MAY/JUN 2002

 

The Ancient Jedi Knights were the first to Hyperdrive across the galaxy. Their bodies had high counts of microscopic germs called midicolonians that communicated with great Force over native living things, wiping out nearly entire planetary populations as the Jedi encroached.

Though some of the surviving natives had good blasters at their side, kid, these were no match for the hokey religions and ancient weapons of the Jedi, particularly the Light Saber, an elegant weapon Forcing a more civilized time.

The Jedi used this Force to surround and penetrate all living things, to bind the galaxy together into the Republic. Gradually they replaced the primordial galactic diversity with a monoculture of eerily similar Clones from the Europia system of planets, including ConquistaDroids, Nether Land dwellers, the Frog People, and especially the BrittaniClones, who proudly boasted that the suns never set on the United Galactic Kingdom....
 


 


      Not so long ago when you think about it,
      really, in the same galaxy.....

 

Episodes I,II,III,IV,V,VI
HOPEFUL NEW JEDI
IN RETURN STRIKE BACK
AT THE MENACING EMPIREíS
CLONE ATTACK

The Republic is full of greedy, squabbling, leaders who are only looking out for themselves and their home systems. There is no interest in the common good. The Global Corporate Free Trade Federation flies from one side of the galaxy to the other, sees a lot of strange stuff, and makes believe thereís one all-powerful force controlling everything, an Invisible Hand controlling our destiny. The Hand is said to insure that everyone benefits through a Convergence of Supply and Demand, even if everyone pursues only their own selfish ends, without trying to benefit others.

Not so fast, argues Hand Slow: "Itís all a lot of simple tricks and nonsense." This is partly because the Trade Federationís hokey religion ignores the trillions harmed by the Jediís galactic conquest. He smuggles in the proviso that no "Invisible Hand" could work if people exploit others by Force or by Stealth. For this heresy he is dismissed as a planetary nationalist or "planetist" by Republic leaders, and even rejected by Princess Liea as a "stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking, pinkosocialistcommunist nerf-herder." To survive he turns to an underground life of smuggling. Who's scruffy looking?

Meanwhile, a long dormant order of Europians emerge who also carry the Jedi midicolonian germs, and so come to be called Germians. When they find that there are few planets left to infect, Germian politician Adolf Hidious decides to create Life Room by taking over the Republic itself. He curries favor with the Corporate Trade Federation by creating a massive army of Clones to fight against planetists. Hidious is appeased by the Republic in hopes that he will attack only their common enemy, the planetists. Ultimately he is elected Supreme Chancellor by a public of Clones frightened out of their wits by the scruffy-looking spectre of Hand Slow and his, umm, longtime companion, the even more scruffy-looking Wookie Monster, Jewbacca.

The Clone Wars begin when the Ancient Jedi finally understand that Germia plans not only to fight the planetists, but also to take over established Republic turf. During the Second Clone War, Chancellor Hidious develops a fully armed and operational battle station, the Death Star, which bakes whole planets in one shot.

No cruisers can repel firepower of that magnitude, and the crushed Republic can no longer maintain its ancient control of the galaxy. The youngest of the remaining Jedi, Unci-Sam Kenobi, goes into hiding as a hermit, despite Lieaís repeated plea:

"Help me Unci-Sam Kenobi; youíre my only hope." So the Hidious Germian Empire grows in the Republicís wake. In a final insult, Hidious even Forces subjugated peoples to wear the Star of Death on their clothing.

But Unci-Sam trains young Nuke Spywalker in the ways of Force, and Nuke forms a temporary Alliance with accused planetist Hand Slow in rebellion against the new Empire. Together they destroy the Death Star. Hideous sends his most trusted Special Agent, North Vader, to kill the young Jedi,

but Vader and Nuke find they have a common bond (learning from elderly Jedi Master Yodaddy that Vader is really Anazikin Spywalker) and Vader betrays and kills Hideous in his bunker.....
 

 

 

SCENE ONE:
Forest moon of Endor

Scruffy-looking Ewoks rejoice at the defeat of the Germian Empire. Suddenly, there are great explosions in the air.

