Jokes as of 5-25-2000
> A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
> "Da-ad"...
> "What?"
> "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
> "No. You had your chance. Lights out."
> Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."
> "WHAT?"
> "I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
> "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
> Five minutes later..."Daaaa-aaaad"...
> "WHAT??!!"
> "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of
water?"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally
> asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
> The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and
in
> and
> out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,
> Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her
> small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked
> with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?
> "The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug."I can't,
dear," she
> said.
> "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
> A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big
> sissy."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time.
> The
> church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle,
> carrying
> lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a
> loud voice, "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday
> School.
> "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines
on a
> rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red
> Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge,and all the people walked
> across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call
> in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the
> Israelites were saved."
> "Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his
mother
> asked.
> "Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never
> believe it!"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> It was that time during the Sunday morning service for "the children's
> sermon," and all the children were invited to come forward. One little
> girl
> was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor
> leaned over and said to her, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your
> Easter dress?"
> The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
> "Yes, and my Mom says it's hell to iron."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms.
> Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday
> School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if I made
ugly
> faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
> Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you
weren't
> warned."
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits
> down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has
a
> black eye too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both
have
> black eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours?"
> >
> > Other guy: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister
accident.
> See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest
> > breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying "I'd like a
> ticket to Pittsburgh," I said "I'd like a picket to
Tittsburgh."And she socked
> me one."
> >
> > First guy: "Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast
> table and I wanted to say to my wife, "Please pour me a bowl of
Wheaties." But
> I accidentally said, "You ruined my entire life you stupid
bitch."
A fire fighter is working on the Engine outside the station when he
> > > >notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon
with little
> > > >ladders hung off the side. The boy is wearing a fire
fighter's helmet
> > > >and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.
> > > >
> > > >The fire fighter says, "Hey little partner, what
are you doing?"
> > > >
> > > >The little boy says, "I'm pretending to be a
fireman and this is my
> > > >fire truck."
> > > >
> > > >The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That's sure is a
> > > >nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with
admiration. "Thanks," the
> > > >boy says.
> > > >
> > > >The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the
boy has tied
> > > >the wagon to the dog's collar, and to the cat's
testicles. "Little
> > > >partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't
want to tell you how to run
> > > >your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope
around the cat's
> > > >collar, I think you could go faster."
> > > >
> > > >The boy says, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a
> > > >siren."
Perfect day for a woman:
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30 Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday.
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs.
1:00 Shopping with friends.
3:00 Nap.
4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer.
4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage.
5:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
10:00 Hot shower. Alone.
10:30 Make love.
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.
Perfect Day for a Man:
6:00 Alarm.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section.
7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
7:30 Limo arrives.
7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport.
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par.
11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.
12:15 Blowjob.
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
2:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin-1249 lbs.
5:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked supermodel.
7:00 Watch CNN Newsflash. Clinton resigns.
7:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 Oz. New York strip.
9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.
10:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.
11:45 Go to bed.
11:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
11:55 Laugh yourself to sleep.
FINDING THE LORD
A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday
afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down
into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister
turns, notices the old drunk and says,
"Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says,
"Yes sir, I am."
The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls
him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer,
brings him up and says,
"Now brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not!" said the drunk again.
Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30
seconds this time, brings him up and demands,
"For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Watch out men...
Lorraina Bobbitt's sister was arrested last night for attempting to
cause the same damage to her husband, except she missed and hit his
leg.
She has been charged with a "misdeweiner".
http://web.utk.edu/~wconner/funnyshots.html
A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be
admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to
see if the guy is worthy.
St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his
brow and says to the guy, 'You know, I can't see that you
ever did anything really bad in
your life, but you never did anything really good either. If
you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED-- you're in.'
The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Yeah, there was this
one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant
group of thugs assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my
car to see what was going on and sure enough,
there they were, about 50 of 'em harassing this terrified
young woman.
Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of
my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy
with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his
nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the thugs
formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain
off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire
iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of
them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a
bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you
all a lesson in pain!''
St. Peter, impressed, says, 'Really? When did this happen?'
'Oh, about two minutes ago.'
Here are some quotes from people in the US during the 1950's.just a scant 50
years ago!!
(1). "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are,its'
going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."
(2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when
$5000 will only buy a used one."
(3). "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit.
A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
(4). "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just
to mail a letter?"
(5). "The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything.
Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm."
(6). "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire
outside help at the store."
(7). "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would
someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in
the garage."
