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Go to www.mitchhedberg.net and buy his CD/DVD! I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is "sponge-ruiner." Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.. This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty. An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience." I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. "God *amn it Otto, you are an alcoholic." "God *amn it Otto, you have Lupus"... one of those two doesn't sound right. One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I am older. You son of a bi***, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera... I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. Foosball f**ked up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys. I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly... I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said Please Try Again because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I though I might have opened the yogurt wrong...or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me, "c'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top." I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military. I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here. On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the f**k did you get that banana at... I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential. I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut...I don't need a receipt for the doughnut: I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, "Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here"... I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As though there's any other way to take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too...I tried to taste it, but it did not work... |
EMAIL: lillianc@umich.edu
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