Three blondes died and found themselves standing before
Saint Peter at the gate to heaven. St. Peter said to
them, "Before you may enter the gates of heaven you
have to tell me what Easter is."

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where we
all have a big feast and we're thankful."

St. Peter said, "NO!" and banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where we
celebrate Jesus' birth and give each other presents."

St. Peter said, "NO!" and banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, "I know what Easter is."

St. Peter said, "Ok then, tell me."

She starts, "Easter is Christian holiday that coincides
with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having
Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed
by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung
him on the cross where he died. Then they buried him in
a tomb behind a large boulder."

St. Peter said, "Very good..."

She adds, "Every year the Jews role away the boulder
and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow we have six
more weeks of winter."

There was a farmer that was waiting by the door with
his three daughters for their dates to pick them up.

The first guy got there and said "Hi. My name's Joe,
I'm here to pick up Flo, and take her to the show." So
the farmer excused them and let them go.

The second guy showed up a few minutes later. The
farmer answered the door and the guy said "Hi. My
name's Freddie, I'm here to pick up Betty and take her
out for spaghetti." The farmer excused them and let
them go.

The third, and final, guy showed up and the farmer
answered the door. He said "Hi. My name's Chuck." And
the farmer took out his shotgun and shot him!!!

The 10 Best ThIngs To Say The Next Time You
Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk !!!!


10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen,"

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time
management course you sent me to,"

8. "Whew"! "Guess I left the top off the Whiteout.
You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm,"

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance,"

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution
to our biggest problem."

3. " The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...


1. ".....in Jesus' name. Amen.

Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, the Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a
severe Yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly.

He was 71.  Some fervent devotees expected him to rise again, but they were
disappointed.

Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin.  The funeral was held at
3:50 for about 20 minutes.  Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play
Dough.  They have two children and one in the oven.

The Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with
many turnovers.  He was not considered a very smart cookie wasting much of
his dough on half=baked schemes.  Despite being a little flaky at times he
still, as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions.

Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California
Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, The Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch and
many others.  The graveside was piled high with Flours of longtime friends.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, described Doughboy as a man who "never knew
how much he was Kneaded."

Gentlemen;

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking off a few beers.  They
start talking and soon realize both are doctors.  After an hour or so, the
man says to the woman, "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight.  No
strings attached.  It will just be one night of fun."

The woman doctor agrees and they both to her apartment.  She goes in the
bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she is about to go into the operating
room She scrubs for a good ten minutes.  Finally she goes in the bedroom and
they have sex for an hour or so.  Afterwards, the man said to the woman,
"You're a surgeon, aren't you?"  "Yeah, how did you know?"  The man says, "I
could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started."
"Oh, that makes sense," says the woman."  "You are an anesthesiologist aren't
you?"  "Yeah," says the man, a bit surprised.  "How did you know?"  The woman
answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.  They happen to walk
by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, dad?"  The man
matter-of-factly replies, Those are condoms, son.  Men use them to have safe
sex."  Oh I see, replied the boy pensively, "Yes, I've heard of that in
health class at school."

The boy looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are
there 3 in this package?"  The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys,
one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday."  "Cool" says the boy.

Next he notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"  "Those are for
college men," the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for
Sunday."  "Wow!" exclaimed the boy.

"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.  With a sigh, the dad
replies, "Those are for married men.  One for January, one for February, one
for..."

A little article from a German newspaper: "In retrospect, I admit it
was unwise to try to gain access to my house via the catflap," Gunter
Burpus admitted to reporters in Bremen, Germany. "I suppose that's the
reason they're called cat flaps, rather than human flaps, is because
they're too small for people, and perhaps I should have realized that."
Burpus (41), a gardener from Bremen, was relating how he had become trapped
in his own front door for two days, after losing his house keys.
"I got my head and shoulders through the flap but became trapped fast around
the waist. At first, it all seemed rather amusing, I sang songs and told
myself jokes. But then I wanted to go to the lavatory. "I began shouting for
help, but my head was in the hallway so my screams were muffled.
After a few hours, a group of students approached me but, instead of
helping, they removed my trousers and pants, painted my buttocks bright
blue, and stuck a daffodil between my cheeks.
Then they placed a sign next to me which said 'Germany resurgent, an essay
in street art. Please give generously.' and left me there.
"People were passing by and, when I asked for help, they just said 'Very
good! Very clever!' and threw coins into my trousers. No one tried to free
me. In fact, I only got free after two days because a dog started licking my
private parts and an old woman complained to the police.
The rescue services came and cut me out, but the police arrested me as soon
as I was free. Luckily, they've now dropped the charges, and I collected
over DM3,000 in my underpants, so the time wasn't entirely wasted."

