We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in

our cubicles and suddenly felt something a-brew down below. As much as we

who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the ...

Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure

pleasure.

Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the

urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a

sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you

receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an

escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are

standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear

it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved.

Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns

pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this

should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left

the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of

the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed

location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up

the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF

SHAME.

Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you

have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment

if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the

smell does not exist.

Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You

will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a

newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for

the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency

pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the

whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you

can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the

opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering

the bathroom.

Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and

tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and

vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs,

remain in the stall until the TURD BURG leaves. This way you will avoid

all uncomfortable eye contact.

Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom

that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to

alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction

with an ASTAIRE.

Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD

BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that

the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom

immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet

water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON

coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in

the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a

CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could

spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the

pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you

should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This

benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in,

check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and

come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may

become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell

tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks.

Avoid a CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans

each particular bathroom. Don't forget, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE

HAVEN.