(8). "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it
impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their
hair as long as the girls."
(9). "Also, their music drives me wild. This `Rock Around The Clock` thing
is nothing but racket."
(10). "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they
let Clark Gable get by with saying `damn` in `Gone With The Wind,` it seems
every movie has a `hell` or`damn in it."
(11). "Also, it won't be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in
the movies. What is this world coming to?"
(12)."Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently
there
are no standards anymore."
(13). "Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar."
(14). "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to
put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century.
They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in
Texas."
(15). "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for
$75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday
they'll be making more than the president."
(16). "Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the
country?"
(17). "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be
electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
(18). "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few
married women are having to work to make ends meet."
(19). "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire
someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
(20). "Marriage doesn't mean a thing anymore, Those Hollywood stars seem to
be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
(21). " I'll tell you one thing. If my kid ever talks back to me, they
won't be able to sit down for a week."
(22). "Did you know the new church in town is allowing women to wear slacks
to their service?"
(23). "Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us not to
grow crops."
(24). "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a
whole lot of foreign business."
(25). "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes
half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best
people to congress."
(26). "Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college?
Isn't she going to get married? It would be different if she could be a
doctor or a lawyer."
(27). "I just hate to see the young people smoking. As I tell my kids,
"Don't take a cigarette from ANYONE. You never know what might be in
it."
(28). The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I
seriously doubt they will ever catch on."
(29). "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend.
It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
(30). "Anymore no one can afford to be sick; $35 a day in the hospital is
too rich for my blood."
(31). "If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country
that's fine, but nothing will ever replace trains."
(32). "I don't know about you but if they raise the price of coffee to 15
cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home."
(33). "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.
I'll have my wife learn to cut hair." ((I did))
(34). "We won't be going out much anymore. Our baby sitter informed us she
wants 50 cents an hour. Kids think money grows on trees."
(35). "Cars which dim their lights by sensors, automatic transmissions, and
who knows what else? Pretty soon they will drive themselves."
No it wasn't so long ago!!!
ONE DAY A CUCUMBER, PICKLE AND A PENIS WERE HAVING A CONVERSATION:
THE PICKLE SAYS: "YOU KNOW, MY LIFE REALLY SUCKS, WHENEVER I GET
BIG, FAT AND JUICY THEY SPRINKLE SEASONINGS OVER ME AND THEY STICK ME IN
A JAR."
THE CUCUMBER SAYS: "YEAH, YOU THINK THAT'S BAD?
WHENEVER I GET BIG, FAT AND JUICY, THEY SLICE ME UP AND THEY PUT ME
OVER SALAD."
THE PENIS SAYS: " YOU THINK THAT YOUR LIVES ARE TOUGH?
WHENEVER I GET BIG ,FAT AND JUICY, THEY THROW A PLASTIC BAG OVER
MY HEAD, SHOVE ME IN A WET, DARK, SMELLY ROOM, AND FORCE ME TO DO
PUSH-UPS UNTIL I THROW UP AND LOSE CONSCIOUSNESS.
Three international convicts were on the way to prison. They were each
> > allowed to take one item with them to help occupy their time
while
> > incarcerated.
> > On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did
you bring?"
> > The French convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he
> > intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the
"Claude
> > Monet of prison."
> > Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
> > The Israeli convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I
brought
> > cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of
games."
> > The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to
himself. The
> > other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What
did you
> > bring?"
> > The Polish convict pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He
said. "I
> > brought these."
> > The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with
those?"
> > He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well,
according to this, I
> > can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating
The Ten Things that Men know about women ...
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> 10. They have breasts.
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
>
>A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one
>else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know
>the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE
>DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they
>wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've
>been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did,
>by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair
>that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID
>light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE
>THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE
>NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE
>HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP
>THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN
>THIS... I'm sorry...what did you ask me?
A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday. The
> > parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse
vocabulary. Every
> > other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were,
to say
> > the least, rude.
> > David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was
> > constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he
could
> > think of to try and set a good example.
> > Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back.
> > He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more
rude.
> > Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the
> freezer.
> > For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and
> > scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a
> > minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird
and
> > quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto
> > David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have
offended you with
> > my rude language and actions.
> > I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am
truly
sorry and
> > beg your forgiveness."
> > David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was
> > about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the
parrot
> > continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
A little boy and a little girl were sitting on the porch talking, when
the little girl asked, "Do you want to get undressed and we can play
doctor?"
The little boy replied, "That's too old fashioned... spit out your gum.
I want to play President."