BABY EWOK: Lookit! Pretty fireworks!

MOMMY EWOK: Thatís no fireworks Ö itís bombs!

DADDY EWOK: I have a very bad feeling about this.

MOMMY: Yeah, I think youíre right. Those ones are shaped like mushroom clouds.

DADDY: And those orange ones are defoliating our forest cover.

BABY: Eeeeeeee!

CLUSTER BOMB HITTING BABY: Wok!

DADDY: Theyíre not going to get me without a fight!

MOMMY: You canít win. But there are alternatives to fighting.

 

SCENE TWO:
Galactic Press Core

Reports of similar atrocities from all around the galaxy reach the capital city of Corrupscant, where the clone double of Yodaddy, Yodubya, sits as the New Republicís President. Presidential spokesmodel Unci-Sam Kenobi is addressing the Galactic Press Core.

UNCI-SAM: This is the work of rogue elements.

GALACTIC NEWS NETWORK: This is the work of rogue elements.

NEW GALACTIC TIMES: Let me see Yodubyaís evidence.

UNCI-SAM: You donít need to see his evidence.

NEW GALACTIC TIMES: We donít need to see his evidence.

UNCI-SAM: These arenít the factoids youíre looking for.

LIMBO THE HUTT: These arenít the factoids weíre looking for.

UNCI-SAM: Yodubya can go about his business.

FORBIZ MAGAZINE: Yodubya can go about our business.

UNCI-SAM: Move along. (Aside, to Yodubya:) The Force can have a strong influence on the weak-minded.

 

SCENE THREE:
Slow Home

 

The Galactic Press Core echoes Unci-Sam so much that his words become accepted by the average workaday clone. But the old dissident Hand Slow has a special clone: the young and adventurous Indiana Cojones, or "Indy" for short. Indy catches the press conference while surfing the hologram:

INDY: (As if to the media) You weak-minded fools! (As if to the spokesperson) Your mind powers will not work on me, boy.

He vows to create his own media, Indy Media, and to travel to Corrupscant to learn for himself whatís happening.

 

SCENE FOUR:
Presidentís Office

Posing as an intern for President Yodubya, Indy crouches under the Presidentís desk. He snaps a photograph of the President and listens to his telephone conference call:

YODUBYA: In report all wings.

VOICES: Rogue Ten standing by ... Rogue Seven standing by ... Rogue Three standing by ...

YODUBYA: To attack speed accelerate. It this is, boys!

VOICE: Look at the size of that crowd!

YODUBYA: The chatter cut, Rogue Two. On target stay! On target stay!

INDY: (jumping up to confront Yodubya) So youíre the Rogue Leader!

YODUBYA: True that is, but explain I can, yes, mmm. If heard you did, as I do, the daily intelligence briefings from Nuke Spywalker, understand you would that vital for galactic defense are our actions. The Interplanetary Scruffy-looking Planetist Conspiracy, bent on world domination it is.

INDY: Iíve got a bad feeling about this.

YODUBYA: Sense something bad do I not. Only good feelings have I. This way look at it: way better than the Empire we are, right? Wish to continue your search with young Spywalker, now I sense you do?

INDY: Uh, yes.

YODUBYA: Patience, my friend. In time seek you out he will. Proceeding as I have foreseen, everything is.

 

SCENE FIVE:
Indy Media Headquarters

Indy is working hard to get his preliminary findings out, despite a severe lack of resources.

INDY: (to droid) Artoo ... that press deadlineís been postponed again. See if you canít lock it down!

DOOR: Knock, knock!

INDY: Whoís there?

VOICE: A Yoda lady

INDY: A Yoda lady who?

VOICE: I didnít know you could yodel.

Indy laughs and opens the door, and his office is immediately ívaded by troops, followed by Commander Spywalker.

SPYWALKER: We understand you asked a threatening question of the President.

INDY: I only want to find out how good people turn bad. He said you give him daily briefings about the Planetist Threat.

