Little Johnny strikes again !
The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a
sentence.
Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw
all the animals It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia
Zoo and saw the animals. I was Fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but again, I wanted the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because
Johnny is noted for his bad language. She finally decided there
was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons.....
....but her tits are so big she can only "fasten 8."
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain
about splinters whenever they had sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to
visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper
wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily
through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied,
"Who needs a girlfriend?"
The Doggie Pledge...
I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee
table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of unstained carpet in
the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not eat other animals' poop.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard
after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, 'specially not the red ones, or my people
will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when
it's raining outside.
I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is
sitting on the toilet.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on AOL.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear out of the laundry pile and dance all
over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man
was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a
Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff."
T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and
promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed
that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog
and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff.
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen
cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone
agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and
said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,
got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces
without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What
can your dog do?" The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee
Break, do
your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk,
shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his
back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working
conditions, put in for Workers Comp and went home for the rest of the
day on sick leave.
How To Shower Like A Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and
leave them in a pile on the floor.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way,
flash her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your
gut to see if you have pecs. (no)
4. Turn on the water, not too hot.
5. Check for pecs again. (no)
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)
8. Wash your face
9. Wash your armpits
10. Wash your private and surrounding area
11. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
12. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
15. Pee (in the shower)
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
17. Partial dry off.
18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles.
19. Turn sideways, and flex muscles again.
20. Leave shower curtain open, wet bathmat on floor.
21. Leave bathroom light and fan on.
22. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your wife,
flash her making the "woo" sound.
23. Leave wet towel on bedroom floor.
24. Fart