Except then you'd have like 20 movies called "Piece of Crap Starring Julia Roberts" or "Keannoonoo Reeves is a Goddam Idiot Who Can't Freakin' Act." Anyhoo, back to the chainsaws and such. It'd be tough to match this movie for sheer weirdness. Would you go in a house which features it's own abatoire, a room full of bones and live chickens, and a family of psychos? Well, apparently like 6 or 7 teenaged kids would. Dumbasses...
6. Night of the Living Dead - Sound Clip I love this movie, and I love that line. Zombies, zombies, everywhere! Even though it's like 40 years old, this movie still holds up. The hopelessness of the heros' plight just makes you squirm. Maybe you should click on that sound clip again.
7. An American Werewolf in London - This movie is great. GREAT I TELL'S YA! It had the greatest special effects ever at the time, and they pretty much beat the crap out of any of those fancy-pants CGI effects they use nowadays. Plus it's got British people getting eaten by a werewolf and it's really funny. The scene where some guy gets chased through the subway or the Tube or whatever those wacky Brits call it is great. Did I mention great?- This review submitted by Tony the Tiger
How about a nice laxative, wolfie?
8. Rosemary's Baby - A creepy, eerie movie starring Mia Farrow before she went nuts and adopted like 35 kids and became REALLY creepy and eerie. Directed by Roman Polanski, before he went nuts and had to flee the country. Are there witches after Rosemary's baby? Is she just nuts? Is Estelle Costanza modeled on her neighbor? What the hell is Charles Grodin doing in this movie? That stupid St. Bernard isn't in it, is it? No? Good...
9. Alien - A classic haunted house movie, except replace "haunted" with "infested by a killer alien" and "house" with "big-ass spaceship." Very scary, and it has this weird subtext about motherhood and birth and parenting.
10. The Blair Witch Project - Ever been on a really bad camping trip? Yes? Oh really? Was there a dead witch following you? No? Then shut up, you puss.