MAR 2002

A MODEST ADVERTISING PROPOSAL...Forget about those ridiculous Super Bowl anti-drug ads going for millions of dollars a minute - ALL at taxpayer expense. Instead, how about...A tattered, junk-sick Uncle Sam settles down at a small table in a flophouse room. He reaches into a paper sack and slowly, with a heavy sigh and noticeable effort, pulls out a quart of oil and sets it down on the scarred tabletop. Leering at the object of his desire Uncle Sam finds strength enough to quickly slip an oil spout into the top of the can in obvious anticipation. Next he rolls up an old copy of the oil depletion allowance agreement and wraps it around his arm. The camera comes in for a close-up as Uncle Sam focuses on his last vein, fiddling at first then slamming the spout deep. Panning back, Sam flexes his fist and soon his face relaxes as the petrochemical drug begins to course through his veins bringing temporary relief....[START OF MONTAGE] Cut to video shot of efficient ‘40s American rail transport; cut to scene of suburban family life; cut to freeway gridlock and polluted skylines; cut to ‘70s OPEC meeting and skyrocketing gas pump signs; cut to President Carter in a sweater then cut to photo-ops of Presidents Reagan, Bush1, Clinton and Bush2; cut to SUV commercial; cut to Saddam Hussein meeting with a smiling US Ambassador to Iraq April Glaspie; cut to Persian Gulf War footage; cut to Gulf War vets and family members in hospital beds; cut to Declaration of Independence; cut to royalty of Kuwait and Saudi Arabia; cut to poor in Arab ghettos; cut to Middle-East US military bases; cut to the World Trade Center towers as the planes crash [END OF MONTAGE]....Uncle Sam turns to the camera and says: "I thought I was just getting high energy. I didn’t know I was supporting terrorists." Bring up voice-over: "Paid for by the Partnership for an Oil-free America."

BUSH’S STATE OF THE UNION...During the speech, Democrats and Republicans alike fell all over themselves in applauding the president’s War on Terrorism efforts abroad, but one side of the aisle became rather silent as Bush presented his domestic agenda. G.W. asked for the largest military spending increase in 20 years, along with permanent tax cuts. Come to think of it, it WAS 20 years ago and back then they even had a name for it: Reaganomics!...We heard about national security, home land security and economic security - but what about Social Security? That trust fund will now be raided until 2010 and replaced with IOUs that may never be repaid. Who could expect this from the party that opposed Security Security from its very creation?...It’s the same old trick, overspend in the name of defense and then, "shoot, who knew there’d be nothing left?"...Notice how in his speech Bush never once mentioned Enron? That’s because down in Texas it’s now totally unacceptable to utter the "En"-word.

HEY-HEY G.A.O., WHAT DID CHENEY REALLY KNOW?...The Congressional Government Accounting Office (GAO) is suing Vice President Dick Cheney for records he refused to disclose as to who he met with in creating US energy policy. The Dickster feels the President and Vee-Pee should be able to meet in private with anyone they wish without having to disclose any information. That’s the problem with Cheney, he keeps forgetting he’s not running a private corporation....When it comes to expanding wiretaps and surveillance on citizens these conservatives always say, "only those with something to hide would object." Well, Dickie boy, what are YOU hiding? I know what you’re hiding BEHIND: "protecting" executive privilege. What the administration is really protecting is "privileged executives."...I haven’t heard such pseudo-selfless rhetoric since Richard Nixon was trying to save his own ass during Watergate.

SHADOW BOXING...Due to the threat of further terrorism (possibly nuclear), President Bush has announced the dispatching of a "shadow government," comprised of 100 senior civilian managers, which will work in secret outside Washington DC. The move for the first time activates long-standing plans to ensure the survival of US federal government should there be a catastrophic attack on the nation’s capital. This is not to be confused with the current "puppet government" which of course uses George W. Bush as its figurehead and is controlled by Dick Cheney and his corporate minions.

THE DEFINITIVE TENETIVE...In February CIA Director George Tenet warned that the Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City may be an attractive target for terrorists. He went on to predict that the fall of the Soviet Union appeared imminent and then a formerly classified CIA document predicted that Afghanistan might descend into civil war. This just in: things are beginning to look "suspicious" at Enron.

MONEY WELL SPENT...When the Enron executives finally receive their prison sentences, many financial victims are hoping for the Texas electric chair. And after Enron’s unbridled price gouging last year, this time most California residents will gladly chip in to pay for the juice.

IGNORANT INDIGNANCE...The state of Florida is going after psychic tarot reader Miss Cleo after complaints of fraudulent billing practices. Officials now are questioning whether she’s really a psychic and whether she’s actually from Jamaica. In fact, at this point they’re not too sure she’s even black....Man, how’d she not see that one coming?

WILL IT SAY LIBBY’S ON THE LABEL?...Although it’s a bit early to be discussing such things, Elizabeth Dole is expected to be the Republican candidate for the US Senate seat to be vacated by Jesse Helms. And if she wins, the number one tobacco state could use the experience of someone who ran the American Red Cross to perhaps, shift their crop choice? You know, sort of see the advantage of NOT growing a crop that ends up being a carcinogen when used correctly according to the manufacturer?

NOT ANOTHER GUEST CHAIR/STAR CHAMBER...The latest in reality television are two new shows bringing together what America’s been screaming for more of: torture and game shows. Now I’ve tried to watch THE WEAKEST LINK and SURVIVOR and already found the experience excruciatingly painful. But with THE CHAIR and THE CHAMBER, they take it up a notch to an abusement ride from hell. Now, considering that one-third of Americans favor using torture for information in the War on Terrorism, how long before all the contestants are terrorist suspects?

LOW-TECH SECURITY...On a Miami to Buenos Aires flight, a Uruguayan banker was subdued by a co-pilot with a small axe after the man attempted to break into the plane’s cockpit. Rest assured that if the defense had not worked the crew were fully prepared to deploy their back-up crossbow....Not surprisingly, an airline spokesperson refused to characterize the incident as a "hatchet job."...After the flight landed, doctors said the passenger could have been suffering from a panic attack. No, after 9-11, if someone’s trying to kick in the cockpit door, EVERYONE ELSE on the plane is having the panic attack.

IN-BRED INSIGHT...The new expansion team for the National Football League will be the Houston Texans. Yes, the Houston Texans. What a creative stroke in naming! Try and imagine a northern counterpoint, say a team called the New York New Yorkers....But at least the Houston Texans will actually play in Texas, as opposed to the New York New Yorkers, who would probably play in New Jersey. R

MAR 2002

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