>A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.  A few minutes
>later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.  A
>few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
>The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is
>screaming about.
>What's all the screaming about in there?  You're scaring my customers!"
>"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
>something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
>With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot!
>You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

> You might be a Redneck Jedi if...
>
> You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
>
> Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
>
> You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
>
> At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
>
> You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
>
> You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
>
> The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
>
> Wookies are offended by your B.O.
>
> You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't
have  to wait for a commercial.
>
> You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
>
> Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark
> side...it'll be a hoot."
>
> You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy
to  get the barbecue grill to light.
>
> You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
>
> You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in
through  the window.
>
> Although you'da had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had
a  pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
>
> You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
>
> You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
>
> If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father...and your uncle."
>
> You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder.
>
> You ever lost a hand during a light saber fight because you had to spit.
>
> You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your landspeeder.
>
> You think Han Solo would look better in a flannel cause he looks like a
> little sissy in that vest.
>
> You ever fell in love with your sister.
>
> You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader's evil empire as "them
> damn Yankees.

> Jackasses
>
> For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need
to
> take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know,
> take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!
>
> Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I
had
> to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying,
> "Hello?"
> I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to
Robin
> Carter?"
> Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone
> could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.
> She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with
> Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided
to
> call it again.
> When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and
> hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it
in
> my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a
> really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a
> jackass!" It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the phone company
> introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have
to
> stop calling the jackass.
> Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice,
> "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone
> company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID
> program?"
> He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down.
> I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!" The
> reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if
there's
> ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just
dial
> 823-4863.
> [Keep reading, it gets better.!]
> The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking
> space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began
to
> move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a
> little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought,
she's
> finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the
> parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.
> I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I
was
> here first!"
> The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward
> the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a
> jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a
> "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number.
Then
> I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I'm at home
> sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863
> and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I
> have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with
> the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy,
too.
> After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said,
> "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you
> tell me where I can see it?"
> "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's
> parked right out front."
> I said, "What's your name?"
> "My name is Don Hansen."
> "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
> "I'm home in the evenings."
> "Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
> "Yes,"
> "Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up, I
> added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to
> be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to
> call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up
on
> them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem
some
> serious thought and came up with a solution:
> First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely
saying,"Hello."
> I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.
> The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
> I said, "Yeah."
> He said, "Stop calling me."
> I said, "No."
> He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
> I said, "Don Hansen."
> He said "Where do you live?"
> "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked
out  front."
> "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
> "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
> Then I called Jackass #2.
> He answered, "Hello."
> I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
> He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
> "You'll what?"
> "I'll kick your butt."
> "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung
> up.
> Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at
1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he
got  home.
> Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th
> Street.
> After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch
the whole thing.
> Glorious!
> Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6
> squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of
my  life!
> ---Name withheld to protect the guilty.

This was on the Jay Leno show on 9-7-99. Jay went into the audience to find
the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner
described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question
as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was mid-winter.... snowing and quite cold.... and the guy had
taken her skiing. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers,
after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but
relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to
realize that she should not have had that extra latte apr-ski. They were
about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of
nowhere. Her companion suggested she should try to hold it, which she did
for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point
where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road,
or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly
crawled out beside the car, yanked her ski pants down and started.

Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let
her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion
stood on the other side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a
real gentleman and refrained from peaking. All she could think about was
the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she
bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were
firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump
handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh
from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new
problem due to the extreme cold horrified by her plight and yet aware of
the humor she answered her date's concerns about " what was taking so long"
with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and needed some
assistance!"

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they
had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by
telling about their lives.

Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment.
"I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit
us."

"Great. Where do you live?"

"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the
apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it
open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button
with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth
floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door.
Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you
in."

"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the
front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right,
then my left elbow?"

"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed!"