HYSTERICAL REVISIONISM...US Senator Strom Thurmond celebrated his 99th birthday in December - that’s 14 in dog years. Despite criticism that he’s too old to be functional, Thurmond’s supporters claim he’s forgotten more than some of us will ever know - like that’s a good thing. A case in point, one of the senator’s quotes: "I have done more for black people than any other person in the nation, North or South."...Which sounds ridiculous. But he did free his slaves.

THE ADVENTURES OF HARRY POTHEAD...(Remember when ALL the potheads were hairy?)...It took a year, but Britain’s Royals are finally feeling the heat from underage Prince Harry getting caught drinking ale and smoking pot. His father, Prince Charles, gained PR brownie points by taking Harry to a heroin clinic to witness the ravages of drug addiction - as if one joint equaled surrender to the needle. But I notice Charles didn’t take him to an alcoholic treatment center (that’s because daddy drinks)....And were those "magic" brownie points?

ON A WING AND A PRAYER...The airlines’ prayers were indeed answered when Congress responded to their financial pleas like a pavlovian cargo cult with an ATM card. Our leaders gave the industry a $15 billion bail-out from US taxpayers because these same Americans, after 9/11, decided not to fly for SOME "neurotic" reason....Once upon a time the airlines wanted government out of their way. Uncle Sam supposedly stood in the flight path of even greater profits. They cried out: "If only we could run things ourselves" and the mantra "Let the market decide."...So what happened? They got their deregulation wish and proceeded to run the industry into the ground: closed service routes; cancelled flights; fliers sometimes stranded for days; rampant bankruptcy and take-overs until the few remaining airlines claimed to be operating to the bone. And that was BEFORE September 11th!...Like any sore loser, capitalists love the thrill of risk-taking in the market - until they get seriously burned. Then they come running back to Uncle Sam asking for a "do-over."...If the airlines paid their security personnel more than fast food workers, they just might have prevented terrorists from super-sizing four airliners. How perverse that by [potentially] being criminally negligent in airport security, the airlines end up reaping financial rewards. They actually became richer BECAUSE they were irresponsibly greedy! (And when corporations get this sort of a windfall, how do they celebrate? The old fashioned way: by firing 100,000 employees.)...The airlines clearly cared more about their shareholders than their ticket holders. But that strategy backfired when, it turned out, no one really wanted to be a dead ticket holder....So the market had spoken; the airlines just didn’t like what it said.

CRASS COMMERCIALISM/PATRIOTIC ROT...When you think of war profiteering, you seldom think about toilet paper sporting the image of Osama bin Laden. Yet there’s money to be made in marketing the misery of September 11th because when it comes to a sense of patriotism, too many Americans have little sense. Sure, most of the terrorist trinkets are recycled Ayatollah products, but think long-term. This wasn’t the first conflict to exploit anti-Arab jingoism, and unfortunately it won’t be the last. Meanwhile, someone’s laughing all the way to the bank - and make no mistake about it, they’re laughing at YOU....But then the major corporations got involved with their "patriotic" commercials demanding we spend money on their goods "for the good of the company, er, country."...What’s more offensive, Osama bin Laden condoms or big corporations exploiting the deaths of thousands of American lives for profit? When it comes to capitalism, you can always count on SOMEONE being exploited, so don’t be too harsh on them. They’re only trying to capitalize on the situation. It’s what they do. They don’t know any better....As for terrorist toilet paper? I guess we’re expected to do our patriotic doody.

ENRON’S END-RUN/CORPORATE CRIMINAL #1...America’s seventh largest corporation went belly-up, taking down shareholders, retirees and employees in one strike as the Board of Directors made off with just over 1 BILLION DOLLARS. Enron and its consulting/auditing firm Arthur Andersen even shredded documents to conceal illegal acts and in the end did more to sabotage the US economy than Osama bin Laden. These were economic terrorists and theirs was the ideology of unbridled greed. But hey, what’s more American than that?...As more facts were revealed Enron sounded like they were in the agriculture business, treating everyone like mushrooms: kept in the dark and fed bullshit (hey, if you can’t roll out that old joke for this scandal when can you?)....The media says such events could threaten America’s trust in large corporations - as if that’s a bad thing.... Because of his relationship with the former energy giant, Attorney General John Ashcroft recused himself from involvement in the federal investigation into what is the largest case of financial fraud in the history of the United States - that and investigating Enron would cut into his ability to take away more of our constitutional freedoms. It’s the same old problem: "So many amendments, so little time."...Enron’s contributed so much money to Democrats and Republicans, to governors and presidents, to state legislatures and to Congress, that it seems there’s no unbiased group left to investigate them. But I say, "it takes a crook to catch a crook." So what if Congress and the White House are over-qualified?...After being convicted the Enron executives should go to prison for their criminal behavior, even if they give the money back. And once there, America should be in no hurry to turn these ex-execs into ex-cons.

GORED BY FORD...Ford Motor has announced plans to layoff 35,000 workers and the closing of 5 plants in its latest restructuring - which is looking a lot like deconstructing to me....Remember their post-9/11 ad campaign, "Let’s keep America rolling"? Who knew it would be to the unemployment line?...Looks like that’ll end up being "J.K. Rowling" - meaning Harry Potter merchandise. And wouldn’t you know, she’s from England and most of the products are made in China.

DOWN FOR THE DISCOUNT...As stock figures continued to decline, and after firing their Chairman, K-Mart Corporation finally declared Chapter 11, becoming the largest retailer ever to do so. So the next time you see an in-store blue-light special, their stock on sale could be literal.

TEEN ANGEL IN HELL...The 15-year-old who flew a Cessna into a Tampa skyscraper was seeking attention, according to his best friend. Which only worked for 15 minutes of fatal fame, because these days crashing a plane into a building is SO "9-11."

STATUE OF LIMITATIONS...Controversy has ensued over the proposed statue to honor New York firefighters for their heroic efforts during the attack on the World Trade Centers. Not because of its cost or location, but because it was modeled after a widely-seen photograph of three white firemen raising the American flag (not unlike the Iwo Jima memorial). The only problem is the proposed change to white, black and latino to symbolize the diversity and solidarity of New York City in the disaster’s aftermath. Should the city be politically correct or factually accurate? Should a memorial be of a literal event or exemplify the spirit and values of an overall experience?...But doesn’t anyone recall that the Iwo Jima photo, which the memorial was based upon, was actually a re-enactment? The photographer wasn’t there when it originally happened so they recreated it. Were the final participants the exact same men? Does it matter?...In the end it’s just a monument - perhaps more to ideals than to reality.

UNINTELLIGENTSIA...We’ve all laughed at the odd and sad tale of John Walker, the Marin County California young man who converted to Islam and joined the Taliban and al-Qaeda. But at least he was able to do what our multi-million dollar intelligence organizations couldn’t: penetrate the al-Qaeda terrorist apparatus....Let’s see, they didn’t need their own missiles (they hijacked our planes) and we didn’t need the CIA (they didn’t prevent a thing)....So isn’t it time to bring back the oxymoronic "military intelligence" reference joke? I hope we don’t have a better example booming on the horizon....But they had such a great record going too after not having a clue about the collapse of the Soviet Union - remember The Evil Empire? - their entire reason for existence. (Can anyone say "conflict of interest"?)....Perhaps the spy agencies are just jealous....In other democratic nations like Western Europe and Japan, these intelligence officials would have willingly resigned in shame at their massive failure. Here in America, being above means never having to say you’re sorry.

SIMILAR BUT DIFFERENT...In some parts of America, they still have barn raisings. In some parts of Israel, they still have home razings