SPYWALKER: Thatís right. Recently weíve discovered another huge weapons gap. They have big giant scary sickles and hammers. And all we have are these little bitty atoms. Not even whole atoms, in fact. Our defense is so underfunded that we have to split the atoms. President Yodubya does only what we tell him is necessary to preserve the New Republic from these monsters.

INDY: I have a bad feeling about this. What makes you think theyíre monsters bent on world domination?

SPYWALKER: After the destruction of the Germian Empire, we had no real spy network among the planetists. But the Germians did, and since we both hated the planetists, we made a deal with their Master Agent Vader to keep track of the planetists for us. So in that way North Vader is my father Anazikin Spywalker, the founding father of the Galactic Intelligence Agency.

INDY: Okay, but what does this have to do with the "monsters"?

SPYWALKER: Master Vader reported that the planetists were organizing for an imminent invasion of Western Europia. He convinced us that Hand Slow was fomenting revolution among his fellow smugglers, so we infiltrated and soon took over the main smuggling networks. Using his methods of Better Spying Through Chemistry, we defoliated the forest moon of Endor and now have actual aerial photographs of scruffy-looking beings there, too! Weíre just doing our job, passing these warnings along to the President.

INDY: And passing them on to each new President, naÔve as he may be about Galactic Affairs.

SPYWALKER: Right.

INDY: But what if it isnít true? Wouldnít a Germian like Vader have wanted war between the planetists and the New Republic, so that Germia could rise again from the ashes of their mutual destruction?

SPYWALKER: Hmmm, I hadnít thought about that. He seemed to have genuinely changed from the Germian side. I helped him change helmets myself. Besides, donít you tune into the Galactic Press Core? How could so many voices be wrong?

íVADING TROOPS: Look siródroids!

SPYWALKER: Good work, captain. This label says "C3PO". C3P Ö CCCP Ö thatís what the scruffiest-looking monsters call their Base. Are you a godless pinko planetist? We donít deserve their kind here!

INDY: What?

SPYWALKER: Your droids. Theyíll have to wait outside. We donít want them here.

Troops arrest droids, then one comes for Indy.

SPYWALKER: He doesnít like you.

INDY: Iím sorry.

SPYWALKER: I donít like you either. You just watch yourself. We always get our man. We have the death penalty in twelve systems!

INDY: Iíll be careful then.

SPYWALKER: Youíll be dead!

Just then, Limbo the Hutt from the Galactic Press Core slithers by, and notices the government threats. He realizes this could happen to him, too, if the government falls into the wrong hands.

LIMBO THE HUTT: This little one isnít worth the effort.

Spywalker and the droids leave.

LIMBO: Come let me buy you outÖ.

 

SCENE SIX:
The Media Cantina

INDY: I know there is good in you. Yodubya hasnít driven it from you fully. That is why you couldnít let him destroy me.

Limbo looks down at Indyís pen, which seems mightier than a sword, and ponders Indyís words.

LIMBO: I see you have constructed a new pen. Your skills are complete. Indeed, you are powerful, as the Media Boss has foreseen.

INDY: Come with me! To Indy Media ...

LIMBO: You donít know the power of the Media Boss. I must obey my master. Or theyíll cancel my show.

INDY: I feel the conflict within you. Let go of your hate.

LIMBO: It is too late for me. The Boss will show you the true nature of the Media. He is your master now.

INDY: I will not turn Ö and youíll be forced to compete with me.

LIMBO: If that is your destiny.

 

SCENE SEVEN:
Mass-Media Board Room

BOSS MASS: Yousa cannot bees hair! Wesa no like da Indy Media. Un dey no like uss-ens. Da Indies tink day so smartyden uss-ens. Day tink day brains so big.

INDY: What would become of Indy Media reporters in your employ?

BOSS MASS: Day broken the nopissie-on-da-ads law. Day-en to be pune-ished.

INDY: I hope the punishment would not be too severe.

BOSS MASS: Pounded unto death.

INDY: I have a bad feeling about this.

BOSS MASS: Mesa no bombad. Mesa only do what dem owners want, to mak dee stocks go upup. Mak dee ad bosses happikin.

