From: rec.humor.funny ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the quotient of (sin x)/(n)? six! The n's cancel. 16 What's -- ? 64 1 Well, the 6's cancel leaving --- 4 Strange how that works! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The limit as n goes to infinity of sin(x)/n is 6. Proof: cancel the n in the numerator and denominator. Micah Fogel, UC-Berkeley ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What does a mathematician do when he's constipated? A. He works it out with a pencil. Joseph Costa, NOSC ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three standard Peter Lax jokes (heard in his lectures) : 1. What's the contour integral around Western Europe? Answer: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe! Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they are removable! 2. An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God? Answer: Yes, up to isomorphism! 3. What is a compact city? It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted policemen! Abdolreza Tahvildarzadeh, NYU Q: What's purple and commutes? A: An abelian grape. Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice? A: Zorn's Lemon. James Currie ------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's nonorientable and lives in the sea? Möbius Dick. Jeff Dalton, U. of Edinburgh, UK ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"? A: Because he left a residue at every pole. Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation function, the more expensive it becomes to compute? A: That's the Law of Spline Demand. Steve Friedl, V-Systems, Inc. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about." Philippe Schnoebelen ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Moebius always does it on the same side. Heisenberg might have slept here. Aaron Avery, University of Wisconsin ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here's a limerick I picked up off the net a few years back - looks better on paper. 3 \/3 / | 2 3 x 3.14 3_ | z dz x cos( ----------) = ln (\/e ) | 9 / 1 Which, of course, translates to: Integral z-squared dz from 1 to the cube root of 3 times the cosine of three pi over 9 equals log of the cube root of 'e'. And it's correct, too. Doug Walker, SAS Institute -------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is "pi"? Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the circumference of a circle and its diameter. Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927 plus or minus 0.000000005 Engineer: Pi is about 3. David Harr, Occidental College ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Lemma: All horses are the same color. Proof (by induction): Case n=1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all horses in that set are the same color. Case n=k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all horses are the same color. Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs. Proof (by intimidation): Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs. However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist. QED Jerry Weldon, Livermore Labs ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I saw the following scrawled on a math office blackboard in college: 1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1 Rob Gardner, HP Ft. Collins, CO --------------------------------------------------------------------------- lim ---- 8-->9 \/ 8 = 3 Donald Chinn, UC-Berkeley --------------------------------------------------------------------------- lim 3 = 8 w->oo (It is more obvious when handwritten...) Jorge Stolfi, DEC Systems Research Center, Palo Alto, CA ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Asked how his pet parrot died, the mathematican answered "Polynomial. Polygon." --- Lumberjacks make good musicians because of their natural logarithms. --- Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square. --- A physics joke: "Energy equals milk chocolate square" Naoto Kimura, Cal State-Northridge ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Russell to Whitehead: "My Goedel is killing me!" Dennis Healy, Dartmouth ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Statisticians probably do it. Algebraists do it in groups. Al Sethuraman, Calma Company, San Diego ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- C programmers do it with long pointers. (Logicians do it) or [not (logicians do it)]. Scott Horne ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Theorem: a cat has nine tails. Proof: No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails. Arndt Jonasson ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Theorem : All positive integers are equal. Proof : Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B. Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B. Proceed by induction. If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. So A = B. Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B. Keith Goldfarb -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions. John C. George, U.Illinois Urbana-Champaign ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Philosopher: "Resolution of the continuum hypothesis will have profound implications to all of science." Physicist: "Not quite. Physics is well on its way without those mythical `foundations'. Just give us serviceable mathematics." Computer Scientist: "Who cares? Everything in this Universe seems to be finite anyway. Besides, I'm too busy debugging my Pascal programs." Mathematician: "Forget all that! Just make your formulae as aesthetically pleasing as possible!" Keitaro Yukawa, U. of Victoria, B.C, CANADA --------------------------------------------------------------------------- / | d(cabin) Q: What is | -------- ? | cabin / A: natural log cabin Dan Beckler Daniel McGurl Walter Daugherity John Smith (who adds: log cabin + C = houseboat) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What's d(hi/ho)? A: (ho d(hi) - hi d(ho)) over (ho ho) !! Mark Frydenberg ------------------------------------------------------------------------ As seen on the Simpsons: Take the integral of 3d(r^2) (where d is a constant) The answer is d(r^3) or rdrr ...get it (ha)rd(ha)r(ha)r David P. Lawrence Mark Moir ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Mathematicians do it in groups, rings, and fields. Dan Beckler ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a palm tree? A: Elephant * palm tree * sine theta. Peter Hamlen Alex Elliott ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with an elephant? A: You can't! A mountain climber's a scalar (scaler). (Another variation that this reminded me of: Q: What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito? A: You can't cross a vector with a scalar!) Peter Hamlen Alex Elliott ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What did the vector say to the scalar? A: I'm getting tensor and tensor. Q: What did the scalar respond? A: Don't pull rank on me. Peter Hamlen ------------------------------------------------------------------------ There's an old MIT football cheer: E to the x, dy, dx, E to the x, dx. Secant, tangent, cosine, sine, 3.14159. Square root, cube root, log base e, Cheers for math at MIT. Walter Daugherity ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Theorem: 1 = 2 Proof: Use: df(x)/dx = dg(x)/dx for f(x) = g(x) x^2 = x + x ... x <- x times -> so: d(x^2)/dx == 2x == d(x + x ... x)/dx == (1 + 1 ... 1) == x <- x times -> <- x times -> Therefore 2x = x. Assigning x = 1 yields 2 = 1. Q. E. D. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Why do programmers and mathematicians have trouble distinguishing Halloween from Christmas? Because OCT 31 = DEC 25. Dennis Williamson <73260.350@compuserve.com>