Subject: Jokes

Subject: Is that your final answer?

A husband asked his wife, "honey are we going to have sex tonight?"
Wife answered, "no, I'm not feeling well.
The husband asked, "Is that your final answer?"
The wife answered, "yes, that is my final answer."
The husband said, "In that case, I'd like to phone a friend."

>>>ALLIGATOR SHOES
 >>
 >>>Sam and Bessie are in their 80's and Sam always wanted an expensive
 >pair of alligator shoes. Seeing them on sale one day, he purchases them and
 >comes home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about
 >me?"
 >>
 >>>Bessie responds, "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore
yesterday and the same pants,"
 >>
 >>>Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out
 >completely naked, just wearing the new shoes. Again he asks, "So, Bessie, do
 >you notice anything different?"
 >>
 >>>Bessie again responds, "What's different, Sam? It's hanging down
 >today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down tomorrow,"
 >>
 >>>Angrily Sam yells, "do you know why it's hanging down? Cause it's
looking at my new shoes!"
 >>
 >>>Bessie replies, " You should have bought a hat."
 

Poor Old Couple...


The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter
evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples
eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You
could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has
been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order
with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near
the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one
hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in
half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out
the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in
front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then
set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get
restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old
couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man
began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over to the old
couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to
eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing
everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She
just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping
the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them
something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to
sharing everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a
napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their
table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he
finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you
eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you arewaiting
for?"
She answered, "The teeth".

>>The '60s vs. the '90s
 >>
 >>
 >>Then: Long Hair
 >>Now: Longing for hair
 >>
 >>Then: The perfect high.
 >>Now: The perfect high yield mutual fund.
 >>
 >>Then: Keg.
 >>Now: EKG.
 >>
 >>Then: Acid Rock.
 >>Now: Acid Reflux.
 >>
 >>Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
 >>Now: Moving to California because it's warm.
 >>
 >>Then: You're growing pot.
 >>Now: Your growing pot.
 >>
 >>Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
 >>Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.
 >>
 >>Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
 >>Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
 >>
 >>Then: Seeds and stems.
 >>Now: Roughage.
 >>
 >>Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
 >>Now: Popping joints.
 >>
 >>Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
 >>Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.
 >>
 >>Then: Paar.
 >>Now: AARP.
 >>
 >>Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
 >>Now: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
 >>
 >>Then: Killer weed.
 >>Now: Weed killer.
 >>
 >>Then: Hoping for a BMW.
 >>Now: Hoping for a BM.
 >>
 >>Then: The Grateful Dead.
 >>Now: Dr. Kevorkian.
 >>
 >>Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
 >>Now: Getting a new hip joint.
 >>
 >>Then: Rolling Stones.
 >>Now: Kidney stones.
 >>
 >>Then: Being called into the principal's office.
 >>Now: Calling the principal's office.
 >>
 >>Then: Screw the system!
 >>Now: Upgrade the system.
 >>
 >>Then: Peace sign.
 >>Now: Mercedes logo.
 >>
 >>Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
 >>Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
 >>
 >>Then: Take acid.
 >>Now: Take antacid.
 >>
 >>Then: Passing the driver's test.
 >>Now: Passing the vision test.

>* Why Men Stand And Pee
 >*
 >> Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra
 >> things left in his bag of creations. So, he decided to split them between
 >> Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give
 >> away
 >> was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing,"
 >> God
 >> told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if
 >> either one of you wanted the ability". Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh,
 >> give that to me! I'd love to! Please, oh please, oh please, let me have
 >> that
 >> ability. It'd be so great! When I'm out working in the garden or naming
 >> the
 >> animals, I could just stand there and let it fly! It'd be so cool, I could
 >> write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that
 >> gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!!"
 >> On and on he went, like an excited little boy who..., well,...had to pee.
 >> Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly,
 >> that
 >> he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him
 >> happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this
 >> ability.
 >> And so, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his
 >> micturation while in a vertical position. He was so happy, he celebrated
 >> by
 >> wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all
 >> the
 >> while. And it was good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of
 >> leftover gifts, "What's left in here?"
 >> "Oh yes," he said, "Multiple orgasms..."

Dirty Johnny is sitting in his 4th grade class.  Mrs Grammarbutt decides to
play a game where she gives a letter of the alphabet and the kids have to
come up with a word that begins with that letter.

She starts with the letter "A".  Dirty Johnny  immediately raises his
hand.  Mrs Grammarbutt knows of his foul mouth and is afraid to call on him
because he might say something like 'asshole'.  Instead she calls on
Melissa.  Melissa says, "A is for apple".