INDY: What owners? Arenít you the boss?

BOSS NASS: (shrugs his head violently, flinging spit all over Indy) Mesa no dee owner! Owners pune-ish mesa too if dey stocks go downdown.

INDY: But donít the owners also care about how you manage the business?

BOSS NASS: Ney! Dem only looksee dee little numbers on dee bottom line.

INDY: Iíve got another bad feeling about this.

BOSS NASS: Dey-ens not bombad. Dey too beezzy for da beezness. So dem hire mesa.

INDY: And who are these owners? Speed me on my way to them.

BOSS NASS: (laughing) Dee owners is dee people, all dem peeple wit pensions, all dem people wit leetle beeznesses, waysa too many people. Begone wit you.

 

SCENE EIGHT:
Indy Media Headquarters

Indyís search has taken him in circles. he lists his findings:

"Rogues" arenít necessarily evil in bombing baby Ewoks because theyíre just doing their job, obeying rogue leaders and reacting rationally to the "evidence" from the media.

Leaders arenít necessarily evil in issuing these orders, because theyíre just doing their job, reacting rationally to the "evidence" from the spies, all the while thinking of themselves as protecting the public from imminent invasion.

Even the spies arenít necessarily evil in passing along this misinformation, because theyíre just doing their job, reacting cautiously to worst-case scenarios.

The big media reporters arenít necessarily evil in passing along what leaders say, because theyíre just doing their job, under orders from media bosses and advertiser bosses not to rock the boat.

The bosses arenít necessarily evil to issue these orders, because theyíre just doing their job, obeying singleminded orders from the owners to make the stock prices of their businesses go up.

And owners arenít necessarily evil to issue these singleminded orders, because they are busy with their own lives, and shielded from knowledge of the actual operations of the businesses they own.

So maybe nobody has evil intent, but still there are all these dead baby Ewoks, as if by an Invisible Hand.

INDY: Thatís it!!!

He fishes for the photograph he snapped from under the Presidentís desk, and examines it more carefully.

INDY: Thereís a hand stuck right up Yodubya, where the suns donít shine! Yodubya is a handpuppet! But who is the Invisible Puppeteer? Weíve already ruled out the people, the bosses, the media, the spies, the rogues, and so on. What kind of Force could penetrate a person so deeply, controlling their destiny? I must go to the Presidentís next public appearance and find out.

 

SCENE NINE:
Kindergarden Classroom

 

YODUBYA: (to press) The education president I am. Tested the boys and girls will be. Teachers also, and textbooks--the best of all possible universes will they teach the Republic is. Questions have you?

INDY: I have a bad feeling about this.

YODUBYA: But a happy childhood will this give them. And fit in with the world they will. This for their kids every parent wants. Evil would it be innocent youngsters to burden with the problems of the world.

YODUBYA: (now to children) And so with two eís, not with just one, ends potatoee. Learning is our children? You will be. You...will...be.

INDY: (now posing as a kindergarden student): Hey mister, why do you have a hand in your pants?

YODUBYA: Hand in my pants? Up here my two hands are, see?

The kids near Yodubya lift his robes, revealing a hand, as the camera bulbs flash wildly.

KIDS: Lookit! Heís a puppet!

They try to lift him off the hand, but they canít separate the two. Indy helps out, and even he canít pull it off. Then the truth dawns on him.

INDY: The Invisible Hand is part of him! Heís not a puppet of someone else, but of his own self, which only makes sense if he is a puppet of his own former self--the little kid that was clone-schooled in places just like this.

Everyone in the assembled crowd starts looking under their own robes.

INDY: Right--that same educational Force binds and penetrates us all; the Force had a strong influence on us all when we were weak-minded, and we never outgrow it. But if we bring balance to the Force, if we are willing to risk saddening our kids a little with the truth about our culture, they will sadden fewer Ewok kids with bombs, and become guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy....

R

Screenplay by Ewok Lormand

Effects from Thumb Wars, thumb.com/thumbwars

Character Names © LucasFilm

Signed Elements © Individual Authors
Unsigned Elements © Agenda Publications, LLC