They proceed to "B".  Again, Johnny is anxiously waving his hand.  Again
she is afraid to call on him fearing he will say 'bastard' or 'bitch'.

They continue on through the alphabet with Mrs Grammarbutt choosing other
children besides Johnny.  Finally they get to the letter "R", and Johnny is
obviously quite dejected that he hasn't  been called on yet.  Mrs
Grammarbutt thinks to her self, 'I can't think of any foul word that begins
with "R."  So she calls on Johnny,  Johnny stands up and says, "R is for
rats.   BIG FUCKING RATS WITH DICKS THIS LONG!"

Top 10 Reasons To Go To Work Naked - actually 11 but...

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in
here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to
work on your tan.

3. Inventive way to finally meet that hunk in the Assignments area..

4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

5. To stop those creepy guys in Assignments from looking
down your blouse.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

7. So that-with a little help from Muzak-you can add
"Exotic Dancer" to your  exaggerated resume.

8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen
where you keep them.

9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to
work drunk.

10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

11. No one steals your chair.

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big boobs. In high
school, I dated a girl with big boobs, but there was no passion. So I
decided I needed a passionate girl. In college, I dated a passionate
girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried
all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found
a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about
anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an
exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one
thing to another, never settling on anything. She was without direction.
So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. After college, I found
an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me
and took everything I owned. Now all I want is a girl with big boobs!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a
 >good
 >> >>meal
 >> >>and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
 >> >>Some
 >> >>hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
 >> >>
 >> >>"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
 >> >>
 >> >>Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
 >> >>
 >> >>"What does that tell you?"
 >> >>
 >> >>Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that
 >there
 >> >>are
 >> >>millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
 >> >>Astrologically, I
 >> >>observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the
 >time is
 >> >>approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that
 >God
 >> >>is all
 >> >>powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically,
 >I
 >> >>suspect
 >> >>that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell
 >you?"
 >> >>
 >> >>Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you dickhead.
 >> >>Some
 >> >>bastard has stolen our tent."
 

Bob called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner.
 > >>
 > >> "Hello?" said a little girl's voice.
 > >>
 > >> "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," said Bob. "Is mommy near the phone?"
 > >>
 > >> "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."
 > >>
 > >>
 > >> After a brief pause, Bob said, "But you don't have an Uncle Frank, honey!
 > >>
 > >> "Yes I do. He's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
 > >>
 > >>
 > >> "Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run
 > >upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle
Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house."
 > >>
 > >>
 > >> "Okay, Daddy!"
 > >>
 > >>
 > >> A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone, crying.
 > >> "Well, I did what you said, Daddy", she sobbed.
 > >>
 > >> "And what happened?"
 > >>
 > >>
 > >> "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around
 > >screaming,
 > >> then she tripped over the rug and crashed through the upstairs front
 > >window and now she's dead."
 > >>
 > >>
 > >> "Oh my God! And what about Uncle Frank?"
 > >>
 > >>
 > >> "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he
 > >
 > >> jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have
 > >forgot that you took out all the water last week to clean it, so he hit the
 > >bottom of the swimming pool, and now he's dead too."
 > >>
 > >> There was a long pause, then Bob said, "Swimming pool?,

 Is this  555-7039?"

> >The Difference
> >
> >A boy and girl had been a relationship for 4 months and
> >things were going well. One evening they met after work at a bar,
> >had a few drinks, went for a meal then went home and made love.
> >
> >HER diary reads :

He was in an odd mood this evening. I arrived 5 minutes late at the bar,
though he didn't say that was the reason. The  conversation was quite
slow going, and he bought the first 2 rounds.

 I thought things weren't going too well so suggested we go somewhere
more intimate  for a talk. We went to a nice restaurant, but he was still
a bit funny.  I tried  to cheer him up, but it didn't seem to make any
difference. I asked him if the problem was me, but he said no.

In the taxi back to the house,  he was quite moody, and when I offered
to pay for the taxi he was quite  rude. I put my arms round him and said
I loved him, but he just put his  arm round me and said nothing. I did not know what
to make of it, and  got in a bit of a state and by the time we got to the
house I thought  he was going to dump me.

When we got in to the house, he just sat and switched on the television.
I tried to talk to him but he  wasn't interested so I went to bed and sobbed
for 10 minutes.

He eventually came to bed  and we made love. I was very worried this
may be the last time. Cried  myself to sleep. What will the morning bring ?
> >
> >
> >HIS diary reads :

> >Bad day at work At least I got a shag